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Confused

Started by Michelle_K, June 01, 2024, 02:10:15 PM

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Michelle_K

Some weird thought that we become what we pretend to be. That somehow my being intersex is some mistaken feelings caused by the way I was treated. My mother would say that the older boy cousins picked on me because I was the youngest. Did I mistakenly think that it was because I acted feminine? Or, could it be that I actually sat and played with dolls with the girls? Yes, I did have paper dolls. My sisters and I would draw out the clothes for the paper dolls, and color them and cut them out. We may have even made our own dolls.
Growing up, I had three sisters. I didn't have any brothers until I was 16. Going to relatives for a party meant visiting even more girls to play with. With so many girls around, it would seem I learned how to socialize as a girl. One that was my age became my best friend, until the false accusation of rape.
My dad was never interested in my side of the story, but somehow he got the idea that we had become sexually involved. Had he discussed it with me, he would have learned we were just skinny dipping. He told her father, and I was never allowed near her again. Her brother decided that gave him the right to punish me by sexually molesting me. So at the next family gathering I was told to go to the barn where the boys were. Three boys held me while he molested me. I was also told if I went near any of the girls, I would get more punishment. The question here is did this cause the dysphoria or did it just increase the dysphoria. (if I had been a girl, the false accusation would not have happened.)
Effectively her brother put me on probation, going near a girl was a violation of that probation. His probation was never lifted.

I happen to have some weird rib cage malformation. I have what is called a sunken chest. The center of my chest is sunken in. You could say that my deformed ribs makes it appear that I have breasts. I doubt if that would cause me to bounce as I go down the steps outside my house.
I have other things to wonder about, such as what is the effect of stepping over an electric fence, and finding out the fence is too high to just step over. I end up straddling the fence, and getting zapped between my legs. Is this the cause of low testosterone?
Another problem with an electric fence was one that was not electric before. I suddenly found my fingers wrapped around the wire and unable to open my hand. I could look across the field and see my dad going back and forth in another field. I have no idea how long I was there until I realized I could use my other hand to pull my fingers away from the wire. Is this what gives me the strange heartbeat? Later my dad was telling his friends how funny it was looking across the field and seeing me stuck on the electric fence.
It would appear that as a male, there is so much pain that I lock myself in my room and avoid any social functions. I have already transitioned, and live as a female. As a female I can go out shopping, and stop in the women's section looking at the shirts and skirts. I look at the shorts with a 2 inch inseam and say no thank you, and realize I have a white pair at home. As a female, that probation is void. The biggest question is why do Women's clothes fit me so well.
Michelle
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Maid Marion

I have that issue as well.  I wear fitted women's clothes because more often not,the curves come in exactly the right places.  I've bought something from Revolve and thought it fit me better than the model!

Marion
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Michelle_K

It seems for some reason, I forget to include important information. One was that I was 10 years old when my dad came up with the idea we were sexually involved. Second was that later he said it was statutory rape, due to the fact that she was 10 years old.
I heard about something similar, where two 9 year olds were arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, by being nude in front of each other.
I can say what I will about the brother putting me on probation, but the truth was he was a bully. I could go on to say he was even a coward, getting help to hold me while he felt me. Facing me, I could see that grin on his face as he felt my genitals. The point is all the previous complaints fell on deaf ears, as his parents considered him to be an angel. His probation statement was void the moment he spoke it. Me being non social due to being autistic makes more sense. A case of too much input. By the time I figure out what they are talking about, they are already on a different subject.
Michelle
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Michelle_K

If I keep bring things up, it means I still need to resolve the issue. I head about OCD, and when I looked it up, there it was in black and white. Being falsely accused and punished seems to bring on a fear of being falsely accused. The result being if there is a young girl in the grocery aisle, I will turn around and leave that aisle, returning later to get what I need. The odd part is as a woman I do not Leave, I continue shopping. Like yesterday, I was looking through the bikinis, while there were other shoppers around me.
Michelle
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Northern Star Girl

@Michelle_K
Dear Michelle:

Thank you for your update and sharing your progress... 
...it certainly seems that you are successfully working through your issues.

Please keep posting and sharing.

Best wishes to you as you continue in your journey.

HUGS, Danielle  [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Michelle_K on June 06, 2024, 12:30:38 PMIf I keep bring things up, it means I still need to resolve the issue. I head about OCD, and when I looked it up, there it was in black and white. Being falsely accused and punished seems to bring on a fear of being falsely accused. The result being if there is a young girl in the grocery aisle, I will turn around and leave that aisle, returning later to get what I need. The odd part is as a woman I do not Leave, I continue shopping. Like yesterday, I was looking through the bikinis, while there were other shoppers around me.
Michelle
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Michelle_K

I seem to hit the wrong key on my keyboard. There was a bunch of different intrusive thought OCD listed.
One named transgender OCD. I think it has to do with fearing a mistake was made, that I'm not transgender. I keep wondering if I had the knife to mutilate my genitals only because of the fear of being falsely accused. Only the thought that it would be needed for any bottom surgery stopped..., I had to accept the fact that it was there.
 I wonder what I was thinking about a year ago. Wearing earrings and nail polish along with long hair. I even had breast forms to double my breast size. I also had a beard and would walk into the men's rest room. No wonder she thought I was entering the wrong rest room.
I got curious and checked the details on the photo with the blue dress, I found a date 9/13/1998.
Michelle
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