Sara's Wild Ride (Part II)

[Courtney G]

Well, you're gorgeous, smart, kind and successful.

The world is about to discover your greatness. Go Sara!

[Jenn104]

^^^^^ yeah. What Courtney said. I mouth dropped when I saw your new avatar.

You are stunning.

[CaelaNotKayla]

I felt out of place at first.  I went to the bar, grabbed a glass of wine, and just looked around at the crowd.  I'd guess there were 60-80 people there.  Not being one to just awkwardly sit there, I instead awkwardly approached someone at the edge of a larger friend group and started chatting.  Quickly, I was introduced to the bigger group and joined in the laughs.

That sounds like a fun evening!!  I hope you made a ton of new friends (and maybe even got a few numbers!!!)

It made me feel good.  I guess I've still "got it"!

Have you met you??  Of course you still have it sis!! You never lost it!! 

As difficult as this week has been for me, I think I'm going to bounce back quickly.  I thoroughly enjoyed my NYE party on Sunday, and I had a blast last night as well.  Give me a few more weeks to grieve, and I'll be back.  Go me!

~Sara

You go girl!!  Looking as stunning as you are in your new avatar I know in a few weeks Texas won't know what hit it!!

Hugs!!

Caela

[EllenW]

It made me feel good.  I guess I've still "got it"!
~Sara

Yeah, you still got it. Never forget that.

Ellen

[TXSara]

So, I'm having my ups and downs...

I'm struggling a little this afternoon.  I'm not exactly sure what triggered it, but I needed to come home to cry it out for a while.  I'm not even sure if I'm done yet.  These things come in fits and spurts.

I have never been one to try to avoid grief.  It's a cycle you have to go through in order to heal.  I think if you try to avoid having these feelings, they'll stick around to affect you in the future.  It's just time to be sad right now, you know?

All that being said, though, I'm also not just going to take trips down memory lane over and over so that I'm a blubbering mess.  I guess there's a happy medium.  Hopefully by letting myself have a few 20-30 minute "ugly cries" over the next month, I'll be better for it.

~Sara

[TXSara]

Oh, by the way...

I ended up getting invited into a couple new Facebook groups after my Thursday night at "Chick Happy Hour".  One of them is a women's tennis / pickleball club that meets up every Friday after work to play pickleball.  They play from 5-8, then all go out to eat afterward.

Believe it or not, I have never played pickleball.  I'm sure I'll be horrible, but it'll be fun meeting some new people anyway.  It is a mostly lesbian group.  I'm not looking to start anything up with anyone right now, but meeting new friends and expanding the circle is ALWAYS good.

We'll see if I can figure out how to make it next week.  I have always done "pizza and a movie" night with the girls on Fridays, but it hasn't been the same since my wife and I got divorced.  The whole thing feels a bit strained because we're both trying to have quality time with the girls and we're not always getting along.  I told my oldest this last week that we might need to just have a day where I take them (without the ex) to the movies instead.  Now that I have a scheduling conflict on Fridays, I may make that change sooner rather than later.

~Sara

[Courtney G]

All that being said, though, I'm also not just going to take trips down memory lane over and over so that I'm a blubbering mess.  I guess there's a happy medium.  Hopefully by letting myself have a few 20-30 minute "ugly cries" over the next month, I'll be better for it.

The HRT-aided ugly cries are no joke. I've had a lot lately.

[TXSara]

Well, I haven't received a LOT of responses from the inquiries I made with new therapists, but I DO have one appointment made for Friday morning.  I hope that she'll challenge me and push me to actually make progress.

In preparation for Friday, I have started writing things down that I feel are relevant.  It's going to take a while —- I need to put down both the facts associated with different events from the past as well as how they made me feel.

I think I'll be channeling Chunk from the Goonies when the Fratellis tell him to "spill his guts"...

"OK, I'll talk!  In third grade, I cheated on my history exam.  In fourth grade, I stole my Uncle Max's toupee and glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew School play..."

Yep, I hear you, Chunk.  Lots of stuff to unpack in 50 years.

~Sara

[imallie]

Well, I haven't received a LOT of responses from the inquiries I made with new therapists, but I DO have one appointment made for Friday morning.  I hope that she'll challenge me and push me to actually make progress.

In preparation for Friday, I have started writing things down that I feel are relevant.  It's going to take a while —- I need to put down both the facts associated with different events from the past as well as how they made me feel.

I think I'll be channeling Chunk from the Goonies when the Fratellis tell him to "spill his guts"...

"OK, I'll talk!  In third grade, I cheated on my history exam.  In fourth grade, I stole my Uncle Max's toupee and glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew School play..."

Yep, I hear you, Chunk.  Lots of stuff to unpack in 50 years.

~Sara

Good luck Sara!

The big advantages you have this time are a) having been through the process now, you have so much more of a sense right away what you're looking for in a therapist and b) you're also a lot more likely to advocate for yourself and not stick with a therapist who isn't serving your needs.

[D'Amalie]

Keeping up with therapy seems to help all of us, especially until we find our own equilibrium.

I'd counsel to ensure you like the therapist!  Its quite the challenge to find one in the first place as I well know.  Some are just in it for the money.  My fist civilian one?  Seemed to be in it for the money.  My VA therapist turned out to be quite helpful, useful and professional.

Good luck with your continuing journey.

[CaelaNotKayla]

Oh, by the way...

