Isolated, ashamed, depressed... nothing I can't handle!

[KatieLee]

Just need to utter words in earshot of someone who might understand, could also use a virtual hug... and perhaps a lobotomy if u can spare one (humor = my fav defence mech).

Confession:
Maybe 6-9yo, a swingset... I have a memory of wishing I was a girl.  Why?  My child mind: "cause girls get to have boobs n have babies, n boys have to work and protect the family".  Wish I could shake that kid "wtf do u even mean?" lol.

Not sure if b4 or aft: had an older tomboy best friend, remember envying her... following her everywhere.
One day... a therapists couch... possible hypnosis... the memory is not clear.  soon after total confusion as I am told I cannot play w my tomboy friend anymore.  Did she do something to me?  Do I just want to believe she did something to me so I don't have to face the much more difficult prospect that I'm this broken all on my own? 

There is a part of me, a shard of my mind... that has been in total isolation all my life.  A sad, lonely, and sensitive part. Careful, your shard is showing!  Did they see?  They know... omg they know!

Must have been 14: a pornograghic image... hit me like a revelation... a girl/boy.  I still do not know if I wanted to be that, or get with that, I just knew I liked it.

Did the typical crossdress, girls underwear/bra here n there.

As far back as I remember, when I close my eyes during sex, I've always imagine myself receiving and never giving.  If there is any disphoria in me... it is encompassed by the thoughts that "I could never be a pretty girl" and fear that I showcase how sensitive/emotional I am... ie show my shard.


Long beautiful curls, I got hit on by gay men quite a few times... but the thought of them touching me would make me shudder.  If the mouth sound most associated w my experience is gay, ok.  I submit.  I'm the gayest gay that ever gayed.  Still not attracted to men...

I shaved my head, perhaps in denial.  Perhaps to avoid further confrontation of my self.  Perhaps to remove the one feminine quality I had.

I have a wife whom I adore.  The thought of hurting her, of her feeling alone like that shard of my self.... that is pain I simply cannot bear... even if it means suffering through the rest of my life fractured and tortured.

I tried once, to reconcile my contradiction of an existence. I let her see a small corner of my shard.  We played dress up, she seemed to embrace it.  But then one day I saw it... maybe it was disappointment, or a diminishing of her respect, or that she saw me as less of a man.  And the little girl inside me ran and locked herself in her room.

So now I am left with an impossible math question.  Try to re open that door + potentially transfer all my pain and loneliness to my love + potentially lose the only thing that matters <> keep trying to smother that part of myself to death.
Sex after all... is such a small part of love. 
This, of course, requires no answer.

I imagine this reads pretty much like an a-z list of trans diagnosis checklist items.  I know better than to ask.  Really just came to cry these words.

[Northern Star Girl]

@KatieLee
Dear KatieLee:
I am very happy to see that you have registered as a member of Susan's Place and the Forum.
        A warm WELCOME to you.

Other members and staff will be along soon to address some of your comments and questions.... and to
provide you with the RULES here on the Forum that will help you to navigate safely around
the site.

I will eagerly be looking for your future postings as you feel comfortable being involved with
sharing and posting.

Warm wishes to you.
HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator            Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

[Lori Dee]

Hello KatieLee,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I understand your confusion and pain. The absolute best thing that you can do right now is to find a therapist with experience in gender identities. It is clear that you are struggling and a therapist or psychologist with experience can help you find the answers you seek.

The fact that you are married makes this even more important. There is nothing wrong with inviting a spouse to attend therapy with you. That helps them get the answers they need, because their questions may differ from yours.

It is more difficult when you are trying to figure out what is going on with you and try to help others understand what you are still learning about. If that makes sense.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. Our members come from all over the world and have many experiences. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place. Perhaps some of their stories can help you, too.

We have a special section for Significant Others, where spouses, partners, and parents can share their experiences. Their stories may be helpful for you and your family to understand the journey ahead. It can be rough, but if you two are committed to each other and open to exploring this part of you, it can make your relationship bloom.

Clicking the HOME button will take you to a page where you can see the various sub-forums. Feel free to comment and share your experiences too.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add some links here that are important for new members. Pay special attention to the links in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and add an avatar to your profile.

Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By
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• Site Policies and stuff to remember
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@KatieLee
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[KatieLee]

I feel it important to acknowledge specifically the all ages aspect of your reply... and apologize for encroaching.  I have edited/tamed my post.

[Sarah B]

Hello Katie Lee

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty.  I am not a therapist, but some of your experiences suggest gender incongruence, which can sometimes result in gender dysphoria.  This is the distress caused by a mismatch between your gender identity and assigned sex.

