Island of a tortured, lost soul

[Aurelius]

"...so I stay as I am, without regret, seperated from the normal human condition." --Guy Sajer
Hi everyone...
This is my first post, and my first visit. I'm not quiet sure what to say because I have never told anyone before. I won't burden anyone with my own life's story, unless you care to know...but my problem is this. I've spent my entire adult life in the military. I am now 35 years old. I have known for years I was gender dyspohoric...but after being put on recruiting duty (with it's associated stresses) I began to run into alot of problems...so I went to see a military psychiatrist. I did not discuss my personal demons but everything else about my life...I was diagnosed as being schizoid. So here I am, 35 years old, having never been in any real realtionship, unmarried, no children, institutionalized, severed all ties with my own family...and utterly alone, exiled to an island of my own making. I did this to myself.
I am a heterosexual. I have never been attracted to men, and the idea of two men together does not appeal to me. I doubt it would be possible for me to be otherwise, I suppose it fits into my conservative worldview. But with two strikes against me...schizoid and gender dysphoric...it is impossible for me to have any meaningful relationship with a woman. I am getting to be quite the old bachelor. Regardless of heterosexual views of marriage, deep down inside there was also that nagging self image of myself in the other, proper, role...of being the wife, mother...etc...but those feelings remain buried deep. My secret identity only let loose in my own mind and heart that no one could touch or see, behind my own fortress.
But being told I was schizoid a few days ago caused me to reevalutate things.
Now that I understand myself and my own limitations...perhaps I can overcome it. I find myself at my own crossroads in life, I know I cannot live this way much longer. I've often thought of suicide, but as there is always hope I doubt I will ever go through with it. After all these years, fighting in a war (perhaps seeking another goal), praying to God, my 1200 book library, my intense, unrelenting searching inside myself...perhaps now an answer will be in reach.
But "coming out", even after I seperate from the military...seems an impossibility. I wasn't made to reveal my own secret self, but to protect it...at all costs. With my personality "disorder", I have two enormous, unstoppable forces at play...the need to protect my inner self, isolating myself from human relationships...and the loneliness and longing that isolation brings. Always a flat, emotionless exterior...but inside a furious storm of compassion, anger, love, dispair, joy, sorrow....that no one ever sees. It has little or no outlet. I can certainly seek therapy...but will I even tell the truth? If I do, are there any further steps? What is my ultimate goal? Chances are, I can never come out. I wasn't made to. I have to be honest with myself.
But perhaps there is a new dawn for me. Or perhaps not. Until I find the answers I seek, I sit here on my self created island, gazing at an ocean of uncertainty, the gentle waves beckoning me to build a raft and escape from my prison.

[lady amarant]

Hi Aurelius,

Coming to terms with GID is hard. It took me years and lots of heart-ache, but on the other side of that is self-acceptance like I'd never experienced before.

Also, remember that it's never too late to remake yourself, change your opinions and beliefs. At the end of the day our personas are really little more than the sum of our experiences, our learning, and perhaps it is that persona that keeps you from realizing your true self. I came to the UK, not to run away from my problems in South Africa, but to get a breather, to give me the space I needed to accept the dangers and difficulties of transition without influence or interference from loved-ones and others, not to mention the safety and financial aspects.

Soon enough, I'll have to return home to the same old set of prejudices and dangers and problems, but now that I've had a chance to grow on my own, I'm better equipped to deal with them. So yeah, your island is your island, but perhaps building a raft and sailing off to somwhere nobody knows you or cares about you, just long enough for you to gain some perspective, is not such a bad call...

Whatever the future holds though, I think Susan's is one of the better places around to find advice, information, or just a willing ear (or display, for that matter!)

So welcome!

[Gozer]

Kudos to you on the acknowledgment! You've taken the most critical and wonderful first steps. Your little island now has some bridges. Welcome to my island...make yourself at home. 

[Aurelius]

Thank you for all your kind words and suggestions....
I have found myself in a dilemma I cannot get out of, leaving me with three choices...the reason I stayed in the military was the honor, diginity and sense of doing something important that it gave me...this current duty, after two years abuse, wore that away...that single column collapsed revealing there wasn't anything else substantial in my life. Sixteen years! I was so close! I have gladly went where ever they sent me, in war and the lonely peace...a chest full of medals that seem meaningless to me, more so everyday. Get out, fail miserable and go crazy/get court martialed, or take my own life. Getting out...I don't know how to do anything else. I'm institutionalized. I have no family or social skills (the military didn't so this to me, I did it to myself...that's what a schizoid does). Where would I go? What would I do? Stay here and fail? Fail at the only thing I've ever been good at? I need help but cannot get it on recruiting. If I can't be on recruiting, I shouldn't be in at all, the common rule of thumb which I agree with. But recruiting means living in the same society you've devoted your life to protecting from afar...but I don't belong in society anymore. On a base, probably, in Iraq or some other far off, unhappy place...definately...but not here in the real, breathing world. Take my own life, well, I will get to that. Who cares, anyways?

