Live From NY...It's Me :)

[JamieInNYC]

sorry to hear of the crash, I really had taken some time away and missed it all...

And yes, I figured since I had to make a new account, I'd do my 3rd name change.

First I was Jennifer...then EmilyInNY...and now Jamie. Truth be told, and I mentioned it on the thread that is now in the Ether, that I had been leaning into Jamie, after some conversations with my Torrid sales friend, and those rare chances I get to be "me", I am Jamie.

Still me...46...transitioning at a snail's pace.

A couple years when I embraced this, I had started by dressing under things and "living dangerously", but when I traveled, I started finally wearing more than just the bras and panties and such. And, when I started entering the world more closely as myself, I found myself not dressing unless I could dress as much as I wanted.

Downside now is, I don't travel nearly often enough.

But...I do get to travel again in February, for a week. Even found myself a wig shop and a salon to visit, though the reality is I probably will not have any time to do it. Tho, I really really want to find time to at least get the cheap wig fixed (unless I actually get a new one, which isn't a terrible idea).

Anywho...glad to be back

[ChrissyRyan]

sorry to hear of the crash, I really had taken some time away and missed it all...

And yes, I figured since I had to make a new account, I'd do my 3rd name change.

First I was Jennifer...then EmilyInNY...and now Jamie. Truth be told, and I mentioned it on the thread that is now in the Ether, that I had been leaning into Jamie, after some conversations with my Torrid sales friend, and those rare chances I get to be "me", I am Jamie.

Still me...46...transitioning at a snail's pace.

A couple years when I embraced this, I had started by dressing under things and "living dangerously", but when I traveled, I started finally wearing more than just the bras and panties and such. And, when I started entering the world more closely as myself, I found myself not dressing unless I could dress as much as I wanted.

Downside now is, I don't travel nearly often enough.

But...I do get to travel again in February, for a week. Even found myself a wig shop and a salon to visit, though the reality is I probably will not have any time to do it. Tho, I really really want to find time to at least get the cheap wig fixed (unless I actually get a new one, which isn't a terrible idea).

Anywho...glad to be back

Jamie,

Welcome back!

It is nice to be yourself in public in gender conforming clothing.
Being out as yourself for an extended time, say a week or so, was helpful for me.

Wigs can be nice, and occasionally I will wear a long hair wig.  But I prefer simply my own hair.

I am looking forward to you posting more.  Again, welcome back Jamie to Susan's.

Chrissy

[tgirlamg]

Welcome back sister!!!

Hugs!

Ashley 🙋�♀️💕🌻

[Northern Star Girl]

@JamieInNYC
Dear Jamie:
Per our Email exchange a couple days ago I am sorry that I was not able to find your
previous member account EmilyNY so that I could assist you in signing into your
old account...
....but now I am so glad to see that you could register with a new member account
and your new name.

Unfortunately as we had discussed, as a result of the New Year's Day site crash,
your old postings are gone into cyber space.... but look at it in a positive way, you
have been given a "do-over" button to have a fresh start with your new member name and
your new postings and profile that will allow you update your sharing of your  life
experiences since you were last active here on the Forum.

I am so very happy that all of your followers and I can get reacquainted with you.

You have probably noticed that navigating around the Forum is a little different than
it was before the site crash.  Our staff has been working overtime to get the site up
and running in a manner that will best serve our members... patience please ... our work
will continue for quite some time and you will see improvements and features come back a
piece at time.  If you have any questions regarding the Forum, please feel free
to contact me.

If you have not already done so, I would suggest that you go to the
                    Announcements
            https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,2.0.html

to read about what happened and what we are doing now with the Forum experience
for our members.

Again, WELCOME BACK ...
HUGS, Danielle northernstargirl@susans.org
The Forum Administrator

[JamieInNYC]

It's good to be back...and why not a new update? or a few, since before the crash, i was slacking...

I was trying my best to like, put a ton of hints out there with a friend. Heck, I don't even remember if I mentioned, this was the friend I've wanted to come out to for like a year. we had dinner before christmas, even me going to torrid with her didn't make her ask.
well, this girl had a ton of torrid cash, and my friend (cheryl) had some she offered to me. i was like sure, i already don't know what to get. zero fishing from her.

i sent a bathing suit idea...she was not biting. go figure.
i did get myself a sexy outfit, because i will be going to Phoenix next month and hope to maybe get out one night. basically snagged a body suit/bra set that all goes, and pair that with jeans and im good to go.

i got it for 2 reasons. 1, i loved it, and 2, i had to drop my car for service and it won't be pretty, so this girl had to spend to cope. im not even taking HRT yet and my therapist said im such a girl...

