Kay's Path

[Kay226]

We had a nice breakfast and walked around the whole flea market yesterday. I did not buy anything, but I enjoyed being outside in the sunshine and watching other people walk around and shop. It was back to work today. With our office closing, morale is really toxic. I try my best to stay positive and be supportive to others. I am not looking for another job as others are. Many have young families to provide for. Staying will give me their exit package which is fairly generous and being close to retirement, I may coast along until then. I have a grown child who is about to go silent on me over a misunderstanding that I had nothing to do with. They are also anti LGBTQ+, altho I am not out, my long hair may be upsetting them. If they go silent, I will grow though it. I hope that it isn't contagious where my other kids join in. I have treated them all very well. And I cannot control others. Their path, their choice. But it does make me sad. I did not raise them to act like this.

[Kay226]

I have been thinking about my life. Kinda deep dive thinking. What is the next chapter in my life going to look like? My gender feelings run very deep in me. I was a DES baby. My parents have been gone for decades so I can't prove it 100%, but I recently was told that my mother had a miscarriage before me. I know my mother and in the early 1960's she would have taken something the doctor gave to her. I am pretty sure she took DES during her pregnancy with me. I remember at a very young age wanting to be a girl. All those feelings were hidden as I went into survival mode, for many decades. Resources like having a trusting person to talk with did not exist back then. I made decisions for my life path to make everyone else happy. Now I feel like I don't even know who I am and what my needs are. I am currently discussing these issues with my wonderful therapist!

I am off to work soon and I wish everyone a beautiful day!

[Maid Marion]

You can and can't control what other people are thinking.
You can if you talk about it!  Talking about LGBTQ allows you to give you side of the story!
I think it becomes different when you know folks who are out.
And becomes even more different when you work with them every day!

It is good you have a therapist to talk to.

[Jessica_Rose]

I have a grown child who is about to go silent on me over a misunderstanding that I had nothing to do with. They are also anti LGBTQ+, altho I am not out, my long hair may be upsetting them. If they go silent, I will grow though it. I hope that it isn't contagious where my other kids join in. I have treated them all very well. And I cannot control others. Their path, their choice. But it does make me sad. I did not raise them to act like this.

As you said, you cannot control others. It's sad when people can't open their hearts to see the beauty within others. They often base their opinions on rumors and innuendo, instead of their own first-hand experience.  I know it isn't easy, but confronting them could just drive them further away. Just continue being yourself, and hopefully they will eventually see the truth.

If you ever need to vent, or share your feelings with others who will understand, Susan's Place is open 24/7.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Kay226]

I think there is true beauty in transgender people. They can be truly in touch with their authentic selves. Many in society are living in the matrix and living in societal expectations. They don't know their true self and have lost their dreams I am not completely out, but I am feeling euphoric today. I have many frustrations in life, but at least for today, I am trying not to focus on them. I usually see my therapist on Thursdays, but she had a family emergency and canceled. Tonight I hope to get out for a walk, journal and maybe call my daughter.

I hope everyone is doing well today!

[Kay226]

This morning we went to the cemetery where my parents are. We got an early start,it is a couple hour ride to the town that I grew up in. We did the usual trimming of grass around the headstone and then planted some flowers on either side. Then left a small flag as my father was a WWII veteran. We had an extra potted flower. I noticed a grave site kitty corner to my parents that was unkept. I read the headstone and he was a WWI veteran. Obviously no one had visited this site in a long time so we trimmed the grass and cleaned it up a bit. Then planted our extra plant next to his headstone. He will now be our adopted relative and we will care for his site when we visit the cemetery.

When we got home, I had my wife trim the little fuzzy hairs on the back of my neck. Since I no longer visit the barber, they don't get trimmed off. Every few months I visit my hair stylist and also get my eyebrows waxed. I will be setting up an appointment for next month. Quiet afternoon here. thinking of a nap or meditation.

[Lori Dee]

I love the adopting a veteran idea!

[Kay226]

I attended therapy this week. My therapist uses IFS which I find very fascinating and healing. We had a very good session. I have been carrying some bad stuff for way too long. And as I probably mentioned before, my work is closing our office this fall. Things have become very toxic there and need to be talked thru. I am truly tired of being just another corporate number. I am staying until the end to get the exit package. In the meantime, I will have to wear my emotional armor there.

