A Quaint Treatise of Brooke Renée

[imallie]

Hey Brooke -

SO sorry you're hitting those rock-hard GD walls. God, those are the worst!

I have no idea if this will be helpful or not, but reading your post I found so many parallels to my situation, and in fact you're far more advanced on many levels. And yet GD is becoming a hazy, awful memory for me.

And it struck me in a way that calls back to my therapy session last week, and something my therapist said. Like I said, don't know if it will helpful... but...

Anyway, what I brought up was that I felt like I'd built myself a little "trans bubble".  Since the big step of telling my wife almost two years ago...we've slowly started changing my wardrobe, I've being doing electrolysis, started hormones, etc... but it's just been us (until tonight!). No more risk, nothing. And it feels EASY. So I asked her if that meant I was somehow ok being here? And not transitioning further? Because I didn't think that was possible. But then why did I feel so ... "comfortable."

She said (and this is the part that made me think of you), that reason I am GD-free, the reason I'm able to be comfortable at my own slow pace is that I know am a free to move on. My outlook on the future is HOPEFUL.

Your wardrobe is miles beyond mine. Your makeup skills are incredible. You've been fully Brooke... I mean,  you're steps and steps beyond me. But right now, you don't have HOPE. So THAT is what is limiting you.

You have an amazing, supportive wife. You've got an arrangement that works for you...except the one thing you need is some kind of hope, that maybe in the future, something could change. Either you have to give that to yourself with your therapist, or with your wife... I don't know.

But like I said, it seems like maybe somehow finding something you can be hopeful about will allow you to appreciate where you are and what you have, instead of seeing that wall in front of you.

Again, apologies if this doesn't resonate at all. Your post felt like it was part of that exact topic I was discussing with my therapist... so that's why I thought you might find it useful.

Love,
Allie

[Sarah B]

Hi Brooke and Rachael

If there was cure for being gender dysphoric, the wisdom and knowledge of others in your situations, would have posted a solution for everyone to read and see a long time ago.

The degree on how far you take your individual transitions and circumstances is up to you and only you.

Something I know, personally and deeply, I have always helped others, if I was able to, that's me.  If you have read 'Sarah's Story', my wanting and longing to be a female was growing stronger and stronger.

If I stayed where I was, I do not know what would have happened to me, more than likely not good.  So I sacrificed everything, to take care of myself, selfish? yes.  However, I survived and thrived and for the last 36 odd years, I have been able to help others in more ways than one.

So what I'm trying to say is this, you have to look after number one and that is you.  If you are not around and you are not well.  Then you will not be able to help anyone else.

Please look after yourselves and if your 'dysphoria' gets worse please seek help.

Love and Hugs to both of you
Sarah B
@REM.1126
@Brooke Renee

[Iztaccihuatl]

Hey Brooke -

SO sorry you're hitting those rock-hard GD walls. God, those are the worst!

I have no idea if this will be helpful or not, but reading your post I found so many parallels to my situation, and in fact you're far more advanced on many levels. And yet GD is becoming a hazy, awful memory for me.

And it struck me in a way that calls back to my therapy session last week, and something my therapist said. Like I said, don't know if it will helpful... but...

Anyway, what I brought up was that I felt like I'd built myself a little "trans bubble".  Since the big step of telling my wife almost two years ago...we've slowly started changing my wardrobe, I've being doing electrolysis, started hormones, etc... but it's just been us (until tonight!). No more risk, nothing. And it feels EASY. So I asked her if that meant I was somehow ok being here? And not transitioning further? Because I didn't think that was possible. But then why did I feel so ... "comfortable."

She said (and this is the part that made me think of you), that reason I am GD-free, the reason I'm able to be comfortable at my own slow pace is that I know am a free to move on. My outlook on the future is HOPEFUL.

Your wardrobe is miles beyond mine. Your makeup skills are incredible. You've been fully Brooke... I mean,  you're steps and steps beyond me. But right now, you don't have HOPE. So THAT is what is limiting you.

You have an amazing, supportive wife. You've got an arrangement that works for you...except the one thing you need is some kind of hope, that maybe in the future, something could change. Either you have to give that to yourself with your therapist, or with your wife... I don't know.

But like I said, it seems like maybe somehow finding something you can be hopeful about will allow you to appreciate where you are and what you have, instead of seeing that wall in front of you.

Again, apologies if this doesn't resonate at all. Your post felt like it was part of that exact topic I was discussing with my therapist... so that's why I thought you might find it useful.

Love,
Allie

I think you are dead-on, Allie. I am in a similar situation as Brooke (my wife also cannot envision living with a woman) and the lack of a perspective for change, the feeling being stuck here forever is really killing me at times. There is a huge difference between being on a journey, albeit a slow one, and treading water in the same spot.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

[Gina P]

The whole wife thing can become so complicated. I find my wife and I are getting along much better now that sex and intimacy have diminished. We still live as a married couple but its more hugs and a quick kiss on the check or forehead. Still share the same bed but no sex. Occasionally we still cuddle but we have become more good friends than lovers. It is defiantly evolving and where it goes is anybody's guess.
If Gina is not allowed to play she gets mad and the GD demon roars! I am out all the time but much of the time its in work clothes doing 'man' stuff. I find even a trip to the store allows me a chance to get dressed up and go out. Defiantly keeps my GD at bay, well most of the time it works.
Hugs Gina

[REM.1126]

Hi Brooke and Rachael

If there was cure for being gender dysphoric, the wisdom and knowledge of others in your situations, would have posted a solution for everyone to read and see a long time ago.

