Nonbinary Reflections – Let's Share Our Stories

[D'Amalie]

Synopsis, accepted

[Lilis]

I'm non-binary; gender fluid.

Same here, thank you so much for sharing this, Devlyn. I'll be following you like white on rice! 

I present female full-time, so it's a bad day for Mike when he shows up.

Haha, it's been bad days for him (my_male_name) for quite a few months now too!

I started crossdressing part-time in my 30s. In my 40s, I began a social transition, and medically transitioned in my 50s.

I'm 63 now—a bit overweight, but the happiest I've ever been. Oh, and add a marriage to my 50s timeline.

Thanks for starting this topic.

Hugs,
Devlyn

So many similarities, Devlyn. