How to respond if a stranger asks if you are Trans?

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: May 11, 2022, 05:13:41 am »
I no longer consider myself transgender, although medically I always will be. To me, 'trans' is an in-between state. I presented as a male for over 50 years. For a few years during my transition, I was transgender, I was 'in between'. I've been full time Jessica over four years now. At some point I realized I was done transitioning, I am a woman.

Whether or not you decide to disclose your history is a personal choice. Unless there is a compelling reason to tell someone, my answer would be 'no'. In most public situations, that would typically be the safest choice. There is no reason to make yourself a potential target. There are some situations where I would disclose my past, but only if it would serve a good purpose.

If a stranger who I would probably never meet again asks, I would reply 'Oh my goodness, no.' If a relationship eventually develops and you feel safe, you can always apologize later for being misleading. Our health and safety should always come first.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Devlyn]

At that point, I'd say the cat's out of the bag and I'd say "Yes".

Some of us are not on the way from one end of the binary to the other, and we are indeed transgender, it isn't an "in between" step for us. The term can be used for both of the situations described so far in this thread. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Gina P]

I would probably reply with why do you ask the question and see where it goes from there. If I feel they are just a butt, I would say why are you?

[Maid Marion]

I'd say yes in person but I'm still not yet ready to out myself on the Internet.

[EllenW]

For me, I since I have had my revision surgery, I no longer consider me to be trans. I am a woman. So, in most cases I would answer no. If it was someone I am dating and I am interested in developing a physical relationship that I would tell them yes.

Ellen

[Cindy]

I have to tell one of my strangest 'are you trans' events.
I had laryngeal cancer and had to have my larynx removed. No vocal cords no speech. I recovered well. After some time you have a procedure to place a plastic valve in your new throat and with some manipulation you can talk again. Sort of.
I recovered and adapted well. So well that the speech pathology people ask me to help out with other patients who were struggling to cope. Sometimes meeting a person who has also had throat cancer can be a real help.
I got a call if I would meet a man who was struggling. He could only communicate by writing as he hadn't had a valve as yet. Of course I agreed and we set up a meeting in a coffee shop.
First thing he did was turn over his writing pad  with a note. "I looked you up on the internet. You are one of those transgenders!" Or words to that effect. Then he wrote down. "Have you had the operation?"
I was a little taken aback.
I'm not stealth. I know that I can be easily found and to be honest I don't care.
I replied by writing on his note pad words to the effect of: "We are here to help you cope with having your throat removed and you are worried in case I've had my nuts cut off?".
The effect was amazing! He collapsed in the special sort of laughter that laryngectomy people have, we can't laugh - no sound. Just heaving and trying to breathe (only one breathing hole). He eventually recovered. I had to reassure the coffee shop staff and order another coffee.
He was a lot better mannered after.

So my response has to be that I respond well to dumb questions!

[Sarah B]

I have never considered myself 'trans' anything'.  The only term that was around when I changed my life around was the word 'transsexual', which I found about from a men's magazine (probably playboy) that did an article on the subject.

Even to this day I do not use (and hate) the words 'trans' anything, even the use of the word 'transsexual', is even restricted.  I have mellowed a little bit in regards to 'transsexual', but not the others, because 'transsexual' is best used in the context when I tell a general practitioner GP about my past medical condition.  The amount of times I have told a GP is maybe 3 times and even one of them, I regret doing so, even though there was no problem, when I told him.  Reason being I was not comfortable with him.  I should have gotten to know him a lot better, before doing so.

My last doctor did not even know, I was a 'transsexual' and yet I saw this doctor approximately once every two weeks for ten plus years with my mum, he was my mum's doctor, before I became his, he was stunned to say the least.

A similar story can be told in regards to a cousin who came into the family at first she did not know my history until sometime later her husband told her and when I got to talk to her recently about me.  I asked her "did she see a female, when she first saw me" and she replied "yes and you still are".

These stories give me a perspective that I cannot not normally get.  I was just a female to them.

Ever since I changed my life around I have never been misgendered, because I'm so 'stealth' and the information about me is not out there.  The only time was a couple of times on the phone, very early on, which resulted in a swift reply of 'this is she', and in response they said sorry.  I just made a real conscious effort in speaking on  the phone to ensure that it would never happen again.

If the situation was to arise I would say "no I'm not", or 'I'm a female', then I would move on.  Mind you, I have a ton of replies in my mind should a conservation continue in this vain.

Kind regards to one and all
Sarah B

[Jessica_K]

I start by saying I have never been asked this question. Only a few friends know my story and obviously here I am open. But to all others in my real life I am just a woman.

I also do not consider myself as trans, I have taken HRT over the last 5 years and now my body is close to as complete as I can ever see myself to be. My body had changed but all our bodies change with age, mine just in a slightly added way as the HRT did it's thing. But in my brain and heart i have not changed I have not transitioned. I have always been female just not in the right body and it's that that I have changed.

