My Story and Why I'm proud of myself

[AlexG]

Tw: mention of abuse and homophobia/transphobia

Hello everyone, I just wanted to tell my story. I'm very proud of how far I've come to my true self, but I know I still have a long way to go. However I am so proud to metaphorically stand before you as Alex the transmasc enby.

My dad was abusive and hated that I was always a tomboy. When he saw me playing in the mud, he would punish me because "that's not how girls are supposed to behave." I was the youngest child and the only girl and my dad wanted a super girly pageant girl. Instead he got a girl who loved "boyish" things like mudpies and climbing trees. My dad hated that and pushed me into pageants because "no girl of mine is going to be boyish and into girls" (I was 6 years old at this point. I did not know I was into girls yet).

After about 12 years of trying to be the girl he wanted me to be, my dad disowned me "because I was gay." Which even at this point I still didn't know I was into other women. I grew up and was in an abusive relationship where the man forced me to be his version of a woman that I attempted to be for nearly 11 years. I never got a single haircut because he wanted it long, I wasnt allowed to wear certain types of clothes because they weren't his idea of feminine. After nearly 11 years, I finally left him and I was 27 at this point.

This is where I start realizing that I might be into women. I was 27 before I had any chance to look inwards as to why my dad thought I was gay. And I realized that I was very openly into women I just never realized it. I went out (mostly out of spite) to get my hair cut and dyed because my ex never allowed me to. I realized that my hair is the best way to show my true self so I have dyed my hair crazy colours and cut it all different ways. I always wanted to try a really short cut with the sides shaved but everyone said "that wouldn't look good on your bone structure" or "you would look like a boy then." And I always wondered what was wrong with wanting to look boyish?

When I was 29 I met a man on Tumblr (lol yes I know that's a strange place to meet someone) who connected with me instantly. He accepted me the way I was and told me he would give me space and help me explore the side of me that liked women and I realized that I like women and men very differently. If I had to give a pie chart out of 100%, I would say I like women 95% and men 5%. We continued to explore myself and my partner has been behind me the whole way telling me that he will be behind me no matter what I choose to be or do.

When I turned 33, I decided to just ->-bleeped-<-ing go for it and cut my hair short in a masculine but still subtly feminine way. Something felt so... Right, when I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt like the person I wanted to be but I still wanted to look more... guyish. So I asked my partner to shave the sides of my head a bit (yes that was probably a bad idea because it did not look professionally done at all lol). This all happened on January 29th of this year. Since that day I have felt like butch is what I was meant to be. So I went and started wearing my partners clothes more. I finally found a term that I think fits me right now as Alex and that is transmasc enby. After figuring that out in February I kept realizing more and more that I love being called a he/him and love dressing manly, but as a 5'2 I'm kind of dainty so I'm not sure how masc I can or even want to go yet. So I decided that I no longer want the name Melissa (always hated that name) and changed my name on certain online spots that won't affect me in person to Alex. I now have mens clothes of my own and love wearing men's jeans but I think i need to get a belt lol. They just fall off your hips haha. And now that I have this much known about myself, I'm getting anxious about coming out, but... I am Alex. A transmasc pansexual enby. Lol

Ps sorry this is so long lol

[Sarah B]

Hi Alex

I really appreciate you sharing your story with us.  It was not too long at all and I'm grateful that you took the time to open up about yourself.  It's definitely not easy to talk about your experiences and I truly admire the courage you have shown in embracing who you are.  In a similar fashion, I never talk about myself family excepted, they accept me unconditionally and I only talk about me, on Susan's.

You have gone through a lot, from feeling the pressure to fit in during your childhood to breaking free from a tough relationship and finally getting the chance to explore your identity on your own terms.  It's so inspiring to see how you have reclaimed your sense of self, whether it's by cutting your hair, I'm the opposite I never cut my hair, or finding a name and expression that resonate with you.

I'm also glad to hear how supportive your partner has been throughout this journey.  Having someone who truly accepts you makes such a huge difference.  You are clearly on a path of self discovery and no matter where it leads you, remember that you deserve to feel happy and comfortable in your own body.

Thanks again for sharing your story.  You are not alone in this and our community is here to support you where it can.  I'm looking forward to hearing more from you as you continue to discover what makes you feel most like yourself.

Again all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@AlexG

[AlexG]

Hi Alex

I really appreciate you sharing your story with us.  It was not too long at all and I'm grateful that you took the time to open up about yourself.  It's definitely not easy to talk about your experiences and I truly admire the courage you have shown in embracing who you are.  In a similar fashion, I never talk about myself family excepted, they accept me unconditionally and I only talk about me, on Susan's.

