Caiwen, you are describing my life a few years ago. I had no belief I could ever be socially accepted as a woman, and I worried that I could lose those close to me and my dream job, so I refused to transition despite crippling dysphoria. Year by year my dysphoria got worse, my periods of depression got longer, but my resolve was strong. Then I got sick. Doctors said it was a virus, but no matter what they did, it got worse. By 6 months I was bed ridden, and my doctors told me to get my affairs in order.
A young doctor decide we might as well try hormones as I had nothing to lose, and within a week, I was cured. The conclusion from my medical team was that the stress on my body from the years of dysphoria had overwhelmed my systems, and I was simply shutting down. I realised I had to transition to survive, but chronic stress has many effects. I lost my wife and job, but kept my family and was able to retain my house. Then I had a heart attack with 2 cardiac arrests, directly related to stress.
I resisted transition for 5 decades, but it cost me my health. There are consequences to our decisions. I don't completely 'pass' as I'm build like a bodybuilder, but generally, people accept me as a trans woman, and I live relatively normally. I have a good relationship with my children and grandchildren, and that is enough for me. I learned that transition was not a decision for me, it was survival. If you have bad dysphoria, you need to do something about it as I found out it can kill you!
Everybody is in different situations, but I hope I have shown how serious this can become. I wish I never had to travel this path, but I am alive and enjoying my grandchildren.
Hugs,
Allie
