Finally starting to be me

[Ksjones]

Becoming Kaylee

Ever since I was around 5 years old I felt like I was different. I hated my body my thoughts and how I felt yet never knew exactly why I just felt off. I just assumed it was because of my disability. My foster mom had me go to therapy because of my short history of abandonment issues due to my birth giver putting me up for adoption and my disability. I never felt comfortable talking about my issues because to be honest I was so young I didn't even really know what my issues were. 

One day my friend and I tried on his sisters clothes and I felt an inner peace that I couldn't explain at this point I was about 7 or so. From that point on my mind changed and I felt like I was meant to be female but was ashamed and never told anyone about it. I started to steal girl clothes from my downstairs neighbor and built up quite a collection of underwear and various items of clothing when I would wear those I felt complete. It was refreshing but I was still at an age where I didn't quite understand why I felt that way. 

I felt embarrassed so I started to act out because I didn't know how else to process what was going on with me. I was becoming obsessed with female actions and behaviors it was my deep dark secret that I couldn't share with anyone mainly because due to my disability I was already made fun of ruthlessly and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire so to speak so I bottled it up. I used to pray every night that God would change me into a girl overnight it obviously never happened. 

Then I learned about what a cross dresser was and thought that could be what I was so I started dressing up as a girl on Halloween and got ridiculed by the neighborhood kids so I bottled it up but my thoughts were consumed with the desire to be a girl. When I was about 10 years old I got ahold of a girls swimsuit and I tucked my penis between my legs and stared at myself in the mirror and things felt right and I started to wonder if it was possible to become a girl. 

Around that time I saw an episode of night court where Dan's childhood friend had become a woman and it clicked that it could be possible but at such a young age I didn't know how such a thing was possible but it triggered me into wanting that. I still was ashamed about it and kept it to myself not knowing how to deal with it. I thought that when I got older I could possibly do something about it but I was just to young and we didn't have internet at that time it was the 80s so I just continued to bottle up that's when the acting out really started in school and the neighborhood etc. 

So again I continued to bottle it up with no real way to express myself except because I couldn't tell anyone my true inner feelings. When the girls in the neighborhood started puberty I was so jealous of how they were beginning to become women and that's all I wanted to be it was very frustrating. 

I was diagnosed with adhd and bipolar however looking back at that time in my life I realize it wasn't those things it was the fact that I was not in the correct body. I became so defiant and truly hated myself because I just wasn't right. I turned to playing with fire because it was a release of sorts and I felt better about things which was not a good thing. 

It was also about this time that I reconnected with my biological family a little bit and always felt OK because my older sister was also away from the family until one day when I was 13 I heard my sister was back and now I felt like I was truly alone being away from the family. So I ran away from the people that were raising me and went to my bio family big mistake. I felt so out of place there at first and just acted out and kept my feelings bottled up in March 1994 I had set a fire at my school which started a huge downward spiral in my life I was put into placement away from everyone I knew and loved until I was 18. 

One place I was in I talked to a therapist and I told him about my inner struggles and he didn't judge me and told me it was perfectly normal to have feelings like that and not to be ashamed but I still was and continued to keep my thoughts and feeling hidden. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I couldn't truly love anyone because I didn't love myself so my relationships were junk. I turned to abusing drugs to numb my inner voice and tried to ignore it and was usually successful for a couple years at a time. 

I still continued to act out doing stupid illegal things because I honestly didn't care about myself. I hated having pictures of me because I hated my body and how I looked so I just didn't care about hygiene or anything because no matter what I did I wasn't me. It was and is such a struggle to this day. 

All I wanted was to be the woman I was internally but was scared and there was no way I could afford to do what I needed to do for myself. So I just bottled it up like I always had. When I became an adult I still had the internal struggle but just stuffed those feelings down. I had started to hear about transition with hormones and thought about doing it but felt it was too late in life to try to do it plus insurance wouldn't cover such things so I gave up on it yet again and stuffed the feelings down as I was so accustomed to doing my whole life. 

I spent years doing research about transition and always wanted to go through with but again was scared and ashamed about it always worried about what others would think about it and didn't want to lose what few connections I had in my life but my dysphoria just grew more powerful as time went on. 

