it keeps coming back. why I stopped, my fears.. help me settle this

[mickib]

I'm new on here. I tried HRT, started dressing at home and under my clothes, bought wigs, makeup, had my eyebrows done, started wearing nail polish in public, got MORE ear piercings, came out to my brothers and sisters (who thought I was nuts), my children(who seemed to not care at all) and told my Ex that I was "Doing it".

About 5 weeks into HRT, getting legal forms to change my name, etc. I gave up. I collapsed. between how bad HRT was making me feel, stress at work, pressures of getting electrolysis done on my face (can't undo it), surgery costs, for what I believe I need to do(boob implants FFS, larnyx shave, orchy(which I really want), I'm thinking its at least 50-100k of work. I have a very STRONG desire to also retire soon, I'm tired of tech work. so....I just gave up, with a f it..whats the point, just live, grow old, die finality. But..this desire didn't go away... and... I hate giving up and now I feel like I was wrong, that if I had had a local endo and local doctor helping me with HRT I'd still be going. but then there is the costs of all of this.. I honestly don't see how I can afford all of this, and retire. Its overwhelming.

Anyone care to unpack of suggest how I get back on HRT, and do this? anyone know of a LOCAL provider just south of portland oregon taking patients?

[Lori Dee]

Anyone care to unpack of suggest how I get back on HRT, and do this? anyone know of a LOCAL provider just south of portland oregon taking patients?

I just did a quick internet search and found:

Portland offers several resources for gender-affirming care, including hormone therapy, surgery, and mental health support. Several clinics and organizations provide gender-affirming care in Portland, including Planned Parenthood, Outside In, OHSU, and Legacy Health. Additionally, the Oregon Health Plan (OHP) webpage covers medically necessary gender-affirming care.

Specific Resources and Services:

Planned Parenthood:
.
Offers gender-affirming hormone therapy and other related services at their NE Portland Health Center, according to Planned Parenthood.

Outside In:
.
Provides a range of gender-affirming services, including hormone therapy via informed consent, for those 15 and older (with guardian consent for those 13-15).

OHSU (Oregon Health & Science University):
.
Offers primary care, transgender-affirming care, and support services through their Transgender Health Program and other clinics like the Doernbecher Children's Hospital and Gender Pathways Clinic.

Legacy Health:
.
Provides a variety of gender-affirming services, including medical care, mental health support, and surgeries for transgender individuals, according to Legacy Health.

Prism Health:
.
Offers primary care and gender-affirming services for transgender and gender non-conforming individuals, including hormone therapy and surgery referrals.

Bridge City Family Medical Clinic:
.
Supports transgender patients with gender-affirming services, promoting mental and physical well-being, and fostering a safe environment, according to Bridge City Family Medical Clinic.

Other Relevant Information:

Oregon's Medicaid program (Oregon Health Plan): Covers medically necessary gender-affirming care, according to Oregon.gov.

Informed Consent: In Oregon, gender-affirming hormone therapy is often available via an informed consent process, meaning you don't necessarily need a letter of support from a therapist.

Mental Health Support: Many resources offer mental health services, including therapy and psychiatric evaluation, to support individuals in their gender transition journey.

For a more comprehensive list of resources, it's recommended to check the websites of the organizations mentioned above or contact local LGBTQ+ resource centers for more information.

[mickib]

I really appreciate you trying. I too have used google-fu. :/ lol .so... I know a lot of those.. . I have reached out to both OHSU and legacy several times in the past. started with great hopes and got sort of squashed by lack of help/response or doctors not taking new patients, etc... You are right though... persistence may be key here. I'll try again.

Planned parenthood not close to my location so thats out. 

Was hoping for a doc name that is actually taking new patients in the area near me. yet..it looks like I need to go knock on doors some more. 

[tgirlamg]

I'm new on here. I tried HRT, started dressing at home and under my clothes, bought wigs, makeup, had my eyebrows done, started wearing nail polish in public, got MORE ear piercings, came out to my brothers and sisters (who thought I was nuts), my children(who seemed to not care at all) and told my Ex that I was "Doing it".

About 5 weeks into HRT, getting legal forms to change my name, etc. I gave up. I collapsed. between how bad HRT was making me feel, stress at work, pressures of getting electrolysis done on my face (can't undo it), surgery costs, for what I believe I need to do(boob implants FFS, larnyx shave, orchy(which I really want), I'm thinking its at least 50-100k of work. I have a very STRONG desire to also retire soon, I'm tired of tech work. so....I just gave up, with a f it..whats the point, just live, grow old, die finality. But..this desire didn't go away... and... I hate giving up and now I feel like I was wrong, that if I had had a local endo and local doctor helping me with HRT I'd still be going. but then there is the costs of all of this.. I honestly don't see how I can afford all of this, and retire. Its overwhelming.

Anyone care to unpack of suggest how I get back on HRT, and do this? anyone know of a LOCAL provider just south of portland oregon taking patients?

Even if you have to drive for a Planned Parenthood location, it is likely that after that initial take appointment, phone/telehealth appointments could work for you after that... I have only done a yearly phone appointment for many years to renew my prescription and arrange the labwork...you would only need to Quest that is in your area for them to forward lab work orders to... Might be worth a call to learn more.

2 Portland locations and they offer gender care... this location is southernmost

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/oregon/portland/97236/hillman-east-portland-center-2673-91400

14601 SE Division St, Portland, OR 97236, United States

Onward!

Ashley 💕

[Allie Jayne]

Mickib, transition is a marathon, not a race! It seems like you are simply going too fast at this. HRT takes years to work, and this gives you time to adjust to changes in your body and life.

