Okay, so if any of you have seen my other posts, you know I am married to a beautiful, very loving and supportive woman. Even though I have given her a lot of reasons to, she has not left me and still remains by my side. She is even okay with and encouraging my transition which is amazing...... However.......quite often she will look at my penis as if she is looking at a terminally ill child that she is losing. And it absolutely KILLS ME!!!! I am only almost 5 months on HRT. But I have known for a very long that a FULL transition is the only way for me to achieve complete happiness. I have despised my penis for my entire life and I want it gone so bad and plan to pursue GCS as soon as I can. But........there is that constant sadness as I realize what that means for my wife. I love to have sex with her, and she loves my penis like crazy. And it feels like I am being so selfish to want to take that away from her. I love her to death and want the best for her and want her to be happy, and I hate knowing that I am making a decision that is going to affect her so negatively.
I struggle REALLY bad with it lately. At night I lay there for quite some time having second thoughts. Thinking about how much I love her and how much I love our sexual connection, and thinking about all of the thousands of ways that being openly transgender really screws your entire life over. Lost friends and family, hard to find employment, being treated as less than human, actual dangers of physical violence. So many reasons come flooding into my head about why this is a very bad idea! And that I have lived for 36 years as a man, why I can't I just make it work for her and everyone elses sake til I die. But......the next day.......all of the need to transition comes flooding back to me again, and I am able for the most part put out of my mind all of the negative reasons. I have always felt like a girl and have always wanted nothing more in the world than to just be who I felt I was.
But sadly.......I had to go and get involved with a girl and marry her as a man. And now I feel like I am obligated to continue being the person she married even though she is so supportive, just because I know how bad the whole thing hurts her, and how bad she is going to miss my penis and our sexual connection.
Also........she has said all along that she did not want to have any more kids. She had one daughter with a previous relationship who is now 5, and lives with us pretty much full time and just visits her dad a couple nights a week. But because we both mutually did not desire to have anymore kids......I did not store any sperm at a spermbank. Now.....here I am realizing that a LOT can change. My wife is only 25, and I am 37. She still has a lot of time to have another baby if she wanted to, and even though she says she doesn't want to, I recognize that that could easily change sometime in the future, but then what? I screwed up and did not store any sperm while I had the chance. I realize I could stop the HRT right now and in a few months, could still potentially save some swimmers. But I don't want to have to go off of HRT for that long. I suppose in the long run, that would be a super short period of time. But for someone who is trans and making such awesome progress on HRT, the thought of slowing that progress or stopping it completely by going off of HRT, is very traumatic.
So here I am........making good progress in this whole transition. Almost 5 months on HRT, and wanting so badly to be the woman I have always felt I was...but at the same time, having a very vivid realization of all of the ways it is going to screw over my life, and the lives of those I love the most, and really finding myself questioning things. The bottom line is, I know that I need this so bad for my own happiness and sense of well being. But a friend of mine said something today that really hit me. She told me that because I married my wife as a man, it is my obligation to sacrifice myself and just be there for my wife since that's what I got myself into. Is she right? Is the fact that I made the mistake of marrying my wife as a man, reason enough for me to put aside the constant draw toward being my true self? This friend of mine told me that if I want to go get manicures or pedicures to feel a little more feminine, then by all means go do that. But "You are a male, God did not make a mistake" and she basically made me feel like a super ->-bleeped-<-ty horrible person for what I am doing to my wife who loves me so much. She said "you are really putting your wife through a lot with this, and because of the way you were raised, you are only thinking about yourself right now and your own needs, and you are not thinking about the needs of this amazing woman who is still standing by your side." That is not actually true. I think about my wife and how this affects her CONSTANTLY!!!! Which is why I am making this post. But I wonder if there is any validity to her statement that because I made the decision to marry my wife as a man, that I have an obligation to remain her man. My wife is so supportive, that if I were to tell her that I decided not to transition, she wouldn't have anything to do with that, because she has witnessed first hand how much happier I have been. To have to suppress those feelings again would send me into a very closed off depressive state. I might even reach a point where I no longer desire to live because I am forced to be someone and something I am not.
I am really struggling here!!! I wish so bad that certain peoples words didn't get to me so much! This particular friend was one of the ones who reached out to me when I came out on Facebook and told me that she accepted me and still wanted to be my friend. And so when she wanted to talk on the phone today, I thought she was a completely accepting person. But then come to find out, she is very much Christian and used a LOT of God talk. But still....she really made me feel terrible about what I am doing to my wife by choosing to do this. And I love my wife so much, that I can't stand the thought of what it is doing to her either. I am so tempted at times to just throw away my HRT and let my testosterone levels come back up, and continue being a man for my wife. Then if her and I were to somehow separate, then I could start the transition again where I am no longer affecting her with it. But then again, how long would I be living in sadness and misery? The sadness and depression would most likely end up either killing me anyway, or causing so many marital issues that we would end up leaving each other anyway. So it seems to me like the best option is to go ahead and transition, and be happy, and try to be there for my wife in other ways to attempt to make up for the loss of my penis. Such an absolutely screwed up position for a person to have to be in. Holy hell!!