For example, your childhood wish to be a girl, exploring feminine traits through crossdressing and imagining yourself in traditionally feminine roles during intimacy reflect a connection to femininity.  At the same time, your discomfort with showing vulnerability or your "shard" highlights the internal conflict many people feel when navigating these emotions.

You also seem to recognise the possibility of gender dysphoria.  Referring to your experiences as a "trans diagnosis checklist" shows some awareness of this and your hesitation to seek confirmation suggests an internal struggle with fully addressing these thoughts.

If this resonates with you, I encourage you to explore it further with a therapist experienced in gender identity.  Finding someone who uses informed consent can also help if you are considering HRT or need additional support.  Including your wife in sessions may help you understand and strengthen your relationship.

You are not alone in these feelings and reaching out is an important step.  Be kind to yourself as you continue to explore and grow.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@KatieLee

[KatieLee]

Hello Katie Lee

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. 

You also seem to recognise the possibility of gender dysphoria.  Referring to your experiences as a "trans diagnosis checklist" shows some awareness of this and your hesitation to seek confirmation suggests an internal struggle with fully addressing these thoughts.

thank you for your thoughtful and seemingly gentle reply.  it means the world to me rn.
while there are most certainly internal struggles o'er here, my hesitation to seek confirmation is more borne from the realization that any such confirmation is futile. Probably the most difficult aspect of it all... that you simply have to take "that fearful leap into the dark" all alone.  A therapist can "tell you", they can make a judgement... and other therapists might make other judgements... ultimately, it boils down to you accepting that or denying it.

If this resonates with you, I encourage you to explore it further with a therapist experienced in gender identity.  Finding someone who uses informed consent can also help if you are considering HRT or need additional support.  Including your wife in sessions may help you understand and strengthen your relationship.

writing the words into existence was some sort of relief, and I want to rest in that for a moment, but not too long.  tbh i'm a bit scared to speak to anyone, to face someone, but I know I must.  i fear speaking with someone could result in A) getting found out by my wife before I'm ready and B) opening a door I'm not sure I want to fully see behind.  I am going to look for some anon chat therapy, hoping that's a good place to start.

You are not alone in these feelings and reaching out is an important step.  Be kind to yourself as you continue to explore and grow.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@KatieLee

i have read many posts here and elsewhere and it has def helped, to know I'm not alone. 

by chance... I've found a trans friend recently, that sort of broke open this door (just seeing how brave she is i mean).  altho i'm not fully able to talk to her, her friendship has been comforting, and I'm thankful for that and the kind replies I've received here.  thank you, thank you all.

[Tig58072]

Hi Katie Lee.
Interesting.... We have some similar thoughts so you are not alone. You get a strange look when you ask questions. It's like being two people??? I don't know how to explain it.

[KatieLee]

Hi Katie Lee.
Interesting.... We have some similar thoughts so you are not alone. You get a strange look when you ask questions. It's like being two people??? I don't know how to explain it.

I think.... all the ways that I might have presented more feminine have been beaten out of me.  I wore cloths once, that weren't even fem, and was criticized, and immediately retracted.  As a kid, wasn't interested in football like others... and I got odd looks for that.  All the time I find out something I was looking at was "for girls"... and have to stop myself from being interested.  The me I would choose to be if no one ever told me it was wrong... is pretty far from who I am rn.  Perhaps now I've been pushed far enough that I am actually starting to split.
I appreciate very much that you said we have some thoughts in common.  Really helps.

[Lori Dee]

All the time I find out something I was looking at was "for girls"... and have to stop myself from being interested.  The me I would choose to be if no one ever told me it was wrong... is pretty far from who I am rn. 

I went through this too! It was especially hard while I was married. Trying to constantly hide my interests so that no one would guess that I was not who they thought I was.

Once I accepted that I was transgender, I could relax. Once I came out and no longer hid that I was trans, allowed me to enjoy looking at clothes, jewelry, and makeup. It provided a convenient excuse. People do not question such behaviors if they think they know the reason behind them. I can just be myself and it no longer seems out of place or weird.

Once you have reached that level of acceptance of who you are, you will experience this as well. I do not doubt it.

[KatieLee]

I went through this too! It was especially hard while I was married. Trying to constantly hide my interests so that no one would guess that I was not who they thought I was.

Once I accepted that I was transgender, I could relax. Once I came out and no longer hid that I was trans, allowed me to enjoy looking at clothes, jewelry, and makeup. It provided a convenient excuse. People do not question such behaviors if they think they know the reason behind them. I can just be myself and it no longer seems out of place or weird.

Once you have reached that level of acceptance of who you are, you will experience this as well. I do not doubt it.

that sounds really nice... but also seems so far away.  I know, baby steps.  Just take one step today.  We'll worry about the next step tomorrow.  Thank u for the thoughtful reply!