Gender dysphoria is a real thing and not a choice I don't care what people say. With me its not a sexual fetish like people like to say it is with people that suffer from it. It just takes time to come to terms with it. 

I finally have reached a point in my life where im done trying to be someone im not and I don't care anymore what people think. Im tired of living a lie to myself. I started taking hrt about 3 weeks ago and emotionally I feel amazing and can't wait for the physical changes to start to take effect. 

I know I will lose some friends and family over this but to be honest I don't care its time for me to be who I have always been ever since I was a little girl with the wrong equipment. Some family knows I have dysphoria but only one knows I actually started to change into the woman I should have always been. 

My aunt is the only one I told so far and and has been supportive and for that I am truly grateful more that I could ever express to her. There are 2 more family members I want to tell and hopefully they are as supportive as my aunt is. The rest I really don't care how they respond but still am nervous about it. 

[Sarah B]

Hi Kaylee

My name is Sarah B and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I want to start by acknowledging the courage it takes to share your feelings and experiences.  Many of us have been where you are now, and you're in a community that understands the complexities of questioning identity.

I used to have feelings of wanting to be a girl when I was five years old, so I can relate to what you are going through.

To help you move forward, I'd recommend connecting with a gender therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor who practices informed consent.  They can help you work through your thoughts and untangle all those "what ifs." These professionals can provide valuable insights into your feelings, assist you in understanding your identity, and guide you in figuring out the next steps, if any, that feel right for you.

Susan's community is filled with individuals who have questioned their gender in various ways.  You're definitely not alone in this journey.  Many here have walked similar paths, and you'll find plenty of support, understanding, and guidance as you continue to explore your identity.

It is good to hear that you have the support of one aunt, and hopefully, you will have others on your side.  However, take your time in revealing yourself to others.  Ask your aunt who in the family would support you.  Me and my uncle at one stage did this, and it was surprising what we came up with.  I never told them in the end.  My uncle let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.  However, my family accepts me for who I am.

There is no problem in keeping your problem secret if you want to.  I have done this my whole life, even to this day.  The important thing is to move forward in a way that makes you feel safe and comfortable.

I also understand how difficult it can be to see yourself in pictures when you don't feel like they reflect who you truly are.  I never liked my photograph being taken before I changed my life around.  It is something many of us have struggled with.

Please take your time, explore what feels right for you, and know that you are supported here.  You're not alone in this, and I hope you find the comfort and clarity you are looking for.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the Introductions Forum, of course.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these as well.

Please review the links at the end of this message, especially the red links, they include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features.  When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact, the Forum Admin Danielle Northern Star Girl alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee
@Northern Star Girl
@ New Member as Well

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[Lori Dee]

Hello Kaylee,

Welcome to Susan's Place and thank you for that wonderful introduction.

Just a word of caution here, keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

My journey is similar to yours too. Getting into therapy was extremely helpful to me. First to understand what I was going through, but also later as I encountered obstacles like coming out to family and friends. Most of them abandoned me, but like you, I don't live my life according to their whims. It is MY life and if they have a problem with it, it is THEIR problem.

We are happy to have you here. Welcome aboard.

[Lilis]

Hi Kaylee,

Welcome to Susan's! 🫂

I finally have reached a point in my life where im done trying to be someone im not and I don't care anymore what people think. Im tired of living a lie to myself.

This was it for me too. If you read through the stories in these forums, you'll see that many describe this epiphany as a turning point in their journey. But more than how we describe it, what truly matters is being honest with ourselves.

I started taking hrt about 3 weeks ago and emotionally I feel amazing and can't wait for the physical changes to start to take effect.

Congratulations! This is a huge first step, seems you're on the right track, wishing you all the best on your journey. 👏 🎉



~ Lilis

[ChrissyRyan]

Hi!


Welcome Kaylee!


Chrissy

[TanyaG]

I was diagnosed with adhd and bipolar however looking back at that time in my life I realize it wasn't those things it was the fact that I was not in the correct body. I became so defiant and truly hated myself because I just wasn't right.

