Help me understand

[Jessica_Rose]

What I need help with is understanding why so many people say that a transperson is the same before coming out and after transitioning? Doesn't the word transition mean to change? If they were the same, why all the trouble to transition at all? I always thought it sounded demeaning to transpeople to say they are the same before and after, but maybe it comes down to each person's definition of "same" or maybe even their definition of "being" or "are"? A transperson might say they feel the same because how they experience who they are is different from how others experience who they are.

For a long time after I came out to my wife I told her that I would still be the same person, but I would just present as a different gender. The further down the road I went, the more I started doubting this thought. A few weeks ago I finally realized that I am not the person that I used to be, and that is a good thing. Maybe the change is more profound for me because I suppressed who I was for so long.

What is the same? My memories, including some things I would like to forget. My sense of loyalty and honor. My love for my wife and daughters. My love for them and the rest of my family feels much deeper than it was before (maybe that is a difference?).

What is different? My frustration, anger, and rage are gone. My need to win, or be 'first' is gone. I realized that love is beautiful, no matter what genders are involved. I have much more empathy. I am no longer a loner. I enjoy starting conversations with strangers. I am not afraid to move with the music in public. I am patient, and more thoughtful. My name does not have to come first. I am not frightened of the future. I have more confidence in myself than I have ever had in my life. I am happy.

I am sure there are more differences, but I have had a long day!

No, I am not the same person, I am a better person. Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Sylvia]

For a long time after I came out to my wife I told her that I would still be the same person, but I would just present as a different gender. The further down the road I went, the more I started doubting this thought. A few weeks ago I finally realized that I am not the person that I used to be, and that is a good thing. Maybe the change is more profound for me because I suppressed who I was for so long.

What is the same? My memories, including some things I would like to forget. My sense of loyalty and honor. My love for my wife and daughters. My love for them and the rest of my family feels much deeper than it was before (maybe that is a difference?).

What is different? My frustration, anger, and rage are gone. My need to win, or be 'first' is gone. I realized that love is beautiful, no matter what genders are involved. I have much more empathy. I am no longer a loner. I enjoy starting conversations with strangers. I am not afraid to move with the music in public. I am patient, and more thoughtful. My name does not have to come first. I am not frightened of the future. I have more confidence in myself than I have ever had in my life. I am happy.

I am sure there are more differences, but I have had a long day!

No, I am not the same person, I am a better person. Love always -- Jessica Rose

Strangely my partner became the better person BEFORE starting hormones. In the months leading up to it, while we were still discussing, he became like you, Jessica. So much more patient, empathetic, loving and just NICE. This carried on for the first three or four months on hormones. Suddenly, 5 months into HRT he has changed back into the angry, impatient, intolerant and unhappy man he had been in the past. Only this time it's much worse. I don't understand. He doesn't understand - he says it's just like a switch has been flicked. It was supposed to make things better, not a million times worse.

[Jessica_Rose]

Strangely my partner became the better person BEFORE starting hormones. In the months leading up to it, while we were still discussing, he became like you, Jessica. So much more patient, empathetic, loving and just NICE. This carried on for the first three or four months on hormones. Suddenly, 5 months into HRT he has changed back into the angry, impatient, intolerant and unhappy man he had been in the past. Only this time it's much worse. I don't understand. He doesn't understand - he says it's just like a switch has been flicked. It was supposed to make things better, not a million times worse.

I am saddened to hear that. Once I understood where my anger came from it became easier to control, it started fading with Estradiol, and Spironolactone made it nearly vanish. Although I say my anger is gone, there is still one thing that can bring it back out of hiding -- intentional, willful, dead-naming. That is more painful to me than I ever imagined. I am a little on edge at times because I am afraid that something may complicate my plans for GCS in April, but it is nothing more intense than spilled milk. It sounds like something is still missing in your partners life, maybe they are afraid of the future, maybe they feel the need to transition soon and realize they are not ready, maybe they still aren't sure if this is the right path -- and it may not be. We are all searching for something, and sometimes the paths we take are dead ends. If possible, continue being supportive, but I realize that can be nearly impossible to do when your partner is back to the angry person they used to be.

My anger and rage were so intense that I would punch holes in walls, break dishes, yell at my wife for things I did. I truly don't understand why she stayed with me for all of those years. I have asked her why, and she said it's because she loves me. The person I used to be was not worthy of someone who has that much love to give.

I am still trying to convince my wife that her experience could help others on these forums, maybe you will see her soon.

[Melody Rich]

I can only express my personal story.

I came out to my wife after 14 years of marriage.  She was extremely upset.

The truth is I don't understand it either.  I know that some research suggest it is a variation in human development. 

My wife and I went into therapy for many years.  In that time, I learned that my childhood was not as normal as I had thought.  There was physical and emotional abuse and neglect.  Later, I learned that my step father sexually abused my siblings and me.

Research shows that childhood trauma, is also a factor.  In addition to gender dysphoria, I was diagnosed with PTSD and Borderline Personality d/o.

I was always an angry person, prone to violence.  This was not only due to my childhood, but suppressing and denying the feelings of femininity and wanting to be a female.  Having that all bottled up inside, creates pressure, anger and resentment.

I have been married 34 years this month.  Our relationship has evolved a bit.  I am not transitioning and am not fully out, but she supports me.  I take her lead with my transition, if it is to occur at all.  She recognizes the struggle and is working on it.  It's like getting into a hot tub, you need to go slowly in order to feel comfortable.

What is most important to me is my wife and family.  Perhaps because mine was so chaotic and destructive.  Keeping my marriage together and living is far more important to me that appearing to be a woman, but I also need to be free.

This is how she and I do it.  Mutual respect for one another's needs.