I have always been an introvert. My psychologist says that it is at least partly due to past traumas. I learned early on how to be alone without being lonely. I had to. In Middle School, I was introduced to the works of Edgar Allan Poe. The beginning of his poem, "Alone" brought me to tears.
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone—
And all I lov'd—I lov'd alone—I would always have a few friends, but no one that I could really share my innermost feelings with. I tried with my spouses, but there was no way to explain what I did not understand myself. In two years of therapy, I began to learn what I was going through enough to accept that this is who I am. I learned enough that I
could explain it to someone if they were willing to listen with an open mind.
The VA already knew that I was transgender. My Primary Care Physician submitted the consult to Mental Health Services. My Psychologist entered a diagnosis of "Gender Dysphoria" and recommended hormone therapy. This brought me back to my Primary, who then submitted a consult to Endocrinology to begin hormone therapy... medications being filled through the VA Pharmacy, and lab technicians who draw blood to monitor said hormones. So my entire Health Care Team was on board, and it was all documented in my health records. But no one else had a clue.
[SIDEBAR] Why do we call it "Gender" Dysphoria? We do not have a problem with our gender. It is Body Dysphoria, and it applies to people who are not transgender as well. We don't try to change our gender, we change our bodies to match our gender. [End Sidebar]
I am a very introspective person. I often think about my behaviors, appearance, and spirituality. Usually overthinking everything. I had gone through the process of accepting who I was and decided that I would no longer play the role I had been forced into my entire life. I was going to be ME.
BUT... (why is there always a but?) In my introspection, I often play the "What if?" game.
What if I tell everyone that I am transgender, and some new test comes along that proves conclusively that I am not?
What if my psychologist was WAY off base?
How do you go back and say "Oops, my bad"?
I don't think there would be any way to recover from that, except maybe to blame it on a brain tumor or something. This weighed heavily on my mind. I even asked my psychologist about this. I asked him how he knew that I am transgender and not a transvestite. Both are classified under the category of transvestism. He said, "We already covered that." Oh?
"Yes. Textbook transvestites are sexually aroused from cross-dressing, and you told me that you are not aroused, just comfortable as if it were nothing different."
Back and forth we went. I finally confessed that I had not come out to anyone and wasn't sure it was even necessary. He disagreed. So we drew up a sheet of Pros and Cons that I was to think over and fill in over the next month. The basic questions were:
1. By telling _______, how will that change their life? How will it change mine?
2. By not telling ________, how will that change their life? How will it change mine?
It was not as easy as it looked. I changed that list many, many times. And still got it wrong.
I jumped on the second question first because that is the easiest.
If I don't tell anybody, nobody knows and neither of us is affected. Easy.
But if I tell _____, then they will change their opinion of me. I could lose a friend/family member. Can I live with that? Hmmm. I don't know.
Eventually, the hormones will kick in and it will be difficult to hide my new look. WAIT!
If I hide who I am, play the role expected of me, then nothing has changed. That is obviously not the answer either.
I kept debating this with myself back and forth for months. In the meantime, I had set up a second email address as Lori Dee. I played a lot of online video games and expressed myself through that persona.
I expected the biggest resistance to come from my step-mother. She is a wonderful person, but a devout Catholic. If she disapproves of anything, my dad will follow suit. Next would be my brother. I have two living younger brothers. We lost the youngest in a tragedy when we were all kids. The oldest of the two did some despicable things to me decades ago and we haven't spoken since. My youngest brother and I were always close. I will try to broach the subject with him and maybe get some ideas about how to talk to my dad about this.
My brother is an Over-The-Road truck driver. Occasionally, his route will bring him into town, so we have a chance to catch up. COVID happened and we decided to pause meeting in person for a bit. He is a fundamentalist Christian with VERY strong opinions. When we did meet up, we barely got through the small talk and he began criticizing the words I used. I hadn't even gotten to a point where I could bring up important stuff. I had said "goddamn" and he heard me taking the Lord's name in vain. I told him it was one word not two. He rolled his eyes and I agreed to work on it. I waited on talking to him about more important issues
Several months went by and I sent my mom & dad an email. Just basic catching up, this is what happened this week kind of stuff. I am a gold prospector and they enjoy seeing photos of the Black Hills and reading about how much gold I hauled in that week. I hit send and realized that I had sent it to them from the wrong email address. [insert panic attack]
I quickly sent an email from my dead-name address explaining that I just used the wrong address. My dad called me and wanted to ask questions.
Why are you using an alias? I told him everything. I was three years into HRT and five years since I started therapy. He had a lot of questions and I explained it as best I could.
The next day, I got an email from my mom.
Here we go. She said that they would support me no matter what I was going through. If I preferred, they would address me as "Lori" and the bottom line is that I am loved no matter what. I was shocked, but it was SO welcomed.
Next, I got a phone call from my dad. He assured me that he loves me dearly, BUT...
he was there when I was born and I will
ALWAYS be his
SON. I tried to explain the difference between sex and gender but he had other things to do rather than listen to me. And he insisted on calling me "Larry".
I sent an email to my mom. I thanked her for being so supportive and agreeing to address me by my LEGAL NAME. I assured her that I understood that it did not mean she agreed with what I am doing, or even that she understands what I am doing. The fact that she was willing to try to comply with my wishes was greatly appreciated. After that, Dad changed his mind on how he should interact with me. He tries to call me Lori.
My brother called and told me that he and other family members were setting up a 50th wedding anniversary party for my parents. He invited me to join and help out.
Time to tell him. I explained that my appearance had changed dramatically since he last saw me, and told him the whole story. His last words to me were that I was "an abomination in the eyes of God" and that he was angry. He would never accept this. I told him I understood his feelings and that his reasoning was flawed. He has no authority to speak on behalf of God, and his refusal to accept me is due to his lack of knowledge on the subject. I said I will always love you, Brother. And he hung up.
Next was my cousin. Her father, my dad's brother, always lived fairly close to us. All of us kids grew up together. My brothers and I had no sisters, and my cousin had no brothers, so we got along more as siblings than cousins. I was talking to her on the phone and told her I had something important to tell her. I told her the story, the abridged version, not what I have been sharing here. She was delighted! Our conversation quickly changed to clothes and make-up and such. She begged me to send her pictures. I had taken a few over the years and sent her those. She called me back and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you are a prettier girl than you were a handsome man." Made my day.
Next, I called her dad, my favorite uncle. By then, word had spread. I told him my story. He asked a few questions, then said he didn't care what I did. It is MY life and he would love and support me no matter what. He has always been there for my family and I really thought he might become distant. Nothing changed. We are just as close as ever.
In a recent conversation with my dad, he brought up that I had "hid" this from him for years. I explained my Pros and Cons list and why I waited. He said that I had forgotten something that was a very important factor. In my deliberations, I never gave him a chance to decide for himself. By not being forthcoming, I was almost being dishonest. I assured him that I am no different now than I have been all my life. The only difference is that now he has information, intimate details, about my life that I had never shared before with anyone.
The moral of this story is that no matter how much you overthink it, it all boils down to honesty. When you deceive others, you are also deceiving yourself. Our entire transition is about being true to ourselves about who we are. Be honest with others too. Let them decide if they will accept it or not.
Some will accept it. Some will accept it and be supportive. Some will have nothing to do with you anymore. Do you need that negativity in your life? Probably not. Surround yourself with loving people who accept you for who you are. Everyone else is basing their decisions on appearances, bigotry, and/or misinformation. Help them understand. But allow them the courtesy to decide if they want to be a part of your life. It is
YOUR life after all. Live it!