Questions Regarding MTF Transitioning.

[Altoids]

Hello.

Greetings from San Jose,

My name is Mordecai, and I am currently age 15. I would like to ask this community a few questions regarding the transgender community.

Before I go on I hope to not offend anyone with my word choice if it does. Considering i'm trying my hardest to be as politically correct as possible. If this post is in the wrong topic category please don't be offended or mad at me in any way. I am new to this community and am just desperate for answers from people either my age or a bit older depending on experience of transitioning.

Also if there is a post on this already that I have not noticed I apologize. I would rather have questions answered here from my questions perspective to give me a better and more in depth ideology of what I may consider to do.

I believe it would be best of me to describe myself before I am to go on with questions, knowing a bit more about me might just make answering these questions easier for the individuals that want to consider answering them.

As I have stated my name is Mordecai. I am currently a Freshman enrolled through a vocational High School. I have been taking Graphic Courses which include Photoshop, In Design, Illustrator and Animator. Academics wise I am currently taking both Honors English and History. Towards the transgender spectrum of my bio, I have always had the sense that My life would be so much better if I were to be a Female. I have had these thoughts through out the course of my life. Later on in my life around the age of 12.

I then started feeling this immense feeling of doubt, guilt, and the passion to live as the opposite sex. I remember watching a documentary based on the transgender spectrum about a young girl (AMAB) who wanted to identify as female. The documentary then went to describe the feelings that I felt myself! I personally felt like the documentary was speaking to me. Now obviously I did not just jump out of my chair and say right then and there that I was a Transgender. A lot of exploring and being honest to yourself has to occur to really understand if you truly and truly to yourself you feel you would want to be a female.

These thoughts then developed into what is known as Dysphoria. Which made me feel bad about myself, and made me feel like I was an outcast and not normal. Like I was sick. I grew up (and still am) with a Family that does not generally agree with the transgender community at all. THIS DOES NOT MAKE THEM BAD PARENTS!!! I don't want to get into a war with a user saying my parents are "mentally abusive" because in no way have the never been or will be abusive to me in any way.

Now that I am the age of 15 these thoughts have came back to me to an immense extent, to the point where I feel I cannot control them and that they control me. Every time I look up transitioning and peoples stories, I feel hopeless. No way in hell will I ever build up a financial status capable of doing what many of these fine men and women can do to feel at one with themselves.

The pain involved, the guilt, the risks, all make me think there is no reason to even try, and yes i understand that I should at least try to make myself "happy" but in reality there is no point when I don't ever recall feeling a euphoric sense of happiness for more than an hour. This has no relation to anything but proves a strong point. If i'm never going to be happy with myself what is the point of going through pain, torment, suffering, changes, risks of cancer and other ailments, just to pass as a female not biologically but look wise, isn't that what transgender is? To define instead of be? Please don't be offended with me. I don't have such the experience of being a transgender that many of the members here have.

The dysphoria makes me wish I could just fall asleep and wake up as the person I wish to be. Or to just not wake up at all, knowing death would be much better than going through pain, and guilt, etc just to pass. I want to be rather than wish to be. I want to be the opposite sex. Every day I ask myself if I had a choice to go through a portal in which one makes you either male or female. I would be sprinting directly to the female portal as fast as I could possibly sprint.

I dream about waking up as a female and being excited out of my mind praying to god that this dream will never end. When the dreams end I wake up knowing nothing has changed which just gives me guilt. I have a horrible fear of doctors offices, OR's ER's and other hospital like situations. My anxiety makes it impossible to step foot in a hospital without breaking down and becoming paralyzed. The fear makes me question if I could even ever transition. and some times I wonder if i'm mentally stable or not.

The questions I have are straight forward but go along with my bio so far.

If I were to ever go through HRT considering Im at the stage of male puberty. Would just HRT be enough for me to pass as the gender I want to be.

Are transgender females actually females? Or is this just a way to cope with dysphoria.

Do I NEED to have surgery to pass as anything.

How do I come out to a very self centered republican and religious person.