....

So what I'm trying to say is this, you have to look after number one and that is you.  If you are not around and you are not well.  Then you will not be able to help anyone else.

Please look after yourselves and if your 'dysphoria' gets worse please seek help.

Love and Hugs to both of you
Sarah B
@REM.1126
@Brooke Renee

My GD does get worse, and better.  It waxes and wanes, or rises and falls.  If it rises and won't stop rising, I'll be forced to take action.  But, so far I have been able to ride out the rough times(a couple of times just barely, but I have decided suicide is not an option). 

If I have to transition to have a decent life, I will.  If I don't HAVE to, I won't.

I am far from perfect.  I have many flaws, but being selfish isn't something I tend towards.  Pride?  Maybe.  I pride myself on being able to tolerate difficulties that others might bail on.  And, maybe at some times it results in my getting in over my head a bit.  But, not too much yet, because I am still here. 

I have come up with a LOT of coping strategies.  I think most of them
Are familiar to many of us.  I am not saying I cracked any new code.  And, they don't always work. 

They basically boil down to "distractions".  There is staying so busy with work that I don't have time to think about myself. That works until I exhaust myself.  There are learning new skills.  At this point, I am sort of a Jill of all trades.  There are hobbies: guitar, hunting (deer, quail, duck, dove, turkey, including: archery, marksmanship, shooting clays), fishing, SCUBA and flying.

There is dressing en femme.  That generally works, particularly if I can see "myself" in the mirror.  Doing that has made me cry a few times, because "there... I see myself" but I know I can't allow it to last; but I know I could if I would.

And, that leads me to the most effective strategy yet:  feeling some control over my life by reminding myself that this is a choice, and I have the option to transition if I decide to do so.  I am not trapped.  I choose to stay here. 

If my health were to close off transition as an option, I think that would upset me a great deal.

[REM.1126]

... the feeling being stuck here forever is really killing me at times. There is a huge difference between being on a journey, albeit a slow one, and treading water in the same spot.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

I get that.  A lack of control over your life is extremely difficult to accept.  Of course, control is often an illusion.  But, we certainly have some control over the course of our lives.

[Gina P]

If my health were to close off transition as an option, I think that would upset me a great deal.

The choice for many of us is/was continue being miserable fighting GD or live as our true self. I was a work-a-holic my whole life not wanting to have any free time. It kept me from dwelling on the GD. BUT it was always there and never went away. It just got worse. Only after transitioning have I found happiness and joy.
Every ones journey is different and I know you will find your path, Brooke. Have no fear, Brooke is here.
Hugs Gina

[Brooke Renee]

Good Morning Ladies,

Thank you all for the thoughtful and supportive replies. 

Allie, your comments do resonate with me.  Having something to look forward to, something on the horizon that I know I am moving towards is and very powerful carrot. I feel like there is something out there, it's just that I do not yet know what it is.  So perhaps that is the bright spot I need to hold on to- knowing that something great is coming. 

Sarah B and Rachel,  I think so many of us have spent our lives in service of others.  We seem to be givers by nature.  A thought that entered my mind the other day was that maybe we give and give and give with the subconscious motivation to add karma capitol to the bank account in the event we are discovered.  That perhaps, all the people in our lives will not run fleeing because we have made ourselves indispensable.  Roll in the fear that more time as ourselves equal more opportunity for conflict and now you have an unsustainable situation.  I think it is all about balance, and I know my balance has been way off.  I love my family but I am not Wonder Woman, I cannot be everywhere at once.  If I am going to be the best for them, I need time to be the best for me. 

Thank you Gina and Heidemarie for your words of support here and in our text group.  Immersing myself in distractions has been a life long coping mechanism but that is no longer sustainable either.  However, there sure is a lot of mental muscle memory to change.  Brooke is real, she exists, she feels pain and happiness, she needs her time to be her.  I know that now, I just need to let it happen. 


Hugs Ladies,

Brooke

[REM.1126]

The choice for many of us is/was continue being miserable fighting GD or live as our true self. I was a work-a-holic my whole life not wanting to have any free time. It kept me from dwelling on the GD. BUT it was always there and never went away....

Yes, it has never gone away. It is always there.  But, distractions can help me dwell on it less.  And, that makes it easier to cope with. 

Back in 1997-98, I was utterly miserable every day. GD was consuming me. A rational person would have resolved to transition then (if not well before then).  But, I didn't allow transition as a choice.  I considered my alternatives more of the same or death. 

I tried to kill myself and failed.  After that I was too depressed to even try to kill myself.  And, I decided that if I killed myself things would never get better, but the hurting would stop.  The only chance at anything becoming better was to keep going.  And, I decided that if I couldn't take another moment, I would kill myself.  But, as long as I could stand another moment, I would keep moving.

I now think that you can probably always stand another moment.  Suicide is off the table.  Now, it is keep going as is or transition.  The major difference is, unlike suicide if I transition things might actually get better.  It is a much better choice.  I can't imagine why I didn't see that back then.