Some weird thought that we become what we pretend to be. That somehow my being intersex is some mistaken feelings caused by the way I was treated. My mother would say that the older boy cousins picked on me because I was the youngest. Did I mistakenly think that it was because I acted feminine? Or, could it be that I actually sat and played with dolls with the girls? Yes, I did have paper dolls. My sisters and I would draw out the clothes for the paper dolls, and color them and cut them out. We may have even made our own dolls.
Growing up, I had three sisters. I didn't have any brothers until I was 16. Going to relatives for a party meant visiting even more girls to play with. With so many girls around, it would seem I learned how to socialize as a girl. One that was my age became my best friend, until the false accusation of rape.
My dad was never interested in my side of the story, but somehow he got the idea that we had become sexually involved. Had he discussed it with me, he would have learned we were just skinny dipping. He told her father, and I was never allowed near her again. Her brother decided that gave him the right to punish me by sexually molesting me. So at the next family gathering I was told to go to the barn where the boys were. Three boys held me while he molested me. I was also told if I went near any of the girls, I would get more punishment. The question here is did this cause the dysphoria or did it just increase the dysphoria. (if I had been a girl, the false accusation would not have happened.)
Effectively her brother put me on probation, going near a girl was a violation of that probation. His probation was never lifted.
I happen to have some weird rib cage malformation. I have what is called a sunken chest. The center of my chest is sunken in. You could say that my deformed ribs makes it appear that I have breasts. I doubt if that would cause me to bounce as I go down the steps outside my house.
I have other things to wonder about, such as what is the effect of stepping over an electric fence, and finding out the fence is too high to just step over. I end up straddling the fence, and getting zapped between my legs. Is this the cause of low testosterone?
Another problem with an electric fence was one that was not electric before. I suddenly found my fingers wrapped around the wire and unable to open my hand. I could look across the field and see my dad going back and forth in another field. I have no idea how long I was there until I realized I could use my other hand to pull my fingers away from the wire. Is this what gives me the strange heartbeat? Later my dad was telling his friends how funny it was looking across the field and seeing me stuck on the electric fence.
It would appear that as a male, there is so much pain that I lock myself in my room and avoid any social functions. I have already transitioned, and live as a female. As a female I can go out shopping, and stop in the women's section looking at the shirts and skirts. I look at the shorts with a 2 inch inseam and say no thank you, and realize I have a white pair at home. As a female, that probation is void. The biggest question is why do Women's clothes fit me so well.
Michelle
