Sunshine and rainbows

[NatalieRene]

I saw something on ->-bleeped-<- that got me thinking. I'll attach screen shots of the post for context.

Be warned this is a self loathing rant that I just have to get off my chest. Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself.

Society is shallow. Society wants social norms. If you pass visually, behave properly and have your feminine voice society is almost like don't ask don't tell. Willfully ignorant.

I have been post op for a while now and the times I went all the way the men were into it. I know first hand that heterosexual sexual men can be into a trans woman that passes. The thing that is the hang up for them is the omg you used to be a man thing. If you don't tell them they never know the difference which tells me all I need to know.

I won't apologize for not telling some of them. If they can't tell then there is nothing to tell. Men enjoying me didn't make them gay. They were not in bed with a dude. This brings me to a point though.

Not everyone is going to reach the sunshine and rainbows phase. I wish they could. Even then there is still always the darkness. The feeling of guilt. Why you and not the other person?

I remember reading when I first started about a trans woman that was passing so well that commuted suicide and thinking why would they do that? Years later I understand now. The pain of only being able to shape yourself but still varying the stigma. The expectation that you're horrible if you don't share it and then the rejection when you do but acceptance if you don't.

What hurts me even worse is those that say they accept me using me to invalidate other trans woman because I'm physically attractive and can pass I'm really a woman and the others aren't. Conversely it hurts going to a support group and having people wonder why you're there because you couldn't possibly have residual issues from trauma. It's like you get to a point where you don't belong anywhere no matter how much you try and take history and burn it away by changing your name and gender marker in all old records.

If I had a do over I'd start sooner too but if I did have a do over I'd be really depressed that I freaking had to do all of it again. If a do over was an option why in the holy freaking heck can't it simply be fixed?!

[Lilis]

Hi Natalie,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so vulnerable.

Reading through your post, I felt so much of what you are expressing. I can hear the frustration and hurt in your words about societal expectations, the lack of understanding within communities, the assumption that you have everything figured out, the complicated way men have responded to your identity, and the idea that others can use your ability to pass against others is heartbreaking.

There's so much to unpack there, and I won't pretend to have all the answers. I just hope that what I say brings you a small measure of comfort, if just a little.

It is possible to start over, it is never easy, and it does take time to replace the old with something new and meaningful. It might not be a quick or simple process, but I believe that healing and growth are possible. And I think, you are worth the effort it takes to rebuild and to find happiness, love and peace again.

While not everyone may reach the sunshine and rainbows phase right away, every step forward is progress, and brighter days are always possible with time and perseverance.

[NatalieRene]

Sorry just negative memories creeping in. Between scrolling through that other app and seeing the post and watching the movie Sam last night. It unexpectedly effected me more then I was prepared for.

Being trans is pain. When I was at my job in Texas I ran into issues where a trans person there didn't know I was trans. She rushed to hide her hormones that fell out of her purse. I knew exactly what they were but flipped the script and asked her if she was on the pill.

A friend of hers a really cool guy snickered. Not mean but I surmise he knew her pre transition and the hormones being mistaken for birth control made him snicker.

I was too much of a coward to tell her things can get better over time. But I was privy to the gossip with the other woman. They told me what they thought of her and how they didn't like her using our bathroom. The affirmation but the pain at the same time.

Instead I had to deal with advances from our replacement boss after the man that hired me moved on to another job. He was gross and disgusting. When I rejected him and went to hr he put me on a pip. Said I wasn't good enough for my job. Never mind I had the highest number of drivers produced certified with the least amount of bugs overall. I was fast and accurate. I even fixed issues in the common framework and sdk for device types. I resigned. I feel so sorry for the people trapped in the red states.

My mom trying to talk me out of transitioning has said at one point basically giving up the man card leads to discrimination. If you pass you get locked under the glass ceiling. If you don't you are treated even worse. It was probably the only real truth she used to try and dissuade me.

Endurance and perseverance I guess is really what it comes down to. I had a nightmare last night where I was preop and not passing. I looked in the mirror and saw a guy and couldn't hear myself. It was like going through the entire thing all over again and I woke my boyfriend up at around 3:30 in the morning screaming.