I said goodbye to her today, I looked into her cold, blue eyes that used to sparkle so warmly...I knew she no longer cared when I told her I forgave her. I let so few people in, when I do...I grant too much power to hurt. She is the last one I will ever care for. The last time. She cut me out of her life more professionaly than a surgeon cutting out a cancerous organ. She never told me why, so suddenly...My last chance to be happy...but at the end of the day I know she's right. Who cares?

They say that people like me do not care, do not feel...that is so very far from the truth. I cared till my heart broke, all the more so because I could not show it or share it with another human being, the agony, dispair, love, hope, sorrow, wonder, incredible fear of lonliness...swirling in a maelstrom of terror and shear pain. All locked underneath a calm, flat exterior...I know what it feels like to love, but what does it feel like to be loved? I can't allow it...I am cursed to walk the earth alone. I never knew the implications of finally understanding one's limitations. Who cares?

When in pain, we seek answers...in the seeking we lose focus on the important. I have read every work of the Great Conversation...Plato, Aristotle, St. Augustine, Marcus Aurelius, Spinoza, Kant, Hegel, Hume, Hobbes, Locke...and all the rest...from creation to evolution, from heaven to relative and quantum physics, from the Bible to Paradise Lost....always looking for the Purpose. At the end of things, I realize that God does exist, but unlike I had been taught...He made me this way for a reason I do not understand. I have been suffering all the years of my life, and I don't know why. If God loved us, then why did He make us to suffer? No one, nor all the tomes of human knowledge, has told me why...and God has been silent.
So tonight, on my island, I look not at the uncertain, frightful sea...only the abyss. There is no where else for me to go, no where else to turn, save inward...and there is nothing left there. So here I am, once again...without regret, seperated from the normal human condition...and take that step, that all of us will one day take, alone...into oblivion. I wish I was never born. I don't know if I'm going through with it...I am scared. But nothing holds me back, save fear...the likelyhood is pretty good that I will. If I do...goodbye gentle reader and thank you for listening.

A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem
January 7th, 1973---?

[lady amarant]

We've all been where you are - not your circumstances, but how absolutely hopeless you are feeling right now. I was poised to to take that final step more than a few times myself.

All I can advise is this: Take a while. Spend some time at Susan's, maybe join a few other forums and just chat - you'll find that there's a lot of hard-earned experience around here, and just maybe one somebody gives you that key bit of advice that opens a door for you. After a while, if you still feel as you do now, you can always take a bow then. Ultimately that is our most sacred right, in my opinion - to choose how and when our lives end.

As to being institutionalised - I hear you, but maybe exactly because of that, you're not considering all the alternatives. With the kind of experience and skills you have, any private firm would be salivating to hire you as a security consultant, especially in our terrorism-infected world. Once out of the military and into private life, you have more options, and can start gradually moving in the direction you want, rather than as dictated by superiors.

Just give it some thought.

Love and Best Wishes,

Simone

[Melissa-kitty]

Hi, Aurelius.
Wow.. so many things you say are familiar to me.
I was also in the military for many years, lifelong hidden GID, so much self-hiding, so much intellectualizing to cover what is the seething underneath. There is more to life, you know. Think of the wild ones outside of the Great Conversation. Lao Tse, Osho, Meister Eckhart, Buddha. They knew. I have read once that philosophy and the religious life is rehab for people who can't take life. I think that has a big point. There is more for you. You have built an artificial life, structured and false. Ok. Everybody does it, but maybe not as well as you did. It never really works, friend.
Now life really begins for you. Everything you had and built is like sand. That's the way we really are. Now maybe you can live. Discover. You may find that life is so much better soon. With much more emotional highs and lows, but it feels more real.
Find a good psychologist. Start. Explore fearlessly. Feel intensely. Hope.
You may yet be human.
Namaste, Tara

[cindybc]

Hi Aurelius.
Well I must say that I to can relate to much of what you have disclosed to us, especially about the loneliness and the fear of the unknown as well as the uncertainty on taking the only choice offered to me. Well GID will lead you to a one way street with no other choice. Transition and harmonize and balance the inside with the outside. There is no other way my friend, not if you truly are TS.

Cindy

[Melissa-kitty]

Also, the Transgender American Veteran's Association may be of interest and help to you. tava.org.
Namaste, Tara

[Kimberly]

^*HUG*
Just a little nothing from someone whom liked your words enough to track down the start, yet can't bring herself to say anything.

