Ebb and flow

[Alana1990]

Since I realized I was transgender, dysphoria, and envy is a thing I've constantly dealt with. However,this week, I haven't thought about it at all. Is it normal for dysphoria, and envy to ebb and flow?

[ChrissyRyan]

Since I realized I was transgender, dysphoria, and envy is a thing I've constantly dealt with. However,this week, I haven't thought about it at all. Is it normal for dysphoria, and envy to ebb and flow?

Alana,

Sure, those feelings can grow and wane for some of us.
There are some days when I see a gorgeous woman I crave having such good looks.

On other days, I realize that I have been fortunate to look the way I do, being able to be who I am, learning how to fit in, to blend in, to enjoy life, and most importantly, to truly be content.

I wish you the best!

Chrissy

[LoriDee]

I agree with Chrissy. There are times when I feel envious, or frustrated with my progress. Other times I feel very ... me. Most of the time, I am just busy living my life and not thinking about that stuff.

What you are feeling is natural and a part of the journey. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just relax and enjoy the ride!

Hugs!

[Paulie]

Hi Alana,

It maybe that you've just been busier or preoccupied this week.  Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins, and they say "Idle hands are the devil's workshop".   

The important thing is that you've recognized that you suffer from this to some extent.  Envy is a natural human emotion, just don't let it get the best of you. It can be very destructive. 

Keeping yourself busy, recognizing what you have, and making changes in your life, all will help you deal with envy.  There are lots of good resource for dealing the Green Eyed Monster on the web.  Even if you don't think you're really suffering from envy, it can't hurt to have a little better understanding of that emotion.

I think it ebb's a little with age too.  At least that's been my experience.

Warm Regards,
Paulie.

[Jessica_K]

It definitely ebbs and flows depending on how busy I am, but at night it hits again when I ready for bed.

Jessica.

[Colorado Girl]

I think LoriDee spoke to what is probably a very common malady among us - and that's frustration. I can honestly say that when I see a beautiful woman with fantastic curves and say to myself, "I wish I had those curves!" I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm not developing as fast or in the way I would like - but not blatant envy or resentment toward the beautiful woman. And, yes, even the frustration seems to ebb and flow. But, in the final analysis, I LOVE who I am - and As LoriDee said - I'm "enjoying the ride"! I hope it's the same for you!

[ChrissyRyan]

I think LoriDee spoke to what is probably a very common malady among us - and that's frustration. I can honestly say that when I see a beautiful woman with fantastic curves and say to myself, "I wish I had those curves!" I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm not developing as fast or in the way I would like - but not blatant envy or resentment toward the beautiful woman. And, yes, even the frustration seems to ebb and flow. But, in the final analysis, I LOVE who I am - and As LoriDee said - I'm "enjoying the ride"! I hope it's the same for you!

Good for you!  Try to stay always positive, enjoy the beauty around us, and yes, those enchanting curves on some others. 

While it is possible to pretend to have some curves, like squeezing in the midriff area,  I know for me that is fakey so I have rarely done that.  When I did, it was always not in public and just to see maybe what I would look like with such curves.  It is not reality though, and I have accepted that.

What I do see is a bit of roundedness on the top of my thighs, that is different than before mtf HRT.  It is not much but it is there, and that is me, not pretend.

Yes, we have to accept ourselves in many ways and that means being grateful for what we have and who we are, striving to improve in ways meaningful and good.

Chrissy

[Starryskyy]

Hi I'm an expert in the never ending ebb and flow of gender frustrations. It's totally normal especially as you get much further along in simply being you despite various obstacles, I'm unable to see myself as male and just look at myself horrified in the mirror often. Been this way for many years and I've had a lot more experience with being completely open about being who I am even though it's not entirely safe for me to shout it from the rooftops. Since doing so though and just being me regardless of the never ending dysphoria from my looks often I never think about my gender otherwise. I just go about my life as a woman and get misgendered every day a million times over with the occasional person that gets it (I do look naturally extremely feminine with some really bad issues that have more to do with head shape and hair than much else). If I cover the top of my head and shave so well that day that only the most baseline shadow is there I get gendered correctly more often. It's still extremely rough and because of the divide between my appearance and presentation with the hair situation and people that recognize me in public as male that aren't exactly good people things can scary out there. I'd say most of my dysphoria besides my personal view on my looks comes from the way the immediate community treats me and what I need to do to protect myself sometimes. I can't just present male, I have no idea how to so usually on the days where I'm most insecure I just turtle inside a hoody and keep on the down low. Always have other things to do to take my mind off it and I value my time away from people anyways where I need it.

[LoriDee]

Thanks, Starryskyy. Very well said.

I am in the same boat. When in makeup, wigs, and dressed I am often called "ma'am". But it isn't practical to do everything I need to just to take out the trash, check the mail, or run a quick errand. I don't have much in the way of men's clothing anymore. What I do have, I call my "grubbies" that I wear while prospecting or rock-hounding. Throw on a sweatshirt and hat and keep my head down. Most everyone in the apartment complex knows me because I was the first tenant to move in after the building was built. Most are accepting and supportive, but there are a few that I avoid.

