Doing vs. Being

[Asche]

[I hope it's okay to post something that isn't exactly non-binary related.]

This morning I had a dream that I was working for a company and had been for a while (I'm actually retired), and they were interviewing me to see if there was any department where I would be of any use to them.  Some of the departments were the legal department, and another thing involved Legos (I assume the toy department), and each time it seemed I didn't have the experience or the creativity to be worth having me work there.  As I woke up, I thought how this is the capitalist work ethic, in which people are only worth anything to the extent the bosses/the Masters can profit off of them.

It made me think of a conversation I had with our minister (UU, and definitely not a Rev. Lovejoy type!), where she said she was wrestling with what the issue they sometimes call "doing vs. being"; that is, whether one's worth lies in what one does or in who/what one is.  (It's one of those issues in spiritual circles.)

I grew up being surrounded by and marinated in  the idea that, since I was a boy, I was only worth anything if I was accomplishing stuff, i.e., stuff that THEY considered worthwhile.  (By contrast, girls were worth something simply for being girls.)  And since, as a child, I was really lousy at accomplishing what they told me I had to do, I wasn't worth much.  In my heart of hearts, where no one can see, I kind of long to have people see me as "adorable."  (Don't tell anyone....)

While I was working, I felt I had to do the best work I could, so I would be worth something; I could tell that my company valued what I was doing, since I survived many rounds of lay-offs.  But now that I'm retired, and especially since I'm no longer able to do what I used to (I get sick if I try to keep up my previous level of activity), I tend to feel like: what good am I? Why am I bothering to stay alive?  And one thing that keeps me alive is the fact that my children (now in their 30's) still need me for emotional and material support.  (If I just give up and die, how will they get along? And, yes, this is really an issue for them.)  I sometimes imagine that if they died, I wouldn't see any reason to stay alive.

So I'm still having a really hard time seeing my value in "being" as opposed to "doing."  And it's depressing to realize that I still think of myself as no more than a cog, a possibly functional part in someone else's machine.

[Lori Dee]

So I'm still having a really hard time seeing my value in "being" as opposed to "doing."  And it's depressing to realize that I still think of myself as no more than a cog, a possibly functional part in someone else's machine.

Asche,

Thank you for this. I love reading your posts because you have such wonderful insight!

Like you, I was raised to be "productive" rather than allowed to work on my own development. As the oldest of four boys, I was thrust into the role of being a "leader," taking care of my younger brothers and setting a good example for them.

In the military, I learned quickly that the way to excel was to out-produce others who might be competing for the same promotions. The same was true for various employments after the service.

Many of my "friends" cared less about who I was than what I could do for them. My father cares about me because I am his child. In this case, it is not about what I do for him, but who I am. His conservative political views make it difficult to accept what I am, but he still loves me for who I am. My siblings have not been able to reconcile those things, and since I offer them nothing and they offer me nothing, we have parted ways.

My best friends accept me for who I am and do not care about what I am. I am not expected to do anything for them, I can just be me. And I see them the same way. That is unconditional love.

You recognize this in your relationship with your children. They accept you for who you are and that you are a parent. That is enough for them. I suggest that you cultivate other relationships in the same way. Embrace those who accept you as you are and not what you can do for them.

One of the problems we have when raised this way is that we estimate our own self-worth using the same criteria. What do we have to offer? We need to change that line of thinking and recognize that we have value by being ourselves. Be the example that it is not what you do for others that determines your worth. By just being yourself you show others what the true value of humanity is. It is not about what you bring to the table, but about accepting people for who they are and understanding that all people have value. I think you know this deep down.

[Sephirah]

If you live your life based on "doing", then you live your life based on being valuable to someone else. You base your self worth on what you can do to enhance someone else's life.

That's a much bigger thing in America than probably anywhere else on Earth. You get it drummed into you from practically childhood. You have to be productive. You have to care more about how you can make other peoples' lives richer, rather than your own.

