Sexual confusion

[Helen994]

Hey everyone (please put this put this post on another thread if it's not right place to post this😅)

So I just wanted peoples thoughts on this. Although I've (male at birth) always had questions about my gender (which I was always try to push away and pretend it's not happening) I've had quite a few sexual partners (cis women) and I wanted to know if it was normal to feel like sex was like meh take it or leave it?

I love the body of a woman and wish that I had it and when we do adult activities when my appendage is being touched or used it's not that it feels disgusting but it doesn't feel right either. It's hard to explain like when I'm doing adult activities to her (that's not using the appendage) I'm in the zone I enjoy it. But yet when I use the other thing it's like I come out of the zone and almost like clock watching. And this has been with every single woman I've been with.

I'm just scared that maybe because I'll still use it makes me less trans because I'll use it?? Like if I had a genie I'd insanely wish for it to be gone and so I'm really confused.

[Lori Dee]

Been there for sure.

But it does not make you less trans. Humans enjoy pleasure. Being transgender has nothing to do with sex. Read that again. Being transgender has nothing to do with sex.

Transgender means your gender identity (how you see yourself) does not match the body you are living in. So a transgender person can be gay, straight, asexual, pansexual, or anything in between.

Understand that biological sex, gender identity, sexual preference, and romantic preference have nothing to do with each other. They are separate facets of our body, mind, and spirit.

[Helen994]

Ok so if it doesn't make me less ant trans would the opposite also be true that becuase I don't feel nothing for it thst would be adding more towards signs that I am trans?

[Nadine Spirit]

.... more towards signs that I am trans?

Try and separate what you like or don't like in sex from whether or not you may be transgender. The two things are not connected.

The best way to resolve your concerns of if you are transgender or not, and what's up with your sexuality is to start seeing a gender therapist. That was the best choice I made and I only wish I would have been willing to find a gender specific therapist sooner.

[KathyLauren]

Ok so if it doesn't make me less ant trans would the opposite also be true that because I don't feel nothing for it thst would be adding more towards signs that I am trans?

As LoriDee said, sex and gender are two completely different things.  So your sexual inclinations mean nothing at all about whether you are trans or not.  Trans people can be gay, straight, asexual, bisexual, etc., just as cis people can.

While it is not a sign that you are or aren't trans, my impression is that your situation is not uncommon among trans people.  I can certainly relate, as can many others.

I second Nadine's recommendation to talk to a gender therapist.  Like her, I wish I'd done it sooner.

[Maid Marion]

It is normal to feel conflicted because people in power gaslight other people in any way they can.
The hidden nature of sexuality makes it a convenient issue for gaslighting.

More out in the open is the control of women by criticizing their appearance.
Women are given impossible and often conflicting criticism on how they should look.
Many women lose their voluptuous curves if they starve themselves.
But, they can't be thin enough for some critics.  Physically impossible to do both!
The criticism of TaylorSwift is perhaps the easiest to find because she is Rich and Famous.
She is a hero to many because she refused to "stay in her lane."
Instead she beat the man.  Over and over again!

[Allie Jayne]

Helen, as others have said, Gender and Sexuality are completely different things, but they can affect each other. Trans people often are affected by dysphoria, and dysphoria can increase when doing things which might affirm assigned sex. So it is not unusual for us to not enjoy some sexual activity involving parts of our bodies which trigger dysphoria.

Many of us avoid looking at our birth genitals, and feel bad when they become aroused. This is not about sexuality, but about dysphoria. So it is not unusual to be attracted to women, but not feel good about using our birth parts to have sex with them. It's not about being more or less trans, but being affected by dysphoria.

Hugs,

Allie

[Helen994]

Thank you everyone for your replies it does honestly mean a lot to me ❤️

I think becuase of my own ignorance of trying to push everything away from my mind related to anything other than what would be considered a "normal" cisgendered life constantly, I'm a little bit naive about things like this so honestly thank you for helping me realise there is a difference, however this is still something I'll 100% bring up with my therapist when I get one ❤️

[Sarah B]

Hi Helen

You mentioned the following in your post:

Hey everyone (please put this put this post on another thread if it's not right place to post this😅)

So I just wanted peoples thoughts on this. Although I've (male at birth) always had questions about my gender (which I was always try to push away and pretend it's not happening) I've had quite a few sexual partners (cis women) and I wanted to know if it was normal to feel like sex was like meh take it or leave it?

