Just told wifey about my gender dysphoria diagnosis

[treeseeds]

*WHELP* I think I just ruined my life, my family, I feel like I just lost everything. She's asking me a lot questions....things like "are you a woman trapped in a man's body?"

I am absolutely TERRIFIED!!!!!

Also making coments like; "what if you cross dress." And "I don't think I can support you through this if you go all the way through."

She also said that she's going to treat everything as status quo until I come to her with more information.

Wifey also told me she snooped through my phone and saw some things.

FYI-I only use this site on incognito mode so no one would be aware of it even if they looked at my phone.

[ChrissyRyan]

Be clear of what your transgender status is.  Therapy can be quite clarifying so you can reduce confusion for yourself.

I wish you the best in figuring this out. 


Chrissy

[treeseeds]

Be clear of what your transgender status is.  Therapy can be quite clarifying so you can reduce confusion for yourself.

I wish you the best in figuring this out. 


Chrissy

I don't know what to do! All I want to do is cry 😭

[Lori Dee]

I don't know what to do! All I want to do is cry 😭

Don't panic. It is not the end of the world.

You just dropped a major bombshell on her. She needs time to absorb this and figure out how SHE feels about it. Help her understand. Give her time to adjust. She needs answers the same as you. Invite her to therapy with you so she can get the answers she needs.

This is not something that will be solved in a week. It took you time (and still is) to figure out what this is about. You did the right thing by being honest with her. Make sure that she understands that you are still the same person. She just knows a little more about what's going on inside you. Make sure she knows that you want her by your side as you go through this. Then step back and let her process it.

You cannot force her to stay if she doesn't want to stay. That decision is hers to make, not yours. If you are being honest with her, not hiding it from her, and showing her that you are the same person, she might be able to handle it.

We have many members here who started transitioning after they were married and are still married. All is not lost. Just remain calm and help her understand.
 

[Nadine Spirit]

Good for you for including your wife in this. That was the right thing to do, regardless of the impact it will ultimately have. Remember that just because you have been diagnosed as having gender dysphoria, that doesn't mean that you have to do anything. Good luck.

[Allie Jayne]

Treeseeds, Unfortunately many of us have been in this situation! As Lori said, you both have time to sort this out! She didn't slap you and walk out, that's a good sign! Both of you need to explore what exactly is happening with you. Gender Dysphoria diagnosis doesn't mean you have to do anything, except manage it to ensure it doesn't ruin your life.

There is evidence that many Trans people have small areas of their brains form different to Cis people in utero. This indicates that it is not something we choose, but something we are born with. You wife may get comfort knowing this as a common initial reaction is that you are choosing this life for your pleasure over hers. Assure her she is still your number one concern, and you will both work through this together.

Dysphoria is usually cumulative, in that it builds over time to become disruptive. It is generated by observations not congruent to your Gender Identity, so anything you do which is congruent with your Gender Identity should reduce Dysphoria. Small things like having a female avatar in computer games, or keeping your body hair neater might be enough to reduce your dysphoria to acceptable levels, and you may not have to do much more than that ever!

My wife was initially delighted as I took on some of her jobs like sewing and ironing. We both benefited! Learn as much as you can about what this all involves, and what you can do, and both of you can work towards solutions acceptable to you both.

Hugs,

Allie



 

[treeseeds]

UPDATE

Thank you everyone for you kind words and support. Now for the update.

Last night I broke down crying again and went into our bedroom so my children wouldn't see me in that kind of condition. My wifey came to the room and asked "Are you coming out (of the bedroom)?" This was her saying "I understand you're upset, and that's okay. You don't need to hide and I am here for you!"

After putting the kids to bed, and me taking the dog for a walk (we live in the boreal forest of Canada) so I could get my heart rate up to relieve all the emotions I am feeling, I sat down beside my wife on the couch. She immediately laughed and showed me a funny Facebook video her brother sent her. I have a Facebook account but I don't use it so I always find it intriguing the kinds of stuff people post on there these days. We continued to look at a couple more funny posts and videos. After that we decided to watch a movie on Netflix. Not once did she mention anything about gender dysphoria. I guess she is being consistent in continuing on with the status quo until I come to her with more information. During our time on the couch she continued to complain about the every day mundane things like "There's sooooo much laundry to do!" Personally, I found this a little worrying. Is she choosing to ignore this and just hopes it goes away? Is this her way of coping with it? Maybe I should just take this at face value.

Telling her was the right thing to do, I know this. I am also wanting her to come to one of my therapy sessions.

The idea of finding something to control the symptoms is intriguing to me. I have never looked at it that way before. Also, hearing that just because you have gender dysphoria doesn't mean that you need to start HRT.

My wife asked me what my options are, this is what I told her.

