Daily struggles

[Stéphanie.FR]

I guess it's something lot of you experienced or are experiencing, but I feel like facing a wall, with the fear to crash on it. I have those urges to be a woman coming by waves and being so strong I feel my body tense up in frustration, and making me decided to follow the path to being the girl I so often wished to be born, and the same day, I can think I can still live as a man, having lot of reasons to think transitioning is not an option for me, until having that urge to be female gripping me again, leaving me with the feeling I'm glued to the ground. I'm getting older, I have regrets to not have lived as a woman my adult life, but am constantly postponing decisions. Taking one step ahead, then one back, going nowhere... Just suffering.

Stéphanie, x x

[tgirlamg]

I guess it's something lot of you experienced or are experiencing, but I feel like facing a wall, with the fear to crash on it. I have those urges to be a woman coming by waves and being so strong I feel my body tense up in frustration, and making me decided to follow the path to being the girl I so often wished to be born, and the same day, I can think I can still live as a man, having lot of reasons to think transitioning is not an option for me, until having that urge to be female gripping me again, leaving me with the feeling I'm glued to the ground. I'm getting older, I have regrets to not have lived as a woman my adult life, but am constantly postponing decisions. Taking one step ahead, then one back, going nowhere... Just suffering.

Stéphanie, x x

Stephanie!

I know that many here can relate directly to the feelings you are having... These feelings usually come and go throughout our life... we hide from them... we push them away... but, still they return, often with more and more intensity as we get older and think we may never live our life in the manner we wish... never be seen by others in a way that lets them see the truth within us...🌻

Making the decision to move forward... To walk out our door each day and "be ourself" ... To show those we know, the world and ourself who we are... finally after a lifetime of hiding is, of course, a very scary thing but, speaking as one who was once scared, I can tell you that all fears and all challenges can be overcome if we choose it to be so... I think that most of us who have made new lives simply came to the tipping point where the fears of what could happen... are no longer as scary as the thought of hiding anymore and the fears of living with the regret of never trying... I think at the end of the day... transition is a spiritual quest.. if we have never shown anyone who we truly are... we can never be loved... transition is a way to place ourself at a place in our own life where we can finally give and receive love... by making ourself known to others 🌻

I don't know what your resources are like in France but, I hope therapists and support groups are available to you... I hope you continue to expand your presence here... and I hope that you see in the stories of many of us here, that the new lives we build can be more rewarding than we had ever dreamed... explore your options... decide and map out your direction with all of this and then move forward towards what you want with Hope in your heart and... May your journey be blessed! 🌻

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

[Stéphanie.FR]

Thank you Ashley for your kind soothing words. There's more and more support group in France, mostly discord servers, and I recently joined one, but I feel more at ease with traditional forums like this one. Of course, being in touch with fellow French girls and guys dealing with the same issues is a plus. Besides it's a great source to find therapists and doctors who are caring and attentive at our problems. I know deep inside me I have to move on, as these questions already ruined a lot of my life.

Stéphanie, X X

[tgirlamg]

Thank you Ashley for your kind soothing words. There's more and more support group in France, mostly discord servers, and I recently joined one, but I feel more at ease with traditional forums like this one.Of course, being in touch with fellow French girls and guys dealing with the same issues is a plus. I know deep inside me I have to move on, as these questions already ruined a lot of my life.

Stéphanie, X X

Stephanie!

Keep at it little sister... Getting to the answers to all this stuff that work best for you, is worth every bit of the effort it takes... Our lives are truly whatever we make them to be!  make yours a glorious reflection of you... If I can ever be of help, please don't hesitate to let me know!

Onward!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

[Susan]

Dear Stéphanie,

Your experiences and feelings are deeply personal and resonate with the struggles many face when contemplating their gender identity. The oscillation between a strong desire to embrace your true self and the practical considerations and fears associated with transitioning is a common challenge. It's a journey that can often feel like confronting an insurmountable wall, with each wave of longing to be your authentic self followed by hesitation and doubt.

It's important to remember that there is no singular or correct path to understanding and expressing one's gender identity. The process of exploring and affirming your gender can be complex and nonlinear. It's okay to feel uncertain, to take steps forward and backward, as this is part of discovering what feels right for you.

Dealing with regret, especially about not having lived as a woman earlier in life, is a feeling shared by many. However, it's never too late to explore and affirm your identity. Each person's journey is unique, and there is no set timeline for these deeply personal decisions.

If you haven't already, consider reaching out to supportive communities, friends, or professionals who can provide a safe space to express these feelings and guide you through this process. Remember, it's about finding a path that aligns with your true self, at a pace that feels right for you. Your journey is valid, and your feelings are legitimate. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this path.

With warmth and understanding,

Susan

[ChrissyRyan]

A supportive gender therapist helped me.  Gaining clarity and self acceptance was important.

Chrissy

[Gwendoline]

Dear Stephany, what you describe is something a lot of the members here have had including myself. There can always be a reason not to take the step for exploring the feelings. I whish you find the courage to seek for a therapist to find out more about yourself and what to do with those feelings you have.

