dysphoria, sadness, and deliriant usage

[zombiie_]

i'm transgender (ftm) and currently very unsatisfied with my life. gender dysphoria has been practically killing me, almost everyone in my life views me as a girl and treats me as such (whether knowing i'm trans or not; not including a few friends)

it's been like this for a while, and i started using deliriants in this past year as a sort of escape, even if only for a few hours. i've tried many other "distractions" like playing games, playing sports, working out, going out with friends, listening to music, reading, etc...  and none REALLY work. being hospitalized in october 2024 really scared me, and i could barely hold a conversation for more than a few sentences, i also was experiencing very minor visual and auditory hallucinations (when not using), it took me a few weeks to go back to normal; i've been clean for 162 days, it's been pretty easy because my life was considerably better for a while.

recently though, my life and mental health have been getting worse and ive been considering relapsing, although i don't want to, unsure of what to do

[Lilis]

Hi Alex,

I just wanted to say thank you for opening up. I really felt your words that kind of pain and internal battle can feel so heavy, especially when it seems like nothing truly helps.

I've been on my own recovery journey too.

In my younger years I used to turn to substances to escape as well. For me, it was about numbing the weight of everything, the trauma, the dysphoria, the loneliness.

It took me a long time to realize I wasn't broken; I was just trying to survive with the tools I had at the time.

I've been clean for a long time now, but every step has been about learning new ways to soothe myself, not shame myself.

What really helped was shifting the goal from trying to feel good to just feeling safe and connected, even a little.

Nature, breathwork, support groups, spirituality, and sometimes just laying in bed reminding myself I'm allowed to exist as I am.

You've already proven your strength by staying clean 162 days, that's amazing, especially after what you went through last October.

That shows a light in you, even if it feels dim right now.

Please don't let this moment convince you to throw away all that growth. You're worth staying for.

You're still so young, with your whole life ahead of you. Please give yourself a chance.

Have you considered therapy or counseling? You don't have to go through this alone and you shouldn't have to.

With care,

~ Lilis 🫂

[Sephirah]

Listen to Lilis. She is breathtakingly wise.

Can I ask, have you seen anyone with regard to transition? To move forward in regards to being someone you want to be instead of someone you think you have to be? Maybe having a goal will help you. You might not think you can but... distractions only work for so long. And they don't cure what's wrong, honey. They take your mind off it for a little bit, but can destroy your life.

Sometimes you have to ask.. can changing my life end up any worse than trying to escape having one at all?

*hugs*

[April Marie]

Oh, gosh! What Lilis said!!  We are all here to lift each other and we can all tell you that, in time, the good days outweigh the others and then you find peace within yourself. You can do this!! And, please consider working with a therapist if you can. It has been, literally, life saving for me.

Know that you are loved and valued. Every day. Always.