Body too big to ever go full time

[ChrissyRyan]

Now that you mention it, didn't the forum at one time have an "Androgynous"sub-section?  I liked that section; I found it very appealing and I was often looking for ways to make myself a little more so androgynous, if I could.  I'm a guy but never felt right with my square frame and square head.

I have seen androgynous related postings in the non-binary section.

[Sephirah]

Big kudos to the staff for doing what they do.

All I will say on this is that... we never see ourselves as beautiful. Literally not ever. We are not pre-disposed to think that way. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is utterly subjective. And... so many people here, I see either how they look, or how they are... and see the beauty in them. Even when they don't see it inside themselves. People are so achingly beautiful just because of how they are with the world. Don't let anyone put some kind of standard on you. Live up to your own standard. Be how you want the world to be. Then you live with no regrets. No matter how the rest of the world reacts. A lot of people here get that, and that's what allows them to shine.

Shine on. <3

[barbie]

When I was a teen, my classmates used to make fun of my narrow shoulders (together with my slim waist and legs). But my shoulders are wider than the average woman's. I think I am a between, androgynous. Now I see that my shoulders are wide, but nobody pinpoints my shoulders as a mark of either gender.



barbie~~

[Sephirah]

Barbie, you make the most of yourself, honey. I've been watching your channel and the videos you've posted. Girl, you just be you. You have legs that make even most cis women jealous... but you just do your own thing and are proud of it. That's what life is. You are gorgeous because you have got to a point where you know you are.

[barbie]

Yes. Sephirah. I do not dislike any part of my body. Once I wished I had breasts, trying to get HRT. But, although the psychiatrist approved it, with my family, the physician said he would prescribe HRT if my wife came together to agree. I just stopped there. Nowadays I do not dislike my flat chest.



My obsession is always with my waist. I believe the waist size is the most critical in the beauty of the human body regardless of gender. Decreasing girth size also makes me look like having breasts. I will soon go out for running before the rain comes. I ate too much during the holidays this week here.

Cheers,

barbie~~

[Gertrude]

I haven't been on in a while and I saw the title and wanted to look. I am 6'4-5 and I know where you're coming from. I haven't gotten as far as you vis a vis HRT, but a while back I lost a lot of weight(thank you @Devlyn) and it made some difference. Even at 215, I had a 48" chest without boob development. I've put a lot of that weight back on, but, I am working to get it off again as I did before... Recently though, I've come to a different conclusion and that is what one focuses on. I noticed that when I am dressed in a way that I feel is the real me, I feel like a different person. Confident, directed, calm and for a lack of a better word, real. I think as people, when we operate from whom we are, meaning a place of authenticity and transparency, we can be all we can be and then it really doesn't matter what others think. That's the rub. It's social comparison and conformism that drives a lot of people to low self-esteem. I mean, look at clothes ads. Even the majority of CIS women don't look like the models. I think that when one becomes connected with themselves, they can connect to the world well. For me, therapy helped, but I still hid. Then I got older and something wonderful is happening. I care a lot less what others think than I used to. I also went back to school and I am in my last class for a BS in psychology. That has helped a lot too. In the spring, I am retiring and then starting in a MSW program and I hope to specialize in clinical work with the LGBTQIA population. Dr Melfi watch out. 

[Sephirah]

Attitude is really the most important thing. I know I keep saying it but... Barbie has this down. Go watch her channel. This girl knows she's gorgeous and shows it off every chance she gets... admittedly in some of the most achingly beautiful places on the planet. As a Brit, I am intensely jealous of where most other people live, lol.

Gertrude, you are affirming this. Be you. Be all of you. What you are doing in your life right now is amazing, and you should be extremely proud. Don't try to be anyone other than you, because... as we all know... you'll likely fail.

I hope for the best for you, sweetie. Because anyone who wants to work with other people in order to make their lives better... I find those people utterly amazing, and people the rest of the world should look up to. I am proud of you! <3

[barbie]

As a Brit, I am intensely jealous of where most other people live, lol.

