Hi everyone!

[FreyaLinBella]

Hi guys!

So I was here before. Long ago, back in 2006, under a different name, little 16 year old me made an introduction and then carried on trying to figure things out for another 17 years.

A lot of living in denial, trying to make masculinity work. Being functional but always having that lingering sadness in my mind.

I've been in a relationship for over 12 years, no kids thankfully, but still have some anchors in my life. And for a long time I've been allowing myself to be distracted (unsuccessfully) by life in general. Trying to shove down feelings that will not stay down. I have so many regrets.

My fiancé is abusive. She has severe mood swings, zero self-esteem or confidence. Continues to make terrible decisions and then takes it out on me. Mostly emotional but there's been shoving, hitting, threats of violence in the past and more recently as well. Schizophrenia runs in her family and it's starting to show. She has no friends, refuses to reconnect with people from her past, disregards anything family related. She's said in the past that I'm all she has if I ever left she'd probably just commit suicide. Which has been a huge burden for me. And it's scaring me every day I stay.

Lately I've been able to have a few weekends away from home. Living a couple days at a time as my true self. It's really been amazing. It's reaffirmed what I've already known for years.

Over the last couple months I've gone from not being able to step outside in girlmode, to spending entire weekends away, having dinner, drinks, and socializing with only a single change of guy clothes for the way home. It's been motivation for me to lose more weight than I ever have before and just general taking care of my body. Haven't started hrt yet but I'm getting closer to that first phone call. But I am taking huge strides in pre-hrt transition and I feel better than I ever have before.

I've been making videos lately, I call them my therapy sessions, where I kind of pick a topic, or ramble, really I just talk. And it's the first time I've ever talked about any of this out loud, with my voice. When I go back to edit things, I get lost in the footage of me as a woman. I've cried more from these videos than my entire life combined. Voice isn't perfect, but I know I pass. What little things there are, somebody would have to know what to look for. I haven't posted the videos, don't know if I ever will, right now they're for me only, but I know they could help  people.

Needless to say I've made progress, but there is a whole new feeling of dread when these weekends have to come to an end. It's solidified the fact that I am committed to living full time female.

I've spent my entire life wishing I'd magically turn into a woman in my sleep. Hoping prayer would help. Hoping for society to become 100% accepting. If there is a God I think he's pointing me in this direction.

I have a lot to figure out in my personal life. It's going to be really, really hard at times, I'm gonna have to change careers, probably go back to school, let go of a lot of friends and family. But I know I'll find new ones along the way. I'm scared of rejection but optimistic of my future.

Hey you, thanks for reading, I really look forward to connecting with people on here again.

freyalin

[Sarah B]

Hello Freyalin

My name is Sarah B and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I hope to get to know you and your contributions to Susan's will be appreciated.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments regarding your journey. Just about everyone here has been confused about their gender at some point in their lives. Some discover they are transgender and others realize they are non-binary, while others may feel they fit best somewhere else along the gender spectrum. No matter where that may be, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

I see you have written a wonderful introduction and I very much appreciate what you have written about yourself and I hope that I can learn from you.

Please review the links at the end of this message, they include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact, the Forum Admin Danielle Northern Star Girl alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images	Site Policies and stuff to remember
Cautionary Note	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

  @FreyaLinBella
Dear Freyalin:
A BiG WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum.

I am so happy to see that you registered as a member.  I see that you have been
Officially Greeted by our lovely Official Greeter Sarah B.
Please be certain to look over all of the information that she provided for you in her message.

I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your future postings, comments and thoughts.

Warmest Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator                                cc: @Sarah B

[Sarah B]

Hi Freyalin

You mentioned in your post the following paragraph and it has me concerned:

My fiancé is abusive. She has severe mood swings, zero self-esteem or confidence. Continues to make terrible decisions and then takes it out on me. Mostly emotional but there's been shoving, hitting, threats of violence in the past and more recently as well. Schizophrenia runs in her family and it's starting to show. She has no friends, refuses to reconnect with people from her past, disregards anything family related. She's said in the past that I'm all she has if I ever left she'd probably just commit suicide. Which has been a huge burden for me. And it's scaring me every day I stay.

Listed below are some help lines that you can contact and will be able to help you more than I can do, given the situation that you describe above.


Suicide Prevention and Support Resources

Seeking help is a courageous step toward well-being. At Susan's Place, we understand the importance of mental health support, especially for the transgender and non-binary community. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, here are some dedicated organizations ready to help:

The Trevor Project

Specialized support for LGBTQ youth.

Helpline (24/7): 1-866-488-7386.
Text and Chat: The Trevor Project chat or text START to 678-678.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Nationwide, free, and confidential support for those in crisis, available 24/7.

Helpline (24/7): Call #988, text #988.
Text and Chat: Chat online. Haz clic aquí para el chat en español.