1) Start HRT to transition to a female.

2) Start HRT and still present as a man.

3) Do nothing at all and just continue on with how things are. (I feel like this one is a non-starter for me, and it makes me sad, angry, depressed. Am I just giving up if I go with this option?).

And to the first two she said "I cannot be there for you if you go for the first two"    She then gave me the option of "Why don't you just cross dress?" Could this be a way of controlling my symptoms? I really don't know.

I know that she needs to live her own life, and I have no say or influence on how she does that. If she wants to leave me that is her choice. For me, no one in my family of origin has gone through the process of their marriage possibly ending. During dinner we put on a X-mas show for the kids. It was your typical family moment that is full of warm fuzzies and feel good happy emotions. I don't want to loose that, and the possibility of that happening made me sad and is still making me sad.

Now that the cat is out of the bag I can't help but think that perhaps the better choice is to just live with this and do nothing. I feel like doing this will give my kids a better chance at having a family that stays together. With the two parents that are genetically theirs and live with them. However, even thinking that fills me with anxiety. If I do this it would be that I wouldn't do any cross dressing, I wouldn't discuss anything to do with my gender, I wouldn't do any exploring.

I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from telling her.

[Lori Dee]

She then gave me the option of "Why don't you just cross dress?" Could this be a way of controlling my symptoms? I really don't know.

Is she okay with that? That is certainly an option. Many of our Transgender members started out cross-dressing. For many, it was okay for a while but eventually, the symptoms worsened. As Allie pointed out, it is a medical condition that may require medical treatment. Notice that I said MAY and not MUST.

It sounds like she is open to discussing it; just don't make every conversation about it. Give her time to think and adjust. We have a forum here for Crossdressers that might help you figure some things out. We also have a Significant Others forum where your wife would be welcome to read how other couples managed to make this work.

[Gina P]

Telling your secrete to your wife is probably the hardest decision you will ever make. I know it was for me. We had been married for 37 years. She said I, don't know what you expect from me, I'm not a lesbian! I asked her if she would prefer if I slept in a different bedroom until we figured it out which she didn't. We finally agreed to stick together until it got to weird for her. Fast forward over 2 years, we are still together and working it out. I am still the same person I always was, just look a little different. 
Give your wife lots of time and space to process this. She didn't sign up for this and its a lot to process. She might come around. Best wishes.
Hugs Gina

[KathyLauren]

I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from telling her.

Except that not telling her would have had consequences, too.  You would have had to keep a part of you secret from her.  Secrets destroy more marriages than honesty does.

Telling my wife was the hardest thing I have ever done.  But I knew that keeping secrets from her would be far worse then telling her.  She was still upset that it took me so long to tell her.  But we are still together, and it has been 8 years.  She is not a lesbian (I am), but we stay together anyway.

It may be rocky for a while, but give her time to adjust.

[Nadine Spirit]

And to the first two she said "I cannot be there for you if you go for the first two"    She then gave me the option of "Why don't you just cross dress?" Could this be a way of controlling my symptoms? I really don't know.

It sounds as if you are both very afraid of any of the options you presented. My wife and I were also very afraid. Especially of the first two so I avoided it and I cross dressed for about 20 years before deciding that I had to change my hormones. It wasn't really a happy 20 years though.

Don't wait for her to bring this up, she most likely wont. Don't take it personally. Change is hard. You need to go and learn and help her to learn along with you. How you learn is up to you. But go learn what it really means to be trans. Go learn about yourself, and what it means for you. But along the way, help your wife to learn also. Be patient, be kind, be understanding, but be persistent in educating both you and her.

[treeseeds]

We are both exhausted today. We go to church, I am not Christian. I consider myself to be heavily agnostic. I go there to support her because it is important to her. Anyways, I was sitting there during the service and I was drifting off to sleep. She is very quiet and tired as well.

She just walked out of the house to go grocery shopping. Cue the door slam.... 

This isn't feeling very good right now. I just want to dissappear....I wish I never existed....I wish a lot of things. I work in social services/health care so I know that these are normal emotions to feel. However, these emotions are real and I am feeling them.

What do I do? Do I take 300mg of Fukitol and walk out the door? I have considered this. I have considered writing a suicide note and just leaving. It's difficult to be around someone who you know that you have hurt and you cannot take it back. The wound is open and you can't stich it closed, only they have the needle and thread to do so.

I guess all I can do is wait. But I don't want to! All I want to do is give her and myself a big hug and tell them it will all be alright. But it won't be. Like I said, the wound is open and it will be open forever.

I am not okay, my wife is not okay, our relationship is not okay. This is a nightmare that I want to wake up from. This isn't happening to me.

