Sara's Wild Ride (Part II)

[REM.1126]

I suggest that you have a discussion with Athena (BG) about PTSD. I didn't think I had it either, but she had some interesting insights that seemed to explain a lot. 

[Gina P]

She did mention that she uses EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as a technique for managing anxiety, but I'm not exactly sure about whether it would apply to me.  I have heard of this being the "big thing" for PTSD issues, but I don't think my problems are tied to any one trauma incident.  There are definitely a handful of important events that have shaped me, but I don't know if this technique is the best for me.  I'll probably try to do some research on it.

Has anyone else had EMDR therapy proposed?  Did it do anything for you?

~Sara

EMDR sounds intriguing. I had never heard of this. Let us know if you decide to use it and how it works out. I hate the old memories that haunt me and refuse to fade.
Hugs Gina

[TXSara]

I suggest that you have a discussion with Athena (BG) about PTSD. I didn't think I had it either, but she had some interesting insights that seemed to explain a lot. 

I will.  I'm in contact with Athena almost daily LOL, so I'll have plenty of opportunities to ask!

I always thought of PTSD as being something that comes from a "life threatening" trauma event.  As I understand it a little better, I'm finding that I have dealt with quite a few trauma events over the past couple years that may have contributed to my recent anxiety problems.  Most of those have to do with being "othered". 

There were a lot of "bad smell face" moments during my transition that I had to endure.  I still see those faces very clearly.  They still hurt.  I'll never forget the face this one woman made toward me on my very first public outing in "girl mode" a few years ago.  It still haunts me.  It was a look of repulsion.  Brutal.

There was also the first week of online dating where I made the horrible mistake of not making it very clear in my profile that I was transgender.  I received an extreme amount of attention from many men who seemed very dateable "on paper".  It was excruciating to live through rejection after rejection as I messaged back and made it clear that I was transgender.  At the end of that week, there were exactly ZERO people who thought I was worth getting to know.  Ouch.

Then there was the moment of clarity where I realized that I was constantly being objectified by the men who were interested in me after knowing I was trans.  It turns out that they weren't really interested in ME at all -- they were only interested in having sex with a very feminine and attractive "chick with a <rhymes with click>".  It hurts to realize that you are only a sex toy in someone else's mind.  It hurts even worse when you realize that you would have never given that dude the time of day if you were cisgender.

I think the worst one, though, was the frumpy, balding, chubby, dorky man who I gave a "chance" because he was so nice to me.  He was attentive, didn't seem concerned one way or the other about my extra appendage, and he seemed to genuinely be into ME.  I wasn't initially attracted, but I eventually found a small spark and tried to let it grow.  Things got physical, and once he saw me in "all my glory" I never heard from him again.  Ghosted.

I don't even need to mention the crap I dealt with last week -- that one is a very new and sore wound.

Like O&C said, these are the moments that wear down your self esteem.  It's a dang good thing that I have always had a borderline unhealthy high opinion of myself, because the things we go through are enough to really bring you down.

Maybe I DO have PTSD.

~Sara

[Oldandcreaky]

Sara, your latest post was hard to read, but I'm glad you wrote it. Drag the hurt into the light because it thrives in the dark. I'll write more later. I must mull. The frankness of your post deserves that.

[EllenW]

Sara,

I am so sorry that you have gone through all this turmoil dating. Concentrate on having your GCS in a few weeks and once you physically recover life will be a lot better.  There are good people out there and I know that you will find them.

Lots of HUGHS

Ellen 

[Oldandcreaky]

There were a lot of "bad smell face" moments during my transition that I had to endure.  I still see those faces very clearly.  They still hurt.  I'll never forget the face this one woman made toward me on my very first public outing in "girl mode" a few years ago.  It still haunts me.  It was a look of repulsion.  Brutal.

Sara, upon reflection, I hope that "those faces" blur over time. I hope they haunt you less and less. What I want for you is what I want for everyone. I want people to be happy. I even want that for the woman who gave you "a look of repulsion." I am nearly certain that that woman is an unhappy woman. Her investment in you, a stranger, is beyond sad. It's tragic.

There are people who embrace diversity, who are happiest among people who are different. I'm one of them. Then there are people who are comforted by conformity. That woman was such a person. Her craving of conformity comes from her weakness, her uncertainty. She needs everyone to be like her so that she doesn't have to wonder if she wants to be like her.

I know it's hard when someone looks AT YOU to remember that that moment wasn't about you; it was about her failings. Try to remember that and let it fade, let that ghost fade away.