Today, I am going to my son's house for a grill out. My son doesn't know that I am trans, although sometimes it seems obvious. He votes in a way that I don't agree with. The upside is that I get to see and play with my grandchildren. Tomorrow it is off to my daughter's house. She is more accepting of me. She gave me a gift card to a makeup store for my birthday!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!
 

[Northern Star Girl]

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I hope and trust that you continue to have success with your IFS and with your therapist. 

Your situation with your employer is on my mind...  when the office is finally closed, does
that mean that you are out of a job or will you be transferred to another office? ... or will
you branch out and look for new employment?

Wishing you success and happiness as you continue on in your journey.
Many HUGS... and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Kay226]

Hi Danielle,

I am out of a job when our office closes. I am one year from retiring. This is opening a new chapter in my life that is yet to be defined. I am considering several options.

[Lori Dee]

I'm sorry to hear that you will be out of a job so close to retirement. But I also appreciate the value of a new start. Good luck!

[Paulie]

Being only a year out from retirement adds another level of complexity to the situation.  I don't know if I could find another job with as close as I'm to retirement too.  Employers want to think you're going to be around long enough to recover the onboarding and training cost.

I hope you find an option that works out well for you.

Warm Regards,

Paulie.

[davina61]

I finished work a year early but that was due to being assaulted at work by a manager that lost the plot. Unable to do my job due to damaged wrist I got paid disability till I retired.

[Kay226]

I had a wonderful time at my son's house yesterday. My son cooked out and I got to play with the grand kids. Weather was very warm and sunny. Today will be low key with my daughter and her spouse. Probably a lite dinner and dessert.

Today is father's day. I never liked this holiday. I had a strained relationship with my father who is long gone. Since a very young age, I felt like a girl but had to repress those feelings and act the total opposite of who I really was. My father and brothers treated my mother horribly. I married and have a family, but I have always felt the need to nurture my kids. I will accept the day as a gathering of family members but wish that I could shed the label of father and all the memories of male toxicity.

Many thanks to those who have responded about my job ending. I have a plan that we think will work. But I am not completely sure how it will all play. The hardest part is not totally financial, but more of the concept of who I am. I spent most of my life as a loyal corporate employee who supported and helped a lot of people. Letting all that go is a huge change for me. My therapist is doing a great job helping me with this.

[Kay226]

Yesterday I saw my therapist. We had a great talk. It seems like time flies by during my session. Do other people feel that way? It's been a bit of a long week. My dog got sick and kept us up during the night. At work, I have mentioned our office is closing this fall, so I have been packing up office equipment and desks of my co-workers who were laid off. It leaves me with a somber feeling. Some days I want to cry. I am hoping to decompress this weekend.
Hope everyone is doing well!
☮️ Kay

[Maid Marion]

Wow!  That is tough packing stuff up!

Hope things get better for you!

Marion

[davina61]

Kick back and relax dear, no point in worrying over stuff out of your control. The future is open for you and you never know what it will bring, trust the universe and go with the flow.

[Kay226]

I got an interesting phone call today from a manager that I used to work for. He is at a new company that is growing and called to tell me that there could be an opportunity for me there. We chatted for about an hour. It sounds interesting. This could bridge me to retirement. I know this person is not accepting of transgender people so I have to present as my old self as I am currently at work. I will know more in a few months so I have time to think this over. I see my therapist tomorrow, I am looking forward to my session. I hope to spend some time tonight journaling my thoughts and meditating.

I hope everyone is doing well today!

[Lori Dee]

I hope this turns out to be a great opportunity for you.

"When one door closes, another opens."

[Kay226]

Happy Saturday everyone! I had a rough week at work. As I have mentioned, our office is closing. They let most of our staff go. They kept a few of us to finish things up. The problem is, there is not enough of us to finish these tasks. We are being micromanaged by a person way up the food chain. We have all gotten phone calls from this person who seems like they want us to snitch on each other as to who is slacking. Honestly, none of us are. The company created this problem. Each day morale seems lower. Most of us are staying for the exit package which is fairly decent. Hoping the company that I talked to has a position open right about the time we close. One of my issues is that I have always worked hard and thrived on the external validation that I would receive. It is no longer there. My therapist and I talked about working on internal validation. Something I have always struggled with. She left me with an assignment to come up with positive self validating phrases to start saying to myself. I am working on that this weekend.

Tomorrow I go to my hair stylist. I get a little glammed up for that. Nothing too flashy, but not wearing my man grubs! This afternoon I need to work on an ongoing plumbing problem at our house. Ugh!