[pennyjane]

hi aurelius.  as a former military functionary myself i want to bid my fond welcome and statement of support for the problems at hand.

first, you are not separated from the "normal" human condition.  you are deeply embedded in just that.

heterosexual?  i wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.  you have so many insights yet to come concerning your sexuality that trying to classify yourself right now is an exercise in futility.  as a woman, the potential for you being involved with sex between two men is not even a possiblity for you, don't even look that way...there are no answers there.  you are "tbd"  <to be determined>

Schitzoid?  probably, but it's the related dysphoria that can be treated, mitigating any negative affects of the schitzoid personality.  that label doesn't mean much standing alone.  i think the vast majority of the human race can be classified as schitzoid to one degree or another.

isolated?  that's a biggie.  humans were not programmed at creation for isolation.  as a one we will not survive individually nor as a species.  we have to interact with others of our own kind or we will go nuts.  you have started getting after that one and i think your priorities are in order.  defeat that, reach out...as you have here...but in other places as well.  listen to others who have insight into your current dilemnas and reach out to those who have no idea of where you are coming from...both are valuable resources providing perspective and potential for your own understanding.

military?  keep your mouth shut!  find a way to separate from there with whatever benefits you have earned as yet and get out of dodge.  the military is utterly unprepared to deal with identity issues that aren't wrapped around mission.  whatever comes along to complicate mission accomplishment is the enemy and must be destroyed.  that is the military mindset....it is necessary for a successful military even as detrimental as it is to individuals.  don't hold it against them, just recognize and face the reality of your individual incompatibility with that particular genre.

realtionships?  the glass ain't half empty, it's half full.  you have no realtionship to tear down before you build a good and lasting one.  in that you have been smart and you have been loving....shows a lot of promise for when that "one" comes along.  take your time, you will do well.

lose the shame and guilt.  it's misplaced.  it's not yours and has no place in your home...kick it out.  don't fantasize about what should have been or feel sorry for yourself that things haven't worked out all that well for you at this point, it's time now, and you have already started down the road, to make it right...right for you in the real world.  you can do it and you will.

God bless with....

[Aurelius]

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted that. I have to say I was wallowing in self pity around that time. And then I disappeared for awhile...thank you everyone for your kind advice and replies.

Around March of this year, I won't get into details as it encompasses more than just this issue, I decided to leave work early, go to a out-door emporium and buy a shot-gun. I couldn't get one at first, my TN license expired back in 2003, I had not renewed my military ID, my life was a running chaos but I was determined...I went home and got a copy of my orders. I was able to buy the gun. Not wanting to arouse suspicion, I went to WalMart to buy the shells. As I was leaving the parking lot, for the first time in my life I rammed a parked car; and for the first time in my life, did not stay to except responsibility.

When I got home I sat on the couch, and put the barrel of the gun in my mouth. It scared the living hell out of me, I have seen what guns do to people. So I made the excuse to go for a drive, up north some where, and to do it somewhere remote in the woods. I did not want to make a statement, I really just didn't want to be here anymore.

So I drove...and drove..and drove..for many hours. Around midnight I was in the upper peninisula, around Sault St Marie, and was faced with the Canadian border. Time to fish or cut bait. It was time.

I turned around and drove back, and many hours later parked my car at work, where shortly my friend, and boss, came up to the window...and I gave him the gun.

I wound up in the psych ward for seven days. No one, not even my friend who lived five minutes away, came to visit me.

When I got out, I had a beard (they don't let you shave in there). I had to get a cab, as no one had the time to pick me up. When I returned to the office, I read the daily report that everybody in the command reads, and found out I was fired two days before. Surely, it seemed, my career was over.

Not really so. I had actually been relieved from recruiting duty under "good of the service" which means no negative action would be taken on me. But I remained in a state of disgrace and treated with kid gloves. I had spent the past six months in counseling, and had to fight to be able to reenlist and prove I wasn't crazy. Not once, throughout the whole process, did I ever hint at GID in any form, not even the counselors. My cover story has always been that I had lost a wife and son many years ago, which explains my solitude.

So now, with at least knowing I can retire in three years, and still here in Michigan waiting for orders...I remain in limbo.

I don't think too much on my GID. I know its there. But there is simply nothing I can do about it. I think, for me, the true realization came when I asked myself this question: if I could take a pill, and this pill would make me completely "normal", that is to say masculine in the purest sense, with no regret whatsoever: would I? The answer was always "no".

So I don't really know what I am. I am only me. I am not a woman, and it would be useless to call myself something I am not. If I put on a dress and makeup, I am a man in a dress and makeup. I get no positive feelings from it. I was born a man and that's what I am for now.

Taking that step, now or in the future, would utterly destroy so many other things that are important to me...but now, I am unafraid of the future. If I did take that step, there would be no going back. But I'm not really sure I ever will...I am not known for half-assing anything.

So, I am here for now, amongst my own people. You can find me, more than likely over in the philosophy section, or stirring the waters in politics and religion. It's healthy for me, and I have no doubt will find opinions different than mine, and Thank God everyone here knows what my edge truly is...and let me talk openly for the first time in my life.

Thanks everybody.

Chris

[lady amarant]

Hey Chris,

I am glad you're here.

~Simone.