Trans Lifeline

A grassroots hotline and microgrants non-profit organization for the trans community.

Helpline (24/7): 1-877-565-8860.
Website: Trans Lifeline

Remember, you are not alone, and there are people ready to support you.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl
@FreyaLinBella

[LoriDee]

Hello Freyalin and welcome aboard!

Thank you for that great introduction. It seems to me that you know the direction that you want to go and understand the obstacles (spouse, career, etc.) facing you ahead. That is a very positive first step.

If I might make a suggestion, I highly recommend seeing a therapist, preferably a psychologist who understands Gender Dysphoria. First, they can help you better understand who you are and how to help you through some of those obstacles. They can also help with a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria which is pretty much a requirement before starting hormonal therapy. It could also turn out that you decide that maybe that is not the direction you want to go at this time. That is ok. A psychologist can help guide you so that you can make informed decisions about what is best for you. You will have someone to confide in with some of the more intimate details that you can't really share with anyone else.

You will find plenty of information and support here. If you have questions, don't be afraid to reach out. We are here to help. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Hugs!

Lori Dee

[Sarah B]

Hello Freyalin

Hi guys!

So I was here before. Long ago, back in 2006, under a different name, little 16 year old me made an introduction and then carried on trying to figure things out for another 17 years.

So do you remember the user name you used back then?  If so any postings you made then, hopefully will still be there.  Nearly everybody, tries to figure out what is going on with themselves.  So you are not alone in this area.

I was here at Susan's in 2010 and I was around for about 2 years and I was able to learn things about myself and helped others.

A lot of living in denial, trying to make masculinity work. Being functional but always having that lingering sadness in my mind.

There are a lot of members here on Susan's that have similar stories to what you have just mentioned above.  If you read some of the member blogs, you will see the struggles that they have and how they resolved their issues.

I've been in a relationship for over 12 years, no kids thankfully, but still have some anchors in my life. And for a long time I've been allowing myself to be distracted (unsuccessfully) by life in general. Trying to shove down feelings that will not stay down. I have so many regrets.

Those feelings will never go away, unless you deal with them, which I see you have done so, by going away and being yourself. Whats past is past and you cannot change what you have done.  So learn from your past and move forward in your new life one step at a time.

My fiancé is abusive. She has severe mood swings, zero self-esteem or confidence. Continues to make terrible decisions and then takes it out on me. Mostly emotional but there's been shoving, hitting, threats of violence in the past and more recently as well. Schizophrenia runs in her family and it's starting to show. She has no friends, refuses to reconnect with people from her past, disregards anything family related. She's said in the past that I'm all she has if I ever left she'd probably just commit suicide. Which has been a huge burden for me. And it's scaring me every day I stay.

Read my previous post.  The one thing you must do first, is too look after yourself.  Domestic Violence whether physical or emotionally is Not Ok and needs to be dealt with.  This is why a list of help lines has been provided for you.

Lately I've been able to have a few weekends away from home. Living a couple days at a time as my true self. It's really been amazing. It's reaffirmed what I've already known for years.

Don't I know the joy of living as myself, I was 30 years old when I changed my life around and if you have the time you can read about it in "Sarah's Story", there is a link at the bottom, which will take you to my story.

Over the last couple months I've gone from not being able to step outside in girlmode, to spending entire weekends away, having dinner, drinks, and socializing with only a single change of guy clothes for the way home. It's been motivation for me to lose more weight than I ever have before and just general taking care of my body. Haven't started hrt yet but I'm getting closer to that first phone call. But I am taking huge strides in pre-hrt transition and I feel better than I ever have before.

Once you start you cannot stop, trust me I have been there.  If you read my story you will know what happened to me in 1987 and 1988.  One thing to keep in mind when you go for your HRT and that is "Informed Consent", so I suggest that you read about it and allow no on to deter you from what you want.

I've been making videos lately, I call them my therapy sessions, where I kind of pick a topic, or ramble, really I just talk. And it's the first time I've ever talked about any of this out loud, with my voice. When I go back to edit things, I get lost in the footage of me as a woman. I've cried more from these videos than my entire life combined. Voice isn't perfect, but I know I pass. What little things there are, somebody would have to know what to look for. I haven't posted the videos, don't know if I ever will, right now they're for me only, but I know they could help  people.

Keep practising, there are a lot videos on how to practice speaking.  One of the perks of being a female is you are allowed to cry and it allows you to relieve the stress that you are under.  Passing is such a fundamental step and this allows you to progress a lot faster than you think.

There are a lot of YouTuber's out there doing exactly what you are doing.  They do not mind 'coming out'.  I, on the other hand, never ever come out to anyone, even transgender groups and I will think twice about telling a doctor about 'my condition' (my family does know about me and they accept me unconditionally).

