Kay's Path

[Kay226]

I have decided to start a blog. I haven't journaled in a while, so maybe this is a good place to put my thoughts to words.

I love quotes and there is one taped to the wall near my computer. I look at it everyday. I do not know the author. (note: author added to quote) On my path of healing and learning to accept myself this quote means a lot to me. I hope you like it.

"PEOPLE WILL LOVE YOU.
PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU.
AND NONE OF IT
WILL HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH YOU."
By Abraham Hicks

[TXSara]

I'm glad you are starting a blog, Kay.

My original one (lost along with all the other posts over the past 4+ years) really helped me during my transition.  I'm not sure where you are on your journey, but regardless of the place you are or where you believe you are heading, it is nice to let your thoughts out.

~Sara

[imallie]

That quote comes from a motivational speaker. I'm 95% sure his name is Abraham Hicks. But don't quote me.  But I am certain it's someone who does motivational speaking / has written books and such. Have no idea why I have that knowledge. LOL

Good luck with the blog!!

Love,
Allie

[Kay226]

That quote comes from a motivational speaker. I'm 95% sure his name is Abraham Hicks. But don't quote me.  But I am certain it's someone who does motivational speaking / has written books and such. Have no idea why I have that knowledge. LOL

Good luck with the blog!!

Love,
Allie


OK, I googled it and it is Abraham Hicks. Thank you Allie!

[Devlyn]

Kay, if you could be so kind as to credit the author in the post where you used their quote, that would be great. Plus it will keep you and the site out of any legal entanglements. You may want to take a look at this: https://problogger.com/how-to-use-quotes/

 Thanks!

Hugs, Devlyn

[D'Amalie]

I'm confused.  What am I missing?

In the inital post, Kay did use quotes and attributed the author by name.  In what way did she discredit the originator?  I only see that there was no link.  Frankly I'd generally not link unless I intended the reader to follow it for a good read.

[Devlyn]

I'm confused.  What am I missing?

In the inital post, Kay did use quotes and attributed the author by name.  In what way did she discredit the originator?  I only see that there was no link.  Frankly I'd generally not link unless I intended the reader to follow it for a good read.

What you're missing is this:

Last Edit: Today at 11:24:31 AM by Kay226 - Remove this sign

Kay gave my post a Like and a Thanks, then went and edited the original post.

Frankly, it's a bit insulting that you think I'd ask someone to credit an owner of intellectual property if they already had done so. I do know how to do my job, thank you.

[D'Amalie]

Gosh!  Sorry to see you take it that way.  I prefaced with a genuine "What am I missing."  Never said you weren't doing your job. i'm simply trying to learn forum etiquette, thought I was missing somehting obvious.

We the common blogger just checking through posts we've not seen before wouldn't know to analyse the edit, like and thanks to determine see what was editied after the fact, right?  I know I didn't, since I only saw the corrected version on first read.  I was genuinely confused.  "Last edit" is fine print, and rarely pertinent to the discussion anyhow.


We all appreciate your assistance here, Devlyn.  The site wouldn't be a success if you weren't generously helping.

What you're missing is this:

Last Edit: Today at 11:24:31 AM by Kay226 - Remove this sign

Kay gave my post a Like and a Thanks, then went and edited the original post.

Frankly, it's a bit insulting that you think I'd ask someone to credit an owner of intellectual property if they already had done so. I do know how to do my job, thank you.

[Kay226]

I wanted to share another quote. BTW, I love quotes that resonate with my life's path. I post quotes on my wall near my computer and read them often. They make me reflect on my life, about my past and where I am going.

"The path of awakening is not about becoming who you are. Rather it is about unbecoming who we are not"
By Albert Schweitzer

[Kay226]

I woke this morning and while drinking my coffee, I read a couple articles on Substack. I read a couple articles about gender and reflected on my own life. I was born in the 60's and in my house, I tried to live up to everyone else's expectations. That left me with guilt (for not being perfect), shame (for being different and sensitive) and caused me to become hyper fixated with other's emotions. All the while stuffing my thoughts and needs way down into the basement of my brain.