Sometimes I think gender affirming is akin to hospice. Only so much can be done. Just make them comfortable. Comfortable that word is like morphine.

[Sarah B]

Hi Natalie

I read your post a couple of days ago and I have been thinking about what you have said and how it relates to me to a certain extent.  I hope the following gives you an idea where I come from.

Be warned this is a self loathing rant that I just have to get off my chest.  Don't worry.  I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself.

Talking about it certainly helps to clarify things and you can get feedback from it.  So keep talking.  If these feelings are persistent then I would suggest talking to someone who can help you with these thoughts.

Society is shallow.  Society wants social norms.  If you pass visually, behave properly and have your feminine voice society is almost like don't ask don't tell.  Willfully ignorant.

Natalie, you make a valid point about society's shallow expectations and its 'don't ask, don't tell' mindset.  Blending in and keeping our history private is not about deception but about protecting ourselves and living as the women we know we are.  Whether someone chooses privacy or openness is a personal decision and both approaches are valid as long as they come from a place of strength and self-assurance. 

I have been post op for a while now and the times I went all the way the men were into it.  I know first hand that heterosexual sexual men can be into a trans woman that passes.  The thing that is the hang up for them is the omg you used to be a man thing.  If you don't tell them they never know the difference which tells me all I need to know.

I won't apologize for not telling some of them.  If they can't tell then there is nothing to tell.  Men enjoying me didn't make them gay.  They were not in bed with a dude.  This brings me to a point though.

Not everyone is going to reach the sunshine and rainbows phase.  I wish they could.  Even then there is still always the darkness.  The feeling of guilt.  Why you and not the other person?

I can relate to your experience, with this.  I have been post-op for nearly 34 years more than half my life.  Like you, I had surgery to live and function as any other female.  I have only been with one man who knew and the rest never did.  I have never felt guilt or regret about not telling them because, to me, there was nothing to tell.  They saw me as a woman and that was enough.

I know that, not everyone finds the peace I have, and I truly wish they could.  It saddens me to think that others may still struggle to find what I now have, a life filled with comfort, happiness and stability.  It pains me to know that some may never experience this sense of peace that I have.  While I cannot take away their struggles, I hope that sharing my story offers hope and shows that happiness is not just a dream but a real and achievable possibility.

I remember reading when I first started about a trans woman that was passing so well that commuted suicide and thinking why would they do that? Years later I understand now.  The pain of only being able to shape yourself but still varying the stigma.  The expectation that you're horrible if you don't share it and then the rejection when you do but acceptance if you don't.

Natalie, stories like that often leave us with more questions than answers. Without knowing the full circumstances, we can only speculate.

For me, choosing privacy has always been about living as the woman I know I am. I had surgery to function as any other female and that is exactly how I have lived. I have never felt the need to explain myself or justify who I am to anyone.

Some people suggest; "that I should come out," because society is more accepting, especially here in Australia. While that may be true where I live, I always come back to the same question.  I am female, so what is there to explain?  Privacy has given me peace, stability and the freedom to live my life without labels or explanations.

What hurts me even worse is those that say they accept me using me to invalidate other trans woman because I'm physically attractive and can pass I'm really a woman and the others aren't.  Conversely it hurts going to a support group and having people wonder why you're there because you couldn't possibly have residual issues from trauma.  It's like you get to a point where you don't belong anywhere no matter how much you try and take history and burn it away by changing your name and gender marker in all old records.

It is frustrating to feel invalidated, especially when acceptance comes by excluding others.

If I could have been born genetically female, I would have. Nature made a mistake and while that cannot be undone, I have accepted it completely. Like you, I would have started younger if I could, but time, knowledge and finances made that impossible. When I finally took action at 30, everything worked out.

I never attended support groups because I never felt the need, and I also believed they had nothing to offer me at the time. Some individuals who had been to these groups warned me that people who managed to succeed without help, distress, or trauma were sometimes seen as elitist. Since I worried I might be viewed that way, I decided it would be best to avoid that environment.

I have always felt like I belong in my community through swimming and other activities. I believe keeping my privacy has helped me live without explanations or labels. For me, privacy has given me peace and a sense of belonging.