And, as i mentioned, I am going to be in PHX next month, so if anyone is out there and wants to hang...i cannot promise i will be in full Jamie mode, but i would be a friend regardless.

I am going for work, and ironically i am talking to a fellow attendee. she and i chatted a lot last year, and i've talked to her a bunch on twitter...just...as Jamie. so, she's excited to see me, but when i was like yea i loved talking to you last year...she has to just assume she forgot me or something. but, fun fact, its a small event, 400 people or so...so...i wonder if she tries to find me...

fun stuff indeed.

The other thing i've been dealing with, and talking to the therapist about, is lately more and more i've been thinking-even dreaming, or day dreaming/fantasizing about starting my HRT. honestly want to get a second opinion, just from a legit doctor, since no offense to PP, but...I don't think their bloodwork was as comprehensive as I should get, considering my age and history as well.

my major hangup honestly at this point remains the wife and kids. i don't want to flip worlds upside down given where things are at especially with the kids, but the longer it goes, the less choice i will have.

for the wife, i had hoped to trigger something with the holidays. we planned a cruise just for us in june, and before christmas i got her some sexy undies from...where else...torrid. reason i did, she remarked about hating some of what she wears from Lane Bryant...and i just never have anything fit me right from there. like, could go 2 sizes up, and still not happy. so, i was like, i LIKE these, they are sexy and not overly sexy, so...why not. some are my personal faves in my own stash, and i may have added a pair or two for me and hoped she would kinda put two and two together. except, 2 months later, she still hasn't even tried them out. she said oh, save for the cruise...im like...not the point but ok.

so at this point i am kind of eying that June vacation as MAYBE a big thing. or knowing me, nothing will be said or done and itll be business as usual.

[JamieInNYC]

Actually completely spaced on another conversation...

so I have two female friends, each of whom I have thought of being the first to come out to.
Cheryl is relatively local and has known me longer, so the appeal of her is...i have (in theory) more chances to see her, and if i do see her more, and come out, perhaps she's down for girls nights, which in theory could happy more regularly because its a drive.

T, my other female friend, i basically see only once a year because of work. i went to the event last year and really thought she'd be the first to know outside of my digital footprint...but...it didn't happen. its a busy week for her and for me, and we never had 5 minutes to talk one on one. plus god forbid it went bad...well...it could have gone really weird.

but, the event i see T at is coming up in a month, and she and I were texting yesterday because we have stuff to coordinate. and we made comments about needing a vent session, i said i had bottled so much stuff up it could scar someone, but thats why i have a therapist. her response: dude, im a woman (i assume meaning like, shes used to bottling feelings up). I so badly just wanted to be like...ditto. or the emoji with the zipper mouth or something. i didn't, but i thought about it.

[Northern Star Girl]

@JamieInNYC
Dear Jamie:
I am eagerly awaiting your next update
and I am hoping that you are doing OK.

Again, I am so glad that you were able to
get back onto Susan's Place and the Forum.

HUGS,
Danielle

[JamieInNYC]

I am as ok as I can be. Am feeling old and out of shape lately, and the reality is, the last few years I let myself go. I had lost a lot of weight and made it like, a year into the pandemic before I fell off the wagon. Now I just can't get back in/on it, but admittedly have other concerns.

Ironic, because I was at a weight where no surgeon would have had an issue touching me, and now, I am definitely where, for SRS, I would be told "come back when you lose weight".

So, yes, I need to fix that.

Right now, however, my focus is on prep for some classes I am teaching at a conference in a few weeks. OK, it should be, but procrastination is a cruel thing.

so i need to prep for 2 classes, figure out what Jamie is packing/wearing/doing, all while wrestling with life. It's a blast...but I am still OK.

fun twists about the conference, btw, is that i have talked to people (as jamie on social media) who don't know male me and jamie are one in the same. waiting for one of them to DM me when there going "hey where you at?"

yep...too many irons in the fire. but i will survive.

[JamieInNYC]

So...some new news/fun.

My friend Cheryl, as I think I mentioned, is either oblivious or just doesn't care and takes what I say and is like, whatever. but now, she mentioned how she had a shoe issue at work and im like, its the universe telling us to go shoe shopping.

am i fishing? absolutely. and well, she did not say no. i said just gotta make sure wherever we go has wide widths, and for the love of god, no heels. now, i didn't have to add no heels, because my second pair of shoes was a pair of heels, and i do OK in them. actually think i got my second pair of heels before i got a second pair of flats. go figure.

