Hello my darlings.
I feel a huge mix of emotions. I spent last week reflecting on everything.
I was thinking whether this was an obsession, a kink, a fetish, wondered if it was real, if I was making it up.
I used AI to go through my thoughts and feelings.
It kind of highlighted to me that if it was an obsession, I would soon get bored of it. If it was a a fetish or a kink, there's no way I would be thinking the way I do.
I never had much indication as a kid. But I was always closer to my female friends and relatives, was never a typical boy, though I played with male action figures.
I used to pray that could be a girl. I wanted to know what it was like so that it would make me a better lover.
But there are other things, things I cannot go into in the forum that served as other indicators. I put on a mask of masculinity to battle the underlying dysphoria. I had to be the alpha male. And it worked. Sort of. But it was never me.
I was kind, gentle, soft, loving, caring.
I hated what males do. I wanted to do what women do, feel what women do.
If I had a red button, I would press it now. Old thoughts of wishing I had a womb, a vagina. The ache of knowing how much time has past and I'm only catching up to it now. The old male has got me this far, but that's been a mask. She wants to come out, she needs to be seen, rocking a cute skirt, tights and a lovely long woolen jumper. Lumps and bumps on the right place.
I stopped hormones last year under pressure from my partner. But the dysphoria is crippling. I yearn to be her.
I decided I had to be her. So I finally admitted it to myself. Told myself no going back. This is me. Sensual, passionate, a smouldering fire lurking underneath.
I came out properly to my friends. And I've been buzzing ever since.
The doubt I have is just fear. Male is a comfortable escape. But being a woman is living.