In my night time dreams and my meditations, opening doors and walking through them is very strong metaphoric symbol. So after my coffee, I am sipping my daily matcha tea with a strong feeling that more doors will be opening in my life, and me walking through them. I cannot predict what it on the other side of those doors. But I know in my heart they will be there. I pray that I will be strong enough to take those steps.

☮️ Kay

[Northern Star Girl]

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I am so very happy to see that you have started your own Blog thread here on the Forum.

You can consider your Blog here as your shared personal journal that you can use to
write down your thoughts and comments as you navigate your journey and life endeavors.

I have some older Blog threads here from several years ago that I still go back to
read what I had shared...  great memories of my trials and tribulations as I documented
my own journey. 

I also keep a personal "old school" pen & paper journey for my eyes only... complete with
colorful doodling and snapshot pictures. 
On a cold and rainy night I can be found in my comfy chair in front of my warm fireplace
reading over some of my past writings... sometimes with tears in my eyes and sometimes
with a smile on my face.

As you feel free to share your story you can find comfort in knowing that when you
share your heartache, trials, difficulties and Unpleasant experiences that test your
resilience and strength... that you have like-minded members and friends here that will
be at your side to offer their shoulder for you to lean on.
On the other hand, when you share your successes, accomplishments,and happy moments we will
rejoice with you and help you to celebrate those good times in your life.

I look forward to following in your "Kay's Path" Blog thread and I also am
eagerly looking for your future postings around the various threads on the Forum.

My warmest HUGS ... and happy Blogging and Journaling
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]   

[Northern Star Girl]

@Kay226
Dear Kay:

I like that you were able to post your new Avatar Profile picture.
It is nice putting a face to our members here.

HUGS,
Danielle

[Kay226]

I woke early again.Last night I listened to 2 podcasts altho not to the end, just about halfway through. One was on the emotion of shame and the other was a talk by Dr. Gabor Mate on his last book "The Myth of Normal." I only listened halfway through these because i was tired, not because they were not good. I recommend both of them if anyone is interested, I can post or send them links.

The podcast on shame was an interview of David Sauvage. His message is that shame starts if you grew up in an environment of conditional love. Shame controls so much of our lives. And shame is a difficult emotion. It likes to hide and society has taught us to feel shame for having shame making it more difficult to heal it. I think somewhere in the podcast there was the message that most of the people in the world carry shame. I know that I do. I do not want my decisions of where my life goes controlled by an old emotion that formed when I was a small child. This is why I am on my path.

The second podcast was a talk by Dr. Gabor Mate. If you have never heard of him, and are interested in healing, I highly recommend watching a few of his Youtube videos. He also has books and a movie called "The Wisdom of Trauma." His message was about his latest book "The Myth of Normal." The message is similar to the podcast interview of David Sauvage. That most of us grew up with some kind of trauma that affects us now. That in society, there is no normal. We are all carrying wounds and emotional baggage to some degree.

I know that I am repeating myself a little from other posts that I made. My mother during her meltdowns used to scream at me that she "should have drowned me in the toilet when I was a baby." As a child, I thought it was my fault, that I was defective and worthless. Even as a child, I did have thoughts that it didn't have to be like this. There was a better way to live. This may have saved me and put me on the path of healing. I know that I will get there and a new door will open for me to walk through.

The story above is very sad. I now understand that my mother needed therapy, meds and support from her family. She felt worthless inside and projected it on me. I am not excusing her actions. But if she was alive today, I would try to help her heal her life. She was heartbroken from her childhood and my father worked a lot and was basically absent. My brothers were chauvinistic. I was little and took all this in. My mother needed a hug and to be told that she was lovable and worthy. I was too small to realize this. She died too soon for me to help.

I am getting ready to go on a long business trip. I hope to be able to log on to this site during my extended stay. I am bringing my tablet and bought a keyboard to go along with it. I hope to give it a test run today. I have a new book and printed articles to read on my flight and in my room after work.