Ending up with a mental health diagnosis is an occupational hazard for trans people and hardly surprising given the battles we face learning to accept ourselves, let alone gaining the acceptance of others. But quite a lot of the time such diagnoses are labels professionals apply to us because they have more experience of treating those things than they have of transgender issues.

The Cass Report on trans treatment in the UK bogged down over mental health without any serious consideration of why trans people so often end up feeling the way we often do, before making the egregious error of portraying being trans as a consequence of mental health issues instead of the other way around. Given that the whole concept of transgender was founded around the concept that discrimination by society is the problem, not the individual, I'm amazed Cass even considered that conclusion. It's like saying people become gay because they are depressed... I don't think so!

So the really good news is you have reached a state of peace with yourself where your compass needle isn't spinning around and you've decided to set your own agenda, rather than allow others to set it. That's such a hardcore moment for most of us, you can congratulate yourself on having passed a major milestone.

Lots of people here have similar experiences to share. We don't all end up at the same destination, but now you are on the journey, take some time to enjoy it. Getting comfortable with who you are is a massive step, so lots of hugs.

[Maid Marion]

My partner was sure I was autistic and wanted me to get an official diagnosis, which would have cost $1500 out of pocket.
Turns out that I socialize just fine if I present female!
Socialization is gendered.  If I try to look like a male it isn't authentic enough and I give off the wrong non-verbal social clues.

[TanyaG]

My partner was sure I was autistic and wanted me to get an official diagnosis, which would have cost $1500 out of pocket.

That's a perfect example, Marion. The way the system works these days, chances are had you gone down that route, you might have been diagnosed autistic even if you were not because there's zero downside for providers making adventurous mental health diagnoses. It's sometimes called 'fee and forget' because of that.

Your partner would have been happier (for a while) because they'd be able to avoid what they saw as the difficult consequences of accepting you as trans. You'd have been much more unhappy, because you'd still have all the trans issues, only now they'd all be interpreted through the autism lens. A decade could have gotten lost sorting the mess out.

This charade is one of the reasons why people keep presenting having taken until mid-life or beyond to accept they are trans. We're not seeing people making intros who took a week to reach their decision, instead it's years to decades, during which time they're under crushing pressure because who do they go to for advice and support?

I don't think you're likely to be unusual, Marion, I'd be interested to hear how many others here have had similar experiences?

[ChrissyRyan]

I have grown much more at ease presenting as female.
For a long while I was concerned that I would just not be natural.
But not so over time.  I just wish my voice was male fail female.
This is the one major discomfort I have. 

It is uncomfortable to present as male when I think that is needed, so these times are limited.
But as I was socialized as male, I can get by.

Chrissy

[TanyaG]

But as I was socialized as male, I can get by.

I personally find the most annoying thing about being trans is others making out they are victims because they feel awkward dealing with us.

At one extreme of that you have the political wing of the lesbian party claiming their rights are threatened because they might find themselves having sex with trans folk (I can't believe they can maintain this with straight faces, because I do believe consent would be the deciding issue?)

At the other extreme, you've got DSM, which has long listed some trans behaviours as paraphiliac. With DSM's attitude comes the need in many countries to apply a psychiatric diagnosis before trans treatment pathways can be accessed.

This is what's called moral ordering, a process where some behaviours are classed as non-normative and therefore less 'healthy' than others, with some branded as illness. The fallout of moral ordering is stigmatisation of anything which isn't non-normative, and the gain for those who stigmatise is they can claim to have been hurt if they come in contact with those they've marked with the stigma.

It's no coincidence trans people who've experienced stigma share the same degree and variety of mental health symptoms as cis people who have been abused, because it's the same mechanism at work. Everyone brave enough to tell their story here has told their own variation on this tale and most of the people who introduce themselves do so at the moment the understanding dawns they aren't the problem.

Where our journey takes us after that depends on how much support we have from confidants, with our destination varying depending on the strength of our self belief. On the whole I find it easier focussing on being a class act as a human being than on splitting that act out into two strands, but perhaps that's just me.

I can't stop the strands converging and having learned to be comfortable with allowing it to happen, I find it eases the way, because once the two have done their usual thing of wrapping themselves around each other, all that's left is me with no gaps to bridge.