[tgirlamg]

Sara, upon reflection, I hope that "those faces" blur over time. I hope they haunt you less and less. What I want for you is what I want for everyone. I want people to be happy. I even want that for the woman who gave you "a look of repulsion." I am nearly certain that that woman is an unhappy woman. Her investment in you, a stranger, is beyond sad. It's tragic.

There are people who embrace diversity, who are happiest among people who are different. I'm one of them. Then there are people who are comforted by conformity. That woman was such a person. Her craving of conformity comes from her weakness, her uncertainty. She needs everyone to be like her so that she doesn't have to wonder if she wants to be like her.

I know it's hard when someone looks AT YOU to remember that that moment wasn't about you; it was about her failings. Try to remember that and let it fade, let that ghost fade away.

Couldn't of said it better O&C 🌻

Sara!... I'm so sorry about the recent bumps in your road but, I know you will find your way and be even stronger and wiser on the other side of these challenges... Your attitude since day one assures success in all that you do little sister!

W Whitman...

"All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me."

Lotsa Hugs and Love!

A 💕

[Oldandcreaky]

Ashley, I love that you quoted Walt Whitman. Walt saw us, i.e. humanity, at its horrific worst, for he volunteered as a nurse in the Civil War. He was thigh-high in arms, legs, and suffering. When you walk away from that, and write this,

"I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me,"

well, there is thunder in your words. He is Papa Walt, the patriarch of love you can't snuff.

[Courtney G]

I feel all of this very deeply and personally. As a long-term Person Of Low Self-esteem, I almost can't stand to think about the idea of suffering these slings and arrows as A Person Who Is Transitioning. I'm just not sure I have it in me.

Sorry, but I can't help but wish we could have our own little island or something, filled with queer people who love each other for exactly who we are, no more or less.

The problem is not the hate, ugliness and intolerance that's out there, the problem is that those sounds seem so much louder than the sounds of love and acceptance. We react to them so strongly and we give them more power when we do so. I ask you all: how do we learn to drown hate out with love? That's my desire. If I can figure out how to do that, I might be able to do "all of this."

[TXSara]

Thanks everyone.  Your support is really helpful, and I am finding that it was a bit cathartic to get some of that stuff out.  I definitely feel better now than I did when I was writing it.

-------

Maybe it'll help to get another issue out into the open.  There is a separate core wound that I'll need to heal if I want to feel stable in any relationship going forward.  This one really doesn't have much to do with my transition and has been with me most of my life.

Here it is --

As a kid growing up, I was really small.  I mean REALLY small.  I was also a pretty "cute" kid, both in my personality and looks.  People liked me, and women and girls alike thought I was adorable.  Sounds great, right?  Not really if you're interested in dating.  I was constantly "friend-zoned" as a kid and young adult.  I was the person EVERYBODY rooted for to find a girlfriend, but nobody actually wanted to BE the girlfriend.  I was too dang nice, and there's nothing sexy about the nice little bunny rabbit.

Even when I DID date, I was never a person who "made a move" very easily.  I saw a lot of that as being disrespectful if I wasn't absolutely sure that it would be met with a positive reaction.  You see, most of my male role models were "womanizers".  My dad, my uncle, both grandfathers... I didn't think it was cool at all, and I didn't ever want to be like them.  As a result, I became really strong in the "connection" side of relationships and very weak in the "chemistry" side.  I lost multiple relationships in high school due to an inability to develop that chemistry.

As I grew older, I learned to push myself to be better at developing the sexual tension.  I learned to flirt, and I took reasonable (but never pushy) risks in getting more physical.  This worked pretty well, and things started to turn around for me.  I was never "Don Juan" with the ladies, but I did OK.

On the night that my ex-GF and I decided to become exclusive, she made a comment about her "cup being completely full" with me on the connection side, but that there were "still questions" on the sexual side.  She had accidentally stepped on a very old wound for me. 

What she meant by that comment was that there was a lot of uncertainty associated with my upcoming GRS.  She had perfectly reasonable concerns.  What if I decided that I really liked guys after that?  What if I was no longer interested in sex at all?  We talked about it, but the damage to my confidence was already done.  I was (in my mind) not measuring up.  I immediately went into heightened anxiety mode, and the events of the next week drove me over the edge.  Ugh.

This surgery can't come fast enough.  I need to finally feel "whole".

~Sara

[tgirlamg]

Hey Lil' Sister!

Gonna send a few thoughts to you by text!

A❤️

[tgirlamg]

Here is most of what I texted Sara in case others may find themselves with similar concerns...

Hey Sara!