I totally get what you mean. All we can do is keep on keeping on. 

[ChrissyRyan]

Keep on going one day at a time. 

Chrissy

[Sarah B]

Hello Starryskyy

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that Lori, my fellow team member, Maid Marion and ChrissyRyan have already greeted you warmly to Susan's.

You mentioned in the Introduction Forum the following about yourself.

I'm a trans girl from the US just looking for decent online community to participate in! Currently in a difficult spot and have a lot of insecurities but I hope having more of a community backbone will help smooth things out for me.

You do not have to hope, Susan's Place is a place where you will be helped as much as possible by the members of Susan's and in doing so they will help you to 'smooth things out' for you, in your journey to achieve your dreams.

You also mentioned in the 'Ebb and flow' thread the following:

Hi I'm an expert in the never ending ebb and flow of gender frustrations. It's totally normal especially as you get much further along in simply being you despite various obstacles, I'm unable to see myself as male and just look at myself horrified in the mirror often. Been this way for many years and I've had a lot more experience with being completely open about being who I am even though it's not entirely safe for me to shout it from the rooftops.

As you can gather other members of Susan's have mentioned the gender frustrations or gender dysphoria that they suffer.  They also mention how they also deal with those problems on a day to day basis.

You are right, you never shout who you are from the rooftops, it is never wise to do so anyway.  I never tell anyone about myself ever.  I never had any obstacles and if there were, I was prepared to jump over or walk around them.

Since doing so though and just being me regardless of the never ending dysphoria from my looks often I never think about my gender otherwise. I just go about my life as a woman and get misgendered every day a million times over with the occasional person that gets it (I do look naturally extremely feminine with some really bad issues that have more to do with head shape and hair than much else).

When I changed my life around, there was only one thing that did not change and that was of course, Me!  In addition I never thought about my gender even when I filled out forms asking me my gender!

You say you are extremely feminine and yet you get misgendered all the time and you know why that is the case.  Lori has already mentioned to you in her post, what she does and she has the experience in regards to wigs.  Just look at her avatar.  However, the head shape can only or usually be overcome with FFS.

If I cover the top of my head and shave so well that day that only the most baseline shadow is there I get gendered correctly more often. It's still extremely rough and because of the divide between my appearance and presentation with the hair situation and people that recognize me in public as male that aren't exactly good people things can scary out there.

Seeking specialists or people with knowledge in the area of wigs, like Lori, you will be able to improve your looks accordingly.  Two other things that you could do to improve your looks and that is to be on HRT (if you are not already on) will make your face more feminine and to get rid of your facial hair.

There are several ways to do this, one wax your face. Two have IPL treatment and or have electrolysis done, or a combination of all three.  If you have these treatments then I almost sure you will pass or look more feminine and hence get gendered correctly more often.

I'd say most of my dysphoria besides my personal view on my looks comes from the way the immediate community treats me and what I need to do to protect myself sometimes. I can't just present male, I have no idea how to so usually on the days where I'm most insecure I just turtle inside a hoody and keep on the down low. Always have other things to do to take my mind off it and I value my time away from people anyways where I need it.

You should not have to hide yourself and if you are able to pass or get gendered correctly then your self esteem will improve no end.  Your safety is paramount and you have to ensure that you remain safe at all times.  Sometimes it is wise to seek help from a 'gender therapist' to help you along.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in other forums and threads or just add more information to what you have already posted in the Introductions Forum.  It would be appreciated very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about visitors to Susan's

In addition members of Susan's will come along and more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most of us have experienced these as well.

Take care and all the best for the future and if you need help please do not hesitate to ask.  We are here to help you as much as possible.  You are lucky in a sense you have a wealth of information at your fingers tips.  Yet when I had changed my life around I virtually had none.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Starryskyy

[Starryskyy]

Thanks, Starryskyy. Very well said.

I am in the same boat. When in makeup, wigs, and dressed I am often called "ma'am". But it isn't practical to do everything I need to just to take out the trash, check the mail, or run a quick errand. I don't have much in the way of men's clothing anymore. What I do have, I call my "grubbies" that I wear while prospecting or rock-hounding. Throw on a sweatshirt and hat and keep my head down. Most everyone in the apartment complex knows me because I was the first tenant to move in after the building was built. Most are accepting and supportive, but there are a few that I avoid.

I totally get what you mean. All we can do is keep on keeping on. 

I do just fine in shorts, simple skirts, and tshirts. Stuff anyone can wear but if I'm heading downtown I'll often just go for skirts because even if I'm wearing a hat it's just that much more risky and I don't have a good natural wig yet but when I find the right one that'll put me much more at ease. I have wanted to try panning here but I'm convinced where I am in the northeast US there is nothing but at least cool stones. I'm in the forest a lot but largely just treating it like my second living room. It can't get summery outside fast enough. The complex I'm in isn't too bad and I'm friendly with some of the neighbors though they don't know much about me save for just seeing me almost every day.