on the flip side, the mrs is being...weirder than normal. very down on herself, nothing specifically to do with me/transitioning, because honestly, if she thinks about it, she never talks about it. told her if she felt that bad about anything, maybe she should have someone (a therapist) to talk to. i said that before, ive talked to my own about it, and she was proud i even said it...but the spouse is a stubborn person who largely thinks talking to therapists is pointless. now, I don't get that...i've had a therapist off and on since i was a kid for a variety of things and reasons and theres less of a stigma now than ever...but i digress.

but from there after all her woe is me BS, she's like, im telling you to move on, you should move on, if you want to move on say so. and honestly, she does this, its a twisted dance with her i swear. if i had a dollar for every time she did it, well, i wouldn't be in debt.

i am pretty sure i know what i will be talking to the shrink about this week...

and on the wig front, the shop got back to me, i have a bad feeling my schedule won't jive. i could get to see them on friday afternoon, but i think it's basically when i land...which would suck. and honestly, even if i wasn't going to don the wig and makeup, i feel an obligation to go there a bit more feminine. like, at least wear the clothes. am i crazy?

speaking of crazy...as people got more into their transition, wondering if this ever happened to them...

here's the scenario, and i would say it's been more frequent/intense in the past 2 months or so.
i have NOT started HRT yet (yes i have the pills, no i am not a chicken, i just...whatever). so anyways...usually at night when i can't sleep, i begin to daydream, or just whatever, about stepping things up. going more fem (shaving off all the bad hair, though growing any i need is unlikely). taking my HRT. going out. and yes, sometimes it gets so intense i can't help but be stimulated, but more often then not its what i pass out thinking of. i have yet to get a reasoned answer from the shrink as to what it means, if anything, but like, a year ago, i would think about stuff for a little but not like this.
but on the flip side, i will wake up and its like a reset. not that i don't want to transition or that i hate myself, just that the urge or the feeling is not overwhelming. it's there, but i guess other things keep me focused.

yep, i rambled a lot tonight...

[JamieInNYC]

Here's my latest...

I am super swamped/stressed/victim of procrastination. I am teaching two classes at an upcoming tech conference (anyone in Phoenix? let me know!).
one class i have taught before...there are some late changes in the course materials which I can't do much about, but mostly it is lecture and i can do that.

the other, its all new, something i suggested but only knew was running like 6 weeks ago. since finding out, there was the holidays and just a lot going on, and i needed the gear to actually run things (was not buying without knowing) and, you know...TIME. well, with 2 weeks to go...gotta get my rear in gear, which is what i was doing alot of today.

but not before i indulged that retail therapy itch.

i had an order sent to torrid and while i was waiting for it to arrive, i ordered stuff from the store to also pick up. went yesterday to get it, got it, spent MORE because the website said stuff i wanted was not there, but it was. best part, my friend jerilyn was there, and i forgot i had not seen her since like thanksgiving. she, however, remembered and had been looking for me, so we chatted. and if anyone remembers that bit from my pre-crash blog...i had hoped i could text her, because she does seem like a strong ally. well, before when i asked, she didnt quite get it. this time, when she said she was worried, i said by all means, you have my cell already, just text. shes like i thought about it but i didnt want to be weird.
im like hunny...you have seen me in more male mode versions but in all sorts of womens clothes...we are fine.

so...maybe she finally will.

also nearly outted myself (intentionally) to cheryl when i told her i was doing retail therapy at my favorite store, and when she couldnt get it, i gave her 3 choices. she gave up. no fun!

in the meantime, the stuff is in my car because i thought i was going to have an empty house this morning to enjoy...turns out, i was wrong, but i will on friday morning. using my storage unit to try stuff on works, but doing it in the house or a hotel room is just so much more civilized lol.

busy week, but a good one. i think. so far.

[JamieInNYC]

I guess I am taking the plunge/being more motivated.

Jerilyn at torrid asked me if I was doing the nails and stuff...and I wasn't/hadn't. And then last night, just kinda randomly decided maybe I could.

Since I will be away for a bit, and even if I can't go out as Jamie (because i will have ~400 people who know me in close proximity) I will have hotel room time, so I get to dress, experiment, see what works etc etc.

And even though I can only keep them on for a little bit (maybe I have a date come over, who knows?) I just ordered a bunch of different press on nails, and threw in some fake lashes for fun. Plus, I re-checked my arrival day times, and I do think, barring some major travel issues, that I will have time to go visit the wig shop and get myself something a bit more proper and, above all, cut to my face. Will be a splurge, but after that, my main hang ups are going to be hair removal and makeup, and perhaps sometime soon, I can partake in a girls night where I am dressed the part.

the plan sounds good in my head...

[REM.1126]

I am a little worried about your wife.  How is she doing?  Still depressed?

When she tells you to go if you want to go; it sounds to me like she is concerned about losing you.

Also, she doesn't want to wear the "sexy" clothes you bought her.  Maybe she feels that she is unattractive to you?  Or, alternatively, maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to you?

