Wife getting upset

[Melody Rich]

I do not try to present myself as a woman.  Mostly the things I wear are not noticeable.

So, only two a few weeks ago, my wife told me that whatever makes me feel better and it's my own money.

Now she's telling me that it's starting to get out of hand.

She's giving me mixed messages here.

I feel like I lose no matter what I do.  I can stop, and just be depressed.  Or I can continue, until she divorces me then be depressed.

I'm almost 60, and I just want my life to end at this point.  I'm so tired of the struggle to be happy and not feel crazy

[BlueJaye]

One of two things will happen, and there is no way to predict which way it will go. Either your wife learns to love you regardless of your clothes, or she will choose clothing preference over marriage. I wish there was something more I could say, but she either learns to accept what is best for you, or she leaves for what us convenient and comfortable for her.

[Melody Rich]

One of two things will happen, and there is no way to predict which way it will go. Either your wife learns to love you regardless of your clothes, or she will choose clothing preference over marriage. I wish there was something more I could say, but she either learns to accept what is best for you, or she leaves for what us convenient and comfortable for her.

. Or, I stop and just be unhappy.

[Jessica_Rose]

I'm almost 60, and I just want my life to end at this point.  I'm so tired of the struggle to be happy and not feel crazy

You aren't crazy. Someone else's happiness is not worth your life. If there isn't a compromise which will allow both of you to enjoy your life together, then parting may be the best option for both of you. Please find a therapist, someone with experience, someone who may be able to help you navigate this minefield.

I transitioned at 55, and my wife was exceptionally upset. That was six years ago. In June we will celebrate our 40th Anniversary. It isn't easy, but there is plenty of time to find a solution.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

  * Trans Lifeline: Provides peer support and crisis intervention for
    transgender and non-binary people. Call: 1-877-565-8860 or
    Visit: https://translifeline.org/

  * The Trevor Project: Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention
    services for LGBTQ+ youth. Call: 1-866-488-7386 or visit:
    Visit: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

  * The Trevor Project's resources for parents and allies:
    https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/friends-family-support-systems-for-lgbtq-youth/

  * The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Offers support and
    for people with mental health conditions, including LGBTQ+ individuals.
    Visit: https://www.nami.org/Home

  * The Jed Foundation: Provides mental health resources and suicide prevention
    information for teens and young adults, including LGBTQ+ youth.
    Visit: https://jedfoundation.org/

[Brooke Renee]

Hi Melody,

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this turmoil on the home front.  We've been dealt a bizarre hand of cards, that is for sure.  You and I are of similar "vintage" and we have lived our lives trying to be what everyone has expected of us.  We built relationships and lived lives that are in many ways a facade. 

However, those relationships can create an opportunity for a conversation.  More specifically, an opportunity for dialogue where the only goal of the interaction is to communicate for understanding.  People on the outside often see what we do as an action versus understanding why we are and more specifically, that our situation is not a choice. 

I do not know your exact situation but perhaps that could be the discussion with your wife.  Maybe she could begin to understand that we have very few tools to alleviate gender dysphoria, presentation in any form helps. 

A therapist can help facilitate this if needed but in the end, it is about facts and hopefully a greater understanding can help you find the middle ground that it sounds like you seek. 

I wish you the very best,

Hugs

Brooke

[Melody Rich]

Most helpful.  Thank you.

[BlueJaye]

. Or, I stop and just be unhappy.

Given that you said you just want your life to end, and you are countering that by posting here, I'd make an educated guess that you're crying for help and hoping that you can manage not to end your life.

You can't control your wife. She's going to do whatever it is that she's going to do. But you can control your own life and how much suffering you endure. A lot of us here have been at your point, where living as your assigned gender was causing a life and death conflict. I was there myself in 2018. I made it through a near suicide attempt, decided to transition, went through two years of separation from my wife and only saw my six kids on weekends, and ultimately things worked out and we reconciled.

I don't know what the road ahead will be like with your wife, but you sound like you're at the end of the "man" road, and you either take the exit ramp onto life as a woman or your ride is over regardless of your wife's reaction.

You'll definitely be without her if you're dead; but there is at least a chance that you can still have a relationship of some variety with her if you stay alive and transition.

[BlueJaye]

I have a friend who was a member here a long time ago who transitioned medically, had surgery and low dose HRT, but still lives and presents as a man. I'm not saying that is the answer for you, but I want you to know that the horizon of possible paths forward is broader than you might realize.

[Jessica_K]

I call them the dark moments, Melody, but moments are what they should be, someone here knows of my dark moments, and really helped, talking to someone really helps as it is never as dark as your mind is telling you. Staying together after coming out is hard, the shock for one thing and shock can produce reactions that were not expected. I am still living with my non accepting wife, we have found solutions that at least for now means we can stay together in the same house and I could transition. Nobody knows what the future will bring but to have that future you need life. You are not alone.

Hugs
Jessica
Xxx

[Melody Rich]

Thank you, everyone.  Clearly, I am quite depressed and anxiety ridden.

I have a therapist appointment on Friday.  This will be my 9th therapist during my lifetime.

I hate re-hashing my life story, the abused suffered by me and my siblings, etc.

My wife is tired of therapy as well, especially when our last therapist went to prison for insurance fraud and our therapy sessions became federal evidence,...so embarrassing and a violation of trust.

She's expressed that she'd prefer to not attend.  She's a very private person and more concerned about what others think than I.

I really appreciate everyone's help.  I feel so alone much of the time.  In my lifetime, I seem to only get one or two friends.  Most of my family has either passed away, or have deeper psychological issues which causes them to retreat into isolation.

I am grateful for this little group of anonymous friends.

