My Yearly Check In

[LucyEgo]

Hiya,

Apologies if this is the wrong subforum first of all.

First off, I love this community - there's such a friendly environment and genuine loving support. You really should be so proud.

So where am I? I'm not sure.

I would still love to fully transition, full time, permanent. But I still cannot say why! And that's the thing holding me back. I feel like a man, I am comfortable as a man, I don't feel horror when I look at my male image in the mirror, I'm good with male pronouns, they feel natural, but I want to transition.

I've just had an epiphany thought - am I happy as a man? Am I happy being a man? No.

I've printed off Deed Polls (UK) many times but just cannot cross that threshold to sign it. The fear of being male headed in a female body and the contradiction of knowing that I feel like a man that wants to transition.

The fear of not being able to have children in the natural way (like I'll ever have children, I've never really wanted children, my other half doesn't want children, I think we'd be terrible parents, but children bring joy and happiness...).

The reasons for seem too sexual, but I've been presenting femme a few times with no sexual component whatsoever.

The fear over what it means for my faith and going to Church, will I have to find a new Church?

Is it gender envy or gender dysphoria?

Whatever it is, it's getting unbearable, it's making me ill and depressed. Sometimes I think I should just throw caution to the wind and just get on change my name, change my wardrobe, change my gender, change my pronouns and just go for it!

I just wish it felt natural to me to call myself she, her, woman, daughter etc, some mannerism, more of a desire than just simply "transition".

[Lori Dee]

Hi Lucy,

Welcome back!

It sounds as if you are still exploring your gender identity. That is always a good thing, and there is no timeline. It could take many years to figure things out. Meanwhile, life happens, and we can get distracted. As we get older, we tend to have more time for reflection, and sometimes, that can make our questioning take on a higher priority.

Are you currently seeing a therapist to help you figure this out? Very often, we think we know what is going on, but we are seeing these feelings from the inside only. Sometimes, it helps to get an external point of view. A therapist or psychologist with experience in gender identities can help you figure this out. They don't give you answers but help guide you to ask yourself the right questions to arrive at the answers you need.

In my own case, I got into therapy to learn why I was unhappy and dissatisfied with my life. I had no clue that I might be transgender. Upon the first diagnosis, I rejected it outright because I didn't fully understand what that meant. I spent two years in therapy just learning what gender dysphoria is and what it is not. I had similar questions to you. Does this mean I am gay? Am I really a woman inside, or is this some kind of sexual fetish? If I accept that this is who I am, how will this affect my life, family, and friends? What do I do now?

If you are not seeing a therapist, I would strongly encourage you to do so. Get some answers and see what you can learn about yourself. When you are comfortable, invite your spouse to join you in a session so that they can ask questions and get a good understanding of what you are going through. Keeping them in the loop is very important so they do not get the impression that you are hiding something from them. Honesty is best. It will also be very important to give them time to process any new information to help them fully understand.

We wish you all the best.

As you may know, the site crashed last year and there was a lot of accounts and data lost. Since then, the site policies and such have been updated.

I will add some links here that are important for members new and old. Pay special attention to the links in RED.

If you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to PM me or any of the other Forum Staff.

Once again, welcome back to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@LucyEgo
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[ChrissyRyan]

Hi!


    Welcome back Lucy!

    I too suggest you consider seeing a therapist to clarify your thoughts related to gender.


Chrissy

[Camille58S]

Hi Lucy!
I don't have any advice, but I just want to let you know that you are not, by any means, alone with this! I have many of the same questions. Wishing you all the best!

[Sarah B]

Hi LucyEgo

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

I really want to express my appreciation for you sharing your feelings.  It truly takes bravery to articulate what's going on inside, especially when things feel so tangled and uncertain.  Just know that you are in a supportive environment here and no matter how your journey unfolds, you definitely are not alone.

You are raising some really thoughtful questions and it's evident you've been doing some serious contemplation about what feels right for you.  And hey, it's totally okay if you do not have all the answers just yet.  A lot of people find themselves in similar situations, recognizing that they want change but having a tough time pinpointing the "why."  That doesn't make your feelings any less valid or significant.

One thing to keep in mind is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your gender in the way that feels best for you.  If embracing a more feminine presentation brings you happiness or comfort, that's more than valid and there's no need for external validation.  Personal expression is just that, personal and it can be a vital part of your self-discovery.

