WARNING: there's a bit of talk of surgery-related stuff in here
Lots going on. A big update, but I have other things to do, so I'll try to whip this up right quick:
HAIR REPLACEMENT SURGERY UPDATE:
The hair surgery has, so far, been an amazing and transformative experience. I'm sitting here with a shaved head, looking like an alien, with 3,000 tiny scabs on the front of my head and 3,000 tiny holes on the back, all of which are busy healing, which means I'm itchy! I've had to mist my new grafts with saline every hour while awake and whenever I happen to wake up at night. I've been taking several different meds but that's winding down. I'm not allowed to wear pullover shirts, hats, or anything other than button-down shirts, but I put a bra on today for the first time since before surgery, because I wanted to pamper myself.
I have a special regimen for careful washing of the donor and graft areas, which I've been following carefully. Next Monday, I'll be removing the scabs and I hope to look a little less freaky. A couple days later, I'll be able to wear a hat, which will make going out in public a lot less daunting. My transplanted hairs will begin to grow, then many or most will fall out, then begin a new growth cycle. This means that the transplanted hair will likely be several weeks behind the rest of my scalp, as my hair style begins to transition from marine boot camp to civilian to person with (gasp!) a full head of hair. I'm ready for this.
The person who did the surgery did an excellent job. She created the hairline exactly as we'd designed it and the grafts are grouped very tightly. I have high hopes that this will result in a full, natural-looking head of hair.
This is mind-blowing. I cannot overstate how significant this is. I simply couldn't get past my middle-aged male hairline, but it has been replaced by a beautiful inverted "U". It will be many months before I have something here that could be styled or trimmed in a meaningful way, but after waiting 30 years, the time will fly, I'm sure. But I truly look forward to seeing the changes as they occur.
Simultaneously, my facial hair continues to go away. I had visit #3 with my local electrologist last night. We're both working on the remaining dark hairs - me with my at-home IPL hair remover and her with the professional equipment. Once we've gotten the dark hairs mostly eliminated, we'll start in on the sea of grays that were left behind by the IPL. I don't mind those much, as shaving them away is enough to keep the facial hair dysphoria at bay.
THE BIG NEWS:
A major reason for the current work on my facial hair is an upcoming trip to the Virgin Islands. My girlfriend and I are going to do a tropical island vacay, replete with swimming, snorkeling, laying in the sand - the usual stuff. It's not something we've done much of as a couple and it was never very appealing to me, because I always hated exposing my body around anyone. Things are different now.
But the differences present challenges. My body shape is incongruous with my face, voice and hair. What to do? Well, I'll be cleared to wear hats by then, so I'll be doing that (I have to avoid sunburn, anyway). But there aren't many solutions for hiding my breasts. I bought a gender-neutral swim tank from Tomboy-X but I'll need to wear a compression bra with it in order to smash my breasts down to a less-noticeable level. Going topless or simply wearing a t-shirt are not options, as I'll definitely cause a scene.
But what's the point of all of this newfound body positivity if I have to continue to hide myself? I decided that I'm also going to bring beach clothing that suits my body (literally). I've bought a wonderful bikini top and plan on buying a couple of pleated swim skirts. I took my friend's advice and bought a few top styles in a couple of sizes. I had to try 5 different ones before finding the one that works for me. And it looks amazing! It's truly blowing my mind. I wish I could show you all, but I think posting a pic of my torso in a bikini top is bad decorum for this space. But the size, shape and fullness of my breasts in this very gendered piece of female clothings is very affirming.
I bought a big, floppy hat for protection and to cover my shaved head, and I'll be getting a couple of caps designed for swimming.
My partner knows about all of this: the electrolysis, the swimwear, and my plans to hit the beach as myself. I'm sure it's not what she wants, but she's coping pretty well so far. I don't know what it will be like when I actually do it. In my dreams, she'll look over at me and say "I can see the real you. You look beautiful and happy", and we'll just be two girls on the beach together, but that's not likely. Her tacit acceptance is the best I could hope for. Fortunately, she's not a mean person, so I don't expect her to be unkind, but I'm super sensitive, and eye rolls can hurt pretty badly. Still, I must do this. This is me now. I have no choice; I can't continue to fight my desire to present myself this way. It's a bit of a trial by fire, but so be it.
LABS UPDATE:
My latest blood test revealed a milestone: my T is officially nuked. This result is consistent with my expectations, medically-speaking, but I'm still a bit surprised for two reasons:
1. I don't feel bad
2. I'm completely "functional"
I'd been warned several times by my doc that some people don't feel very good with very low T, so I came to expect that as a possible outcome. But I feel like me. Not really good or bad, just "normal." That's a good thing.
I've also heard a ton of stories of people losing all bottom function while on HRT, especially when their testosterone has been properly suppressed. In many cases, this is a desired outcome, but not always. Bottom surgery isn't on my agenda and I feel that losing the ability to respond in that way would be traumatizing to me. So...another good thing.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading.