I hope all is well.

[JamieInNYC]

wouldn't say she's depressed. busy, with a billion things going on, and this is just another thing (and, right or wrong, she sees it as not needed). honestly, doubt she's thinking much of it now, it's nearly 2 years since and it's been discussed almost zero in the last year or so.

she has self worth issues, i've told her, she has acknowledged. but i've been upping my game a bit, and its been ok. she didn't wear what i got recently because she's saving it for our cruise, so it is what it is there. not worried about it.

life has just gotten very busy, work/life and all that. so to an extent, Jamie has taken a back seat to more important things, like keeping the job going. this was something i talked with my therapist about. was just overwhelmed with lots of things going on at once, stress with work and all that fun, and i just toned down some things as needed.

nothing put away for good, just...picking my spots and being smart, because i need a job to support everything else.  was so busy during my week away (and flight delays too) that i never got to get to my wig place...but as busy as things were, i just could not sweat it. just wasn't meant to be...yet.

[JamieInNYC]

well...i certainly have neglected things, haven't i?

Let's see...because there is a lot to put out there.
For a litany of reasons, I kind of put my therapist in time out. Not good, not bad, just wanted a break. Honestly, for a couple weeks, she neglected to ping me, so I just let it go.
Now, I wasn't not talking to anyone. I think I've mentioned my friend/former college crush Cheryl a time or two here and at the old site (RIP). She was one of two whom I was most likely to come out to. or at least, one of two i had in mind.

so, we've always been off and on talking, and about 5-6 weeks ago, we really got talking more. talked to her on the phone on the way home from work one day, and we just can talk. about anything and everything, but nothing in particular. she kinda finally said how she saw me (feelings and whatnot, not quite the one that got away, but it was stuff we both felt but never actually put in words, which is crazy considering we have like 30 years of history). so, while my paid therapist was AWOL, Cheryl filled in nicely (shes not a mental health professional now, but she has a psych degree).

In the meantime i did a bunch of travel, and one big trip took me to las vegas. but because i tried to pack light, i left a lot of Jamie clothes home. like, took a couple nightgowns and underthings, but figured odds were low of anything else. just not a lot of free time.

well, one morning, because sleep was rare and my schedule was out of whack, i was texting cherly. it was like 5am LV time, and i was regretting my packing decision. i told her i wish i had packed different, she made a comment like it cant be that bad. i said well i wish i had my skinny jeans. she told me they were so out, i said well then what should i buy. and in a blur, i came out.she said leggings, i said i had some, but maybe i need more...and thus began my fessing up that the torrid hints were for me and all that.

her reaction was mostly...duh. like it wasn't quite she knew but she was pretty sure but was waiting for me to spill. didn't know how much i was going to spill.

i even handled the fact that i did tell her how i felt about her, and i stressed that how I feel about me doesn't change how i feel about her (tho she was firm, she prefers the male form). but...she's as big an ally, if not bigger, than i could have hoped for. did i want to do it in person? absolutely. am i glad it happened? 1000%. and she still owes me a hug, so...winning!

[LoriDee]

Thanks for the update, Jamie.

It is always good to have allies in your corner, whether friends or family. Winning! 

[allylioness]

Welcome back to Susan's Place, Jamie!!

Have you tried online shopping for wigs or other feminine items?
There are some great websites online in which you can find nice wigs!
Even Amazon or Temu lol! It's worth to give it a try!

Hugs,
Ally

[JamieInNYC]

I've gotten wigs from Amazon. eventually/ultimately I will have to get to someplace to get mine styled, and/or upgrade things a bit. odds are the hair won't ever be where i'd like it to be naturally, so wigs work.

everything else is amazon/torrid for me.

[JamieInNYC]

fun one from the other day. cheryl (the bestie whom i came out to) texts me i think friday. shes like, random, but i have this bag of makeup mostly new, don't need or want, free to a good home. like...heck yes! made me smile.

[LoriDee]

That's how I found my favorite color nail polish!
I tried various colors and nothing excited me. My Bestie gave me two bottles of polish. She rarely wears it, but she knew I like pink and metallic. She gave me a bottle of pink chrome and clear hardener with glitter called Cocktail. She thought they were to be worn separately. But I put the hardener over the pink and WOWZA! I love it. I've received so many compliments on my nails, that I contacted LA Color and bought three bottles of each as my backup. 

[ChrissyRyan]

It is nice to have the basic makeup needed.

If anyone is fearful to buy makeup for the first time, you can explore for a long time at large grocery stores as many have a cosmetics aisle.  But do not expect any help to learn anything for what is best for you, for that go to a cosmetic store.

Chrissy