It's up to you whether you tell anybody about what you are doing.  In my opinion, the less people know the better you are off.

Needless to say I've made progress, but there is a whole new feeling of dread when these weekends have to come to an end. It's solidified the fact that I am committed to living full time female.

I've spent my entire life wishing I'd magically turn into a woman in my sleep. Hoping prayer would help. Hoping for society to become 100% accepting. If there is a God I think he's pointing me in this direction.

I was always wanting and longing to be a female, until one day I turned my life around in Feb 1989 and I have never looked back since then.  So you are not alone and when you change your life around, everything else will fall into place.

I have a lot to figure out in my personal life. It's going to be really, really hard at times, I'm gonna have to change careers, probably go back to school, let go of a lot of friends and family. But I know I'll find new ones along the way. I'm scared of rejection but optimistic of my future.

If you read my 'story' you will come across a very brief summary of what I did to get SRS, GRS or whatever they call it now.  I eventually changed careers, (going to university) after surgery and I let go of all my old friends and family (luckily when my family found out, they accepted me).  If you want any help in this area please ask me, I'm more than willing to help you

Hey you, thanks for reading, I really look forward to connecting with people on here again.

freyalin

No thank you, for writing such a wonderful introduction about yourself.  Best wishes for the future

Hugs
Sarah B
Offical Greeter

[Sarah B]

Hi Freyalin and Lori

@FreyaLinBella

Sometimes, "I don't see the forest for the trees" and what LoriDee said and I quote:

Thank you for that great introduction. It seems to me that you know the direction that you want to go and understand the obstacles (spouse, career, etc.) facing you ahead. That is a very positive first step.

If I might make a suggestion, I highly recommend seeing a therapist, preferably a psychologist who understands Gender Dysphoria. First, they can help you better understand who you are and how to help you through some of those obstacles. They can also help with a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria which is pretty much a requirement before starting hormonal therapy. It could also turn out that you decide that maybe that is not the direction you want to go at this time. That is ok. A psychologist can help guide you so that you can make informed decisions about what is best for you. You will have someone to confide in with some of the more intimate details that you can't really share with anyone else.

You will find plenty of information and support here. If you have questions, don't be afraid to reach out. We are here to help. Welcome to Susan's Place.

Is absolutely spot on.  I did a 5 second thought on 'therapist', but ploughed full steam ahead.

@LoriDee

Lovely introduction and excellent catch.

Look after yourself FreyLin, hope to see you soon.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B

[ChrissyRyan]

Welcome Freyalin!


Chrissy

[Colorado Girl]

Welcome Freyalin! It's wonderful to have a new sister among us!

[FreyaLinBella]

Sarah,

Thank you for sharing those links. I've tried to convince her to reach out for help. I really do love her. But not in love with her anymore. She knows we've been off. After our most recent fight I pretty much laid it all out, if it happens again I'll have no choice but to leave. If I knew she'd pull through the break-up OK, I'd have left a long time ago.

The physical stuff is not a constant thing. But it happens, and it when it does it extinguishes anything I feel for her. I've never laid a hand on her in response, my mind isn't capable of going there. Love really baffles me.

Last night she was pleasant because it's almost the weekend. I anticipate the next couple days will be fine, followed by a Sunday filled with workweek dread and walking on eggshells.

I found my old account, not much to see unfortunately. Searching didn't bring up anything. I went through pages of introductions and managed to locate mine. Teenage me talking about having problems...pfft. Wish I could go back and warn her. It's pretty cringy to read 😅

Speaking of the past, I had a chance to read through some of your story. Lots of similar experiences throughout my childhood. Leaving for a trip and then never returning sounds like a definite possibility in my future. And just keeping everything hidden from everybody. Sure would make life easier. I'm not exactly a fan of the spotlight, or humans for that matter.

...

Hi Lori,

Thank you for the suggestion. I've been trying to get myself in a comfortable place to fathom the idea of opening up to somebody face to face. Socializing with people that don't know me, being able to hide behind a veil of anonymity–that's all I'm capable of doing right now. At a time in the not-so-distant future, hopefully I'll be able to get in a better mental headspace to talk to someone.

...

Today I decided to go out dressed. Drove about 45 minutes away to Starbucks. I had my coffee in the Meijer parking lot while watching a voice training video. Then I went in and found a cute pair of jeans. I talked to my phone camera the whole way home.

Thank you ladies for the warm welcome!

freyalin

[Maid Marion]

Hi freyalin,

Welcome!  You may want to consider moving to New England. People here are quite accepting of those on the gender spectrum.  The Big E has a designated bathroom for those of us who don't fit in the gender binary.  Winters aren't as bad as they used to be.  I have a big snow blower that I only used twice this year.

Marion