Bad jokes and puns

[Jessica_K]

Farmer Giles, an expert in his field

[ChrissyRyan]

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I will go on a head.'

[Jessica_K]

Two cows in a field. One said "moo" the other said "I was just about to say that"

[Jessica_K]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are to face s shooting squad.

The Englishman is taken to the wall and the squad was about to shoot when he points behind the squad and shouts "earthquake", the squad runs away and the Englishman escapes.

The Scotsman takes note of the Englishmen's success and when he is dragged out to the wall, waits until the squad were about to shoot and shouts out "Tidal wave", the squad run away and he escapes.

Now the Irishman is feeling really good that he would be saved too but is racking his brain. Earthquake worked, tidal wave worked, what else would work then he smiled and whispered to himself iv got it.

So it is his turn to be at the wall and the shooting squad where just about to shoot, the Irishman with a board grin across his shouts out "fire". 

[Jessica_K]

There is a big hole in the ground, the police are looking into it.

Someone stole all the loos at the cop shop, the police have nothing to go on.

PS the first one really happened in Margate where the cliff had given way and a policeman was standing guard until it could be made safe.

[davina61]

A sheep dog went into a sheep only club, he got baaaaed

[ChrissyRyan]

There was a mysterious hole made in the wooden fence near the popular swimming pool at a clothing optional resort.  The police are looking into it.

[ChrissyRyan]

I thought I saw an eye doctor on a southwestern Alaskan island; however, she turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

[ChrissyRyan]

No matter how much "you push the envelope," it will remain stationery.

[ChrissyRyan]

Do you think that flounder are unsuccessful fish?

[davina61]

2 snowpeople in a field ,one turns to the other and said can you smell carrots?

[Jessica_K]

What is your job? "I'm a real estate agent" Wow, are there imaginary ones?

[Paulie]

2 snowpeople in a field ,one turns to the other and said can you smell carrots?

That reminds me:

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "tastes funny".

[davina61]

the hat said to the coat I am going a head are you following?

[Jessica_K]

Economic news

Ice-cream prices frozen.
Biscuit prices crumble.
Tomatoe grower in the red.
Beef futures are bullish
Bread prices rise
Pear sweet price drops
Clock maker time is running out
Origami company folds.

       . . .

[ChrissyRyan]

Acme Bra company went bust.

[Jessica_K]

Organisations finances stretched after acquiring a failing knicker elastic company.

In other news:

Man spreads bird on bread as he could not tell stork from butter.

Police seek dish after reports that it has ran away with a spoon.

Experimenting ophthalmologist made a spectacle of himself.

Health guru say only cut pizzas into 6 prices as 8 is too gutty.

[davina61]

I bought some short bread but it didn't fill the tin.

A woman stopped eating breakfast as she heard there was a serial killer about.

I went to the bar where everybody knows your name and they went who are you.

[LoriDee]

What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

Don't know?

I won't be inviting you over to my place!

[davina61]

What's brown and come steaming backwards out of Cowes, the isle of Wight ferry.