Thanks, Gina - you've been very kind.
So...about the Keystone Conference:
I'd heard about it online, as it promised to be a pretty big event. The conference has been happening for many years (this was the 13th year). Billed as "A Celebration of Gender Diversity", it's 5 days of workshops and seminars, and lots of fellowship between trans people of all stripes. When I learned about it, I knew I had to go. I mentioned it to my pal, Gina, and she signed on without hesitation. I was excited to be in a totally safe space and I hoped to learn some stuff along the way. We planned on meeting Caela there, which was something we were looking forward to.
I decided to attend on Friday only, although in retrospect, staying overnight would have been better. The day went by quickly...
I drove to Gina's place, wearing jeans (women's Carhartt) and a black tank top with a button-down "boyfriend" shirt in white with light blue stripes. I wanted to wear something that was decidedly female, but reflect my casual style. Not quite androgynous, and less girly than some might have chosen. I felt comfortable. I also packed makeup, sandals, nail polish, some bandanas and some other items, as I planned to get a little more dolled up during the 2 hour drive to the conference. I wore bright red toenail polish beneath my socks and Vans sneakers.
As I've mentioned many times, my hair/hairline presents a challenge. I'm in the really awkward growth phase between my transplant surgery and having a (hopefully) full head of hair. I brought several bandanas but really wanted a pink one, which wasn't among the ones I'd borrowed from my girlfriend (hers had gotten torn up from use). But of course, Gina bought one for me - she's a good friend. As we barreled down the interstate, I started to apply a really pretty lavender nail gloss that I'd bought a few days earlier. I did a pretty good lob, but Gina ended up pulling over so I could finish without struggling and making a mess of myself.
I put some foundation and rouge on, along with some light pink lipstick, then put my sandals on in the parking garage. I knew we were going to be walking a lot but I wanted my painted toenails to show. I was wearing a bra that I really liked.
As soon as we got inside, there were transfemme people everywhere. I'd expected a ton of pretty young trans girls but I was surprised to see that the majority were around our age. I suspect many were like me and weren't out full time. Many had expressive clothing on and lots of makeup. I thought I'd feel "less than" and out of place, but I didn't. A transfemme person couldn't have asked for a more accepting environment. I was a little disappointed at the lack of masc and non-binary people there, but that's not uncommon in these spaces, unfortunately.
We started sitting in on some of the seminars right away. They were interesting. Perhaps more interesting was the fact that I was sitting there in a tank top, with makeup on and my boobs showing. This was only the second time I'd been out as Courtney despite over 2 years of HRT. I can't overstate the significance of letting my body show after carefully hiding it for so long.
The most profound thing I heard during the seminars was from a 70-something trans woman, who said she identified as bi-gender for nine and a half years, and that she only dressed on the weekends during that time. She said that the best time to take your next step is when you feel uncomfortable with that place you're at. This was not what I was used to hearing. All of my trans friends had been urging me to step outside of my comfort zone, to push myself. But comfort is what I need. Her words were like a salve. I felt relief. I was doing it right.
I had a makeup appointment scheduled right around the time the luncheon started, so I went up to the cosmetologist's room and she got started. As she worked on me, I warned her not to expect a really positive reaction from me. I told her I wanted to see "her" but I really have a hard time doing so. She said she thought I was looking great. She also pointed out that a wig would pull the whole look together. She handed me the mirror after finishing and I had a peep. She did a great job but I couldn't help but see a male face beneath that makeup. I told her it looked "really nice" (or something) and headed down to catch up with Caela, Gina and some new friends, one of which I met on Discord.
I told them that I wished I had a wig that I liked (I owned 5 but none were really working for me) and the next time I saw them, they dragged me to a small vendor area and to a salon/wig place, which happens to be based about an hour from my home. I sat down in front of the stylist (Josh) and he pulled out a blonde wig, suggesting that the color would suit me, while my companions looked on. Their exclamations suggested that it looked pretty good, but I wasn't prepared for what I saw in the mirror.
I started to cry. Hard.
I looked pretty. I looked feminine. I felt like a woman. It was amazing. He tried another one on, but the first one was the one I needed. I bought the wig and walked out of there feeling like I really belonged.
I cannot adequately describe the way I felt for the rest of my time at Keystone. I felt attractive, comfortable in my own skin. I sat in the bar, drink in hand and watched people come and go. I could have people-watched all day, as a feeling of calm had come over me. I went to the bathroom and took a selfie in the mirror. As I walked around, I felt special, pretty. The experience blew my mind.
I wish I could tell you that I decided to come out to everyone after Keystone, that I'm Courtney, full-time, but I'm not. But part of the reason I went to Keystone was to find proof-of-concept that somehow I could be a girl. I feel like I did it - I proved that it's possible. As my hair continues to grow and my body continues to change, I'll be looking forward to the next time I feel safe enough to go out as "her." For now, I'm comfortable where I'm at, and I learned that that's OK.