Hello Starryskyy

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that Lori, my fellow team member, Maid Marion and ChrissyRyan have already greeted you warmly to Susan's.

You mentioned in the Introduction Forum the following about yourself.

You do not have to hope, Susan's Place is a place where you will be helped as much as possible by the members of Susan's and in doing so they will help you to 'smooth things out' for you, in your journey to achieve your dreams.

You also mentioned in the 'Ebb and flow' thread the following:

As you can gather other members of Susan's have mentioned the gender frustrations or gender dysphoria that they suffer.  They also mention how they also deal with those problems on a day to day basis.

You are right, you never shout who you are from the rooftops, it is never wise to do so anyway.  I never tell anyone about myself ever.  I never had any obstacles and if there were, I was prepared to jump over or walk around them.

When I changed my life around, there was only one thing that did not change and that was of course, Me!  In addition I never thought about my gender even when I filled out forms asking me my gender!

You say you are extremely feminine and yet you get misgendered all the time and you know why that is the case.  Lori has already mentioned to you in her post, what she does and she has the experience in regards to wigs.  Just look at her avatar.  However, the head shape can only or usually be overcome with FFS.

Seeking specialists or people with knowledge in the area of wigs, like Lori, you will be able to improve your looks accordingly.  Two other things that you could do to improve your looks and that is to be on HRT (if you are not already on) will make your face more feminine and to get rid of your facial hair.

There are several ways to do this, one wax your face. Two have IPL treatment and or have electrolysis done, or a combination of all three.  If you have these treatments then I almost sure you will pass or look more feminine and hence get gendered correctly more often.

You should not have to hide yourself and if you are able to pass or get gendered correctly then your self esteem will improve no end.  Your safety is paramount and you have to ensure that you remain safe at all times.  Sometimes it is wise to seek help from a 'gender therapist' to help you along.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in other forums and threads or just add more information to what you have already posted in the Introductions Forum.  It would be appreciated very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about visitors to Susan's

In addition members of Susan's will come along and more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most of us have experienced these as well.

Take care and all the best for the future and if you need help please do not hesitate to ask.  We are here to help you as much as possible.  You are lucky in a sense you have a wealth of information at your fingers tips.  Yet when I had changed my life around I virtually had none.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Starryskyy

Thanks for the warm welcome! I'm currently looking into permanent removal, I heard laser takes many passes over to be effective and electro is a lot more effective but also much more painful. Will be asking around on wigs in the near future, I tried to grow it out before but it doesn't even grow down, I'm sensitive to a lot of hair products limiting me more, and I've been sick for almost a year now only starting to get better after getting PFS (post finasteride syndrome) in the process. It's been a trainwreck alright. My hair is definitely is causing me the most distress appearance wise. I'm really in the process of rebuilding my life in general now

I have the resources though, already am in therapy for it and CPTSD though you could say they're one in the same in my situation. My freezing episodes are the worst, probably my last remaining major one's. It doesn't help though that my real circumstances perpetuate that one and I'm hardwired to see danger everywhere which not feeling my hair there or in the wrong places can bring on easily because I feel like I look so strange and can't not stand out. Usually just deal with occasional mocking and slurs thrown cowardly from cars but all it takes is one crazy loser for things to really go south. On days I'm much more confident though the bulk of it doesn't really get to me as easily so really with me it's a matter of simply getting and keeping things together enough to snowball things in a positive direction. I should in the mean time before all this grow my hair out again and simply try every product I can to find the single one that'll at least hold it down my immune system is ok with which may be like finding a needle in the haystack. I'm sure I also have other options I'm not aware of though.

[LoriDee]

I bought my first wigs on eBay. Sadly, the quality was crap, but they were cheap. I have a few I got on Amazon. The nice thing about shopping online is you don't need to go out to get one. The downside is that sometimes the colors are not what you pictured. But if you look around you can get some real bargains. Measure your scalp so you know what size you need. This could be an option for you.

I have gotten my wigs through the VA for the past four years. They have a contract with a local hair salon that also sells wigs. She doesn't have many in stock, so we sit and chat and look through the catalogs and she orders them. You could contact a local stylist to see if they sell wigs. Tell them that you are transgender and would like help with hairstyles. I think you will find that they will be most accepting and helpful. For my first appointment, she had me come in on a Saturday when she had no other customers, so I got a private consultation.

Maybe something like this could help you out. Once you get past that initial fear, it does get easier. Then when someone compliments your hair, you will be grinning ear to ear. Trust me. I know.

[ChrissyRyan]

Thick natural hair or having a big head makes it important to get a wig that fits and looks good as many wigs run small.  Women tend to have smaller heads than many "males as assigned at birth." A private session is the way to go to acquire this good fit.

Also, you might really like a particular color but color may not actually look good on you. 

When you have a fitting, you may be able to try on a variety of suitable wigs.  You can buy one, and you will then maybe have some others that you may consider buying.  You will know which wigs work for you and you can get those later.

I would consider buying a styrofoam wig head.  That is helpful for storage as well as styling.  Others may have other suggestions for wig care and storage.

Chrissy