hello all

[evy-emaciated]

I cant express how many times Ive rewritten this

Hi all, I haven't done this in a very long time. idk if anyone remembers lgbtchat.net, I do miss that place. the first time I questioned my own gender was only after I decided I was bi and made friends in that space. I thought gender fluid could work for me at the time, but not long after, I decided if I didn't actively hate my own anatomy, I wasn't trans. so I just dropped it for the rest of my adolescence.

now years later I'm having to question myself again. Im just not doing well in multiple ways Ive been untreated for depression for a long time, and my most recent hobby exposed me to trauma Ill never unsee, and changed my view of the world and people. it definitely feels like I cant trust anyone or anything including myself. feels like confusion is so powerful right now

I ended up here because Ive been searching in and out to find what im experiencing actually is. I still cant say. I experience barely any dysphoria, perhaps hate my own image as much as any depressed person might. I just always, even since being a lurker on lgbtchat, felt like id be better born a girl. idk I feel lost as hell

[Northern Star Girl]

@evy-emaciated
Hello evy-emaciated

I see that you have just joined Susan's Place and the Forum ... and you have posted here for
the very first  time.
I would like to warmly Welcome you to Susan's Place

This is a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments regarding
your journey and your life endeavors. 
As you share and post on the various topics and threads here you may find like-minded friends.

Please review the links at the end of this message, they include information which will help you to
safely navigate the site and utilize the available features. 
              Be certain to give extra attention to the LINKS IN RED, there you
              will find answers to questions that many of our new members have.

When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to Forum private messages and you will
also be able to add an avatar profile photo to your profile, until then if you have any questions about
the Susan's Place site and the Forum, please feel free to contact me via my Email alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Warm Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

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[LoriDee]

Welcome evy-emaciated to Susan's Place.

I have had similar issues all my life. I had no clue what might be wrong with me until I got into therapy. It was there that I learned that it was not something wrong, just different. I went through a couple of therapists who were good enough to admit that they could not help me. They suggested that I speak with a licensed psychologist. I was lucky that the Veterans Administration had a psychologist that I could speak with.

It was during that therapy that I learned that I was transgender. I rejected the idea outright due to my misconceptions of what that meant. Over the next two years, I learned what being transgender was and what it was not. My psychologist then helped me to understand my options, and the obstacles I would face, and has been there to help me get through them.

I would strongly encourage you to get into therapy to help you figure things out. Recently, I suffered a severe bout of depression and it turned out that my hormone and vitamin levels were too low. So it wasn't a mental issue, it was physical but was affecting my mental clarity. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Find one that handles gender identity issues that can help you through your confusion. Please seriously consider this. It is an important step that can open many doors for you no matter what your identity, orientation, or journey might be.

Also, know that all of us here at Susan's Place are here to help you with information and support. You came to the right place. If you need help, reach out. That is why we are here.

Welcome aboard!

Lori Dee

[Northern Star Girl]

@evy-emaciated
Dear evy-emaciated:

My best suggestion is for you to find and talk to a therapist that will guide you through the issues that you may be having....  also I am listing some phone, text and Email help lines....  take advantage of the help that is available.

Suicide Prevention and Support Resources

Seeking help is a courageous step toward well-being.
At Susan's Place, we understand the importance of mental health support, especially for the
transgender and non-binary community. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis,
here are some dedicated organizations ready to help:

The Trevor Project

Specialized support for LGBTQ youth.

Helpline (24/7): 1-866-488-7386.
Text and Chat: The Trevor Project chat or text START to 678-678.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Nationwide, free, and confidential support for those in crisis, available 24/7.

Helpline (24/7): Call #988, text #988.
Text and Chat: Chat online. Haz clic aquí para el chat en español.

Trans Lifeline

A grassroots hotline and microgrants non-profit organization for the trans community.

Helpline (24/7): 1-877-565-8860.
Website: Trans Lifeline

Remember, you are not alone, and there are people ready to support you.

[Sarah B]

Hi Evy-emaciated

My name is Sarah B and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place as well!

I see that Danielle our Forum Administrator has welcomed you to Susan's as well.

I cant express how many times Ive rewritten this

I know what you mean, I tend to say the same thing again and again and I don't mind, when I do, considering that I changed when there was no information around when I changed my life around.  So repeating your story, others will be able to learn from you, like I'm doing now.

Hi all, I haven't done this in a very long time. idk if anyone remembers lgbtchat.net, I do miss that place. the first time I questioned my own gender was only after I decided I was bi and made friends in that space. I thought gender fluid could work for me at the time, but not long after, I decided if I didn't actively hate my own anatomy, I wasn't trans. so I just dropped it for the rest of my adolescence.

