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Welcome Significant Others

Started by Moonflower, February 17, 2024, 06:12:01 PM

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Moonflower

I offer my perspective to significant others who feel shocked, betrayed, or severely disappointed by the discovery that their partner, parent, sibling, or child isn't who they thought they were. I offer a shoulder to cry on as you figure out what all of this means and as you decide how you will navigate this unexpected path. The timing may seem to be the worst possible for this disruption. Some day, it might make sense.

I am the significant other/life partner/beloved/ardent admirer of a trans woman. When I was a teenager, I felt infuriated by sex roles, stereotypes, expectations, job titles (e.g., chairMAN, fireMAN; seamstress vs tailor, housekeeper vs maintenance man), and dress codes. I enthusiastically enjoyed associating with homosexual and bisexual people just before AIDS began making news. Then I desperately tried to fit in with a certain family, which didn't work well.

A couple decades later, I discovered that the love of my life is a woman who has a few of the characteristics of a man, but not the core being of a man. Since she was 4 years old, she had put a lot of effort into being the boy and man that she was taught and pressured to be, and it never fit her. I think it's like spending your life training to be a gymnast, but never being able to get your body to balance on a beam or roll into a somersault. Or maybe like trying to fit in with an incompatible family.

For the past 25 years, I've been encouraging her to feel safe being herself at home alone and then with me. Now she's finding that being herself in public places can be safe and gratifying. Accompanying her is a thrill.

I'm delighted to have the opportunity to discover that my rage at sex roles etc. makes me perfectly suited to being an advocate for other trans and nonbinary people, too. That's why I enjoy hanging out at Susan's Place so much. Many women here have been hurt badly, like my very dear sweetheart. Many have heart-wrenching stories. Like you, they need an ear and open heart.

I hope you'll find this to be a healing place to work through your confusion, overwhelm, and frustration. I hope to encourage you to be a powerful advocate, but you are free to choose a different path. We wish you well, either way.
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html

Northern Star Girl

@Moonflower
Dear Moonflower:
I am happy to see that you have started your new thread here on
the "Significant Others talk" sub-forum.

Your experiences and explanations regarding your Significant Other and
the trials and tribulations that you both are working through are a
wonderful and affirming testimony to how you are successfully working out
the kinks in your relationship and your continued transition life endeavors.

I trust that you will achieve and enjoy Success and Happiness.

Thank you for posting your comments and thoughts. 
I will be eagerly following your thread as you continue to
feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS, and my best wishes to you and your sweetheart.
Danielle
  [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator
****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !

Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.

             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the Hunted Prey : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: Alaskan Danielle's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 44 years old and Single

        Email:  --->  alaskandanielle@
                             yahoo.com
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    The following users thanked this post: Moonflower

Moonflower

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on February 17, 2024, 09:12:27 PMYour experiences and explanations regarding your Significant Other and
the trials and tribulations that you both are working through are a
wonderful and affirming testimony to how you are successfully working out
the kinks in your relationship and your continued transition life endeavors.

Danielle, you remind me of one day a few years after we met and married. I had been hearing that the movie "Birdcage" was great fun. We had just finished watching it for the first of many times. My husband told me that he liked to wear skirts. That launched us into voraciously reading together and talking about about how his story was similar to and different from others who were drag queens and cross dressers and transwomen and transmen and intersex...

I kept my feelings to myself. I felt disappointed that he had kept this very significant secret from me, of all people,  who prided myself in my open-mindedness. It took a couple of years for me to get over feeling constantly on edge, alert to indications of other secrets. That dissipated when none showed up.

I understand now that he didn't consider it a secret. It was something that he thought he had left behind and gotten over. Our talking brought to light what his choices really were. He couldn't really delete it.

Now that she has been living full-time as a woman at home, I've come to clearly see that the person whom I fell in love with at the moment when he introduced himself, was her -- daring to be her. Entirely uncharacteristic of his reclusive persona. But I love all of this person. I especially feel great when I see her being so happy expressing her genuine, deep, true, authentic self around other people. This is my reason for breathing.
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html

ChrissyRyan

Quote from: Moonflower on February 18, 2024, 09:22:40 AMDanielle, you remind me of one day a few years after we met and married. I had been hearing that the movie "Birdcage" was great fun. We had just finished watching it for the first of many times. My husband told me that he liked to wear skirts. That launched us into voraciously reading together and talking about about how his story was similar to and different from others who were drag queens and cross dressers and transwomen and transmen and intersex...

I kept my feelings to myself. I felt disappointed that he had kept this very significant secret from me, of all people,  who prided myself in my open-mindedness. It took a couple of years for me to get over feeling constantly on edge, alert to indications of other secrets. That dissipated when none showed up.

I understand now that he didn't consider it a secret. It was something that he thought he had left behind and gotten over. Our talking brought to light what his choices really were. He couldn't really delete it.

Now that she has been living full-time as a woman at home, I've come to clearly see that the person whom I fell in love with at the moment when he introduced himself, was her -- daring to be her. Entirely uncharacteristic of his reclusive persona. But I love all of this person. I especially feel great when I see her being so happy expressing her genuine, deep, true, authentic self around other people. This is my reason for breathing.