☮️ Kay

[Jessica_Rose]

Kay, I agree that most (all?) of us have some type of trauma in out past. Some of us bury it so deeply that we treat it as 'forgotten'. Unfortunately, it will never truly be forgotten. It will live on, deep in our minds, somehow affecting us for the rest of our lives.

I know something happened to me when I was very young, maybe 6 - 7 years old. It was related to our neighbor's son, who was 15 - 16 at the time. All I remember is that he threatened me with something very graphic and violent. For months afterward, I would go to bed thinking about sleeping in a cocoon made of the hardest things I could think of. Maybe that's why I always carry a knife, and own dozens of firearms.

My dad has told me a story about a brother who passed away very young after catching pneumonia. His mom blamed my dad for his brother's death, and told him so on many occasions. I could tell it was still causing him pain.

I hope your business trip goes well.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Gina P]

Kay, so sorry you should have had to endure that growing up. I grew up in a similar environment where the paddle or belt was thought to be a cure all. Its so hard to let those old feelings and memories go. I like that you have been able to realize that your mother was the one who had the problems. Helps the healing.
Hugs Gina

[REM.1126]

I understand that your avatar is a filter, as is mine.  That said, you look beautiful in it, and in my experience a lot of the actual person comes through the filter, so your features are probably very similar, if a bit less feminine.  Anyway, it is a really nice avatar.

I grew up much the same (also during the 60's-70's.  My mom never said she wished she had killed me, but she often said that people I knew to be like myself (TG people) should kill themself.  So, the message came through loud and clear.  This was mainly in the mid to late 70's when daytime TV started bringing TG people into everyone's home.

But, my mom's mom caught me wearing one of her dresses and told me when I was 5 that I was a pervert and therefore going to Hell, so... I was pretty young when the message was delivered loud and clear. 

I didn't want to go to Hell.  I tried to change, but wasn't successful.  So, I started hating myself.  It took decades for me to stop beating myself up.  I am better now, but still scarred by the many self inflicted traumas and family inflicted shame. 

[Kay226]

I just read some of my replies, my heart is touched. I am leaving for a business trip in a few hours. I will be gone for a long while. Hope to check in here if time permits.

I read a quote this morning. I think these quotes appear when my life needs that message:

"When it feels scary, it's a hidden opportunity for growth" by Tim Denning

Honestly, I fail this quote miserably everyday. This is something that I want to think about for the next few days, weeks.

Kay

[D'Amalie]

I understand that your avatar is a filter, as is mine.  That said, you look beautiful in it, and in my experience a lot of the actual person comes through the filter, so your features are probably very similar, if a bit less feminine.  Anyway, it is a really nice avatar.

Both of you are lovely!

I didn't want to go to Hell.  I tried to change, but wasn't successful.  So, I started hating myself.  It took decades for me to stop beating myself up.  I am better now, but still scarred by the many self inflicted traumas and family inflicted shame. 

I feel ike I went back and forth, to Hell and Back over those 14 years with the "wicked witch" stepmother.  At least my father said, "I'm sorry" well after the fact though.  To my question long after I left home, "Why did you stay, Dad?"   "I promised," he replied softly.

[D'Amalie]

Kay, so sorry you should have had to endure that growing up. I grew up in a similar environment where the paddle or belt was thought to be a cure all. Its so hard to let those old feelings and memories go. I like that you have been able to realize that your mother was the one who had the problems. Helps the healing.
Hugs Gina

I heard my voice in your words!  Healing continues.

[D'Amalie]

I now understand that my mother needed therapy, meds and support from her family. She felt worthless inside and projected it on me. I am not excusing her actions.
☮️ Kay

This realization is how I made it past the suicide, in similar circumstances later in life.  Her oldest son raped me at 8 years old. Never forgiven.  God knows how my parents never knew.  I felt If I told them, I would be blamed and punished, punished, punished.  14 years of my childhood was to Hell and Back daily.  Never knowing hour to hour moment to moment, if things were going to go bad in the next instant.  School was only safe if I stayed away from most others, living in the libraries and the stacks.