Navigating this with your SO

[Camille58S]

Hi everyone! This is a topic that has probably come up here many times, but it's one of the most important topics in my opinion.
Does your wife know? If she does, is she supportive? My situation is a little bit unique in that I came to crossdressing many years into my marriage. I really never gave it a thought until then! I told my wife about it the day it happened. She had a complicated reaction to it. That is to be expected,I guess. She asked me questions such as why do I feel the way I do when I am wearing women's clothing? am I going to transition? All I could tell her was that I was just as confused as her! But in the years since then, we have worked through a lot of the issues that have come up. We have been open about my gender expression, and have been able to set boundaries. We still have difficulties from time to time. Many times the boundaries aren't visible until after they are crossed! It's an interesting, to put it mildly, journey. I am curious what advice you would have about this.

[Lori Dee]

@Camille58S

Hi, Camille.

You posted this in Crossdresser Talk, but I think you might get a better response if it was in the Significant Others subforum.

I am going to move the post there. Nothing will change in the post and the link will remain the same.

If you have any questions about this, let me know.

Lori Dee
Forum staff

[Allie Jayne]

Being Trans in a relationship can be one of our greatest challenges. Sadly, most relationships don't survive, but some do. From the many I have observed, the survivors are truly fortunate, and very special people. The issues often cited are a loss of trust, not what they signed up for, family pressures, and public perception.

Where the couple has been in a relationship for some time, and one comes out as trans, the other will naturally think they have been deceived, and trust is lost. This is why it is important to be open with your partner, and if you are just now figuring it out, involve your partner in your quest. Yes, I know it seems scary telling your partner you may not be who they thought you were, but once trust is gone, it is very hard to recover.

Couple commit to each other, but also for a future life. Finding that future is not what was imagined can end a relationship. Some people simply don't have the ability to accept change, while some may. Working through the realisation of gender incongruence, and the possible consequences, together, may aid acceptance.

Many people need the connection to family, and if family is not accepting, it can put pressure on the relationship. It is important to recognise this, and make every effort to bring family along on this journey. Make sure you understand what is happening, and educate others. There is no guarantee of success, but you can improve your chances.

Couples in a stereotypical hetero relationship may find themselves both re assessing their sexuality if one even only partly transitions. They will realise that those outside their relationship might have similar questions, and this can be very unsettling for many. Where they might be able to cope with having feelings for a partner who is changing appearance, they may not be able to cope with others seeing them as gay. This is a tough one, as trans people who transition well may give the outward impression that they are in a same sex relationship.

Honesty, early sharing, open discussion, and mostly, making your partner a partner in your gender journey as well as your life, are the keys to improving your chances of retaining a partnership. But to be honest, success rates are not great.

Hugs,

Allie

[Mariah]

When my spouse transitioned public perception was something I was really concerned with. I was also concerned for my spouse and how her family reacted to her. The reaction was mixed for her. Open communication is important in many ways so our trust is not breached. At the end of the day you will need to find what works for you and possibly your wife. Hugs
Mariah

[Nadine Spirit]

Good for you for including your wife in your discovery of this part of you. I tried my best to include my wife in every step that I took. Not all of it was easy. We had many conflicts about my gender variance. At one point she told me that she would leave me if I ever transitioned. At the time I told her to not worry because I wouldn't ever transition. We learned a lot from then until now. So that is what I would recommend for you, continue trying your best to be open and honest with yourself and your wife and be open to learning. Good luck!

[Moonflower]

Hi everyone! This is a topic that has probably come up here many times, but it's one of the most important topics in my opinion.

Yes, it sure does. I understand its importance.

Does your wife know?

Yes, I do.

If she does, is she supportive?

Yes, I am and always have been. This is my journey, too, and I embrace it.

My situation is a little bit unique in that I came to crossdressing many years into my marriage. I really never gave it a thought until then! I told my wife about it the day it happened. She had a complicated reaction to it. That is to be expected,I guess. She asked me questions such as why do I feel the way I do when I am wearing women's clothing? am I going to transition? All I could tell her was that I was just as confused as her! But in the years since then, we have worked through a lot of the issues that have come up. We have been open about my gender expression, and have been able to set boundaries. We still have difficulties from time to time. Many times the boundaries aren't visible until after they are crossed! It's an interesting, to put it mildly, journey.

Fantastic working through this together!

I am curious what advice you would have about this.

Keep working on this together! Keep reassuring each other that you're in this together, if you are. Acknowledge and discuss your choices and priorities.