I am glad that you two are making for a warm, understanding, and loving relationship.

That is very nice.


Chrissy
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.
Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Be brave, be strong.  Try a little kindness.  I am a brown eyed brunette. 
  •  

Moonflower

I'm remembering when my sweetheart decided to try estrogen/hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in 2018. Here at Susan's Place, I found so many great stories and so much important information about the choices. It was very encouraging for us.

I was still the only one who she had told, and I had told no one anything abour her being transgender, except people on Susan's, with her permission. After all, this was about her, not me. Susan's has been a perfectly safe place to further explore what is unique and what it common about her experience. But, we had to change that in order to identify resources for HRT.

She asked me to talk with my therapist at my next appointment, and ask if she had any suggestions for trans resources. My therapist said that she doubted that anyone else in the entire county was transgender, but, as a college professor, she'd ask around. A week later, she told me that a center for trans services was right across the street -- and that it was very busy! She said that it was probably primarily for students, so we hesitated to contact them.

Next, my sweetheart asked our primary care physician for resources. She was familiar with local resources for transmen but said she'd ask around about transwoman resources.

Eventually we found out that our local Planned Parenthood was adding trans services to their offerings, so she became one of their first trans patients. During her first visit, their team thoroughly assessed her, and then the supervising physician discussed HRT with us. She explained the health risks with great concern, and said that she would only prescribe estrogen for my sweetheart if she took a statin and monitored her cholesterol. We agreed. That didn't work.

My sweetheart's skin reacted to different patch adhesives with painful, erupting red oozy spots. Her belly was in pain from the statin. She tried to stay on the regimen for a month or so, but finally gave up, deciding that the consequences outweighed the benefits.

Now she's getting ready to try again. She'll be meeting with a highly-recommended endocrinologist in a week. We understand that her experience will likely be very different.  We'll let you know...
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html
  •  
    The following users thanked this post: Sarah B

Moonflower

HRT [Hormone Replacement Therapy] is going smoothly. Minimal irritation from the patch adhesive. As Jessica_Rose said here, oil removes the adhesive that insists on sticking to her skin and turns black. As her endocrinologist predicted, estrogen is  making her even happier.

Her last lipid panel showed that her cholesterol numbers were excellent!

Today, she introduced herself as a woman to my kids. She has been telling each person in a personalized letter, but she wanted to be face to face with each individual kid.

My youngest was the first. Lots of love and appreciation all around. No problems, but it was emotionally exhausting after hiding it and worrying about it for all of these years. Then we felt that it was more important to tell my other kids asap before they heard it through the grapevine, so she emailed each one a letter addressing what we expect their concerns to be, and gently (hopefully) inspiring them to respond kindly. Now we wait for their responses.
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html

Moonflower

My youngest asked, "any book recs with trans main characters? maybe 1-2, not 100 please!! 😘 Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult is the only one i've read".

I responded, "Jodi's coauthor Jennifer Boylan wrote her story of coming out as a transwoman, a classic, She's Not There, 2016".

I thought I'd start reading it again so it would be fresh in my memory . . . except . . . I have no memory of it. I'm stunned that I read so much about trans and by Jenny Boylan but completely missed this book?! I must have forgotten it.

I'm in the third chapter of the 2013 updated edition. So many similarities with my wife! Such a fun read as she takes us through her story.

My other two kids responded with similarly open hearts and kind respect. Another hurdle crossed. The next one is April 1 prostate/bladder surgery that must be done before her gender-related surgery. We wish it was an April Fool's Day joke, but it, too, will address a lifelong problem. Recovery will be great!
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html

Oldandcreaky

I am Moonflower's fangirl.

Sarah B

Hi Moonflower & O&C

I'm Moonflower's number one fan.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
@Oldandcreaky
@Moonflower
Be who you want to be.
Sarah's Story
Feb 1989 Living my life as Sarah.
Feb 1989 Legally changed my name.
Mar 1989 Started hormones.
May 1990 Three surgery letters.
Feb 1991 Surgery.
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imallie

If we're placing orders for "Team Moonflower" t-shirts, sweatshirts, or satin jackets, please sign me up for one. Well, maybe two. I tend to spill on things and I like a spare!

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    The following users thanked this post: Moonflower

Sarah B

Hi Moonflower and Allie

I have come up with a design for our merchandise:


All proceeds will go to Moonflower, in her endeavours to help us.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B Moonflower's number one fan.
Photo by ricardoreitmeyer
@imallie
@Moonflower
Be who you want to be.
Sarah's Story
Feb 1989 Living my life as Sarah.
Feb 1989 Legally changed my name.
Mar 1989 Started hormones.
May 1990 Three surgery letters.
Feb 1991 Surgery.
  •  
    The following users thanked this post: Moonflower

Moonflower

Quote from: Sarah B on March 17, 2024, 05:18:51 AMHi Moonflower and Allie

I have come up with a design for our merchandise:


All proceeds will go to Moonflower, in her endeavours to help us.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B Moonflower's number one fan.
Photo by ricardoreitmeyer
@imallie
@Moonflower

