« on: December 28, 2023, 07:28:00 pm »Seven years.
It's been seven years since my epiphany. For most of my life, if anyone had tried to tell me that I was transgender I would have laughed at them. At 7:28pm on 28 Dec 2016, all of the mental defenses I had built up through the years suddenly came crashing down. I no longer knew who I was. For the first time in decades, I cried. Even after seven years I am still figuring out who I am, but I think that's a lifelong struggle for many of us.
The first year was relatively easy, but telling my wife was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I learned about electrolysis and laser hair removal. I became familiar with estradiol, finasteride, and spironolactone along with their effects. As the months passed, I slowly began realizing what I had been missing all of my life. I rediscovered emotions that I had buried long ago, and I even started smiling occasionally. I began to sense the freedom that comes with escaping the darkness which had imprisoned my soul.
The second year was the most the challenging. Coming out was initially terrifying, but after the first few times I began looking forward to it. This was also a year of discovery and experimentation with clothing, hair, makeup, voice, and behavior. I also found that it takes a lot of time and effort to change your name everywhere, and I'm still not finished. Suggestion -- once the basics are done, start working with the credit reporting agencies.
Years three and four revolved around various surgeries. Those years were physically and financially painful. While driving home two weeks after GCS, I lost some sutures. The surgeon said just to let it heal, and to make sure the dilator goes in the correct opening. Depression was my friend for a while, but after several weeks everything began to heal properly. Another round of surgery left my scalp and chin partially numb, I knew that was a possible outcome. When your scalp is numb and it itches, no amount of scratching will provide relief. Most of the feeling has returned, but it will never be as it was. There is a silver lining, bumping my head is less painful than it used to be. I didn't finish paying off the loans until year six, and even that required raiding my retirement account.
The years since have been a period of rebuilding, and the onset of my new reality. In an attempt to rebuild the relationship we once had, Susan and I remarried. Some of the physical components aren't as compatible as they used to be, and we may never fully regain the intimacy we once shared. We also relocated, in part so we could build new friendships with people who don't know the person I used to be. Our new neighbors treat me the same as they would treat any other woman. Everyone has assumed we are a lesbian couple, but a few close friends know that isn't true (none of those are neighbors). Sometimes I still feel like I'm in hiding.
Overall, it has gone much better than I expected. My family still loves me, and only a few friends drifted away. When I began my journey I was certain I would be an ugly woman, but I've had strangers tell me that I'm beautiful. Other than occasional 'junk' mail, the only person who regularly deadnames me is... me. When I see my initials or think about myself, my first thought is always my deadname. Maybe one day I'll figure out how to reprogram myself, maybe I just need to reboot my operating system. Most importantly, I am finally comfortable with who I am.
Seven years seems like a long time, but it really depends on your point of view. Seven years ago I thought it would take forever, but the time seems to have passed quickly. It has been a struggle, and there were times when I questioned my decision. Whenever I have a doubt, I just think back to when my life was at it's darkest moment, and I know I made the right decision.
Don't wait for the 'right' time, because you can always talk yourself into pushing the date out a little further. The truth is, there never is a 'right' time, only a time which may be a little less inconvenient. Transitioning may take years, but if you never start, you'll never finish.
If I knew then what I know now, would I still transition? Yes, without hesitation.
I wish all of you the best of luck on your journey.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
March 2017 vs March 2023