[Stéphanie.FR]

Thank you for your answers Susan, Chrissy and Gwendoline. Finding and seeing a therapist is on top of my list of thing I'm planning do in the coming weeks, with several other things and some goals I have to achieve before taking a step further.
Stephanie, X X

[ChrissyRyan]

Stephanie,

Some days when I get ready to meet the world I wonder why in the world I really, really need to ever present as male again as I am far, far away in my mind a guy any more.  The reason, I think, is the fear of making that full time status change, legal name change, and I would not want to revert to a male status.  Yet, for me at least, I cannot quite cross that threshold of transitioning.

So I enjoy the majority of the time being my female self, being treated by some meaningful to me as female, and learning still to live as a female.  I still have some situations where it is wise for me to fawn a male persona. 

It takes a lot of courage to be MTF.  Humiliation, unacceptance, and awful remarks can take a toll, and have, on me.  It is wonderful to be self accepting and accepted by others though.  It is those times with others I seem to happily be myself.  I wish I was born and raised female.  I was not.  So I have had to adapt over the years.  I do not blame anyone or God for this. 

Dysphoria can be so intense some days.  I just try to have a good day and make the best of it.  Some days some mind games and quiet thinking to soothe hurts are ways to lessen the discomfort.  I am only human, no matter how happy I usually am. 

So, take each day one at a time.  Some will be so nice.  Try to make the day for others.  Ther are a lot of people who do need others to care.

Hugs,

Chrissy

[ClaireBlooming]

I guess it's something lot of you experienced or are experiencing, but I feel like facing a wall, with the fear to crash on it. I have those urges to be a woman coming by waves and being so strong I feel my body tense up in frustration, and making me decided to follow the path to being the girl I so often wished to be born, and the same day, I can think I can still live as a man, having lot of reasons to think transitioning is not an option for me, until having that urge to be female gripping me again, leaving me with the feeling I'm glued to the ground. I'm getting older, I have regrets to not have lived as a woman my adult life, but am constantly postponing decisions. Taking one step ahead, then one back, going nowhere... Just suffering.

Stéphanie, x x

I can feel your every word.  I too fool myself into thinking that I'm OK with not transitioning, and I am to a certain extent.  I've never been suicidal about being AMAB or anything like that, thank God. But it also never goes away.  I too am paralyzed by fear and indecision.  I've started with a new gender therapist.  I'm hopeful that she will help me get the clarity I seek...but I'm also terrified I'll get the clarity I seek.

Just wanted to say that you're not alone, Stephanie

Hugs,

Claire

[Stéphanie.FR]

Thank you Chrissy and Claire.

Chrissy, I don't blame anyone, neither God or Mother Nature. I just sometimes think the last two quoted may have a weird sense of humor making the container so masculine while in the same time making the content so craving for femininity. :-) I try just like you to have a good day and to make the best of it. But at the same time, I'm wondering if, becoming the real me, lots of difficulties I'm experiencing in my life, coming from the first one, loving myself, would hopefully find some soothing. Like you I will have to find my own way, as a man, a trans woman, or as I will find the best suited for me. Meanwhile, I surely don't forget to help other, even if time has come to help me too.

Claire, I like your avatar, so right to illustrate our respective situations yet. I never been suicidal too, but like I said, I'm wondering if some of the problems I had in the past, and for some of them still have, are not directly linked to the will to harm myself coming from my gender issues. Some "suicide" in disguise in some less definitive ways. I wish you to find your way. Like you I'm afraid to find that clarity. I'm more and more convinced I will have to confront it, and try to end the fight as the winner.

Stéphanie, X X

[ClaireBlooming]

Thank you Chrissy and Claire.

Claire, I like your avatar, so right to illustrate our respective situations yet. I never been suicidal too, but like I said, I'm wondering if some of the problems I had in the past, and for some of them still have, are not directly linked to the will to harm myself coming from my gender issues. Some "suicide" in disguise in some less definitive ways. I wish you to find your way. Like you I'm afraid to find that clarity. I'm more and more convinced I will have to confront it, and try to end the fight as the winner.

Stéphanie, X X

I saw that avatar on a T-shirt that I plan on buying for myself when I start HRT.  I don't know if I could be classified as self-destructive, but I have noticed that during those times of clarity that I accept my femininity, I'm suddenly motivated to start taking care of myself better.

-Claire

[imallie]

Hey Stephanie - so glad you're here, and sharing your experiences and your struggles. As others have said, everyone has faced some version of them.

The only iron clad rule in all of this is that, while there are so many things you can change, the one you absolutely cannot is the past. Time spent beating yourself up about years lost, paths not taken, etc ... don't lead anywhere good or productive.

That being said, each new day is an opportunity for you to change things - little or big. But only when you are ready. Not on anyone else's timetable. And maybe not ever if that's what's best for you. Hopefully you'll find someone you like to talk to about this and be able to plot your own path going forward.

You'll always have lots of cheerleaders here to root you on and share our successes and failures too, if that's any help!

Love,
Allie