My Epiphany

[Sarah B]

I loved my life, I was happy, content and spent time with family and friends.  This was around 1988.  However, as you can gather, my well kept secret (well that's debatable) was growing stronger and stronger in my mind, that I wanted or longed to be a female and in addition, I was doing more female things.  So, this was my Conundrum #1.

One of my closest friends from swimming who I spent a lot of time with, in swimming training, shooting, watched a couple of movies together, camping before a swimming meet and we spent time in each other's house. 

He eventually, got a girlfriend, a fellow swimmer who also spent time with us.  Deep inside of me I was not happy and I wondered why?  Well, eventually the proverbial penny dropped.  I realized that I loved a man (no I was not gay) and I could not do anything about, it tore my heart to pieces. So, this was my Conundrum #2.

I was speaking with my uncle and as far as I can remember it revolved around me wanting to be female (long story short) and he said to me, "you need to go and live as a female" or "you should try and live as a female". So, this was my Conundrum #3.

I was pretty well known in the wider community because of swimming and every so often I was in the newspaper and to top it off my mum was also known in the wider community and newspaper articles were written about her too.  So, this was my Conundrum #4.

Given that I'm very private, quiet and shy person, I most certainly did not want anybody to know about my most personal, private and thoughts about my condition.  So, this was my Conundrum #5.

I read in a playboy or penthouse magazine an article that was several pages long and at the start of the article there was an outline of a man and several images later 'all outlines' the man changed into a female.  This was a major source of my knowledge in regards to my issue.  So this was my Information #1.

With those five conundrums and one piece of information and when they are all put together, the moment of revelation, the penny dropped or as I want to say now, My Epiphany and what was that?  I wanted to live the rest of my life as a female and that meant going away, so that I could achieve, which I knew in my heart would give me the peace that I needed and wanted.

So, I left because, I did not want to hurt the people around me, I did not want them to know what I was doing and most importantly, I left because, I did not want the repercussions of what I was doing to affect my friends and family.  I was prepared to sacrifice all ties from friends and family at the cost of not ever seeing them ever again, even though it would hurt them no end, not knowing that I had gone from their lives.

The most important reason why I left everyone, was, I needed to take of care of myself, so that I could take care of others and the only way I could do that was to live my life as a female.  So absolutely nothing was ever going to hold me back in achieving what I desired the most.

Best wishes to one and all and I hope your dreams come true.
Sarah B

[Courtney G]

Thank you for sharing your story. Did you go away and stay away from your loved ones? I've considered this quite a bit, lately. But others have suggested I tough it out and that I'll be surprised at the level of acceptance I receive. Honestly, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to go through it.

[Susan]

Thank you for sharing such a significant part of your journey. Your story highlights the introspection and complexity involved in embracing one's true self, and it resonates with many of us.

Your experiences, from understanding your feelings for a friend to balancing your public image with your personal privacy, clearly led you to profound realizations. The suggestion from your uncle to live as a woman must have been a pivotal moment, opening new avenues for self-discovery.

Choosing to start anew for the peace and authenticity you needed speaks to your inner strength. The sacrifices you made, particularly in distancing yourself from friends and family, are notable. They emphasize the importance of prioritizing your own well-being and identity.

Your journey is a reminder that difficult decisions often lead us closer to our desired paths. Prioritizing your true self was a brave step, one that required self-care and courage.

As you reflect on your past and look forward, remember that your story offers insight and encouragement to others. Your hope for everyone to realize their dreams is a shared sentiment in our community.

We appreciate your openness and honesty. Wishing you ongoing happiness and fulfillment as you continue your journey. Your story is a valuable contribution to our collective understanding and support.

[Sarah B]

Thank you for sharing your story. Did you go away and stay away from your loved ones? I've considered this quite a bit, lately. But others have suggested I tough it out and that I'll be surprised at the level of acceptance I receive. Honestly, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to go through it.

You are more than welcome. The path I traveled is far removed from others here and I sometimes I wonder why?  So I need to tell my stories, so they can consider traveling down a similar path.

Long story short, yes I eventually reunited with all of my family and they accept and love me unconditionally.  I never came out to my family per se, it was my uncle who told my mum and Chinese whispers ensued.

Since I was far removed from my family 4,000km away, it was not until a couple of years after I had surgery, that I caught up with my mum and family.  I had a very supportive mum, and my mum would write to me and the card, birthday card, Christmas card or letter would often start of with "My dearest daughter" or "My darling daughter", why? My mum loved me and her children.

I first caught up with my mum in 1993, which was two years after I had my surgery or nearly five years since I last saw her.  I was doing contract work for a government department in Bundaberg, drawing bridges and designing roads.  I was staying at a local hotel and my mum was on her way to see her sister in Brisbane.