🥰 All proceeds will go to Susan to keep this Place alive ❤️
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html
  •  
    The following users thanked this post: Sarah B

Moonflower

If you have reached the point of wanting to be a trans ally, you might find this inspiring, whether you are a parent, partner, neighbor, sibling, or child

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 17, 2024, 07:18:24 AM40 Essential Tips, Rules, And Guidelines For Parents Of Trans Kids

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/40-essential-tips-rules-and-guidelines-for-parents-of-trans-kids/ar-AA19iRX5?ocid=windirect&cvid=72f0bc18d7d14115a873c48af0373d52&ei=16

Story by Grayson Schultz (Feb 2023)

You can judge a society by how it treats its most vulnerable residents. The target, so often, is the LGBTQ+ community, with especially sadistic sights on transgender kids.

The fact that this community is relatively small... is beside the point. Trans kids are suffering, and so many people in power in the U.S. seem hellbent not just on ignoring the suffering, but on making it worse. Trans kids have high rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidality — and gender-affirming care decreases those rates while discrimination increases them.

We all need to take a step back and to see the world through the eyes of a political ethicist, to hold up the religious, moral, and American democratic ideals to protect the powerless, those in the minority, those without a voice. We can start by giving parents of trans kids the knowledge to make informed choices about their child's care and the support to access that care, without a hate-based, anti-science political agenda getting in the way of it.

Here are 40 things that parents and experts want every parent of a trans kid to know, no matter the circumstances they find themselves in — to support their kid so they can grow up to be a healthy, happy trans adult.

1. Loving Your Trans Kid Makes All The Difference...


================================================================================

This is an old article, but I expect the original post was lost in the 'blip'. I think the first 'essential tip' list is probably the most important.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html
  •  
    The following users thanked this post: Sarah B

Moonflower

Intersex??????

You might be here at Susan's Place for different perspectives on gender identity. This forum shows the beautiful diversity within the transgender community.

Years ago, my wife and I came across an article, probably in Scientific American, about the numerous chromosome variations that can occur. It caught our eye on a magazine rack in a grocery store checkout line! I see that more recent internet articles seem to be updates on that line of research, so you might want to look into it.

We also saw a documentary, "Intersexion: Finding a Place in a Two-Gender World", which she really appreciated as it seemed to validate her experience as a possibly-intersex person.

We're careful about our attitude toward the possibility that she is intersex. Her endocrinologist simply pointed out that her sex characteristics are dominantly male, though she is "missing" masculine characteristics, even before her recent hormone replacement therapy. We don't think that being intersex makes anyone "more" trans, and don't want to try to justify her trans-ness by it, but we do celebrate her apparent chromosomal femaleness, though we have no lab test to prove it. She got her first estrogen blood level: it's "High" for a man, even though she's been on just a small dose of estrogen, which is another reason for celebration, especially after all of the concerns about the health risks from estrogen.

Somehow, we have the belief that if we ever feel the need to justify the reality of her trans-ness, explaining that she might be intersex would somehow make it more believable to transphobes. We use this argument between ourselves sometimes to help us stay connected with the reality of her "condition". We don't ever want to feel like we need that argument. We aim to stay in a supportive social circle, advocating for all transgender people. We especially sympathize with transwomen who are conspicuously masculine. That seems to us to make understanding trans-ism, and transitioning, enormously more difficult.

Thank you for being here. We are rooting for you, no matter what and when you choose to believe and act. We just want to support your journey in whatever ways we can.
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html

Moonflower

My wife is continuing to recover from her prostate/bladder surgery. Her gender surgeon wants her to heal for another month and a half before proceeding with gender confirmation surgery prep.

So, now she's proceeding with changing her name. We worked with a lawyer to petition the court, and then received her court order that allowed her to change her name and gender with a sealed file.

Now she's changing her name on all of her ID cards, accounts, and subscriptions. It's a big job. Each agency/company requires different evidence of her change. Some take her word for it over the phone or internet. Some require a certified copy of the court order. Others require a photocopy of her new driver's license.

We welcome any questions about the details.
:icon_wave:
1999 we met and married :icon_archery:
Fall 2018 The woman hiding behind my husband's facade is coming out full time! :icon_female:
She began MTF HRT but had adverse reactions, so gave up on transitioning medically.
Summer 2022 I went through gender confirmation surgery as a result of cancer.
2024 her cardiologist and a therapist wrote letters approving of resuming HRT, she's legally changing her name, and now she's getting on the calendar for gender surgery!

Welcome, to Significant Others
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247396.0.html

Our transitioning blog, "Opening The Cage"
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,241591.0.html

Northern Star Girl

@Moonflower
Dear Grace:

Thank you for sharing...  I am wishing you both success and happiness...
...and a quick healing for your wife.

I eagerly am following your story as you feel comfortable posting it.


MANY HUGS, .... and extra Hugs,
Danielle
[Northern Star Girl]
****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !

Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.

             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the Hunted Prey : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: Alaskan Danielle's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 44 years old and Single

        Email:  --->  alaskandanielle@
                             yahoo.com