Would it be better for me to start now or when i'm in my twenties when I can without coming out to anyone.

Im hoping I did not offend too many people, sorry if I have.

[Jessica]

Hi Mordecai 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's, I'm Jessica! All your questions are valid. I'm glad you have found Susan's.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself. 

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[Jessica]

If I were to ever go through HRT considering Im at the stage of male puberty. Would just HRT be enough for me to pass as the gender I want to be.

Everyone has a different experience in time lines, but from what I understand, the younger you are the better the effects.

Are transgender females actually females? Or is this just a way to cope with dysphoria.

Being a woman doesn't hinge on your body, more of your mind.

Do I NEED to have surgery to pass as anything.

With being so young, I would think you would succeed at passing without surgery.  You may feel in time you need it though.

How do I come out to a very self centered republican and religious person.

That's a tough question, if they love you and respect you, anyone can be supportive.  Some are just stubborn.

Would it be better for me to start now or when i'm in my twenties when I can without coming out to anyone.

See the first answer above.

Good luck, Jessica

[Kendra]

Hello Mordecal, welcome to Susan's!

Many things in your post resonate with me.  I am MtF and began questioning and then exploring my gender with a few signals at age 6, stronger at 8, began really questioning at 10 and taking a few steps into a different path.  I became increasingly upset with the direction my body was heading into with puberty, but for various reasons I completely stopped acknowledging and questioning any of this when I was 15.  I became angry, started losing interest in things I had been passionate about (music) and focused on the lifelong role I had been expected to fulfill. 

I graduated high school and entered a university that year (a bit early, I wasn't yet 16).  Music scholarship and engineering honors program.  Within a year the hatred within myself tore so much down - I did manage to get back on my feet and build a good career and relationships but I wasn't happy as I should have been.  Several decades later I realized why.  I had not allowed myself to be myself. 

I admire you for questioning and considering very important options regarding your future.  These days there are so many sources of information - some excellent, some quite bad or inaccurate.  It's always good to bounce things off a professional gender therapist if you have the opportunity, and I urge you to do so if possible. 

"Passing" starts within our minds.  The standard of what really is passing is an arbitrary social standard and can be a factor in some peoples' happiness (or not), but we are each different.  Visible features in a cis-gender person can have a range overlapping into either gender - including a surprising number of facial with overlap - and there are many other factors surgery cannot solve.  Mannerisms, vocal inflection and choice of words, so many details.  At this stage having a solid foundation is most important, not the details - I worried about those later.  It is also possible to aim for a permanently non-binary gender presentation, although that's not what I wanted I admire the courage of those who do.  In my opinion passing is an optional means to an end - it is far more important to accept and like yourself for who you are, and find a way to tackle anything getting in the way (within reason).  If an item can't be tackled, think again - maybe that item isn't necessary as other factors add up.

I never thought my parents would understand.  Based on our differences of opinion I was certain my relationship with my parents would never recover from what I needed to tell them.  I made my case carefully, built up the courage and had a long talk one morning over breakfast six months ago.  My predictions were wrong - in my particular case, things turned out not only okay, but better than I thought was possible.  I posted the details here.

I have found transition to be a jigsaw puzzle.  Things I thought were impossible to achieve were within reach once I realized there are no absolute answers - just details to fit the overall decision.  In many ways the positive things I now see in the world are not for the first time.  It's the way I remember the world several decades ago before my mismatched puberty started to take over.  That is just me, and I never want to assert the same solution is the correct answer for anyone else.  But I believe you are asking the right questions.

I wish you the best.