[Lori Dee]

I think you are pushing too hard. You haven't even given yourself time to process this and already you are wishing it was done. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to take your time, take breaks, and focus on other things for a day or two or three. Give yourself a break and do something you enjoy. Take her out to dinner, go to a movie, or play a video game. Invite her to do something with you. Anything as long as it is something ELSE. That way you both get a break and she can see that you are the same person she fell in love with. Show her that you care about how this will affect her. But most importantly, show her you care about her.

[treeseeds]

I think you are pushing too hard. You haven't even given yourself time to process this and already you are wishing it was done. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to take your time, take breaks, and focus on other things for a day or two or three. Give yourself a break and do something you enjoy. Take her out to dinner, go to a movie, or play a video game. Invite her to do something with you. Anything as long as it is something ELSE. That way you both get a break and she can see that you are the same person she fell in love with. Show her that you care about how this will affect her. But most importantly, show her you care about her.

This is excellent advice!!! Thank you!!! 😊

[Gina P]

  I agree with Lori, take a break. Many have described finding out about a loved one as being synonymous with death of the same. She is hurting now and need time to process and think of her future. Be extra nice to her. Help with chores around the house. Let her see the new you is the same but better. Hang in there. Better days are coming. Remember, 'Suicide' is never an option!!
   HUGS Gina

[MsLeigh]

I second the advice of the fine ladies at Susan's Place.  Take your steps carefully and purposefully.  I  understand you want to move forward, but taking some time for yourself and your family is a good investment. I have a similar situation with my wife.  My wife and I have been together 14 yr and married for 10. This is my second marriage and it is with my very best friend. I am 60 and feel like time is so valuable.  My dysphoria has increased many fold in the last 5 or so years.  I sat down with her almost a year ago and gave my explanation of what I am experiencing.  I can go back in my memories to 3ish yr old when I felt like I was a girl.

Fast forward back to our sitdown.  Here is her view. I  married the man standing on a 4' oak stump in bibs with a chainsaw over his shoulder.  I am not lesbian. If I wanted a penus sewed on and my breasts cut off, how would you react. Etc, etc,...  I understood and I slowed way down.

Here are some things that keep me feeling okay nowadays. I happen to be taking supplements for prostate which has a side benefit of soft skin, breast size increase, less body hair, muscle loss, .. The changes are minor but I still feel that I like the results.  She likes man buns so I am growing my hair out. I am growing my nails out and taking time to file them rather than just cut. I moisturize daily. I am working on posture (standing and sitting). Working on improving my walking to look more lady like. I wear satin and lace underwear and pajamas.   I exercise and we take a lot of walks together.  I listen and talk. This directs my attention and lessons stress. I feel better than I have in years because I am not hiding from the people close to me.  They don't approve but that's okay.

Understand that I love bling, short skirts, tight clothes, curves, painted nails,  etc.  I understand reality and just enjoy the small things in life that I can do for now. The future looks bright and I am excited to do more things to satisfy dysphoria. I worked many years  to acquire what we have. I cannot be the complete lady I want to be overnight. It will take years. The journey will be an amazing adventure.

Cling to true friends,  be open to constructive criticism,  and as my wife says, Live, Laugh, and Love. 

I have found so many wise words to help me along. I  also have a local therapist who helps but does not push me beyond my capabilities.  Hang on, be truthful,  and be yourself.  Your wife and kids are part of you. Don't leave them out but don't push them too far, too fast. Separation is an option but in my book it is the last option for me.

Many hugs,
Leigh

[Sephirah]

Just to add to the wise, sage advice give here, I'd just like to add a little something else. Something which I feel gets completely lost in situations like this a lot of the time. When you're drawn into the scary black tornado of surrendering control of something to someone else's life and their mindset.

With regard to this:

This isn't feeling very good right now. I just want to dissappear....I wish I never existed....I wish a lot of things. I work in social services/health care so I know that these are normal emotions to feel. However, these emotions are real and I am feeling them.

What do I do? Do I take 300mg of Fukitol and walk out the door? I have considered this. I have considered writing a suicide note and just leaving. It's difficult to be around someone who you know that you have hurt and you cannot take it back. The wound is open and you can't stich it closed, only they have the needle and thread to do so.

Sweetie, you remember what it's all for. You remember why you sought answers, and possible treatment for this. You remember that your life is valuable. Your hopes, fears, wants and needs are just as valuable as any other person's. It's so, so easy to forget that when your perspective is wholly shifted towards "Omg how do they feel? What do they think? What will they do?!"

While that matters, you also matter. You aren't going through this to destroy a life. You're going through it to try to heal one. You have done nothing wrong, okay? Focus on that. You are hurting and are trying to take that hurt away. Anyone would do the same thing in your place. How you feel, what you want, who you are... matters as much in this world as it does for anyone else. No more, no less. You have nothing to be ashamed of, okay? Nothing to feel guilty for. You are you, trying to be you. And understanding has to come from all sources. Not just you.