I have always thought there were more then a few  similarities in our paths... Your description of your dynamic with girls in your youth was much like mine... Never one to make a first move and always striving to be respectful etc...  Many of my relationships were long lived but, they had quickly moved into friend mode and remained on auto pilot for years mostly because i clung to them... Always wanting that connection with a girl and afraid to  lose it... Eventually finding my way to a more workable approach as you did.

I want you to know there is more to your last line about surgery than you know... It is a transformative thing in every sense of the word... It really cements a lot of aspects of all this in place at levels you you cannot yet fully imagine... My unsolicited advice is this... Let go of your worries... Let go of concerns about how you fit into life and the world... Focus and prepare yourself for the great change coming your way... Post op... Focus on the routine of your self care and healing... When you are ready to turn your attention outward once again, to the world and to others.. It will all be seen through new eyes and new possibilities will be yours...

You are still pretty early in all this stuff and anxious, as I was... To have all the ducks of the new life quickly coming to life, lining up and quacking in unison! Trust in yourself... Trust in the process of becoming the you that you want to be... Trust in the world to adapt to you and... trust that you will adapt to the world...

I believe this experience of life is every bit for our benefit on the spiritual level... You and I are blessed with our "burden" of being a bit different and offered the lessons of love contained within the challenges... We have both been given so much... Family and friends and comfortable lives that would be the envy of many... I don't know where I am going with all this other then, in many ways I see some of my past in your past and I want you to know that... with a past like that... An Amazing And Beautiful Future Can Be Found!!!.. Go Claim Yours!

Onward We Go Brave Sister!!!

Hugs and Love!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

[TXSara]

Thank you, Ashley --

You are a great friend, and you have been a wonderful mentor throughout the last few years.  I really appreciate you.

I want you to know there is more to your last line about surgery than you know... It is a transformative thing in every sense of the word... It really cements a lot of aspects of all this in place at levels you you cannot yet fully imagine...

I agree, but I don't want to put too much pressure on the emotional outcome.  I know that having my body fully in line with my gender identity will be very affirming, but I am trying not to have a misguided view that all of a sudden life will be completely changed.  I think the biggest change will be in my own self-confidence.

My unsolicited advice is this... Let go of your worries... Let go of concerns about how you fit into life and the world... Focus and prepare yourself for the great change coming your way... Post op... Focus on the routine of your self care and healing... When you are ready to turn your attention outward once again, to the world and to others.. It will all be seen through new eyes and new possibilities will be yours...

Agreed.  I think it's about time for me to go into cocoon mode.  While my appearance will not be changed when I emerge, my internal view of self will likely be quite a bit better.  I'm looking forward to that.  It sucks feeling like you're broken, and it REALLY sucks when other people reinforce that belief for you.

You are still pretty early in all this stuff and anxious, as I was... To have all the ducks of the new life quickly coming to life, lining up and quacking in unison! Trust in yourself... Trust in the process of becoming the you that you want to be... Trust in the world to adapt to you and... trust that you will adapt to the world...

I'm doing my best, sis.  The past couple years have been one "trust fall" after another, and I am still here, relatively unscathed.  I fully expect this to work out in the end as well.

~Sara

[Maid Marion]

Hi Sara,
Good luck with the GCS!

My wife was small was well. She was amazed that I avoided the bullying encountered by small people.
I had a sibling that tried to pick fights so I learned how to defend myself.

Lunchtime was biggest opportunity for bullying.  I was busy learning how to fix a teacher's Heathkits.  He put them together but they didn't work until I fixed them for him!

Marion

[TXSara]

My wife was small was well. She was amazed that I avoided the bullying encountered by small people.
I had a sibling that tried to pick fights so I learned how to defend myself.

To be clear, I never was really "bullied" for being small.  Sure, I was called "shrimp" by my classmates, but it was always in fun.  The worst I got was my 7th grade track coach calling me "Mathelete" as a derisive term indicating that I was much better at math than athletics.  I can't fault him too much because he was right . Most of that stuff rolled off my back -- I'm not hurt by any of it at all.

The hurt came from feeling like I was never taken seriously as a romantic interest.  I didn't realize how much of an emotional scar this was until my GF stepped on that landmine and totally shattered my confidence by bringing up some very old feelings.

~Sara

[REM.1126]

Yeah, I am taller than average NOW, but through most of my teens I was 5'5" to 5'6".  And, I looked like I was about 11-12 years old.  I wasn't sexually aggressive, and never got over that.  I married two different women that didn't age a problem being the initiator.  I come off as a huge dork if I try, it is so awkward that it tends to result in my partner laughing rather than being aroused.

I spent high school and college in the friend zone.  My senior year of high school I started to go through puberty, and by the end of my freshman year of college I was over 6'.  But, I was still incredibly insecure, and not sexually aggressive at all. 