I have never been to the UK, but the stereotype here is that European cities are well-preserved and managed. Especially, Ireland is a popular destination for its pristine scenery. Some of my Facebook friends posted photos taken there. Here there are always too many people.

A few years ago, I had a chance to visit Plymouth, but the covid-19 mangled all of my plan. I wish I will have an opportunity again.

Cheers,

barbie~~

[Sephirah]

I have never been to the UK, but the stereotype here is that European cities are well-preserved and managed. Especially, Ireland is a popular destination for its pristine scenery. Some of my Facebook friends posted photos taken there. Here there are always too many people.

A few years ago, I had a chance to visit Plymouth, but the covid-19 mangled all of my plan. I wish I will have an opportunity again.

Cheers,

barbie~~

Yeah we have a lot of history. Ireland, Scotland and Wales all have breathtakingly beautiful places to visit. The Scottish Highlands especially. All that... solitude. I suppose we have that in England as well. Maybe I just can't see the wood for the trees, lol.

I was in Plymouth for a while during my Navy days. It's... nice? Some of it is, anyway.

From what I've seen from where you are though, Barbie... you live in a very beautiful place.

[SoupSarah]

I think some of this is a time thing. Once you transition full time, you have that nagging doubt that everyone is watching you and everyone 'knows' you and your history..
It takes a while, years even for this to calm down.. heck, I even get jitters of it now and then. However, on the whole, I am well integrated and happy with being me.

Some of this is the GD - it is solved but it takes a while for the bite to leave. You still have the same face in the most part and that (maybe) was triggering you before you got your beard removed and shaped your eyebrows.. but still, it can trigger - there is only time that will fix this.

I guess being 'thrown' into a world where you need to fit in and be a team player with a lot of other people, or like me, work in a public facing environment. Meeting dozens of new people each day.. you probably get 'over' this phase a little quicker? I was talking to a colleague about our childhoods, growing up. She mentioned that she was never a cheerleader type and never dated any 'jocks'.. I said 'Yeah, me too, I was always the ugly nerd in the corner'.. this was true.. but her response was 'Yeah right!'.. It just goes to show that you cannot judge peoples perception of you and really have to just ignore it and be yourself.

I always tell people to transition into yourself.. Love yourself and believe in the power of you. It will bring inner peace.

(If you want to know what it is like to walk on the moon, ask an astronaut who has been there not a person who owns a telescope!)

[Jan555]

Own it.  Dress feminine or masculine but not in the middle.
In the middle can be really sexy because you fall in the "uncanny valley" which sets of people's red flags. But, no, androgeny is not a good idea for blending in.  Folks can see when someone is hiding.

I disagree. After starting very MTF I currently consider myself as genderfluid. Consequently I dress unisex, or androgynous. I've got A cup boobs, but 40" chest, so fairly masculine chest. My hair is a good few inches past my shoulders, but other facial features could be male or female. This works for me. So what if I confuse people as to whether I'm male or female. They can think what they like. I'm happy. And isn't happiness what it's all about. Being happy and being yourself, whatever that might be.

Completely agree with the comment "First step is accepting yourself", but if that's in the middle and makes you happy, then that's the place to be.

[Rachel]

Hi, I am 6'1" and I started HRT over 12 years ago. When I started HRT I was 6'3" so I lost 2 inches. My body did redistribute fat a bit. I definitely have a layer of subcutaneous fat and and have substantially softer lighter in color skin.

I had facial surgery and hair transplants and other surgeries. I have done all I will do as far as surgery. I do not know if I could have surgery now if I wanted it, which I definitely do not. 

I go to the gym and lift heavy weight. I was really small breasted after 5 years on HRT so I had a BA. I have been on HRT a long time and my breasts have grown over that time. I would have gotten smaller implants if I had known.

My shoulders I never really thought about, until now. I have 49 inches shoulders and have a 45 inch bust. I do not know if that is good or bad in some people minds. I really do not care. Tops fit.