I watched a movie the other night. One that... initially seemed really weird. But when viewed through the lens of someone questioning themselves and who they are, it makes perfect sense. It was called "I Saw The TV Glow". It's an indie movie, but Asche... I would recommend you, and everyone here watch this movie.

[Camille58S]

Interesting thread. I too grew up with my sense of self-value and self-esteem based on my productivity. It took me a long time to be fully aware of how damaging that attitude can be. I'm still working on it. Not in my conscience life, but in my dreams! I sometimes dream that I'm at work, I'm retired now 6 years, and having a really bad day. I wake up feeling like I have let people down. Then I realize that my goals in life have changed drastically. My own UU minister, now also retired, used to end every service with the same message- " go out into a world that desperately needs each and every one of you. Go out and be peace." And that, my friends, is how I try to live my life now. You can't be more valuable than that!

[Lori Dee]

Interesting thread. I too grew up with my sense of self-value and self-esteem based on my productivity. It took me a long time to be fully aware of how damaging that attitude can be. I'm still working on it. Not in my conscience life, but in my dreams! I sometimes dream that I'm at work, I'm retired now 6 years, and having a really bad day. I wake up feeling like I have let people down. Then I realize that my goals in life have changed drastically. My own UU minister, now also retired, used to end every service with the same message- " go out into a world that desperately needs each and every one of you. Go out and be peace." And that, my friends, is how I try to live my life now. You can't be more valuable than that!

I recently had a dream like that. I retired due to disability back in 2001. I have owned a few small businesses, but nothing involving physical labor. In my dream, I was working as a day laborer just trying to make ends meet. When I woke up, I realized the purpose of the dream was to remind me of the value of people. I might have to make a post about that in my thread. Thanks for reminding me!

[ChrissyRyan]

Relationships are very important, people are important, and the sooner we all realize that the better off the world will be.

[Lilis]

So I'm still having a really hard time seeing my value in "being" as opposed to "doing."  And it's depressing to realize that I still think of myself as no more than a cog, a possibly functional part in someone else's machine.

That really hits deep, Asche. I feel everything you're saying. Sometimes we carry so much responsibility, and it's hard to find people who still see our value when we're not performing for them. I've felt that too, even from my own parents and past partners at times.

Growing up, I had a close friend who felt more like a brother than my actual brother. Our bond wasn't about what we did for each other, it was about who we were.

Sadly, life happened.

He got married and moved away, and I got caught up with my own path. We drifted apart, and honestly, I haven't found that kind of connection since.

But no matter what anyone says or how things have changed, we do deserve to feel that just being ourselves is enough.

I know it's not easy to do in world that is so demanding. But We are worthy without needing to prove it.

[Asche]

There are a number of "communities" I'm involved with -- church, pride center, etc. -- where people keep telling me that I'm such a great person, that they're really glad I'm there.

But I can't see it.  I say, I'm doing practically nothing except showing up,  And they say, it's because you are you.

I guess they see my value in who I am, and while I can value other people for just being who they are, I can only imagine my being worth anything because of something I do.

(IOW, nothing's changed, I still suck)

[Lori Dee]

But I can't see it.  I say, I'm doing practically nothing except showing up,  And they say, it's because you are you.

I guess they see my value in who I am, and while I can value other people for just being who they are, I can only imagine my being worth anything because of something I do.

You see the double standard?

You say you are doing nothing, and they say you are just being you, making you a great person. They see the value in who you are, and you see the value in others for who they are. But you don't apply the same standard to yourself.

Be proud of yourself because you are valued for just being you. More people think you are great than you do, so the majority rules.    I think you are great too.

[ChrissyRyan]

Be all that you can be (and do)!

Chrissy

[Lilis]

You see the double standard?

You say you are doing nothing, and they say you are just being you, making you a great person. They see the value in who you are, and you see the value in others for who they are. But you don't apply the same standard to yourself.

This is deep... Thank you, Lori, for shining a light on this.

I think I understand it now.



~ Lilis 💗

[Camille58S]

You know that saying " don't compare your insides to everyone else's outsides"? In a way , I think that applies here!