You have gone through a lot, from feeling the pressure to fit in during your childhood to breaking free from a tough relationship and finally getting the chance to explore your identity on your own terms.  It's so inspiring to see how you have reclaimed your sense of self, whether it's by cutting your hair, I'm the opposite I never cut my hair, or finding a name and expression that resonate with you.

I'm also glad to hear how supportive your partner has been throughout this journey.  Having someone who truly accepts you makes such a huge difference.  You are clearly on a path of self discovery and no matter where it leads you, remember that you deserve to feel happy and comfortable in your own body.

Thanks again for sharing your story.  You are not alone in this and our community is here to support you where it can.  I'm looking forward to hearing more from you as you continue to discover what makes you feel most like yourself.

Again all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@AlexG

I'm not sure if I did this right to respond to you haha but if I did woo! Thank you! It has honestly been quite a journey and the farther into it I get, the more I want to be called he/him (or they/them) and I'm even hoping to one day get a chest reduction. I have never liked them because they have been DDD since I was 17 and I think they are too big. They also probably will not be able to bind them very well... So I'm thinking about talking to someone about going down to maybe a C cup. I feel like the one thing that makes me "dysphoric" (and I use quotations because I'm not sure what I'm feeling counts as dysphoria) is how big my chest is. That's not going to be something I do anytime soon, but I'm planning on talking to other transmascs about their experiences with their chest sizes. I do also plan on going to the trans day of visibility on March 31st to the march we're having for trans rights... And I'm going as Alex. It's in the next town over so hopefully I don't see anyone I know 😅

[Sarah B]

Hi Alex

I fixed the double quote of my post and left your post not in bold.

There are many women out there in the world who think their breasts are too large and of course they have surgery to address that issue and of course it is not a gender issue with them.

Only you can say whether you are 'dysphoric' about your chest.  Something that might interest you is that I never had Gender Identity Disorder, Gender Dysphoria or even Body Dysphoria.  Yet I had surgery so that I could function as any other female in society.  There are others out there who also did not feel dysphoria in their own situations and I am not the only one. One of my doctors told me that there were others like me.

What I am trying to say is, you do not have to feel 'dysphoria or dysphoric' about anything you do that will make you happy.

I hope that makes sense if not just ask me and I will try to resolve it.

When you go to the trans day of visibility on March 31st, ensure you go with friends for safety and have fun.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@AlexG

[AlexG]

Thank you haha I haven't used a forum like this since I used Tagged as a teenager lol I'm a bit rusty.

I feel like what I feel is dysphoria and I feel like it would be fixed if I got a reduction. But before I do something permanent, I'm going to talk to others who got the surgery to see how they feel after getting it done.

And yes thank you I'm planning on going with my fiance and a friend of ours. My fiance is going to walk in the march with us.

[Lori Dee]

Thank you for sharing, Alex!

I am so proud of you for taking a good look at yourself and figuring out who you really are. I had similar experiences to what you had growing up, but I never could figure out what was going on with me until I spent a couple of years in therapy.

I think that my problem was my training. I am a retired hypnotherapist, so I focused on helping others with their issues. I was blind to my own issues, and when my psychologist suggested that I was transgender, I rejected it. Not me! Those are issues that other people have. But once I learned what it all meant, I embraced it.

I do believe you experience gender dysphoria from what you have told us. We all experience it in different ways and in varying degrees. Some are not bothered by it at all, while others need surgery to save their lives.

I think that you should consider finding a therapist who has experience in gender identities. I don't know if breast reduction or removal requires it, but if so, they can give you a letter of recommendation to give to the surgeon if and when the time comes. I agree that you might have difficulty with binding, and you don't want to do unnecessary damage that can cause problems later in life.

I am so happy that you have a partner who is accepting and supportive. That is special. Find a style that you enjoy, and don't worry too much about what other people think.

As my psychologist told me:

"It should never be difficult to just be yourself."

[AlexG]

Thank you Lori Dee. I have decided that I am going to ask the LGBT contact from my area if she knows of any services that have mental health help for LGBT people. I feel like that might be the best way to find a doctor and therapist that understands what I'm going through mentally. I feel like it is going to be a very long road to getting to the person I want to be, but I've taken the first few steps.

[MaryXYX]

Thank you for sharing your story Alex.  Our stories are all different, but finding out who we really are and being true to it is common.