Please don't worry about posting in the wrong 'area', if a posting does get posted in the wrong area it will be moved to an appropriate thread.

For me I have always wanted or longed to be a female, I always kept these thoughts to myself and I never pushed those thoughts away.  Unfortunately, I cannot comment on the rest of your comment.  As I was never intimate with another women or man before I changed my life around.

I love the body of a woman and wish that I had it and when we do adult activities when my appendage is being touched or used it's not that it feels disgusting but it doesn't feel right either. It's hard to explain like when I'm doing adult activities to her (that's not using the appendage) I'm in the zone I enjoy it. But yet when I use the other thing it's like I come out of the zone and almost like clock watching. And this has been with every single woman I've been with.

I have from time to time admired other women's bodies, but then this is just one behaviour of humans, liking another persons body.  Whatever you do in terms of adult activities as long as you are comfortable and happy with, then there is nothing wrong with doing it.

As others have said Gender Identity is not connected with your Sexuality.  Even before I changed my life around, I did not want to get involved with another women (well I was a female!) and men, well they were not even a consideration to me.  Until I changed my life around and had surgery.  Then everything made sense of course.  I was just straight (heterosexual) and of course I have been happy ever since so to speak.

I'm just scared that maybe because I'll still use it makes me less trans because I'll use it?? Like if I had a genie I'd insanely wish for it to be gone and so I'm really confused.

Using what you have does not make you any less 'trans'.  Humans have varying degrees of sexual desire and participating in activities with others there is nothing wrong in doing so.  As already mentioned your Gender Identity is not connected with your Sexuality in anyway.

I never wished what I had gone. (well in a sense I did) as I knew it would become useful eventually.  So if you are still confused, I would suggest that when you see a 'therapist' then you mention these issues.  So that you can become better informed about yourself.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Helen994

[Helen994]

Ah ok thank you I was really stressing that I was posting in the wrong place and didn't want to be like reprimanded or something like I have on other sites 🫣

See I thinks that's part of the issue like I wouldn't say I'm happy about using the appendage and I don't get joy from it but it's not like I'm not either, it's sort of just there if they want to use it to make themselves feel good just go for it (I'm a huge people pleaser so would add always put others before myself anyways).

Don't get me wrong I fully love everyone and could easily be with a partner identifying in any way they choose, I do have preferences but those preferences don't align with my body. Like I love hetero guys with big muscles and when I have fantasies it's always me in my correct gender doing things. But when I think of like bi sexual or gay men in my current appearance (for want of a better way to say it) I just can't for the life of me imagine me getting sexual with them with my whole downstairs area (front and back) cause it just feels wrong and I think this is why I've struggled to separate the two ❤️

[Sarah B]

Hi Helen

You said and I quote:

Thank you everyone for your replies it does honestly mean a lot to me ❤️

You are more than welcome and it's good to hear that we have helped you in some small way.

I think becuase of my own ignorance of trying to push everything away from my mind related to anything other than what would be considered a "normal" cisgendered life constantly, I'm a little bit naive about things like this so honestly thank you for helping me realise there is a difference, however this is still something I'll 100% bring up with my therapist when I get one ❤️

Well, unfortunately you do not have a monopoly on 'ignorance' or being naive.  In my time there was no information, internet or the various groups so to speak.  Therefore, I was extremely ignorant and naive at the time, there was however a little information that allowed me to become who I am today.

Today there is a wealth of information available.  The Internet, Susan's Place, YouTube and numerous organisations devoted to helping people with issues similar to yours.  Even today I'm still ignorant in certain areas, however I'm still learning and that is the main thing to do.

So being ignorant or naive is nothing to be ashamed about, all you need to do is go out there and learn what you need to learn.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Helen994

[Helen994]

To be honest I spend a lot of time on YouTube looking at different individuals who went through similar things and I'm like they're so brave to be voicing everything aloud and helping people.

