Sara's Wild Ride (Part II)

[TXSara]

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the long delay in writing anything -- when you don't feel like sitting down, it makes writing posts like this a bit of a chore!  I'm starting to feel a little better while sitting, so here goes --

I am now a little over 5 weeks since my surgery on 2/20.  I had a minor complication in that the stitches popped open in the area near my vaginal introitus.  The "official" name for what I had was a "wound dehiscence at the posterior fourchette".  It hurt like heck (and still does) because this wound gets irritated every time I dilate.  OUCH!

Other than that, I'm doing pretty well.  I am now up to dilating four times a day, and I have moved up to the 3rd dilator size (out of four).  My friends and I call the final size the "Dirk Diggler", and I'm straight up SCARED of that one.  Holy Moly!

Dr. McGinn was able to achieve pretty good depth, and I'm bottoming out just a little past the final dot on the green dilator (the 2nd largest).  This dot is at 6", so I'm thinking I'm a little better than that.

Oohh!!  I have two OTHER things to report (and this might get the post edited LOL)! 

1.  I have found that I get pretty darned wet when I get turned on, which I wasn't really expecting.  Obviously, dilation isn't doing it for me, but I have started watching "The L Word" since a friend couldn't believe I hadn't ever seen it.  Boy, that show is SPICY!

2.  I have already had my first "big O"!  YESSSSS!!!  You guys don't know how worried I was that I would lose function.  I'm already getting pretty good sensation down there, and it's only going to get better.  I know that Dr. McGinn is well known for making sure that part worked as well as possible, and she didn't disappoint!

I am slightly disappointed about my aesthetic appearance right now, but it really wasn't the surgeon's fault.  I just didn't have much fat to work with (because I'm a workout queen), so it looks like I may have to have a fat graft done after about 6 months or so.  In the end, though, I think I'm going to be really happy.

Well, that's enough for now -- hope you guys are doing well!

~Sara

[Jessica_Rose]

It's great to have you back on the forums, and it's nice to know that everything is working as designed.

Love always -- Jess

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
I am so very glad that you have returned to the Forum and that you have
not been taken away by aliens from outer space.

Please keep your updates coming.
In addition to the rest of your avid followers I am always eager to see and
to read your postings on your Blog thread and elsewhere on the various threads
and topics on the Forum.

Lots of HUGS, Danielle

[EllenW]

Sara,

Happy to read your latest post and that you are on your way to a full recovery. By the way, I had the same issue with my stitches. Give it time and it will heal.

Ellen

[Gina P]

So glad everything is healing with only a minor glitch. Then big 'O' already. That's great. So happy for you that everything is going well.
Hugs Gina

[davina61]

Take it easy dear, mind out for infection. Just sterilise the hell out of all your equipment, I found fungus in my duze (never could spell that) and got an infection from it. Its left me with a sore patch and I stopped dilating ,not that I need or miss it. 

[Oldandcreaky]

Good news, Sara. Thanks for the update. As far as appearance, ten women will have ten different vulvas. There is no standard vulva.

[Jenn104]

Good news, Sara. Thanks for the update. As far as appearance, ten women will have ten different vulvas. There is no standard vulva.

Everyone is unique... and it's called art. Fun link given to me by a plastic surgeon.

Jenn


https://www.thegreatwallofvulva.com/

[REM.1126]

To me, the glitch doesn't sound "minor".  It sounds significantly painful.  But, I don't note a trace of regret.  I think that speaks to the desire for this procedure and the optimism for the long term benefits. 


I hope you get 100% well soon, and that when you look back on this, you will consider the difficulties well worth experiencing for the results. 

Congratulations on the Big O. 

I am curious about the wetness.  If you don't mind, how was that accomplished?  Was it the choice of procedure that made that possible?  And, which procedures offer the best potential for that?

[TXSara]

Hi everyone, and happy Transgender Day of Visibility!  Oh yeah, and Easter too LOL!

Something has been happening recently that is causing me some emotional distress, and I wonder if y'all are similarly triggered...

I am spending quite a bit of time with cisgender women who like to talk gender politics.  When a group discussion breaks out talking about reproductive rights, mysogynistic jerks, the patriarchal society we live in, etc., I tend to clam up.  I begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.  Mine are different.  In fact, I sometimes feel like I'm being attacked because I spent 48 years with white male privilege.

I don't know that there's anything to be done about this... it's just something I notice, and it's a reason why I'll never feel completely like "one of the girls".

~Sara

[imallie]

Hi everyone, and happy Transgender Day of Visibility!  Oh yeah, and Easter too LOL!

Something has been happening recently that is causing me some emotional distress, and I wonder if y'all are similarly triggered...

I am spending quite a bit of time with cisgender women who like to talk gender politics.  When a group discussion breaks out talking about reproductive rights, mysogynistic jerks, the patriarchal society we live in, etc., I tend to clam up.  I begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.  Mine are different.  In fact, I sometimes feel like I'm being attacked because I spent 48 years with white male privilege.

I don't know that there's anything to be done about this... it's just something I notice, and it's a reason why I'll never feel completely like "one of the girls".

~Sara

You know, Sara, I haven't been in that situation yet since I'm only out to a very select few (present company included  ) but honestly that is one of the situations that I, as a professional worrier, have found triggering to me so I think about a lot when it comes to making a list of "all the road blocks ahead of me". 

And all I've concluded is that the opinions you've always held on those topics are valid. The fact that you now are presenting as your true gender does not invalidate them.

So I think saying "I've always believed..." and sharing your feelings is the best way to contribute to a cisgender female group.