If I had a do over I'd start sooner too but if I did have a do over I'd be really depressed that I freaking had to do all of it again.  If a do over was an option why in the holy freaking heck can't it simply be fixed?!

Would I do anything differently if I could do it all over again? No, I would not. I would follow the same path and make only a few minor adjustments based on what I know now.  I was so busy I barely had time to think about what I was doing. My decisions allowed me to live the life I wanted and I have no regrets to this day.

The issues that you have discussed and the problems that have risen from them are a direct result of telling or not telling. Yes, I know given everybody's journey and situation is different, the less you reveal your private life the better off you may be.  By maintaining privacy about this aspect of my life and exercising discretion, I have found peace, contentment, stability, and the freedom to live without labels or explanations.

Take care of yourself and always remember to embrace the woman you truly are.  Live your life fully and confidently, and whenever you can, be a source of hope and support for others, just as I strive to do here on Susan's.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@NatalieRene

[Sephirah]

I am very much in the "moonlight and unicorns" camp. I am never going to have what most people have. But to address this:

Not everyone is going to reach the sunshine and rainbows phase. I wish they could. Even then there is still always the darkness. The feeling of guilt. Why you and not the other person?

That isn't your responsibility, sweetie. I don't expect, or really particularly want people who have gone through this... let's say unique journey... and come out the other side better for it, and able to live the life that's been like a golden chalice on a pedestal for so long... I don't want them to stand up for me and fight a cause or anything like that.

And people who do... honey, that's on them, not on you. Sympathise with people, sure. Empathise with people, absolutely. Do what you can when you can, 100%. But don't live their lives. That will utterly mess your head up. We all get one shot at life (unless you're part of a religion that subscribes to reincarnation, but that's cheating ) We all roll the dice and take the results.

You have to live your life. You have to enjoy the fruits of your labour. Otherwise, why even bother trying to make your life better if you don't get to live it at the end? Some people feel the way you describe. Not all. But that's on them, not on you. You don't owe people a life, sweetie. As much as it may feel sometimes like you do, okay?

And I am saying this as someone who... will never have what you have. Or what many people here have. It is what it is. If you are in a place where it was all worth it, enjoy it. Live it. Love it. Don't live in other peoples' heads, okay? They can be very messed up places. Be you and enjoy being you. What other people go through is not your cross to bear. Do what you feel comfortable with. And don't apologise for not doing any more than that.

*hugs*

[Sarah B]

Hi Sephirah

What you have said is priceless, you have written it so much better than I could ever have said it.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
@Sephirah

[Lilis]

Sorry just negative memories creeping in. Between scrolling through that other app and seeing the post and watching the movie Sam last night. It unexpectedly effected me more then I was prepared for.

No need to apologize at all, Natalie. Oh, I haven't heard of this movie before—Sam, right? I just looked up a few clips, and it seems like it's a romantic comedy about a guy who's magically transformed into a woman. It's set in New York too? That's my hometown, so I think I'll give it a watch myself. Thanks for sharing.

Being trans is pain. When I was at my job in Texas I ran into issues where a trans person there didn't know I was trans. She rushed to hide her hormones that fell out of her purse. I knew exactly what they were but flipped the script and asked her if she was on the pill.

A friend of hers a really cool guy snickered. Not mean but I surmise he knew her pre transition and the hormones being mistaken for birth control made him snicker.

I was too much of a coward to tell her things can get better over time. But I was privy to the gossip with the other woman. They told me what they thought of her and how they didn't like her using our bathroom. The affirmation but the pain at the same time.

Jesus Christ, that sounds like such a painful and complicated experience. It must have been horrifying to feel caught between wanting to affirm someone else and protect yourself, all while dealing with the harshness of others' judgments. Hearing about the gossip and disrespect she faced is just heartbreaking, and I can only imagine how much that must have weighed on you as well. It sounds like an incredibly tough situation to navigate, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Instead I had to deal with advances from our replacement boss after the man that hired me moved on to another job. He was gross and disgusting. When I rejected him and went to hr he put me on a pip. Said I wasn't good enough for my job. Never mind I had the highest number of drivers produced certified with the least amount of bugs overall. I was fast and accurate. I even fixed issues in the common framework and sdk for device types. I resigned. I feel so sorry for the people trapped in the red states.