When I meet her at the bus terminal (coach), she put her arms around me and said, "I missed you so much".  However, I believe, I put my mums perception of what her one and only daughter looked like to rest. A picture of Mum and Me

Catching up with the rest of family, was as you would say "a non event", the family accepted and love me unconditionally.  There are other stories evolving my family, but they can wait for another day, when I can put keyboard to screen, I know a terrible joke!

Best wishes to one and all
Sarah B

[TXSara]

Sarah, this makes me cry.

I feel that you were on the horns of a dilemma that I would not have been able to handle mentally.  I love my friends and family, and I can't imagine a life without them.  Given my happiness in my new life, I can't imagine making any other choice.  It's horrible what you and others who transitioned 20-30 years ago must have dealt with because I'm not sure I would have been able to do it.

You are one tough cookie.

~Sara

[D'Amalie]

Sarah B,

Heart breaking. Heart breaking. I was surely feeling that on the whole, Australia is more accepting of individualism that the States?  Your Epiphany separated you and your family yet you seem to be handling it.  Surely there was much angst interwoven with your conundrums and misinformation.  Maybe I'm missing something.

Unfortunately I only found it possible to show the world more of my hidden self as my parents aged and passed away.  A mixed blessing of course.  Situationally it probably meant less conflict, but at the cost of possibly many years of enriched relations had I transitioned earlier.  While my path is perhaps  soft approach than yours, it only goes to show how we are all masters of our destinies only to certain degrees.

Good luck and comfort, I wish you.

[Sarah B]

Thank you for sharing your story. Did you go away and stay away from your loved ones? I've considered this quite a bit, lately. But others have suggested I tough it out and that I'll be surprised at the level of acceptance I receive. Honestly, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to go through it.

I don't think I made it clear but, yes I went away in 1989 and arrived in Sydney, where the resources that I needed were located.  Many years later, I returned to my family.  Not the town where I left and was well known.

Only you can decide which path you take, you can tell everyone, some will accept and some may not, or you can leave and come back later and some will accept and some may not.  You just don't know which way the wind blows, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

You need to look after number one and that is yourself, before you can look after, care or love others.  In my case it worked out in my favor.

Whatever you decide I'm with you in spirit.

Love and hugs
Sarah B

[Jenn104]

I don't think I made it clear but, yes I went away in 1989 and arrived in Sydney, where the resources that I needed were located.  Many years later, I returned to my family.  Not the town where I left and was well known.

Only you can decide which path you take, you can tell everyone, some will accept and some may not, or you can leave and come back later and some will accept and some many not.  You just don't know which way the wind blows, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

You need to look after number one and that is yourself, before you can look after, care or love others.  In my case it worked out in my favor.

Whatever you decide I'm with you in spirit.

Love and hugs
Sarah B

Thank you. Really thank you.

Your actions and sacrifice back then have made my own transition now easier. Not just easier, possible.

I can't say that enough. thank you.

~Jenn

[Sarah B]

Hi Susan

Thank you for such a wonderful response, you certainly hit the nail on its head in regards to my post.

Thank you for sharing such a significant part of your journey. Your story highlights the introspection and complexity involved in embracing one's true self, and it resonates with many of us.

You are more than welcome and it gave me time and pleasure to reflect on what I had done in the past and it was with the intent to help someone, but it was best if I used what I had in mind to help others in deciding what road they will travel.

Your experiences, from understanding your feelings for a friend to balancing your public image with your personal privacy, clearly led you to profound realizations. The suggestion from your uncle to live as a woman must have been a pivotal moment, opening new avenues for self-discovery.

You are right in saying my uncle was the most pivotal point along side my desire to live as female.  My feelings and concerns for others were important but not as much, these secondary feeling took care of themselves in the long run.  However, all my concerns were taken care of when I left everyone.

Choosing to start anew for the peace and authenticity you needed speaks to your inner strength. The sacrifices you made, particularly in distancing yourself from friends and family, are notable. They emphasize the importance of prioritizing your own well-being and identity.

It was a new start beyond belief, from going to university, continuing with my swimming and finally being able to love, cherish and care for others.  I guess I did make sacrifices in my life, I never thought of it in that way.

Your journey is a reminder that difficult decisions often lead us closer to our desired paths. Prioritizing your true self was a brave step, one that required self-care and courage.

As you reflect on your past and look forward, remember that your story offers insight and encouragement to others. Your hope for everyone to realize their dreams is a shared sentiment in our community.

We appreciate your openness and honesty. Wishing you ongoing happiness and fulfillment as you continue your journey. Your story is a valuable contribution to our collective understanding and support.