Kendra

[punky_glitter]

I'm not much older than you, but sometimes a few years can make all the difference. I am not male to female I am androgyne, but I would like to try to support as much as I can.
The first thing that I want to say is that all trans women are real women. All trans men are real men. I was not offended by your questions at all, because especially at such an age it's so freaking easy to doubt yourself. I do it all the time and it gets hard. Sometimes I feel like it's fake and that I should try to be "normal". But you are a woman. You are made to be a woman, and you're not a "man trapped in a woman's body" you're a woman, in a woman's body. Women have all kinds of bodies. There are women who are bigger and there are women who are smaller and sometimes they feel uncomfortable about their bodies, and when they do they work to change it.
Coming out is a very scary process. But remember, you don't have to come out. It's not manditory for you to come out, it could make it easier but if you decide that coming out isn't for you, you will simply just take a different path.
From what you did say about your parents, I think that they will love you unconditionally. We fear what we don't understand, so maybe they just don't understand transgender folk. But you are their daughter and having that close relationship with them can help them to understand. It will be hard at first for them to comprehend what you will be saying, and they may even lash out, at first but sometimes you just have to be prepared for it. I think that after a few months of coming out they will be more used to the idea of who you are. When you first come out parents are typically very shocked and feeling a lot of emotions, so be prepared for questions, accusations, and the whole deal. They may even say something that hurts your feelings or invalidates you.
This does not mean they don't accept you
they are just trying to deal with the shock of it.
Be prepared to tell them calmly, "This statement hurt my feelings because it makes me feel like ___"
Be prepared to answer questions that seem unnecessary, so you'll want a better understanding of yourself than anyone.
They might ask what you want to do now that you've come out, write down or have ready your end goal whether you want bottom or top surgery or hormones or anything else, including what your pronouns are and that you are their daughter.
They can help you from there.
If all doesn't go as planned (I think it would, but I don't know for certain)
indulge yourself in feminine things to try to relieve yourself of the dysforia, come out to peers at school so you can have a space where you are accepted as you, watch tutorials online on how to tuck and how to make yourself how you envision but with supplies at home. Please keep looking forward. As my signature says, they can take away all of your tools to help people see who you are But they can never take who you are
You are a woman. You're not just a man dressing up.
It's hard. I definitely know that. But I personally believe in you and I want to help you and support you with every part of my heart. Any time you need help, please come to me, or anyone here. We want the best for you. I want the best for you.
Sincerely,
    Patricia.

[Altoids]

Hey mordecai. Long time no see. Figured since you're my past self I'd give you some updates. We're 22 years old now and we're Zara now we've been on HRT for about 6 months and a lot has changed. You wear makeup now, have a really cute boyfriend, and dress more feminine and present as who you have always been, a woman. You work with cars and get really weird looks from some people but it doesn't phase you. It hurts but we get through it. The waiting worked out. Stay strong. I wish you all the best and can't wait to see the beautiful woman you turn into <3

[Sarah B]

Hello Altoids

My name is Sarah and I would like to formally, Welcome you Back to Susan's Place!

It's really great to hear from you after all these years!  Your update was so heartwarming and inspiring.  When I read your words to your younger self, it's clear just how much strength, resilience, and self love you've built up over time.  You have come such a long way, and it's amazing to see you embracing who you are, living authentically, and finding joy along the journey.

Your path from the doubts and struggles you dealt with at 15 to where you are now is a shining example of patience and determination.  Six months on HRT, a sweet boyfriend, feeling confident in your femininity and even working with cars despite the glances you receive that's a lot to celebrate!  I really hope you take a moment to feel proud of yourself because you totally deserve it.

Even if you don't drop by often, remember that you are always welcome here.  If you ever want to share more about your journey, your experiences, or how life's treating you, we would love to hear from you again.  Your story might just be what someone else needs to hear.

Until then, take care, keep being your amazing self and don't forget you are strong, beautiful, and exactly who you're meant to be.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the Introductions Forum, of course.   I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these as well.

Please review the links at the end of this message, especially the red links, they include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features.   When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact, the Forum Admin Danielle Northern Star Girl alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Altoids

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[Lilis]

Hey mordecai. Long time no see. Figured since you're my past self I'd give you some updates. We're 22 years old now and we're Zara now

Hi Zara,

Welcome back!

You said, "we are", could you expand on that?

My name is Lilis. I identify as genderfluid, and my pronouns are she/her. I never visit this forum in my male persona, but yeah, in a way, we are two.


~ Lilis