That sounds like a clear case of sexual harassment. A good lawyer could have made a strong case against that company for sure. I would give them a call if I were you.

My mom trying to talk me out of transitioning has said at one point basically giving up the man card leads to discrimination. If you pass you get locked under the glass ceiling. If you don't you are treated even worse. It was probably the only real truth she used to try and dissuade me.

Wow, that's so true. I can understand where your mom was coming from in some way. When I'm in male mode here in New York, I notice that I can get away with things I can't as Lilis. Since HRT hasn't taken full effect yet, I find myself having to put in extra effort to pass, like wearing breast forms. I suppose it's an advantage from my cross-dressing days and my experiences with gender fluidity.

Endurance and perseverance I guess is really what it comes down to. I had a nightmare last night where I was preop and not passing. I looked in the mirror and saw a guy and couldn't hear myself. It was like going through the entire thing all over again and I woke my boyfriend up at around 3:30 in the morning screaming.

That sounds scary. Maybe there's no need to feel like you're starting all over again. How about focusing on picking up from where you are now? It reminds me of the Christian concept of "come as you are." Perhaps something similar? I don't know...

Sometimes I think gender affirming is akin to hospice. Only so much can be done. Just make them comfortable. Comfortable that word is like morphine.

I've read in some forums that gender-affirming care is still evolving. Hopefully, as time goes on, there will be more breakthroughs and advancements. But I completely understand the analogy you're making. I've been through something similar in my younger years, where addiction was my way of coping. I realize now that it was never the true solution; it was only masking the underlying pain and struggles, much like how we sometimes feel with gender-affirming care.

[darilee]

You said a whole lot that I can agree with. The world is and the people in it are prejudice. It's been instilled in us thru decades, centuries actually. It's not going to change that's human nature that's who we are. I live my life for me not for you or anyone else. Thats why I transitioned for me I don't care what the outside thinks, I don't have to that's their hang ups. I'm very satisfied with my life today. Why in god's name would I allow anyone that doesn't know me try to run my life. Just saying that sentence sounds like wasted words, I'm don't like to give this sort of thing thought. 

[CosmicJoke]

I think being transgender is something that's never easy whether you pass or don't. I agree with you that if you pass people tend to say you have it easy just because of that fact.

I spent alot of time asking myself if I would transition even if I knew I would never pass. I think the answer I came up with was no because I don't think I could handle the constant looks from people.

I'm still pre op but I try and look at it from the perspective of "it could be worse."

[Sephirah]

I think being transgender is something that's never easy whether you pass or don't. I agree with you that if you pass people tend to say you have it easy just because of that fact.

That's true, and I will be honest, I kind of hate that mentality. It's one person trying to blame another person because they think someone else's life is easier. We all have a lot of baggage. Stuff to work through. I detest the word "passing" though. Even here. I really dislike it because, for me, it conjures up this image of a school exam you have to do well in just to be alive. And... I fail that exam every time, lol. You got an A in your woman exam! But it is what it is. It's how society is. I think I don't like it most of all because it suggests that being a woman is all about passing some believability test so that the world can stamp your passport, as it were. When, in reality, that's not what it is at all. And that's what leads to a lot of the problems people face. Which is a shame.

I spent alot of time asking myself if I would transition even if I knew I would never pass. I think the answer I came up with was no because I don't think I could handle the constant looks from people.

I'm still pre op but I try and look at it from the perspective of "it could be worse."

Welcome to my world. My answer was yes. Because whether or not I pass in someone else's eyes... I pass in my own eyes.  As much as I can. My transition is.. somewhat different to most people here. Everyone knows I am trans because I can't hide the fact. I don't try to hide it. But I don't... I don't value the looks from people over my own piece of mind knowing that I'm living as authentically as I can. In my experience, if you can't blend in... you grow a thick skin. And a very sarcastic tongue, lol. People treat me as me because I refuse to let them treat me as less than. And for a northern lass in the UK... that's like climbing Mount Everest with a donkey on your back.

If you wonder if you can cross the finish line before you even start the race, you'll never start running.