*big hugs*

You can deal with this, okay? Just remember, you're worth fighting for. And believing in. When everything around you tells you that you should just crawl into a hole. Yes, how your wife feels is important in your relationship. But it's no more important than how you feel.

[treeseeds]

Hello,

Updates-I have made an appointment with a doctor who specializes in gender dysphoria.

For some reason wifey has been more affectionate lately. I thought she would be distant, but that doesn't seems to be the case. Also, the fam jam and I went to Southern Ontario to visit her family. It was a good visit, but exhausting. During this time I was able to keep myself grounded and remind myself that this isn't a sprint, but an ultra distance marathon...lol

There are some moments where I am totally realizing that I need to transition. Then others where I am scared of the consequences and the fallout of doing so.

Thoughts come up like
-"what if my wife divorces me, and I lose my home?"
-"what if no one will ever want to physically close to me ever again?"
-"what if I end up living a life of loneliness?"
-"I will look like a bald man in drag forever"
....ect

Also, I dread going to sleep at night. Because I know when I wake I will dislike my diagnosis of gender dysphoria, and be relieved that I never transitioned. And then later on in the day the dysphoria will kick in.


I know these thoughts are normal, and that I need to discuss this with my therapist and the doctor I will be seeing.

Overall, I have been feeling stable and I am just going with the flow. Feeling pretty good here. My wife is also aware that I will be seeing a doctor who is a specialist!

FYI-I hope SAS Rogue Heroes has its new season out! I'm a qualified Canadian Paratrooper. I like to say it's from a previous lifetime...lol

[Sarah B]

Hi Treeseeds

Thank you for sharing your update.  I have been reading your posts along with the posts made by other members of Susan's and it is clear that you are putting a lot of thought and care into this process.  It is great that you have already made an appointment with a doctor who specializes in gender dysphoria and plan to discuss your concerns with both your therapist and the specialist.

I want to acknowledge that I was never married before I changed my life around, so I do not have the same experiences that other members have shared.  However, they bring a lot of wisdom and knowledge and I think you are in good hands as you continue to gather insights and support.

Taking small steps is a great approach.  Your mindset of treating this as a long journey rather than a sprint will help you stay grounded as you work through everything.

Some answers to specific thoughts you mentioned:

• "What if my wife divorces me and I lose my home?"
  This is a valid concern and one that many people worry about.  It is important to have a backup plan in case things do not go as hoped.  While it is impossible to predict how your wife might respond long-term, her recent affection and support could be a positive sign.
  
  That said, preparing for the worst-case scenario can help ease some anxiety.  Most divorces involve splitting assets, so it is unlikely that you would completely lose everything. Speaking with a legal professional can help you understand your rights and options.  Having a plan in place can provide some peace of mind if you navigate this process.
• "What if no one will ever want to physically be close to me ever again?"
  This fear is understandable, but relationships are built on emotional connections.  People are often more accepting than we expect.  Focus on maintaining confidence and self-worth as you explore what feels right for you.
• "What if I end up living a life of loneliness?"[
  It is natural to fear isolation, but you are already reaching out and building connections. Many people at Susan's have shared stories of finding meaningful relationships and friendships after taking steps toward their authentic selves.
• "I will look like a bald man in drag forever."
  This fear can feel overwhelming, but there are ways to address appearance concerns. Hairpieces, treatments and styling tips can make a big difference.  Confidence also plays a big role in how others perceive us.  These are areas you can discuss further with your therapist or specialist.

I think it is really important to keep discussing these concerns with your therapist and the specialist you will be seeing.  They can help you process your feelings and provide strategies for managing them.

It is great to hear that you are feeling stable overall and continuing to go with the flow.  That is a strong foundation as you keep moving forward one step at a time.  You are not alone in this journey and there are so many people here who are ready to offer their support and insights.

Take care and I hope things go well for you.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@treeseeds

[Allie Jayne]

Thoughts come up like
-"what if my wife divorces me, and I lose my home?"
-"what if no one will ever want to physically close to me ever again?"
-"what if I end up living a life of loneliness?"
-"I will look like a bald man in drag forever"
....ect

What if none of the above happen? You are at the very start of your journey, and you may find very little needs to actually happen! It may actually bring you closer as yo have a better understanding of each other. Though we do worry about negatives, it is often for nothing. I have found that trans people are generally insecure and focus on negatives, often unrealistically inflating their concerns. I was one. Just remember, nothing life changing will happen tomorrow, and there is no pressure to rush. Try not to let, what you simply don't know will happen, depress you and your wife.

Hugs,

Allie