After 14 years im here.

[anonymous24]

Its been a long road. im reading susans probably more than 14 years, and yet this is one of my first posts. i wasnt able to say to myself "this is real". i also said it will fade away, but yet, it doesent.

I will tell a little bit about myself:

Im 34 years old, and i have fantasies about being a woman since age 16. i never played barbies, never wear pink or had any "girlish" behaviour. probably the opposite is true.

Yet, i stil have this kind of desire of being a woman with man. i cant really explaine this, as im not gay. i doesent have any desire being with a man as a man. only as a woman. far from that, i mostly attracted to woman.

In last years ive trying to supress those feelings. i tried martial arts, gym, sports. all just to make this feelings dissapears. the problem that they doesent. they only went stronger as i trying to be more "Manly".

I still doesent know wether im trans or not. i hasnt been at Endocrinologist. i doesent want to "verify" that this is real. again - i also tell my mind that this will go away by itself.

Im trying to tell myself not to try anything. that even if im trans, i will have to go Via de la Rosa in order to get there. thats including surgeries, pain and effort, and maybe even after i wont "Pass".

This is very very hard for me. i know many of you been to hard times in order to achieve your goals, but im afraid for me it will be a huge and hard road.

I hope ill post here more and more in order to find the answer from me.

Thanks you all for this great community.

[LoriDee]

Thank you for sharing with us!

Something you need to understand is that gender identity has nothing to do with sexual preference. We bring this problem upon ourselves because we claim to be part of the LGBTQ community. But some of those letters do not relate to the others.

Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual are sexual preferences. Transgender, Queer, Non-Binary, etc. are gender identities. You can be gay and transgender or not. There are many combinations of identity and preference. I am "asexual" which means that my sexual preference is "none of the above". And yet I am a transgender female.

Another thing you need to understand is that THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT TO TRANSITION. You do not need to take medications or hormones if you don't want to. You can be transgender and never have surgery. Some people just enjoy dressing up and roleplaying. Some just enjoy having fantasies, but do not pursue them.

These are the kinds of things a therapist can help you sort out. Thanks again for sharing your introduction with us.

Hugs!

[Sarah B]

Hi Anonymous

Thank you for coming here to the introductions forum and letting us know a little bit more about you.  It is really appreciated and when I read stories written from other members, I always learn something new.

There is one member here on Susan's that started out on a similar path as yours and her name is LoriDee.  I will let her know and you may recognize her, because she welcomed you to Susan's as I did as well.

Its been a long road. im reading susans probably more than 14 years, and yet this is one of my first posts. i wasnt able to say to myself "this is real". i also said it will fade away, but yet, it doesent.

There are a lot of members past and present that have or had those same feelings.

I will tell a little bit about myself:

Im 34 years old, and i have fantasies about being a woman since age 16. i never played barbies, never wear pink or had any "girlish" behaviour. probably the opposite is true.

I never was into 'pink', nor barbie dolls, or frilly dresses.  Each of us are different to one extent or another.  These 'things' do not define us as female.  I like dolls (think Raggedy Ann dolls) or Teddy Bears and I loved playing with meccano or lego toys, certainly not girly toys!

Yet, i stil have this kind of desire of being a woman with man. i cant really explaine this, as im not gay. i doesent have any desire being with a man as a man. only as a woman. far from that, i mostly attracted to woman.

Before I changed my life around (I was 30), I was attracted to girls, females or women, that made me heterosexual, however, I did think about being with a man on occasion, as a women, but I knew I was not gay.

In my story, I tell about one of my conundrums that changed my life forever.  I spent a lot of time with a man who was a good friend.  We did a lot of things together, then one day I realized I loved him and I knew I could not do anything about it.

It was this conundrum and others that caused me to have an epiphany that I wanted to live my life as a female.  So at the age of 30 I left family and friends, moved across country and at the age of 32, I had surgery and I have lived my life as female ever since.  I'm still heterosexual and I have spent my time in the arms of men.

In last years ive trying to supress those feelings. i tried martial arts, gym, sports. all just to make this feelings dissapears. the problem that they doesent. they only went stronger as i trying to be more "Manly".

I remember doing those 'manly' things just to throw family and friends of the scent!  I would do parachuting, flying gliders, scuba diving, shooting and the most 'manly' thing I ever did was have a mustache.  Yes so ridiculous then, when I think about it now.  Why? All through my life at various stages, I have always wanted or longed to be female.

Which leads me to ask you, think very carefully and long, are there any incidents or memories that may give you an inkling that you want to be a female?  I have just recently remembered one and posted it on my blog and editing this post, I have another possible memory.

