I offer my perspective to significant others who feel shocked, betrayed, or severely disappointed by the discovery that their partner, parent, sibling, or child isn't who they thought they were. I offer a shoulder to cry on as you figure out what all of this means and as you decide how you will navigate this unexpected path. The timing may seem to be the worst possible for this disruption. Some day, it might make sense.
I am the significant other/life partner/beloved/ardent admirer of a trans woman. When I was a teenager, I felt infuriated by sex roles, stereotypes, expectations, job titles (e.g., chairMAN, fireMAN; seamstress vs tailor, housekeeper vs maintenance man), and dress codes. I enthusiastically enjoyed associating with homosexual and bisexual people just before AIDS began making news. Then I desperately tried to fit in with a certain family, which didn't work well.
A couple decades later, I discovered that the love of my life is a woman who has a few of the characteristics of a man, but not the core being of a man. Since she was 4 years old, she had put a lot of effort into being the boy and man that she was taught and pressured to be, and it never fit her. I think it's like spending your life training to be a gymnast, but never being able to get your body to balance on a beam or roll into a somersault. Or maybe like trying to fit in with an incompatible family.
For the past 25 years, I've been encouraging her to feel safe being herself at home alone and then with me. Now she's finding that being herself in public places can be safe and gratifying. Accompanying her is a thrill.
I'm delighted to have the opportunity to discover that my rage at sex roles etc. makes me perfectly suited to being an advocate for other trans and nonbinary people, too. That's why I enjoy hanging out at Susan's Place so much. Many women here have been hurt badly, like my very dear sweetheart. Many have heart-wrenching stories. Like you, they need an ear and open heart.
I hope you'll find this to be a healing place to work through your confusion, overwhelm, and frustration. I hope to encourage you to be a powerful advocate, but you are free to choose a different path. We wish you well, either way.