Bad jokes and puns

[Lori Dee]

Talking of books I saw this one the other day, Breast Implants by Norma Snockers

I remember the classic, "Yellow Rivers" by I. P. Freely.

[MsLeigh]

Never blame others for the road you're on, it's your own asphalt.

Hugs,
Leigh

[ChrissyRyan]

Is asphalt rectum trouble?

[davina61]

white knuckle rides by  S K Elington

[ChrissyRyan]

A woman asks a guy dressed in western wear at a bar if he is a real cowboy.  He answers that he indeed is and mentions numerous things that a real cowboy does most days. 

She is awed and mentions that she is a lesbian, as she wakes up and then thinks throughout the day of naked, beautiful women and being with them.  A minute or two of silence follows.

Then a dude walks up, sits down, and asks the same guy if he is a real cowboy.  The cowboy thinks for a few moments, bewildered, and answers, "I thought that I am.  Now I think I am a lesbian."

——

P.S.  I am not making fun of lesbians.  I am a trans lesbian.  No offense intended,

[ChrissyRyan]

Why are chemists great at solving problems?

Because they have all of the solutions!

[ChrissyRyan]

Two antennas decided to get married.  The ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!

[davina61]

How come Santa was winded? One of the reindeer kicked him in his sack.

[ChrissyRyan]

My jokes are not that good!  Of course, that is why they are posted here (see the name of this thread!)

Surely YOU have a joke you can post?  Please do.  They cannot be worse than mine, can they?


Chrissy

P.S.  Do not answer that last question.

[MaryT]

Talking of books I saw this one the other day, Breast Implants by Norma Snockers

In the 1970s there was a well-illustrated bestseller called
Flushed with Pride! The Story of Thomas Crapper.

Thomas Crapper was a real Victorian sanitary engineer (Dirk Bogarde walks past the company sign early in the movie The Servant) but the book is largely comic fiction. 

However, people began to doubt that Thomas Crapper had really existed when the author followed up with a biography of Otto Titzling, "The Inventor of the Bra".

[MaryT]

Stand up time.  So i went on this blind date, asked my pal about her and he texted me she is a bit of a mouse. Great I thought a nice quiet evening with a gentle lady, turns out I was wrong as the text should have said a bit of a moose. Damn auto correct!!

Well, as the Scot who visited Canada said,

"If yon's a moose, how big are the CATS?!!"

[MaryT]

It reminds me of Little Willy poems we used to tell. Does anyone remember Little Willy?

Little Willy on his bike,
Through the village, took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk.
She will live, but still can't talk.

I remember

Little Willy with a grin
Drank up all his pappy's gin
Mummy said when he was plastered
Go to bed you little love child

[Lori Dee]

I remember

Little Willy with a grin
Drank up all his pappy's gin
Mummy said when he was plastered
Go to bed you little love child

I hadn't heard that one! I love it. 

[MaryT]

'''
Little Willy in the best of sashes
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by, the room grew chilly,
But no one dared to poke up Willy.

''''

That rhyme originally appeared in a late Victorian collection called
Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes
as

Tender-Heartedness

Billy, in one of his nice new sashes
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now, although the room grows chilly
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy

Another of my favourites from that collection is

The Perils of Obesity

Yestersay my gun exploded
When I thought it wasn't loaded;
Near my wife I pressed the trigger,
Chipped a fragment off her figure;
'Course I'm sorry and all that
But she shouldn't be so fat

The following poem reminds us what happens when masochists torture sadists.
Self-Sacrifice

Father, chancing to chastise
His indignant daughter Sue
Said, "I hope you realize
That this hurts me more than you."

Susan straightway ceased to roar.
"If that's really true," said she
"I can stand a good deal more;
Pray go on, and don't mind me."

[ChrissyRyan]

I had to look up Nail Bar.  I've never heard one called that before.

It is an uncommon term in the USA as compared to just the name of a nail salon but I have seen it.

Saw a dumb meme, maybe it was a legit marketing piece, that said something like, "Get Nailed! At such as such nail salon."

[Lori Dee]

We have a Nail Bar here in Rapid City. It is not your usual nail salon, it is a bar.

So you get your nails done while having a cocktail... or have a few cocktails while they do your nails.

I haven't been yet, but my Bestie has suggested we go together sometime.

[ChrissyRyan]

We have a Nail Bar here in Rapid City. It is not your usual nail salon, it is a bar.

So you get your nails done while having a cocktail... or have a few cocktails while they do your nails.

I haven't been yet, but my Bestie has suggested we go together sometime.

Lori,

Do let us know how that visit went if you go.  Plus your color, full set, etc.

Chrissy

[Lori Dee]

IF I go, I will.

I'm not one to drink in public since that would mean I need to drive home.
I also am not inclined to shell out $40 or whatever to have my nails done just so I can break them on rocks. My BFF wants to go, but she doesn't even wear polish, so I think it is just more of a supportive suggestion.

But maybe. Someday.

[davina61]

I have the body of a 20 year old, I keep it in the freezer---------

[ChrissyRyan]

The musician pushed the rock so it would go down the hill because he wanted some "rock and roll."