I think opening with "As a woman, I think..." on the other hand, might rub some people the wrong way. Not that it isn't a true statement, but especially if you are wary of the audience, it could come across as if somehow you'd suddenly seen the light only as part of transition. As silly as that conclusion is, as a peacemaker I'd probably start the other way to avoid it.

Anyway, I have no idea if that will be helpful to you at all... but that is literally how I've played out that very scenario in my head.

[LoriDee]

I have been full-time for a few years now. I agree with Allie that your thoughts and feelings on any subject are valid. You don't need to assert that you have a woman's opinion on it any more than they do. You can just say, "I think that..." because it doesn't matter the source of your feelings. Just be yourself in all that you say or do. Even among cisgender groups, there are differing opinions. People don't question why they feel a certain way on a given topic. That is just an opinion. And you know what they say about opinions... they are like buttholes and everybody has one... and they usually stink. Go easy on yourself. No need to second-guess your thoughts and feelings. In many ways, you have more experience than they do. They have not lived as you have lived.

Hugs!

[Jenn104]

Hi everyone, and happy Transgender Day of Visibility!  Oh yeah, and Easter too LOL!

Something has been happening recently that is causing me some emotional distress, and I wonder if y'all are similarly triggered...

I am spending quite a bit of time with cisgender women who like to talk gender politics.  When a group discussion breaks out talking about reproductive rights, mysogynistic jerks, the patriarchal society we live in, etc., I tend to clam up.  I begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.  Mine are different.  In fact, I sometimes feel like I'm being attacked because I spent 48 years with white male privilege.

I don't know that there's anything to be done about this... it's just something I notice, and it's a reason why I'll never feel completely like "one of the girls".

~Sara

Sara,

I've felt very much like you have in cis-female spaces. I have lived almost 60 years of cis white male privilege. I patently am not able to say a word when IVF, pregnancy, or "being a mom" comes up. I have terrible self doubts in women only spaces.

A couple of experiences are making me re-think myself though--

About a month ago I had a long post-class chat with one of my yoga instructors. At one point I said something like, 'I have terrible imposter syndrome, its a trans thing'. Without missing a beat, she fired back, 'welcome to being a woman, we all have imposter syndrome'.

March was women's history month. The DEI office at work posted daily "interviews with female leaders" in the women's DEI chat space. They were like single power point slides with a little Q & A on them. One of the rotating questions was 'how do you get past your imposter syndrome?'. A huge eye opener for me.


In my own story, I've thought about those and a few other chances I've had to start telling myself I belong in cis-female spaces more than I believe I do. I am maybe thinking you belong more than you believe you belong. I hope this helps.

~Jenn

[Oldandcreaky]

Regarding what Jenn said, I just finished an article where I interviewed five women and two of them admitted to imposter syndrome. The article had nothing to do with gender. It was about their careers, but I share this because it's common to feel like a phony.

I begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.

Sara, I rarely utterly disagree with you, but I do here. Everyday, you are in the thick of more and more "shared experiences." As the years pass, you'll feel less and less like an imposter by dint of having more and more in common with other women, i.e. shared experiences.

[REM.1126]

As I see it, you have a unique perspective on those questions, and your friends should value them.  They may or may not agree, but in some ways you have an insight they never will.  If people are accepting, I think honesty sharing your opinions, thoughts and feelings can create a stronger bond.  Be aware that someone may disagree with you and hit back with a catty response. If they do, I think a good come back would be: "Well, I have seen the world from different role, different perspectives; and I think my opinions are of value on this issue."

Why am I thinking of Joni Mitchell's "Clouds"?

[REM.1126]

I guess Joni would say that seeing things from both sides highlighted to her that she didn't entirely grasp anything real.  It's life's illusions she recalled, and she didn't really know life at all.

I guess, you can take my original advice for what it is worth, and consider Joni's counter-argument.  Then, decide what is right for you. 

I think what I am saying is, don't feel pressure to speak.  But, if you have something valuable to offer, by all means share it. 

[TXSara]

Hi everyone!

I had a follow up appointment at Dr. McGinn's office on Monday, and everything seems to be going OK.  Kristal (Dr. McGinn's PA) really got after it with the silver nitrate because I had a few places where granulation tissue was a problem.  Thank goodness I don't have much feeling in there right now, because that would have hurt REALLY bad.

I have been given the OK to begin light exercise, which is HUGE for me.  I really need to get moving again.

Kristal says that I'll have a slightly asymmetric labia because of the wound dehiscense from earlier.  The stitches opened up more on the left side.  She says we can fix it later, but I'm not sweating it right now.  It really doesn't look bad.

I get to drop down to 3 dilations per daynow, and I'm told that a critical stretch (pun intended) is from now until the 15 week point.  If I can get through that point without losing any width or depth, I should be in really good shape.  She still wants me to try for 3 times a day all the way until the 6 month point, though.

No penetrative sex (either way LOL) until the 6 month point, but toys are fine NOW as long as I'm careful and they are clean.  No oral stimulation until at least the 3 month point due to concerns about bacterial infection.  I'm not in a big hurry here, but I figure others might be interested!

Oh, I almost forgot!  Courtney came down Sunday night, and we got to visit and have a couple drinks.  It was great catching up, and I was able to fill her in on some stuff I really don't feel needs to be on the site... it was nice to be able to discuss this stuff.

~Sara

[Northern Star Girl]

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
Your update was nice to read... good news from your doctor and wise words
from her regarding what you can do and not do with your new "downstairs" equipment!!!!

I am happy that you had a nice girl to girl meeting with Courtney.  Comparing notes
and chatting about life endeavors with a good friend is always a lovely thing to do.

I will continue to follow your updates as you feel comfortable sharing and posting.

HUGS, Danielle

[ChrissyRyan]

Sara,

I enjoy reading your updates too!  Thank you for sharing out.

Chrissy