So...some new news/fun.
My friend Cheryl, as I think I mentioned, is either oblivious or just doesn't care and takes what I say and is like, whatever. but now, she mentioned how she had a shoe issue at work and im like, its the universe telling us to go shoe shopping.
am i fishing? absolutely. and well, she did not say no. i said just gotta make sure wherever we go has wide widths, and for the love of god, no heels. now, i didn't have to add no heels, because my second pair of shoes was a pair of heels, and i do OK in them. actually think i got my second pair of heels before i got a second pair of flats. go figure.
on the flip side, the mrs is being...weirder than normal. very down on herself, nothing specifically to do with me/transitioning, because honestly, if she thinks about it, she never talks about it. told her if she felt that bad about anything, maybe she should have someone (a therapist) to talk to. i said that before, ive talked to my own about it, and she was proud i even said it...but the spouse is a stubborn person who largely thinks talking to therapists is pointless. now, I don't get that...i've had a therapist off and on since i was a kid for a variety of things and reasons and theres less of a stigma now than ever...but i digress.
but from there after all her woe is me BS, she's like, im telling you to move on, you should move on, if you want to move on say so. and honestly, she does this, its a twisted dance with her i swear. if i had a dollar for every time she did it, well, i wouldn't be in debt.
i am pretty sure i know what i will be talking to the shrink about this week...
and on the wig front, the shop got back to me, i have a bad feeling my schedule won't jive. i could get to see them on friday afternoon, but i think it's basically when i land...which would suck. and honestly, even if i wasn't going to don the wig and makeup, i feel an obligation to go there a bit more feminine. like, at least wear the clothes. am i crazy?
speaking of crazy...as people got more into their transition, wondering if this ever happened to them...
here's the scenario, and i would say it's been more frequent/intense in the past 2 months or so.
i have NOT started HRT yet (yes i have the pills, no i am not a chicken, i just...whatever). so anyways...usually at night when i can't sleep, i begin to daydream, or just whatever, about stepping things up. going more fem (shaving off all the bad hair, though growing any i need is unlikely). taking my HRT. going out. and yes, sometimes it gets so intense i can't help but be stimulated, but more often then not its what i pass out thinking of. i have yet to get a reasoned answer from the shrink as to what it means, if anything, but like, a year ago, i would think about stuff for a little but not like this.
but on the flip side, i will wake up and its like a reset. not that i don't want to transition or that i hate myself, just that the urge or the feeling is not overwhelming. it's there, but i guess other things keep me focused.
yep, i rambled a lot tonight...