Were you cross dressing before you realized you were transgender (MTF)?

[Sephirah]

Were you cross dressing before you realized you were transgender (MTF)?

Many are transgender.  However, many simply remain as only crossdressers.  Which are you and when did you know for sure what you were (transgender or cross dresser only)?

Note that if you are MTF or FTM, if you dress in your gender conforming clothes, you are not actually crossdressing.  At least, I do not think so.

This is a really interesting question. Because I think the answer, for me, is yes. Although at the time I did not see it that way. See, when I was a kid, my best friends were my next door neighbours. Two girls. And we used to have so much fun making rosewater perfume (which was utterly pathetic), plastering makeup on each other like Homer Simpson with the makeup gun, and walking round in our mum's high heels, mimicking 80's Bonnie Tyler power ballads. At the time there was literally nothing wrong with that. It was just what we did. I never thought anything of it. They never thought anything of it. It was natural.

The thing is... it felt natural. Before the mess of growing up. Going through all the stuff that made you different even if you didn't want to be. After that, no. Mostly because it never felt enough. It felt fake. It felt like acting. It felt like... I can't even put it into words. Not enough? Maybe. Maybe not wanting to because of the realisation of however much you tried, you were never going to be the person you wanted to be? I don't know. I think it was a whole different mindset to people who crossdress, honestly. And there's nothing wrong with that. It just was not for me outside of that childhood period because... I don't really know. To quote the OG Final Fantasy 7: "You look like a bear in a sailor suit!"

Just wasn't for me.

[Athena]

Yes. I was cross dressing since the age of 12, I stopped refusing to accept that I was trans until my 40's. I was deep into internalized transphobia and deeply denied myself.

[Sephirah]

I stopped refusing to accept that I was trans until my 40's. I was deep into internalized transphobia and deeply denied myself.

Athena, can I ask what internalized transphobia is? What it equates to in how you feel about yourself? I see this term used a lot but I really don't understand what it means. It feels to me like jargon. PR speak. I know it isn't and that's why I'm asking. What does this feel like?

[Athena]

Mainly hating yourself for being trans. Trying to isolate from anything trans. Also taking out self loathing on others who remind you of your truth.
A friend came out as trans before I was willing to accept the truth about myself and I reacted poorly. I feel ashamed now and I wish I didn't push her away.

[Carolina]

Dear ChrissyRyan,

  As a closeted cross-dresser my earliest memories were from maybe 5 or 6 (?) when I secretly enjoyed wearing my mother's slips and girdles (well THAT places me in time, doesn't it?).  An only child in the country, I didn't have the opportunities that others mention of playful sisters or girls who were encouraging friends.

  And from the "Standard Definitions" (which just don't seem right to me) I fit the "->-bleeped-<-" definition rather than the "cross-dresser" definition since there tends to be a strong sexual element when I "dress"and transform into my other self.

  And the female part of me is happily content to remain hidden within, letting me get on with the day to day hassles of living.  But she is always in the background and certainly does blossom when the right times come.  We are friends, two entities sharing one body.  Occasionally I consider the possibility of "reincarnation" with the two of us having been intertwined for eons.

  So when did the "realization" of "transgender" arrive?  Again, I fit the "standard definition" without really believing that I do since I believe in the "duality" of my existence - I am somewhat amused at the thought of one entity within desiring to overwhelm and destroy the other. We are dear friends and appreciate what the other does for us.   

  So there's my experience for you to reflect upon.  Love, Caroline.
     
 
 


   

[Lilis]

Yes. IIRC I spent my first 7 years of my life in a farm with my paternal grandparents, 2 sisters, 5 female cousins, and 2 aunts as my parents were away for business and they would only take my older brother with them, my younger brother was not born at the time. I remember vaguely playing and dressing up with them as the girls were all around my age.

At around 30 years old, I began going into my ex's wardrobe when she wasn't home or was away for work and I was alone in the house. When it all began I thought it was just cross-dressing and I identify as just a cross-dresser at the time.

Now, I am no longer a cross-dresser, and I learned that there's an internal part of me that is way more and beyond just clothes.

[Lori Dee]

So when did the "realization" of "transgender" arrive?  Again, I fit the "standard definition" without really believing that I do since I believe in the "duality" of my existence - I am somewhat amused at the thought of one entity within desiring to overwhelm and destroy the other. We are dear friends and appreciate what the other does for us. 

I find this quite fascinating because it sounds almost like you are describing what the Native Americans call "Two-Spirit".

Traditionally, the term applied to masculine females and feminine males. Such people have always been considered special and are often revered as prophets, teachers, and healers. Now in modern times with the acceptance of the LGBTQ Community, the definition of "two-spirit" has been expanded.

"Two-spirit" refers to a person who identifies as having both a masculine and a feminine spirit, and is used by some Indigenous people to describe their sexual, gender and/or spiritual identity.

Two-Spirit Community

[Sephirah]

Mainly hating yourself for being trans. Trying to isolate from anything trans. Also taking out self loathing on others who remind you of your truth.
A friend came out as trans before I was willing to accept the truth about myself and I reacted poorly. I feel ashamed now and I wish I didn't push her away.

Thank you for this. I see people talking about it a lot but never understand what it means since I never felt it personally.

So it's, essentially, an adverse reaction to the point of hatred. Going the total other way on the scale of who you are, in an effort to make it go away. I think I understand now.

[Athena]

That is the way it is with me. I was in denial so badly that I wanted to have the money to go to the dark web to find someone to forcefully transition me into female but I was adamant that I wasn't trans. I was that deep in denial.

[ChrissyRyan]

Thanks for sharing out.

Chrissy