I'm just at a point I want to run and hide 😅but I'm so happy we get this information now so that even if it turns out I'm somehow wrong in what I feel and it's not true I can still be respectful to everyone else ☺️

[Sarah B]

Hi Helen

Ah ok thank you I was really stressing that I was posting in the wrong place and didn't want to be like reprimanded or something like I have on other sites.

If you happen to post in the wrong 'thread', then you will know, it will be moved and you will get a message saying that is the case and the reason why.  However, to be reprimanded for making a mistake or not sure on what to post where.  Is wrong.  Unless of course you keep doing the same mistake again and again.

See I thinks that's part of the issue like I wouldn't say I'm happy about using the appendage and I don't get joy from it but it's not like I'm not either, it's sort of just there if they want to use it to make themselves feel good just go for it (I'm a huge people pleaser so would add always put others before myself anyways).

Don't get me wrong I fully love everyone and could easily be with a partner identifying in any way they choose, I do have preferences but those preferences don't align with my body. Like I love hetero guys with big muscles and when I have fantasies it's always me in my correct gender doing things. But when I think of like bi sexual or gay men in my current appearance (for want of a better way to say it) I just can't for the life of me imagine me getting sexual with them with my whole downstairs area (front and back) cause it just feels wrong and I think this is why I've struggled to separate the two ❤️

Whatever your preferences are, they are yours and yours only and if they change over time then so be it.  It is not your fault or problem if others do not like your preferences, once you have discussed what you like and do not like.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

[Robbyv213]

I have had very similar thoughts. Due to my past it has confused me very much when I think about my gender and sexuality. When I was very young or younger than one should be when they have their first sexual experience.

 Mine was with another male. And I was too young to know that it was wrong. Not that too men being together is wrong but the proximity of who the other male was to me was wrong and inappropriate. So it has made me question if that first experience (which I did enjoy) affected me to where I felt I needed to be a girl to continue to be with men, or if it had any thing to do with my gender identity crisis all my life and the awakening of the woman inside.

I had often wondered if I am gay straight or bi or something entirely different. I have often wondered if Im gay but in denial and transitioning is my way to make me feel ok to want to be with other men. Even though I am very sexually attracted to women as well.

Like you said in your mind if you envision yourself as a woman it feels right to be with a man. I have had the same thoughts many times. Which has lead me to talk to a therapist and do Alot of research on the topic.

There are reports that some gay men transition so they can comfortably be with cis straight men, and for a long time I felt I was in that category as well. But then I currently can't see myself being romantic with a man even if I envision myself as woman. So for me I feel that there are more things that point towards me being bi than anything else (at least when it come to sexuality. ) I still sometimes come back to this and over think it.

But these are all things a good therapist will help you navigate.

[Helen994]

Sorry for the slow replies I've been really run down recently.

Sarah b thank you for clarifying that I was stressing I'd get kicked out the group I want to be with and obviously I'll learn from my mistakes ☺️

Robby it's really frustrating trying to sort my sexual identity out as well as my sexual preferences so I'm glad I'm not in this boat alone 😅

[Robbyv213]

@Helen994

yes it's alot to take on try to figure out things about ourselves. That's just one of the topics my therapist is helping with. So far we're covering, my gender identity, sexual abuse I sustained as a child and the resulting confusion around my sexuality, marriage and relationship issues that I'm trying to navigate since my wife found out that I believe i am trans, and ways to express myself. I'm sure there will be many more topics that come up along the way as I transition. So having a therapist that specializes in gender identity issues and other topics in and or surrounding the LGBTQ community is very helpful.

I pay out of pocket right now, and we have our hour sessions every other week over a video conference call. So I can do that when ever even at work during lunch. I found my therapist online. If you're able to find someone local that you feel you connect with then that's even better. I think I had about 7 free 15 min initial consultation calls to see if I was a good fit for each therapist I was considering. Ultimately I went with who I felt most comfortable with.

[Asche]

FWIW, there are M2F trans people who live as women, but keep their (male) genitals and use them, and feel entirely trans.  There are no rules here (aside from the ones the transphobes erect to keep us down.)  And that's not even taking into consideration all the varieties of enbies.