And, I never worked past that.  I still can't initiate sex.  And, my wife doesn't anymore either.  I haven't had sex in so long that I can't even remember what year it was last time I did.  Maybe 10 years ago?  I probably haven't had sex a dozen times since I came out to my wife more than 17 years ago.   I miss intimacy more than intercourse, though I do miss both.

[D'Amalie]

Yeah, I am taller than average NOW, but through most of my teens I was 5'5" to 5'6".  And, I looked like I was about 11-12 years old.  I wasn't sexually aggressive, and never got over that.  I married two different women that didn't age a problem being the initiator.  I come off as a huge dork if I try, it is so awkward that it tends to result in my partner laughing rather than being aroused.

I spent high school and college in the friend zone.  My senior year of high school I started to go through puberty, and by the end of my freshman year of college I was over 6'.  But, I was still incredibly insecure, and not sexually aggressive at all. 

And, I never worked past that.  I still can't initiate sex.  And, my wife doesn't anymore either.  I haven't had sex in so long that I can't even remember what year it was last time I did.  Maybe 10 years ago?  I probably haven't had sex a dozen times since I came out to my wife more than 17 years ago.  I miss intimacy more than intercourse, though I do miss both.

This is a very personal topic and speaking to this public forum, many kudos to you.

I was bullied throughout school, not athletic or musical, pretty shy.  Not really socially awkward but unable to banter, tease or come up with snappy comebacks.  I was very sensitive to be sure.  Usually at least one bully at a time, someone different every school year.  I was smaller than others through middle school, seemed that there was always someone looking for another to hound all the way through high school. I lived in the libraries every spare minute for safety.  I love the escapism of books.

We hadn't spare income for extracurricular activities, and with no car or cash, going to town for social activities was a non-starter through my high school years.  We tried Boy Scouts once when I was 9-10, but when my stepmother figured out it cost money for the activities, uniforms and dues she pulled me out quickly.  Dad probably would have found a way to make it work because he believed in the program, yet he was deployed so much I had no protection or support from that quarter.

Low income and living out in the country, enough for a 45 min bus ride to and from school.  No car of my own until I went in the service.

I was very timid about initiating sex, almost always waiting for the partner to start.  I think I had such a difficult time because I was very rejection averse.  I still find that to be true even in my 60's.

[REM.1126]

I think part of my problem was that I was very insecure about my body, and took rejection very hard because frankly, I hated myself for being trans (didn't call it that back then) and thought of myself as completely unlovable.  I was terrified that if I got to know anyone well enough, they'd figure me out.  And, 3 out of my only 4 did.  The one who didn't figure it out on her own, I told and we are still married.

[Jessica_K]

I have just caught up on your new blog Sara, and sorry to hear your woes. We are aways our worst enemy. And new life experiences are a new journey, one that has not been experienced before this way, so it is not surprising mistakes are made and anxiety kicks in.

I often refer to transition as starting one's teenage years again, physically by taking hormones and mentally seeing the world anew. And finding love as a teenager is difficult and full of insecurity and dead ends. The advantage we have is we have been there before and we learn quick.

It great that you have found the courage to get back out there again and pleased that you are getting already confirmation of your worth. Go girl upwards and onwards

Hugs
Jessica xxx

[TXSara]

So, I met with therapist #2 this afternoon.  I like her, and not just because she's "in network"  .  She also has more qualifications than the other therapist (PsyD, etc).  I think I'm going to stick with her.  We're scheduled for a session two weeks from now, then we'll go every week leading up to my surgery.  We'll reassess where we are after that.

One thing that I really liked was the fact that she was very in tune with the fact that your internal view of self needs to be congruent with the objective evidence you see in the world around you.  There's no point filling yourself with positive self-statements that allow you to reject evidence to the contrary.  That's not helpful and can be potentially harmful in the long run.  I'm in total agreement with that.

I also liked the fact that she said my anxiety is a protection mechanism that is there for a good reason.  We don't want to do away with the anxiety -- we just want to make sure we're seeing things accurately and we'll try to stop the "spinning out of control" when it starts.

Like with the other therapist, most of the session was spent with me getting her level-set to the things that have gone on both recently and in the past.  We also talked about my hypothesis for what is happening with me, and she thought it was a very good self-analysis.  It would take too long to go into, but the gist is that every time I have felt anxiety in my relationships (three times -- twice in high school and this recent bout), there has been something that caused a large discrepancy between how I felt about myself and how I felt about my partner.  Essentially, I need to work the problem from both directions in order to bring my emotions more in line with reality.

Anyway, I think I have found someone I can work with, and no cage match was necessary. 

~Sara