Getting confidence that I'm really a trans woman.

[sam-1311]

Sigh. I know I'm a woman, but really?  It was suggested yesterday that I rely on this forum rather than a popular onling forum (which I've found very useful) - so here goes!

Some background:

• childhood - memory of tucking with a school friend. Maybe nothing more than curiosity.
• teen years - I wanted to be a girl - some dreams of forced sex change, some wearing of my mother's clothes, etc. I "grew out of this" and had a typical adult life, with bouts of unhappiness and depression amongst normal and happy times. Generally "meh".
• 2022 - I was diagnosed (aged 55 FFS) with inattentive ADHD. None of the meds at various strengths made any difference. The psychologist said there were likely too many confounders (depression, etc). I later did an "objective" QbCheck to increase confidence in the subjective ADHD diagnosis - mostly confirmed though not super strong.
• 2023 - I rolled the dice and tried TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy). This had zero impact on my mojo/zest for life/depression. It had the effect of sending my E levels to 134% of male range and T to 162% of male range. I sometimes wonder if the high E levels helped unlock things (I am NOT saying it made me trans). I stopped TRT as the Dr wasn't worried about the high levels and he didn't give me confidence.
• 2023 - Made redundant and my youngest son went to uni, leaving an "empty nest". I suppose I felt redundant. I started to spend my pension. My wife didn't want to grab the opportunity as this new chapter opened. I was already exploring my gender and she was confused, but still.
• 2024 - general psychiatric evaluation - I'm not mentally ill and an informal diagnosis of gender dysphoria
• 2024 - office diagnosis of gender dysphoria - required to access HRT in the UK
• 2024 - started counselling with a gender affirming counsellor
• 2025 - started living as a woman from 5th January. I came out to all my Facebook friends and various other friends. I came out to family and close friends during 2024.

I've "not been able" to work as a computer programmer since being made redundant. I'm 57 FWIW. I couldn't get my mind into gear every time I tried I went into a flat-spin. I still feel stuck but seeing first flickers of hope.

So, I think I've done as much as I need to confirm that I am, in fact, a woman and it's best for me to transition, but one of the fears I have is that I conflated gender euphoria (1st experienced wearing a fullish outfit) with being trans, and that the vaccuum of being out-of-work and not otherwise occupied has led me to be "sucked in" by the trans community.

I know people say that no cis man would enjoy presenting as a woman and spend so so many hours reflecting, reading, posting, counselling, etc - a cis man may have a fleeting thought but no more.

I know that only I can know if I'm trans, but I'd appreciate any words from this more mature audience. I think it's flogging a dead horse at this time, but I'd appreciate any insights.

Thanks everyone!

[Lori Dee]

no cis man would enjoy presenting as a woman and spend so so many hours reflecting, reading, posting, counselling, etc - a cis man may have a fleeting thought but no more.

This is patently false.

Many cis-men enjoy presenting as a woman. For some, it is a cross-dressing fetish, some for entertainment, and some make a nice living at it.

I have a cousin who manages an LGBTQ camping resort in Pennsylvania. They have events each weekend, many of which are drag events with different themes, like "Red Dress and Go-Go Boots," or "Tropical Island." He cross-dresses during these events for entertainment, but he normally does not present as a woman and he is not transgender. It is just participating in a fun event.

For many years, San Francisco was home to World Famous club called Finocchio's. Finocchio's featured some of the country's most famous female impersonators, including Walter Hart, Ray Bourbon, and Lucian Phelps. Other performers included jugglers, ventriloquists, belly dancers, comedians, and singers. I had a chance to see some of the acts before it closed in the late 90s. It was an amazing experience.

I admit that your experiences seem to follow the path of gender dysphoria, and you have a diagnosis that supports that. Just do not confuse biological sex, gender identity, and sexual preference. They are not the same thing and have nothing to do with each other.

[sam-1311]

This is patently false

I shall be more careful with my language - I mean spending so many hours wanting to be a woman, not just presenting as a woman. I've had periods the last 2 years where I've asked myself why I want to be a woman. Disregarding the gender presentation then there is no answer; I just am a woman.

I try to explain it in my Medium article: https://medium.com/@idkjunk/2025-aaa4d06dece0

[Lori Dee]

I just explained this (sort of) on another post that was discussing a similar issue.

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249547.msg2290153.html#msg2290153

[KathyLauren]

I am not a trained gender therapist (and I don't even play one on TV) so I can't give you a diagnosis.  All I can say is that your experiences sound very similar to my own, and to those of many other late-transitioners.

I have never heard of someone being diagnosed with gender dysphoria who wasn't trans.  And every trans person I have talked to has had experiences that I would call gender dysphoria, even if they themselves don't call it that.  Take that for what it is worth: it is just my opinion.

The bottom line is that it is your opinion that matters, not mine.

[ChrissyRyan]

I think that many MTFs denied they are transgender at some time.  Perhaps denied is too strong a word, I am unsure.  Probably not accepting that they are transgender is more accurate, although that may be the exact same feeling.  I have went through that, more than once.  But this is something that each person has to transcend, or get past, some do not because maybe they are not transgender or have some fears, and so on.  No judgment is being passed.   Gender therapy can be of big help for many of us.  It can provide some clarity. 


Chrissy
 

[Sephirah]

Disregarding the gender presentation then there is no answer; I just am a woman.

And that's okay. Focus on this. Focus a lot on this. Focus on how you feel when you say it to yourself.

A lot of the time, peoples' issues spring from two things. Needing to prove you are who you are, mostly to yourself. And wanting to be who you are.

To quote The Matrix:

"Do not try and bend the spoon — that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth."

"What truth?"

"There is no spoon."

"There is no spoon?"

"Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."

Many trans people need to bend the spoon. Very few realise there is no spoon. If you can do that, you won't need to prove anything to yourself.

The Wachowski sisters riddled all those movies with insightful trans messages. Probably before they even knew it themselves.