I'm considering never transitioning just to spite my wife

[Allison_suddenly]

I (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

I do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

When I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

[LoriDee]

@Allison_suddenly

Hello Allison,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

I see that you are a new member and this is your first post. Thank you for contributing to the discussions here.

I think that you will find that there are a few members who have been through what you are going through. We have many members who are married and have been able to work things out so they can stay together. Some have started as you are by only coming out at home. Whatever works for you is best.

You should understand that transitioning to any extent, is a personal choice. Not everyone wants or is able to go with HRT or further with surgeries or living full-time in their gender. Take your time. This is a long process. I would caution you to not do things "to spite" anyone. It is your life and you should be able to decide how you want to live. Transitioning is a difficult process and for some, it isn't worth it. That is no one's decision but yours.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments. We all come from different backgrounds and represent a wide range of experiences. No matter who you may be, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

We would like to get to know you. Once you feel comfortable here, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum and introduce yourself and tell us something about you.

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Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee

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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Jessica_K]

I really know what you are going through as it happened and still happening to me too, except it was turned on its head. My wife wants nothing to do with me and only wants me to be deadname but does not care what I do outside the home. This started when I came out to her 5 years ago.

I too started very slowly thinking I could handle that but I could not I had to transition or I would not be here. But she still insists that I cannot be myself at home. I live two lives home and not home, changing in my car for work and social where I am fully socially transitioned and stealth.

She does not understand, she never will. But we get on, I will never leave her because with all the strife I love her. I still wear my ring it will never come off even though she does not wear hers.

So please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Going back to anger is not the solution. Work with the compromises. It can and does get better(ish). Give it time.

We are all different but you are not alone, we are all here to help each other.

I have a blog where I put all my thoughts, the good and the bad. It helps me and it's for me. You could do one too 

Hugs sister
Jessica xxx

[SoupSarah]

I (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

I do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

When I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

Hmmm - so, just to get this straight - you are going to do something out of spite, that will hurt you and the woman you married (and I am guessing love?).. because.. why?.. it will hurt her more? it will hurt you..   
Maybe you need to stop acting like a 16 year old and more like the mature 40 something you proport to be?..

Maybe just for a second, have a look at what bombshell you dropped on your partner 4 months ago and ascertain how you accommodated her feelings in this after '24 years of happy marriage'.  If 'verbal abuse' is her being angry at you, then maybe consider what is driving that anger and how would be best to negotiate the way forward.. pouting, doing things out of spite and generally feeling sorry for yourself will end in your divorce and honey, you will have nothing to say about that. A marriage is a partnership, work together or move apart.

[Allison_suddenly]

Hmmm - so, just to get this straight - you are going to do something out of spite, that will hurt you and the woman you married (and I am guessing love?).. because.. why?.. it will hurt her more? it will hurt you..   
Maybe you need to stop acting like a 16 year old and more like the mature 40 something you proport to be?..

Maybe just for a second, have a look at what bombshell you dropped on your partner 4 months ago and ascertain how you accommodated her feelings in this after '24 years of happy marriage'.  If 'verbal abuse' is her being angry at you, then maybe consider what is driving that anger and how would be best to negotiate the way forward.. pouting, doing things out of spite and generally feeling sorry for yourself will end in your divorce and honey, you will have nothing to say about that. A marriage is a partnership, work together or move apart.

I'm not sure what more I can do. I've given in to all of her requests to slow down my transition as much as possible, and the extreme case of that is not to transition at all. She has asked me not to come out to my kids, to family, or to live as a woman for at least 6 more years. I agreed, and I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I suspect even after those 6 years, transitioning will result in a divorce so I'm mentally preparing myself for not transitioning.

Of course I'm not going to pout and sulk at home all that time, I'll try my best to be present for the marriage and I think I will be happier than my pre-HRT days.

[Sarah B]

Hello Allison

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that Lori has also welcomed you to Susan's Place.  I noticed in your post you said:

I (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

Abuse physically, verbally or being controlled by another is not right and on top of your dysphoria is not healthy for you, now or in the long term.

I do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

There are other members here on Susan's that have wife, husband and children and in some cases after a long period of time they have come to accept their partners and others that have not, which usually means divorce.  There are only three possible outcomes in your case, you get divorced and you become happy, you remain married and eventually you are able to transition to a certain extent, you remain happy to a certain point or you do not and you remain unhappy.

In all of these situation you need to seek therapy of help you and your wife decide which is the best possible solution to your dilemma.

Being angry and retaliation is never an option to solving you and your wife's problems and again you need to seek therapy to help you move forward.

When I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

Compromise is always good

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the various forums.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new from new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most of us have experienced these as well.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Allison_suddenly

[Devlyn]

First things first, welcome to Susan's Place, Allison!

I'm not sure what more I can do. I've given in to all of her requests to slow down my transition as much as possible, and the extreme case of that is not to transition at all. She has asked me not to come out to my kids, to family, or to live as a woman for at least 6 more years. I agreed, and I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I suspect even after those 6 years, transitioning will result in a divorce so I'm mentally preparing myself for not transitioning.

Of course I'm not going to pout and sulk at home all that time, I'll try my best to be present for the marriage and I think I will be happier than my pre-HRT days.

My goodness, it's glaringly obvious from here that the first thing you should do is give it more time. You've given her practically zero time to work through this.

For her  this is the loss of her husband, with all of the accompanying stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She needs time to process through all of this.

Maybe you need to try couples counselling. I would also ask if you are working through your transition with a therapist?

In any event, you've done yourself a favour by coming here, and I look forward to seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Maid Marion]

Traditional dating has the guy making the first move and the girl deciding whether they should date.
Maintaining this pattern suggests the "guy" needs to bring up transition and listen to his wife about how they should proceed. Coming out will affect her as well.

Which is what I did.   I had a bold move, buying an wearing red satin PJs to bed.  We had the talk and set ground rules.

For us, the biggest issue is that I looked good in itty bitty clothes that triggered her own body image issues. I can wear a 2 piece bikini in front of a mirror.
She could not go into a VS.  Nothing fit.

Going slower is a good idea for many girls.  There is a lot to learn if you want to "pass."
You have learned male mannerisms that need to be changed. I think there may be hard wired mannerisms that females on the autism spectrum lack that are present in normal women.

There is an art and science to dressing properly.  Women are constantly judged by how they look.
You may be unfamiliar with this scrutiny, having never faced the consequences of making a horrible choice. 
The rules for guys at weddings are so simple "even a caveman could do it." 
No so for girls.  There are literally landmines everywhere for women.

[Gina P]

Allison,
  When I came out to my wife some time ago, she went through all the adjustments or mourning her lost husband. I gave it a lot of time and didn't push. I strived to let her see that I was a better person now and free of the anger and hostilities that had plagued me most of my life. I went slow on the dressing up as well but continued my journey with HRT. Now she has had time to except it we are great friends and our relationship is much better.
Give her time to adjust. I'ts a lot to take in for them. Best wishes
Gina