There are many similar forums out there that have changed their name or simply are lost in the internet ether,  I know of two and I occasionally posted on those sites.  However they are not around anymore for whatever reason.

Most members that come here to Susan's question their gender and it takes years sometimes to find out that particular information.  Me I'm not different in a sense, I    always wanted or longed to be a female.  So I changed my life around in Feb 1989 and had surgery Feb 1991.  Twenty odd years later I came across Susan's Place and I finally learnt I was always a female!  Go figure.

I never questioned my gender per se.  I just lived my life as a female.  There is nothing wrong with questioning your gender and only you and only you can decide that, nobody else can.  They can give you their opinion.  However, what you do with that information is up to you.  We here at Susan's will always accept you for who you are, no matter what you decide.

I never hated my anatomy, although I wished it was gone, I was indifferent towards it and when  I had my surgery it became very useful indeed.

I'm sorry that you have to question your gender all over again, if you find that you are having trouble in where you are on the gender spectrum.  Then you will need to seek help from qualified 'therapist' and one that is non judgemental.

now years later I'm having to question myself again. Im just not doing well in multiple ways Ive been untreated for depression for a long time, and my most recent hobby exposed me to trauma Ill never unsee, and changed my view of the world and people. it definitely feels like I cant trust anyone or anything including myself. feels like confusion is so powerful right now

The world is not a nice place and it's not nice to hear people are suffering from the cruelty that occurs.  I have not suffered from depression or trauma.  Talking about what has happened to you can help you and there are members here if you tell them your story in private here on Susan's or Susan's Discord channel, then you can be rest assured that information will be kept confidential.  I'm a very private person and I never tell anybody about what I have done.  However, on 'Susan's',  I have revealed a little about my more personal life than I have done here out in the open.

I ended up here because Ive been searching in and out to find what im experiencing actually is. I still cant say. I experience barely any dysphoria, perhaps hate my own image as much as any depressed person might. I just always, even since being a lurker on lgbtchat, felt like id be better born a girl. idk I feel lost as hell

I never suffered from Gender Dysphoria and my new General Practitioner (GP) has alluded that there are others out in the suburbs that never suffered from GD.  So you are not alone in not experiencing this condition.

I would suggest from what you said; "felt like id be better born a girl", then try a few things like, grow your hair long, wear more feminine type clothing or paint your nails and see how that feels when you do so.

However if you still have trouble in deciding what you are experiencing.  Then please seek the help you need.

It would be nice if you could tell us a little more about yourself here in the introduction page.  I like reading other members story and I always seem to learn from them.  I have a blog where I'm still telling my story and you can read it by clicking on the link below my signature

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments regarding your journey.  Just about everyone here has been confused about their gender at some point in their lives. Some discover they are transgender and others realize they are non-binary, while others may feel they fit best somewhere else along the gender spectrum. No matter where that may be, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

[evy-emaciated]

Thank you all so much. I'll admit even talking about this online is uncomfortable. therapy was mentioned a couple times, I am seeing someone atm but not a gender therapist or anything like that.
as for more information, i kinda rolled a 1 genetics wise and wound up with mpb. I used to have long hair for a long time but it fell out which was an experience. i wear a hat everywhere. I dont leave my room without a hat. otherwise, I think if i were patient I could probably pass. But I don't know. I used to crossdress very little, but just stopped when I decided I wasnt really trans.
I dont know, I just doubt myself when i think about this

[Sarah B]

Hi Evy

Nice to hear from you again and you are more than welcome.  Please remember this and it applies also to me and others, "you only reveal what you are most comfortable with and no more."  I have always applied this to myself and as I have grown older and wiser, I reveal a little bit more about myself, only if I feel comfortable in doing so.

It is always good to have someone who you can confide in or be with, humans are social creatures, so they like being with someone else.  I have very few friends and in doing so I spend more quality time with them.

I told you I learn from others and when you mentioned mpb it threw me for a short while and just before I googled the acronym.  I realised what it was!  I will not forget that in a hurry.  I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from the condition.  There are four general solutions to this problem.  HRT, wigs removal of certain parts downstairs and of course hair transplant if you have a suitable donor area.

Members on Susan have used one or more of the above to solve their mpb.  I'm sure they will be able to help you more in this area than I can.  I have always loved long hair and if I had not changed my life around I would have suffered significantly one way or another.  I had HRT and of course finally surgery and hence put a stop to that insidious part, that was occurring.  I can see what it has done to my brother and it fills me with terror that could have happened to me.