[Eileen]

 Dear Melody,

 Your story is sadly very familiar. Your wife doesn't want to go therapy because, in her mind, you're the one with the problem. You didn't provide a lot of information, I gather you underdress?
 Of all the destructive things a husband could do, cheating, beating, gambling, drugs, wearing a bra is the least of her worries.

 I have a dim view of therapists. That you enjoy underdressing has little to do with childhood. They're trying to fix you. Find some middle ground where your wife is less aggravated, and you are less depressed is where discussions should head.
 Just don't wear feminine thing to bed.

 Denying your needs makes for a tense relationship. She's happy and blissfully ignorant how depressed you feel. She should be aware how a little bit of compromise could make you both happy.

 Best of luck.

 Hugs, Eileen

 

[REM.1126]

I don't know whether the abuse you suffered is related to your gender or not.  I have ideas about some of the causes of Gender Dysphoria (GD), but they don't necessarily speak to everyone.  All I really know much about is my own experience, and even that is foggy in some areas. 

Regardless, I have GD and I have a wife.  She has known about me having GID for nearly 20 years, and we are still together.  That said, the relationship isn't everything either of us hoped for.  We love each other (at least, I love her and she seems to love me). 

I haven't taken HRT for GD.  I do take medicine to control a sex hormone deficiency. I had to take medication to start puberty; I didn't make the right mix of hormones naturally.  I still take Clomiphene Citrate because having no T made me feel physically sick.  And, my T level was too low for the lab to detect it.  Every lab tech in the lab ran the test themselves, sure that the others had screwed it up.  It couldn't be ZERO.  (I'm not sure why my doctor told me that, but he did).  I suspect the E was still too low to compensate for the lack of T.

Regarding coping with GD, my wife doesn't want me to do anything other than suffer it.  But, she has said that as long as she doesn't see it, and isn't aware of it, she won't make a deal of it (whatever it is I might do).

HRT would show.  She would divorce me.  She keeps pretty good track of me (find my iPhone), and on occasion she has asked what I was doing at "X" (location).  I responded:

"I don't know what to say.  I don't want to lie to you.  I agreed not to talk about certain things.  And, I can't answer your questions without doing one of those things.  Which do you want me to do?"  She stared at me for a few seconds and said "never mind."

Perhaps you can find a way to cope as you may without her being aware.  By that I mean, she would be aware that from time to time you will do whatever makes you comfortable, but you will be discreet enough so that she doesn't personally deal with it.

If that doesn't work for both of you, it doesn't work at all.  And, even if it works for now, it may not work forever.  I can't say I know my own GD won't get worse and I then I MUST do something she finds unacceptable.  I am just going to do my best to be satisfied with life (which may require transition, but doesn't right now), experience as much joy in life as I can, and try to having loving relationships in my life. 

[Melody Rich]

I do wear women's underwear to bed.  I do not own men's.  Things are a bit stable for now.  Instead of dressing more femininely, I have decorated my office at work for the working woman.  It's my calm place where I feel good.  There, I can do all my nursing paperwork and IT stuff without disruption and in peace and comfort.  That's a great help.  My coworkers could care less.  I am the only one who can do my job, which is quite complicated and provides the institution with federal reimbursement.

[Eileen]

 Panties are fine, I'd even allow a nightgown on chilly nights.
That's really good that you can decorate your private work space. Your probably there more hours than in bed anyway.
 It would be best in the long run if dear wife became more educated. You're not a weirdo, just one that needs some feminine wear to feel complete.

 Hugs, Eileen

[Paulie]

Dear Melody,

Female clothing to bed is not ok unless she indicated that it is.  Even if she say's it's okay at some point, it still might not be.  This is a hard time for SO's.  They will often go between accepting the situation, and feeling hurt and angry.  Sometime in the same day.  Please understand, she is angry because she feels hurt.

The bed is where you shared your most intimate moments as a male/female couple. She maybe able to accept some of you behavior in some other settings, the bedroom will most often be the last.  In the bed, they want the man they married, not another woman.

Panties would be fine under male or androgynous pajamas of some type.   

Every situation is different and I can't begin to tell you exactly how to make your's work.  There's a lot of good resources here at Susan's and I think you've gotten a lot of good advice.  All I can offer is, tread lightly in the bedroom, if you want the relationship to survive. 

I wish you the best.

Paulie.

[Allie Jayne]

I read all these comments and I am sad. Relationships are challenging with Gender Dysphoria, and too many fail. We need to realise that gender incongruence is locked into our brains before we are born, it isn't something we choose, or something we can change. Conditions which conflict with our gender identity cause dysphoria, and this can get severe enough to destroy our health. So it is not wise to ignore dysphoria.

Anything you do to affirm your gender identity will reduce dysphoria, but it can be short lived. We don't have to dress or transition, merely thinking affirming thoughts can help. I have achieved relief by writing fiction stories, taking on typical female activities, or growing my nails out just a bit. Friends have used female avatars in gaming

But this is all just temporary relief, and doesn't solve the problem with spouses. Think about why they love you, and you might find it includes some characteristics from being trans. If she can learn that you were born this way, it is part of why she loves you, and that you want to work with her to find ways to keep you both together, and you healthy, she just might come around some.

I discussed these things with my wife, and she committed to stay with me and work with me to find solutions. We were partners in marriage and in all decisions related to trans. She saw that I tried my best to accommodate her dreams, and realised that transition was life saving for me. She drove me to hospital for my GRS, and cared for me after, but in the end, it was too much for her. We parted, but remained best friends. We both realise that I had to transition to get my dysphoria down to sustainable levels, and we both decided to do it. We had 30 great years, and both feel we did everything we could. All you can do is work with her to find a way forward, and know it may or may not work. I can tell you from experience, ignoring dysphoria eventually leads to disaster.

Hugs,

Allie