I am self conscious about my long arms and long legs. But then I get compliments on my long legs. I do hack squat 350 pounds so my legs do look good. I do 100 pounds landmines for my butt, it has helped. 205 pound flies and I have nice breast definition. I do 100 pounds for lats. It is easy but I do not want my lats bigger. 

I am not a small person and I am not a petite person. I was in Costco today with a lands End hoodie zipped up (no bra on) and I was gendered female. Guys hold the doors for me and never leave the elevator first.

Self doubt is something we all have to some degree or another. We all wish we looked different or better. I have blond hair and I think I would like light brown. I have dark blue green eyes and I wish they were light blue. I wish I was 5'7" and petite. I have had woman say to me they wish they were tall. I have curly hair. I have had woman say to me they wished they had curly hair.  My daughter is 5'10" and she told me she wished she was 3 inches shorter.

I use to be so self conscious about how I looked before transition, during transition and after. Then at some point I am really comfortable in my skin.

I had some challenging information in early 2023. I got a right( Flowers in the trans flag colors) and left (traditional Japanese) sleeve and about 60 percent done my back and butt ( traditional Japanese main feature is a mustard Kitsune). I also have a small septum piercing.

I transitioned because I could no longer live in my old hiding place. I did body art because I wanted to express how I feel and how I see the world and me in it.

During my annual evaluation my supervisor said to me, "You are different, I mean you have sleeves". I looked at him and smiled.

Anyhow, I understand how you feel. I know transitioning when I did I would not look like I wanted. I do like how I look.

I had three vocal surgeries and a lot of issues with the second surgery. The third surgery corrected the issues and provided a very female voice. I did not like my voice. I have had several people (males) say I have a very sexy voice. I thought what. I really did not like my voice so 2 years ago I went to a Laryngologist and speech pathologist at Penn. They told me my voice sounds beautiful and very female. Also, my pitch is high. I had no comparison. I could not listen to a recording and hear my voice objectively. I am very happy with my voice now.

We are our worst critic. I never think about passing or my voice now. I like my sleeves and back (so far). I love expressing now ( I use to be extremely self conscious). I even like my hair.

So, if what is holding you back from being you is a shoulder measurement, you are lucky. 

[SoupSarah]

I disagree. After starting very MTF I currently consider myself as genderfluid. Consequently I dress unisex, or androgynous. I've got A cup boobs, but 40" chest, so fairly masculine chest. My hair is a good few inches past my shoulders, but other facial features could be male or female. This works for me. So what if I confuse people as to whether I'm male or female. They can think what they like. I'm happy. And isn't happiness what it's all about. Being happy and being yourself, whatever that might be.

Completely agree with the comment "First step is accepting yourself", but if that's in the middle and makes you happy, then that's the place to be.

Absolutely, spot on..

[Maid Marion]

Yes, being in the middle can be a good thing if that is what you need to be happy.

[barbie]

My height is 184 cm (6 feet), and I sometimes walk on 13 cm (5 inch) highheel sandals, making my height 197 cm. Sometimes people are surprised when suddenly bumping into me. Fortunately, nobody yet screamed.



barbie~~

[Jan555]

Fortunately, nobody yet screamed.

I certainly wouldn't scream if I bumped into you *blushes*

[Caiwen]

Hi! I hope you're feeling well today! I just wanted to share a bit about myself to see if it resonates or not. If not, hopefully someone can find a little nugget to help.

I'm currently 6'3 and weigh about 400 lbs. My hands are MASSIVE. I can palm a basketball. I look like a regular size person drinking a 20 ounce drink if I hold a two litre. My shoulders are much broader than Floor Jansen's. I can't order a bike helmet that isn't custom because my head is so big. I wear size 14 Wide (US) in shoes.

If I could design my own body, I would be 5' or under, 100lbs or under. Tiny frame, etc. This is what I saw in my mind as myself.