I used to dress in female clothes and when I did I always felt comfortable, it felt right and it made me happy and I never thought I was a cross dresser.  These days I dress how I want to.  Do you remember when you dressed, how you felt?  That is something to consider.  Never doubt what you do, if you feel happy when you do something then do it.

Yes be patient and I'm sure that you have the ability to pass and you will achieve what you want from life if you take the necessary steps.  I never considered myself 'trans' whatever and I detest those terms.  I have always been a female and always will be.  One last question.  Without thinking about it, do you want to be a female?

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

[LoriDee]

@evy-emaciated

I never leave my apartment without a hat or a wig. In addition to thin hair, I have some wicked scars that look like I got scalped. I am not in a position to get a hair transplant yet, so I keep it covered. The nice thing about wigs and toppers is that you can easily change color or style, short or long, to experiment and see what you like.

Just one more thing that I would like to mention is that cross-dressing and being transgender are not the same thing. Many people just enjoy presenting and expressing themselves in certain ways but have no desire to transition. It is very common and we have members here that are like that. It is great that you have someone to talk to, that is important. I still believe a therapist who has experience in gender identity issues would be a great help for you.

Hugs!

[tgirlamg]

Hello and Welcome Evy...

It can be hard to "know" what we are for so long... I think you obviously know "something" is up... seeking to put a label on what it is often suits our nature but, I think the deeper question than what label to apply is "what do I need?" ... what is is it that I can do that will better connect me to myself, others, life and the world around me... I know you don't know me but, believe me when I say that you can trust me and believe me when I tell you that seeking the answers to "what do I need" will be worth every bit of your time invested to pursue!

Each of our answers to that question and our paths are all uniquely our own but, at the same time, our journeys have many common threads... This paper:

https://avitale.com/essays/a-developmental-review

Has resonated deeply with many who are seeking to "know" who they are as it can seem to speak with uncanny accuracy to many aspects of our development and underlying motivations... Many of us (including myself) who weren't sure of what was going on with how we felt, see ourselves in what she describes throughout the paper as Group 3 individuals.

Wishing you all good things as you move forward to discover what you need to make your life... a life well lived.

Onward We Go!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

[evy-emaciated]

@tgirlamg
I just did a quick skim and so far this is definitely what I needed to hear most, maybe already kind of knew but wow the author has a good way of putting it:

"Given gender identity permanency and its obvious importance in the ordering of one's life, it is reasonable to consider gender identity as essential existential knowledge, knowledge that can not be unknown or separated out from the whole without radically redefining the whole." (thats Anne Vitale)

thank you for this paper truly I dont think I would have found it on my own.
I dont think im too much closer to an answer, but this really clarifies what to look for, plus implies gender is a piece of existential knowledge you really have to know, it feels like a certainty the answer will come, even if i dont have an eta on that

[tgirlamg]

@tgirlamg
I just did a quick skim and so far this is definitely what I needed to hear most, maybe already kind of knew but wow the author has a good way of putting it:

"Given gender identity permanency and its obvious importance in the ordering of one's life, it is reasonable to consider gender identity as essential existential knowledge, knowledge that can not be unknown or separated out from the whole without radically redefining the whole." (thats Anne Vitale)

thank you for this paper truly I dont think I would have found it on my own.
I dont think im too much closer to an answer, but this really clarifies what to look for, plus implies gender is a piece of existential knowledge you really have to know, it feels like a certainty the answer will come, even if i dont have an eta on that

Hey Evy!

I'm so glad you're finding it useful!!! The real answers in this take time, reflection, experimentation, self acceptance, honesty with ourself and with others in our life, fear management, and a spirit of adventure for wherever it all leads...

You have found yourself in a place here containing a wealth of experience... Keep us posted on what you are thinking and where you are at with all of this... you'll find your challenges and fears have been faced and navigated in many ways by many who have had similar struggles to find their own answers and then gone on to build amazing lives... count me as one of them!

If you have a local WPATH therapist they can also be a great resource sorting things out...

May your path ahead be blessed!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

[Sarah B]

Hi Tgirlamg

I found the article you posted really illuminating.  I still cannot decide which group I'm in!  I know its not group 2!

It does not really matter.  Thank you for posting the link to that article.  I'm sure I'm going to reread it several more times.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@tgirlamg

[Maid Marion]

I've never had any dysphoria, though I'm in group 1 and never had any issues with wearing female clothes.  I pass well enough that I easily navigate social situations as female.  I don't see the benefits of medical transition as being worth the risks.  I've been able to grow out my salt and pepper hair to mid back length so it looks quite feminine.

Marion

[ChrissyRyan]

Welcome Evy!

Chrissy