You are not nuts! We are born with incongruent gender wired into our brains, and it can take quite some time to figure out what is making us feel bad. Most people start with a gender therapist to examine if our feelings come from something else, and once other causes are eliminated, we look at gender incongruence. Not everybody with gender incongruence needs to transition, and there are many management strategies. Dysphoria is a serious condition which needs attention as it can cause depression and health problems.

Once you get to the informed decision that transition is correct for you, you must realise that everyone around you is affected. You may have had years to self examine and accept this path, but others have not had enough time to come to terms with it. You all need time. As we get to middle age, our hormones naturally change, and this can help us to realise we are trans. But it is a time of great change, and maybe not the best time to be making big decisions which can greatly affect our life and those around us, so it is best to slow things down. Talk to those close to you, and make them feel part of the decisions you make, and they will be better able to accept what is happening.

I have replied regarding HRT on your other thread, but this too is a slow process. Remember how long puberty takes, and this is what the HRT journey looks like. It is important not to jump those early steps as they support the later ones. Things to consider getting started early in your journey, because they can take a long time, are hair removal and voice training.

Best wishes for your journey!

Allie

[mickib]

Mickib, transition is a marathon, not a race! It seems like you are simply going too fast at this. HRT takes years to work, and this gives you time to adjust to changes in your body and life.

You are not nuts! We are born with incongruent gender wired into our brains, and it can take quite some time to figure out what is making us feel bad. Most people start with a gender therapist to examine if our feelings come from something else, and once other causes are eliminated, we look at gender incongruence. Not everybody with gender incongruence needs to transition, and there are many management strategies. Dysphoria is a serious condition which needs attention as it can cause depression and health problems.

Once you get to the informed decision that transition is correct for you, you must realise that everyone around you is affected. You may have had years to self examine and accept this path, but others have not had enough time to come to terms with it. You all need time. As we get to middle age, our hormones naturally change, and this can help us to realise we are trans. But it is a time of great change, and maybe not the best time to be making big decisions which can greatly affect our life and those around us, so it is best to slow things down. Talk to those close to you, and make them feel part of the decisions you make, and they will be better able to accept what is happening.

I have replied regarding HRT on your other thread, but this too is a slow process. Remember how long puberty takes, and this is what the HRT journey looks like. It is important not to jump those early steps as they support the later ones. Things to consider getting started early in your journey, because they can take a long time, are hair removal and voice training.

Best wishes for your journey!

Allie

ok... I'll pump the breaks. you aren't wrong. I feel urgency to RE-start HRT, but this time with local medical help/support. I re-called OHSU and Legacy and left messages (again). And for mental support...I do have a counseling appointment for August but honestly I DO want to get HRT going, now.. lol. I know it does take years and I want to start at 57 I think. ok breathing... Gonna take a walk and put a pin in it for tonight, maybe order some nail polish I saw earlier.

[Sephirah]

You're thinking of it like summiting Everest in one go, honey. That's where it gets overwhelming. You're looking at a list of things you have to do and focusing on step 400 when you haven't even gotten to step 5. You have to break it down into things you can do right now. Even people who climb Everest don't do that. That's what makes it manageable.

You don't think of "Can I push for the summit?". You think of "Can I get myself to the first base camp? And acclimatise myself to how this feels?" Break everything down into small steps you can accomplish, instead of giant leaps you feel you can't, sweetie. That's how we get through a lot of things in life. Don't focus on the end, focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and taking it one step at a time. It's much less stress on the psyche. When you can deal with one thing, you are more able to deal with the next. *hugs*

[mickib]

I want to push for the summit.. you are right, I will and have push till something breaks. I think its sort of how I'm wired.

"putting one foot in front of the other"

I like that idea the visual of climbing everest, TY. will work towards base camp, by finding an HRT provider locally. so far like my past experiences, auto emails, not taking new patients, voice messages, and forms requesting an audience. dang... ..ok breathe, taking my next step..breathe, taking my next step.

[Sephirah]

I want to push for the summit.. you are right, I will and have push till something breaks. I think its sort of how I'm wired.

"putting one foot in front of the other"

I like that idea the visual of climbing everest, TY. will work towards base camp, by finding an HRT provider locally. so far like my past experiences, auto emails, not taking new patients, voice messages, and forms requesting an audience. dang... ..ok breathe, taking my next step..breathe, taking my next step.

Take it one chunk at a time, okay? As much as you can handle. Sweetie you have a lot of life left in front of you. Some girls here don't find themselves until they are in their 70s, and go on to live massively fulfilling lives. It will be okay. You have it right, honey. Breathe. Focus on what's in front of you, not what's thousands of feet above you. Take that step. Focus on that step. Be okay with that step. Then take the next. Don't overreach. And I say that as someone who does that a lot. It's hard to not look at your end goal and think "OMG I have to do a thousand different things and how on earth am I going to cope!?" No... you do one thing, honey. One thing at a time. And you draw on the support of people around you who want the best for you. You'll find a lot of those people here. You get to that place and you take a breath. Feel okay with it. Then you move on. To the next step.

That's how you stop everything overloading every synapse.

You will be okay, honey. Just slow it down a little and do what you can handle. It will all work out in the end. I believe in you. *big hugs* <3

[Robbyv213]

You might try online therapist that specializes in gender identity.

I use a guy out of Colorado, I pay what ever the fee is for each appointment right after the session is done, it's all online, and we meet over secure zoom/virtual meeting.

He can even write support letters if needed. Something like that might be able to help you sort through a lot of the mental aspects your dealing with. Only down side is that the online therapy will most likely be out of pocket cost.

If you don't already maybe look up Dr z on YouTube as well. She has a lot of great videos on all sorts of trans related topics.

I too deal with the mind games my mind plays on me as much as anyone else, and Dr z's videos and many people here on Susan's have helped me greatly. I still struggle but it's less and less.