Again thank you for your kind words and yes, I wrote my story, with my background in mind and it was with the intent to help others, who have trouble in deciding what they are going to do with the rest of their lives.

Best wishes and Hugs
Sarah B

[Sarah B]

Thank you. Really thank you.

Your actions and sacrifice back then have made my own transition now easier. Not just easier, possible.

I can't say that enough. thank you.

~Jenn

Thank you, it was my pleasure in telling my story and I'm happy that my story has helped you.  That was the intent of my story and that was to provide help.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

[Sarah B]

Sarah B,

Heart breaking. Heart breaking. I was surely feeling that on the whole, Australia is more accepting of individualism that the States?  Your Epiphany separated you and your family yet you seem to be handling it.  Surely there was much angst interwoven with your conundrums and misinformation.  Maybe I'm missing something.

It's all right, my story is not a bad one.  It really is a happy story.  I was never sad when I left my family and friends.  Yes, I cried before I left and my aunt wife of my uncle, who knew came to see off.  After she left, I did cry my heart out, because I was leaving my family and friends, I cried because I knew what I was going to do resonated so deeply within me and I cried I suppose because I was a female!

Yes Australia seems to be lot more accepting on us than the states and I'm aware of whats going on over there.

Unfortunately I only found it possible to show the world more of my hidden self as my parents aged and passed away.  A mixed blessing of course.  Situationally it probably meant less conflict, but at the cost of possibly many years of enriched relations had I transitioned earlier.  While my path is perhaps  soft approach than yours, it only goes to show how we are all masters of our destinies only to certain degrees.

Good luck and comfort, I wish you.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, nobody deserves to lose loved ones.  I know, my mother who accepted with all her love passed away 18 months ago and the ramifications to me are still being felt.

Even till this day I cannot fathom how quick I achieved what I wanted.  It was like a bullet train in motion.  It was not a hard journey by any means, no dysphoria, before or even after.  I was happy, but not that it would take two years!

Yes, we are the masters of our own destinies.  I still have more to do and I know I will be happy.  I hope all your dreams and wishes come true.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

[Sarah B]

Hi Sara

Sarah, this makes me cry.

Please don't cry, I was always happy, I never suffered, truly I did not.  Yes, I ached for the lost love. I could have, but it never was meant to be.

I feel that you were on the horns of a dilemma that I would not have been able to handle mentally.  I love my friends and family, and I can't imagine a life without them.

There was only really two main considerations and that was my constant longing to be a female and of course my uncles suggestion that I go and live as a female.  Circumstances at the time allowed me to take a year of work, so I had money to do what I wanted to do.

However, when I left, I had no intention of returning, in fact, even I did not know that, I was ever going to go back to my previous life.  Well as a female of course I would go back!!

Given my happiness in my new life, I can't imagine making any other choice.  It's horrible what you and others who transitioned 20-30 years ago must have dealt with because I'm not sure I would have been able to do it.

You have made the choice, that makes you happy and I will enjoy the ride with you.  Please do not despair, I truly, really truly never ever suffered because of my condition, no dysphoria before or after and I had no trouble while I waited out my two years before I could finally have my surgery and its been 33 years since that day and again I have never suffered.

You are one tough cookie.

~Sara

I guess so and I do love, the cookie monster.

Sweet dreams for your up and coming surgery.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

[Karen_A]

It's horrible what you and others who transitioned 20-30 years ago must have dealt with because I'm not sure I would have been able to do it.

That depended very much on where you lived back then.

I transitioned in place in 1997 (over 26 years ago) and had SRS in 1998, and despite not passing all the time, I had very few issues and lost next to nothing... as a matter of fact I'm still living in the same house.

Sometimes I'm not sure that all was for the best.

- Karen

[Sarah B]

Hi everyone

Thank you for reading 'My Epiphany' it is appreciated that you took the time to do so.  Thinking and rereading my post I should have included what I did after my epiphany.  I will just write briefly what I did and I will expand upon it in another post or in Sarah's Blog

The following is a brief summary of what I did after having my epiphany.  The total time taken to achieve this was two years.  The steps taken were according to the SOC at the time for me.

• Arrived in Sydney Feb 1989.
• Immediately I changed my name legally.
• I then changed my names on my legal documents as soon as possible.
• Within the first month I was on hormones.
• Within the first month I saw my first psychologist.
• Within the first 3 months I was working full time.
• In 1990 I saw my second psychologist and my first surgery letter.
• My second surgery letter came from my endocrinologist.
• My third surgery letter came from my first psychologist.
• Finally, in Feb 1991 I had my surgery, so that I could function as a female.

The whole journey, only took me two years and I have never ever regretted my decision.

Best wishes and hugs to everyone
Sarah B