So to the question if it did ever happen I have not a clue how I would react. Properly as I often do to questions that make no sense, I bat my eyelids and stare back looking perplexed and see what happens next.

Hugs xxx

[Rachel]

Great question, I am the same gender I have always been. I have done all I can to align my body to my gender. I blend in very well and for that I am very thankful. I am 6'1" so the suspicion will always be there. So as far as I am concerned I am not trans. However, I think some cis people would consider me trans.

When I go to the gym I am treated as female. Guys hold the door and I go to the woman's locker room and no one says anything. Some guys in the gym look at me but I think they are looking at my body.

I do not disclose my history outside of work.

When I go to the Korean spa no one treats me different or stairs.

[ChrissyRyan]

I think this depends on your comfort level and your perceived context or motive of the question.  Share your status of transitioning only when you are comfortable sharing.


Chrissy

[Jessica_K]

I think this depends on your comfort level and your perceived context or motive of the question.  Share your status of transitioning only when you are comfortable sharing.


Chrissy

Sorry Chrissy, this seems to say that not to share is somehow a bad thing, a your are not there yet thing, a one day you will share when it's your time.

To many this is part of a transition and endorses the be out when you are ready that is wanted to be heard.

But there are others like me, lucky to pass, that have gone beyond that point, not made a splash about it, but wish to live their life in their chosen gender just like anyone else. It is not invalid to do that, it is not denial. It's not an I am not ready yet. It's a confidence to be yourself and get away with it.

My life is not perfect as many a post here has shown but for most of my time, where it really counts I can just be a woman like every other.

Hugs
Jessica xxx

[Devlyn]

Sorry Chrissy, this seems to say that not to share is somehow a bad thing, a your are not there yet thing, a one day you will share when it's your time.

To many this is part of a transition and endorses the be out when you are ready that is wanted to be heard.

But there are others like me, lucky to pass, that have gone beyond that point, not made a splash about it, but wish to live their life in their chosen gender just like anyone else. It is not invalid to do that, it is not denial. It's not an I am not ready yet. It's a confidence to be yourself and get away with it.

My life is not perfect as many a post here has shown but for most of my time, where it really counts I can just be a woman like every other.

Hugs
Jessica xxx

I didn't read Chrissy's comment that way at all. I took it as "Share if it's what you want to do, and if you feel safe doing so."

Hugs, Devlyn

[Carla68]

Hi All,

I consider myself a woman post my surgery I was trans before that and a man before that but i have always been me.

I was out at the weekend at a Meetup social event and I have been to a lot of these last 2 years. I have never met any of these people before my transition and have never discussed my gender, they do know I am married to a women but every now and again I will hear someone accidentally drop a male pronoun in conversation (i have some friends I have known a very long time who understandably do this occasionally). I sometimes think it is a subconscious thing they do when we have a conversation that is more male orientated.

Obviously living in Britain 75% of people would say absolutely nothing even if I had started transitioning yesterday, I'm hoping that percentage is much higher for me now but at the weekend one lady from Wales midway through a conversation with me asked if I was happy with my change, it caught me off guard because at first I didn't have a clue what she meant, she then said you know change from Carl to Carla (I know the name change wasn't a big one but surprised she was so confident in her guess).
I fessed up that had my op a long time ago and hadn't been asked for a while (supposedly 2.5 years isn't a long time to her) we had a quick chat about it and went on to another conversation.
After the event her and I and 2 other ladies went for something to eat and some drinks into the early hours without another mention of the subject I was just one of the girls.
It's strange how every now and again you meet someone who is there with the question almost straight away and other people who never ask, i was 9 months into friendship when the 2 types crossed paths at same time and turns out my friend didn't have a clue i might have been a man once!
I genuinely think in this ladies case she had to know out of dam curiosity and after that she was satisfied to carry on.
Other people on a rare few occasions have been more direct and tried to showoff how clever they are (its just their competitive nature) I usually congratulate them in a deep voice and if they are male tell about the extremely painful op in detail

Carla
     

[ChrissyRyan]

I didn't read Chrissy's comment that way at all. I took it as "Share if it's what you want to do, and if you feel safe doing so."

Hugs, Devlyn

That is what I meant.

Chrissy

[Jessica_K]

That is what I meant.

Chrissy

I am very sorry Chrissy, guess I am just a bit too sensitive on the subject of not telling anyone, being stealth. I did my coming out to those that needed to know many years ago. Paid my dues now reaping the reward.

Hugs Chrissy xxx
Jessica

[ChrissyRyan]

I am very sorry Chrissy, guess I am just a bit too sensitive on the subject of not telling anyone, being stealth. I did my coming out to those that needed to know many years ago. Paid my dues now reaping the reward.

Hugs Chrissy xxx
Jessica

Jessica,

I am so glad you are enjoying life!

Hugs,

Chrissy