For me, shooting for this standard was absolutely killing me on every level. I was so depressed and even suicidal while addressing my dysphoria on this. Like, why in the world can't I just BE who I feel like, right? As a trans person, I know you know that feeling well. I understand where you're coming from.

For me, and maybe it will work for you, maybe it won't, I had to reframe the way I thought. Instead of this big feeling inside that says "I need to be like this to be a girl," I started saying "I am a girl. Just as I am. No one can take that away from me." It doesn't have to be these exact words, of course, but validating myself as a girl and giving myself permission to believe that, and hold it in my heart as true, helped me move forward.

Instead of constantly worry about "How am I going to look like this?" I had to take a much more grounded approach. I recognized, that while this is how I see myself, it's not a part of any reality that can happen. There is no way, physically, that I can ever be 5' tall, and I think my skeleton weighs more than 100 lbs lol.

I set myself up with two scenarios to get here. "What does my life look like if I had zero restrictions, and I got to choose every aspect of it?" and "What does my life look like if I continue this path exactly as I am right now?"

My reality is that I am larger than most "typical" women. But my reality is also that I am a woman at my core. So, how do I make those two things work together since this is...reality? Do I want to forever chase that literally unobtainable dream or do I want to use the time I have left to just enjoy myself?

I realize that this may not work for everyone. I realize that everyone's battle with dysphoria is real, valid, and very personal. But, if I could ask that you take one thing from this, its that you are a woman right now. With your big beautiful shoulders all the way to your big beautiful brain. You are valid. You are loved.

[Lori Dee]

@Caiwen

Thank you for that.

You are absolutely correct. What we tend to forget is that cis women feel pressured to look a certain way too. They obsess with their weight, and their hips, "Do these jeans make me look fat?". So, as women, it is not unusual for us to want to look perfect.

In the movie, "The Equalizer" Denzel Washington's character is helping a coworker lose weight and get into shape to achieve his dream of becoming a security guard. The guy gets depressed thinking this will never happen.

Denzel's advice? "Progress, not Perfection."

If you need to lose weight, then do it. If you need to walk more, then do it. If you need to grow your hair long, then do it. We don't have a genie who can grant us wishes. Transition is a long process. Longer for some than others.

Would I love to have a body fit for a bikini? Absolutely. Will it happen? Probably not, I'm 67 and nobody wants to see that.    But that doesn't mean I can't work toward that goal.

We know who we are on the inside. By definition, dysphoria is when our outside doesn't match. So we change our bodies to get closer to a match. It doesn't need to be perfect. As long as we can get close enough to be comfortable in our own skin. For some, they can do it on their own. For others, face-to-face meetings with a therapist with experience in gender identities help us to understand and accept ourselves. It took me two years of therapy to understand what being transgender meant and accept that this is me. Then I started my transition and began working on getting my outside to match my inside.

[Sephirah]

For me, and maybe it will work for you, maybe it won't, I had to reframe the way I thought. Instead of this big feeling inside that says "I need to be like this to be a girl," I started saying "I am a girl. Just as I am. No one can take that away from me." It doesn't have to be these exact words, of course, but validating myself as a girl and giving myself permission to believe that, and hold it in my heart as true, helped me move forward.

This is wonderful.

You don't try to be anything. You come at it from a place where you already are. Too many times I've seen people talking about trying to be a woman. Like they have some image stuck in their head of what the ideal woman should be. And anything other than that is abject failure.

This approach will always be doomed to fail, because all these images are created, curated, unrealistic. Even the people in them don't look like that without hours of work behind the scenes. If it's who you are, it's who you are. If you own your life from an understanding rather than an aspirational standpoint... it will go much better.

You don't have to be a woman, like some mythical unicorn, you just have to be you. And own it. Women aren't some kind of Greek Goddess immortalised in marble. They're you and me. Half the people in the world. Different shapes, sizes, loves, hates, beliefs, fears, strengths and weaknesses. Just be you and let the world adapt. Don't try to adapt to the world.