Do you still see and hear who you used to be?

[Faith]

I'm not looking to respond to anyone directly or counter-point  .. because there is no point. We all face differing levels of used to be/am now/still am. Does it tear up some who still see the 'old', yes, absolutely - and it can suck.

For myself, no, I don't 'see' old me in the mirror nor photos, the changes were/are too significant. However, I do tend to seek out the masculine features and bemoan that I'll never look 'right'. Also, I look at old photos and know logically that it's 'me' yet emotionally I do not. There is a detachment now that sees them as other.

My initials don't match my old name. I do not register it if someone calls out my old name (when not directed in my face, which rarely happens now). In my head, I am Faith, it's also what I hear and answer to. You know how you may not hear what someone says because of background noise or simply too quiet yet you hear your name from across the room? Well, I do not hear my old name anymore yet I do hear when someone says Faith.

To answer the internal response of an old name issue. Well, hard-linked memorization will do that to you. When I wanted to relearn, cover up, an old memorization that was incorrect I would internally and externally say it to help 're-link' it to what is right.  I did the same when trying to recognize notes and chords for guitar and bass. I would see the image, finger it on the fretboard, think it, and say it out loud. It's just something to try with errant initial responses.

When my lightbulb came on, I let myself out. Since 'me' is who I was inside that I was holding back, I still see myself as me  .. does that make sense?  Are there personality quirks and actions and responses that are 'old me'? Well, yes, since it was me all along. Even Lori says that I am more 'me'.

My voice, ugh, ok granted I don't try to change it so when I am talking to someone that has known me for a long time, old voice comes in. New people and on the phone, new voice without trying. It's weird. Lori says it freaks her out because it causes a disconnect for her with regard to who I am. She doesn't equate that new voice with 'me'.

I think I rambled enough now

[Nadine Spirit]

I would have to say that it is a bit of both. Sometimes I do see and hear who I used to be and sometimes I don't. As well as sometimes, it is also about some things.

I've done an extensive amount of voice therapy over the last 5 years or so, and I continue to practice on my voice everyday. I'm mostly happy with it, and I am always gendered properly by the sound of my voice. In fact I would say that my voice will often sway people in the right gender direction if they might appear a bit unsure based on my appearance alone. However, it is still a conscious thing that I do and I'd like it to be more of an automatic thing.

In the mirror I still often see who I used to be. My self grown head hair really has no hope of being resuscitated so I will have to see that anytime I don't wear my wig. I do lots of work on my computer so I use a keyboard often and I stare at my hands and ponder when they will invent something that can shrink hands, which is basically never. It's been 7 years on HRT and still I fear that I see vastly too much of who I used to be.

Yet, at the same time, when I look at photos of me from about 8 years ago, I can barely recognize that is a prior version of me. Like I know it is me logically, but I can't connect with that version of myself in any way. I gave my college speech on being transgender again yesterday and I show lots of photos of the old me and there is one that is crazy in how different I am it's really wild.

But yeah, I struggle and I work hard still everyday to continue to shift my internal image of self. It's not easy, but it is working. Let's go with, it's a work in progress that is headed in a good direction, slowly but surely.

[D'Amalie]

Some days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina

Sad but true.  I find as I get older the GID becomes less strident, but I'm still disappointed that I'll not get a wolf whistle whilst walking down the street (figuratively speaking that is.)  Could of, would of and should of is like guilt ... not useful.

If in my 20's in this day in time, maybe the disappointment could be overcome.  No matter what, I will never be young and cute again.  So, I pull up my big girl panties and enjoy what I have in life.  Balancing it all is the goal in the end.  Peace.

[LoriDee]

Something I never thought about before transitioning was that the voice in my head was female. I assumed I was hearing my thoughts in my mother's voice. Once in therapy, I began to realize that was my voice all along. I still have issues with my hairline. I am still in a fight with the VA about getting electrolysis to be rid of the beard shadow without irritating my face. In many ways, I agree with all of you and can relate to your experiences. D'Amalie hit it on the nose. When coming out to my parents, I told them that I am the same person I have been all my life. I did not change. The only difference is that now you know some private things about me that I never shared with you before. I am sharing them with you now so that you can understand why my appearance is now different.

[Oldandcreaky]

When coming out to my parents, I told them that I am the same person I have been all my life. I did not change. The only difference is that now you know some private things about me that I never shared with you before. I am sharing them with you now so that you can understand why my appearance is now different.

Well put, LoriDee. However, I disagree with you just a pinch: I've been treated as female for 40 years. Those experiences have changed me somewhat. My nature is female, but now my nurture is female too.

[BlueJaye]

No, I don't. Ever. That hasn't happened for about 3 years now.

[MFaraday]

Hear me out 'afore you shoot me?!

I think I am still who I used to be.  I see and hear "who I used to be" because I'm still me.  My transitioning is not a hard stop one way and beginning another.  It's an evolved and evolving condition.  Sure, my clothing reflects a change, leading an judging observer to assume one way over another.  Female hopefully over male.

But I stand on it's "only me" after all.  My old self is still me.  My "new me" is me but maybe not so new.  The entire situation isn't one of black and white.

From the moment I first started to understand my real gender, much less make any plans for transitioning, I saw it this way, that the "real me" isn't changing.  I was always very gender-nonconforming, living as I wanted, doing, liking, and being what made sense to me. I think that lifestyle actually made it harder for me to understand I really am not female.  All my life I thought and said:  I don't have to be a man to do or like or be X. The fact that I didn't have to be, or at least I lived that way, kept me from understanding that I really was one.  Transitioning now is a bit like getting the formal job title after you have been doing the work of the position already for years.

That being said, it is much more complex than that, but that seems to flow from the implementation, both medical and legal, as well as fielding the reactions of others.  I don't know how far reassuring others that "I'm still me" will go. 

Something I never thought about before transitioning was that the voice in my head was female. I assumed I was hearing my thoughts in my mother's voice. Once in therapy, I began to realize that was my voice all along. I still have issues with my hairline. I am still in a fight with the VA about getting electrolysis to be rid of the beard shadow without irritating my face. In many ways, I agree with all of you and can relate to your experiences. D'Amalie hit it on the nose. When coming out to my parents, I told them that I am the same person I have been all my life. I did not change. The only difference is that now you know some private things about me that I never shared with you before. I am sharing them with you now so that you can understand why my appearance is now different.

My internal voice and vision of myself has always been male, something I never acknowledged to anyone, for reasons I still don't understand.  Now I feel I can finally take ownership of that, bring it out into the open as part of the real me.  Yes, I'm still me, but I feel more relaxed and comfortable now exploring and expressing some parts of me that didn't get much attention in past years.