I ended up getting invited into a couple new Facebook groups after my Thursday night at "Chick Happy Hour".  One of them is a women's tennis / pickleball club that meets up every Friday after work to play pickleball.  They play from 5-8, then all go out to eat afterward.

Believe it or not, I have never played pickleball.  I'm sure I'll be horrible, but it'll be fun meeting some new people anyway.  It is a mostly lesbian group.  I'm not looking to start anything up with anyone right now, but meeting new friends and expanding the circle is ALWAYS good.

Pickleball is the national sport up here in the Republic of Cascadia.  I've had my pickleball paddle longer than I've know most of my friends, but don't ask me how to play!!  Social hour afterwards is always the best part for me!  Good luck with the new group of friends!

Hugs!!

Caela

[TXSara]

So, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in an attempt to understand (a) why I have developed an anxious attachment style, and (b) why it was never much of an issue prior to this year.

I have started reading a book called "Anxiously Attached", and the main theory that I keep hearing is that this attachment style derives from how we were handled at an early age.  I'm not sure this rings true for me.  I had an extremely loving and supportive family.  Even though my parents were divorced, there was never a question of whether my parents (or grandparents, for that matter) would be there for me.

I really think that this is more of a situation where my personality type is just more prone to this type of behavior, and my transition has been the trigger that brought it all to the surface.

I still see myself as "damaged" because I am transgender.  I need to find a way to get over this or I'll never fully feel "safe" in a relationship.

~Sara

[Jessica_Rose]

So, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in an attempt to understand (a) why I have developed an anxious attachment style, and (b) why it was never much of an issue prior to this year.

...I still see myself as "damaged" because I am transgender.  I need to find a way to get over this or I'll never fully feel "safe" in a relationship.

~Sara

There are many possible factors, but it may simply be due to transition. I think we all just want to be loved for who we are. A relationship also gives us a sense of validation. For those who had a long-term relationship which was lost due to transition, the anxiety may even be magnified. Although my relationship survived, it certainly isn't the same as what it used to be. It takes time, but it's often difficult to have patience when you are accustomed to being in a relationship. One of the best lines I ever saw on Susan's Place:

'I want patience, and I want it now!'

I hope the book provides the information you're looking for.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Oldandcreaky]

So, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in an attempt to understand (a) why I have developed an anxious attachment style, and (b) why it was never much of an issue prior to this year.

Sara, I think it's because of the beating we take by politicians and tens of millions of our fellow citizens. Sometimes we're literally beaten. And for decades, we've been punchlines in sitcoms. It chips away at our self-confidence.

[TXSara]

Speaking of chipping away at my self-confidence...

I attended a luncheon called "Blue Tuesday" today that was set up by a local liberal women's group.  There was a speaker there that talked about the different things that are currently going on in the state w.r.t. child protective service along with some other issues.  There were about 25 of us there, and it was my first time being there with the group.

The lunch was really nice until people started raising their hands and commenting.  One particular lady started her comment out by saying, "Well, we're all well-educated women here... well, all except for the one man who has joined us.." pointing in my direction.  I don't even know what she said after that.  It was all a blur.  Did I hear her correctly?  No joke, I turned around to see if there was a man who had come into the room and sat behind me.  Nope.

Folks, this one cut deep.  I think this is the first time I have EVER been outed by a stranger to a larger group of people.  I would have NEVER expected it from a member of the LWCC (Liberal Women of Collin County) group.  I sat there, just trying to hold it in for the rest of the luncheon.  Luckily we were done eating at that point, and I only needed to make it about 10 minutes.  When I got to my car, I broke down.

What was the point of doing that?  It didn't add anything to her comment at all.  It was just a mean-spirited thing for her to say, essentially letting me know that I wasn't a "real" woman and I didn't belong there.

I won't be going back.

~Sara

[Courtney G]

Sara, I'm tearing up while reading your last post. I can't even...

I'm so sorry. How do decent people navigate this world when there's so much ignorance and/or hate all around us? And why the heck didn't someone else chime in and tear her a new one? I'm a very non-confrontational person, but I'm so worked up over this - I'm pretty sure I would have gotten in her face over this.

This evolution is slow process. It can't come quick enough.

(I kept typing here, ranting, because I'm so worked up, but I'll just leave it all out for now)

[Oldandcreaky]

What was the point of doing that?  It didn't add anything to her comment at all.  It was just a mean-spirited thing for her to say, essentially letting me know that I wasn't a "real" woman and I didn't belong there.

I won't be going back.

So much for her being "well-educated." What heaped shame upon her shameful ugliness is that no one challenged her.

For decades, I have reached for this Arthur Miller quote: "Every man needs his Jew."

Well, that woman needed her Jew too and she chose you.

I have never felt less safe than I do now because we have become America's Jew, at least for tens of millions of Americans.

I'm sad for you, Sara. And sad for all of us.

[Oldandcreaky]

And why the heck didn't someone else chime in and tear her a new one?

Courtney, you and I had the same thought.

It brings another often quoted observation: "All evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing."

[Courtney G]

Courtney, you and I had the same thought.

It brings another often quoted observation: "All evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing."

I'm just...livid over this. What did ANYONE have to gain by this meanness?

[Jessica_Rose]

Sara, I'm so sorry you had to endure such a horrid comment from that person. I agree about never going back to that group. Think about it more like this, she was intimidated by your beauty and upset that you are so much nicer than her -- inside and out. Karma will eventually find her. Stay strong, Sara. Lots of hugs...

Love always -- Jess