Hello Freyalin Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMHi guys!
So I was here before. Long ago, back in 2006, under a different name, little 16 year old me made an introduction and then carried on trying to figure things out for another 17 years.
So do you remember the user name you used back then? If so any postings you made then, hopefully will still be there. Nearly everybody, tries to figure out what is going on with themselves. So you are not alone in this area.
I was here at Susan's in 2010 and I was around for about 2 years and I was able to learn things about myself and helped others.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMA lot of living in denial, trying to make masculinity work. Being functional but always having that lingering sadness in my mind.
There are a lot of members here on Susan's that have similar stories to what you have just mentioned above. If you read some of the member blogs, you will see the struggles that they have and how they resolved their issues.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMI've been in a relationship for over 12 years, no kids thankfully, but still have some anchors in my life. And for a long time I've been allowing myself to be distracted (unsuccessfully) by life in general. Trying to shove down feelings that will not stay down. I have so many regrets.
Those feelings will never go away, unless you deal with them, which I see you have done so, by going away and being yourself. Whats past is past and you cannot change what you have done. So learn from your past and move forward in your new life one step at a time.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMMy fiancé is abusive. She has severe mood swings, zero self-esteem or confidence. Continues to make terrible decisions and then takes it out on me. Mostly emotional but there's been shoving, hitting, threats of violence in the past and more recently as well. Schizophrenia runs in her family and it's starting to show. She has no friends, refuses to reconnect with people from her past, disregards anything family related. She's said in the past that I'm all she has if I ever left she'd probably just commit suicide. Which has been a huge burden for me. And it's scaring me every day I stay.
Read my previous post. The one thing you must do first, is too look after yourself. Domestic Violence whether physical or emotionally is Not Ok and needs to be dealt with. This is why a list of help lines has been provided for you.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMLately I've been able to have a few weekends away from home. Living a couple days at a time as my true self. It's really been amazing. It's reaffirmed what I've already known for years.
Don't I know the joy of living as myself, I was 30 years old when I changed my life around and if you have the time you can read about it in "Sarah's Story", there is a link at the bottom, which will take you to my story.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMOver the last couple months I've gone from not being able to step outside in girlmode, to spending entire weekends away, having dinner, drinks, and socializing with only a single change of guy clothes for the way home. It's been motivation for me to lose more weight than I ever have before and just general taking care of my body. Haven't started hrt yet but I'm getting closer to that first phone call. But I am taking huge strides in pre-hrt transition and I feel better than I ever have before.
Once you start you cannot stop, trust me I have been there. If you read my story you will know what happened to me in 1987 and 1988. One thing to keep in mind when you go for your HRT and that is
"Informed Consent", so I suggest that you read about it and allow no on to deter you from what you want.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMI've been making videos lately, I call them my therapy sessions, where I kind of pick a topic, or ramble, really I just talk. And it's the first time I've ever talked about any of this out loud, with my voice. When I go back to edit things, I get lost in the footage of me as a woman. I've cried more from these videos than my entire life combined. Voice isn't perfect, but I know I pass. What little things there are, somebody would have to know what to look for. I haven't posted the videos, don't know if I ever will, right now they're for me only, but I know they could help people.
Keep practising, there are a lot videos on how to practice speaking. One of the perks of being a female is you are allowed to cry and it allows you to relieve the stress that you are under. Passing is such a fundamental step and this allows you to progress a lot faster than you think.
There are a lot of YouTuber's out there doing exactly what you are doing. They do not mind 'coming out'. I, on the other hand, never ever come out to anyone, even transgender groups and I will think twice about telling a doctor about 'my condition' (my family does know about me and they accept me unconditionally).
It's up to you whether you tell anybody about what you are doing. In my opinion, the less people know the better you are off.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMNeedless to say I've made progress, but there is a whole new feeling of dread when these weekends have to come to an end. It's solidified the fact that I am committed to living full time female.
I've spent my entire life wishing I'd magically turn into a woman in my sleep. Hoping prayer would help. Hoping for society to become 100% accepting. If there is a God I think he's pointing me in this direction.
I was always wanting and longing to be a female, until one day I turned my life around in Feb 1989 and I have never looked back since then. So you are not alone and when you change your life around, everything else will fall into place.
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMI have a lot to figure out in my personal life. It's going to be really, really hard at times, I'm gonna have to change careers, probably go back to school, let go of a lot of friends and family. But I know I'll find new ones along the way. I'm scared of rejection but optimistic of my future.
If you read my 'story' you will come across a very brief summary of what I did to get SRS, GRS or whatever they call it now. I eventually changed careers, (going to university) after surgery and I let go of all my old friends and family (luckily when my family found out, they accepted me). If you want any help in this area please ask me, I'm more than willing to help you
Quote from: FreyaLinBella on March 13, 2024, 11:06:02 AMHey you, thanks for reading, I really look forward to connecting with people on here again.
freyalin
No thank you, for writing such a wonderful introduction about yourself. Best wishes for the future
HugsSarah BOffical Greeter