I still doesent know wether im trans or not. i hasnt been at Endocrinologist. i doesent want to "verify" that this is real. again - i also tell my mind that this will go away by itself.

Unfortunately with members here on Susan's they have "never been able tell in their mind that it will go away" and if that was the case, we would have a cure for being 'trans'.  If there was a cure, I would not avail myself for that treatment.

Im trying to tell myself not to try anything. that even if im trans, i will have to go Via de la Rosa in order to get there. thats including surgeries, pain and effort, and maybe even after i wont "Pass".

How far you travel down the road to 'Via de la Rosa' is up to you and in your case from what you are saying you need help in deciding whether you are 'trans' or not.  So please, seek help to sort these problems you have or you may end up later regretting it later on in life.

This is very very hard for me. i know many of you been to hard times in order to achieve your goals, but im afraid for me it will be a huge and hard road.

There are lot of members here on Susan's that have an extremely and sometimes traumatic events during their lives to finally reach their goals.  I'm sorry to say, but when I had changed my life around it was extremely easy and I was very lucky in a sense in achieving my goals.  You can read my journey in Sarah's Story, there is a link below my signature, if you want to read it.

I hope ill post here more and more in order to find the answer from me.

Thanks you all for this great community.

Remember, members here at Susan's are here to help you in anyway that we can.  You can ask me any questions to what I did to change my life around.

Take care and best wishes for the future.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@LoriDee
PS The edits are very minor are for clarity only and do not affect, what I have said.

[Paulie]

Hi Anonymous,

I'm not sure I can offer any better advice than Sarah and LoriDee already have.  So I just going to welcome you to Susan's.  I glad you finally came in.

Warm Regards,
Paulie.

[tgirlamg]

Its been a long road. im reading susans probably more than 14 years, and yet this is one of my first posts. i wasnt able to say to myself "this is real". i also said it will fade away, but yet, it doesent.

I will tell a little bit about myself:

Im 34 years old, and i have fantasies about being a woman since age 16. i never played barbies, never wear pink or had any "girlish" behaviour. probably the opposite is true.

Yet, i stil have this kind of desire of being a woman with man. i cant really explaine this, as im not gay. i doesent have any desire being with a man as a man. only as a woman. far from that, i mostly attracted to woman.

In last years ive trying to supress those feelings. i tried martial arts, gym, sports. all just to make this feelings dissapears. the problem that they doesent. they only went stronger as i trying to be more "Manly".

I still doesent know wether im trans or not. i hasnt been at Endocrinologist. i doesent want to "verify" that this is real. again - i also tell my mind that this will go away by itself.

Im trying to tell myself not to try anything. that even if im trans, i will have to go Via de la Rosa in order to get there. thats including surgeries, pain and effort, and maybe even after i wont "Pass".

This is very very hard for me. i know many of you been to hard times in order to achieve your goals, but im afraid for me it will be a huge and hard road.

I hope ill post here more and more in order to find the answer from me.

Thanks you all for this great community.

Welcome Aboard Anonymous!!!

I think you will find much of your development and conflict described uncannily well in this paper as you read closely the descriptions of Group 3 individuals noted throughout the paper... 🌻

https://avitale.com/essays/a-developmental-review

Many of us, including myself, have a similar history... As far as the being with a man as a woman... here is my experience...

I was one of the ones who flipped the script... hetero male to hetero female... I had never seen myself as homosexual in my male life... I never had a desire to be with a man... as a man but... my thoughts of being a woman were accompanied with thoughts of being with a man...

Early in my transition I decided that as I moved forward boldly into my new life, I would move boldly into this area as well. After a lifetime of relationships with women, I started going out with men and took to it like a duck to water. What I had always viewed as my healthy attraction to women just did the slow fade... replaced with perhaps a bit of envy and the sense that the greatest loves in my life had been the women I had most wanted to be in a part of myself that wasn't apparent to me at the time... we can hide so much from ourselves until we are ready to deal with what is there and what it all means!

I was blessed to find the greatest man in the world in the middle of this new whirlwind my life had become and later this year will mark our 8th wedding anniversary...

I guess the lesson in all this is that transition is indeed transformative in all aspects of our life... be open to, and anxious to discover all the new possibilities that become yours to explore in your life... Live it all... Love it all 🌻

Despite our many common threads, our answers of how to best proceed in our life and order our life will be uniquely our own... answers for one are not the answers for all but, I promise you that your answers in all this are patiently awaiting you and are very much worth your time and best efforts to pursue! 🌻

Onward We Go Brave Friend!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

[ChrissyRyan]

Anonymous,


Welcome!  Do revisit often!

Chrissy