When I change my life around, I found myself comfortable using the right pronouns for myself, both in the present and when reflecting on my past.  That comfort came naturally as I started embracing my life in ways that felt real to me.  If calling yourself "she" or identifying as a "woman" does not feel right then, that's perfectly okay.  It does not make your feelings any less real.  Just give yourself the space to explore at your own pace without the pressure to fit into any predefined boxes.

It's completely understandable to have concerns whether they are related to faith, relationships, or the consequences of certain choices.  It makes sense that you would want clarity before moving forward, but do not feel like you need to figure everything out all at once.  Sometimes, taking your time and exploring without pressure can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself.

Consider talking to a therapist.  Whether it's a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor, finding someone who uderstands gender identity issues and practices informed consent is essential.  If possible, include your wife in this process.  Having a professional to help sort through these feelings can be incredibly beneficial, especially when emotions start to feel overwhelming.

I have personally chosen not to share my past with others and I'm okay with that.  If you decide to open up to others, just be cautious.  While some find that being open is liberating, it can also come with its own set of challenges.  You have every right to share your story on your own terms, in ways that feel safe and respectful for you.

Whatever steps you decide to take, whether they are big or small, remember they are yours to make.  There's no rush, no deadline and no "right" way to go about this.  Your happiness and well being should always come first.  No matter where this journey leads, you are still you and you deserve understanding, support and love.

You are not alone in this and we are here for you.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.   I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@ LucyEgo

[LucyEgo]

Thanks for your feedback all.

I've seen several therapists, but I've not found them helpful. One was just of the opinion that if you think you are then you are and was pushing me to transition. One didn't really cover gender. And two others, while helpful talking about gender, didn't really get to the nub of the matter for me - helping me to decide and moving me forward.

I think I need to engage with the trans community more, to share stories, issues, problems, get the mutual support and help to explore deeper my gender identity.

My problem is taking action. But I'm growing my hair out, being up front with people about exploring my gender, I'm wearing feminine clothing when I can (face shaving and beards are so dysphoric). I think I need some ambiguous clothing, feminine, but not obvious, so I can feel it without necessarily displaying it and get comfortable with that before moving onto anything bigger.

[Lori Dee]

I am sorry to hear that the therapists were not helpful.

As Sarah B pointed out, it is perfectly fine to just experiment with small things that make you feel good. Some people are not comfortable "going all out" at first. I started just dressing at home. As I became comfortable with it, I did, like you said, start with ambiguous forms of dress. The key is to understand that you are not looking for reactions from others but how you feel about it yourself. For a long time, I was more concerned about the opinions of others. Then, I realized that they don't matter. If I am happy, who are they to complain?

I like your idea of engaging more and sharing stories with the community. That's why I came to Susan's. I think you will find a little similarity in most people's stories, but what is different is how they handled given situations. That is where we learn from the experiences of others.

I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

[ChrissyRyan]

Thanks for your feedback all.

I've seen several therapists, but I've not found them helpful. One was just of the opinion that if you think you are then you are and was pushing me to transition. One didn't really cover gender. And two others, while helpful talking about gender, didn't really get to the nub of the matter for me - helping me to decide and moving me forward.

I think I need to engage with the trans community more, to share stories, issues, problems, get the mutual support and help to explore deeper my gender identity.

My problem is taking action. But I'm growing my hair out, being up front with people about exploring my gender, I'm wearing feminine clothing when I can (face shaving and beards are so dysphoric). I think I need some ambiguous clothing, feminine, but not obvious, so I can feel it without necessarily displaying it and get comfortable with that before moving onto anything bigger.

If you are going for a subtle look, consider trying some of the women's flannel, "boyfriend", or Polo style shirts.  There are differences between men's shirts but they usually do not stand out very much. They are not that feminine looking but they can be in feminine colors. 

Of course if the Polo style shirts have feminine colors or if they have lots of big flowers on them, well, that is another story.  But men's golf shirts may also have flowers, usually very small, so it all depends on how it looks. . . 

I suppose some men's golf or polo style shirts in feminine pastel colors may also be something you could try.

Enjoy your journey of transitioning, however where it may take you.