Getting it on

[James EE]

So I had a radial forearm phallioplasty years ago. My current partner and I have been together 5 years and are engaged. Our sex life isn't great these days. She's perimenopausal which doesn't help her sex drive. She has asked me more than once how do I know you are turned on as you don't get a spontaneous erection. Ignore the fact that this wasn't an issue in our early days as we were just horny and in love. Any advice on how to indicate this without trying to pump up my penis during a snog of similar intimacy?
Sometimes we go months without sex, it's not great.
Cheers guys.

[Courtney G]

I'm sorry to hear this, James. As the previous "male" in a relationship with a woman in a similar place, I've found myself endlessly frustrated while she doesn't seem particularly phased by our complete lack of sexual intimacy. These days, the T is gone and my drive has changed significantly, but a difference between us remains. When I bring it up, she suggests that the reason is because I don't "do anything". But I touch and kiss her, not in a directly sexual manner, but as a prelude to the next step...and she doesn't signal any desire for anything more.

That's a tough place to be. Unless you believe that a man should just take what he wants (I doubt you do), it doesn't feel right to proceed without encouragement. And as you know, the state of your penis isn't the arbiter of your level of interest in sexual intimacy.

My suggestion is to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that not all men "lead with their penises". She might have prior experience with that as the case, but it isn't always that way, as it's not the case for you. With (I assume) testosterone in your system, you probably don't need much encouragement to get in the mood, but her wiring is clearly different. I think she needs to know that you can/do experience a strong sense of desire without the corresponding physical signals, and that you need her to let you know when there's an opportunity to pursue that, and that you'll most likely be ready to go, no matter what happens to be going on downstairs at that moment.

[Robbyv213]

Speaking as a man who has not transitioned yet all my life in every relationship I've been in I eventually found one thing that each person liked or probably not the right word but I found that one thing that in that person's minds suggested hey this might turn sexual and it's also something that is meant to turn them on and feel good at the same time.

And like others have said it's very difficult when you're in a spot with your significant other where you try something and you get no signals back or there is a complete lack of effort on their side and then eventually you give up trying but I hope you can push through that and find that one thing that creates intimacy between you both but also turns your spouse on and suggest that you're not just teasing them and you want to go further.

For my wife and I usually it starts out as a body rub or a massage that I give her and obviously my hands will find their places that a regular massage hands would be forbidden to go so essential body massage usually gets things going and suggest after the massage there's going to be another activity that hopefully I helped loosen her up a bit muscle wise. Lol

I remember that my 1X it was always about kissing and making out and if I wanted it to go further I would always start to kiss and nibble on her neck which she liked and turned her on and that's typically when I received some sort of sign back from her that she was also in the mood to move further as well.

So those are just some examples of the little things that I eventually found out about each one of my partners likes and dislikes and things that initiate intimacy.

Now granted obviously during these activities blood flow increases and obviously as a genetic male I would get an erection so the sign is pretty obvious but I also feel my body language above the waist and my actions and the whole mood also set the tone that hey you know let's have sex.

So I'm not sure if there's something like that that you can do you know your partner likes that is also a suggestion that you would like things to move further into the being more sexual intimacy environment.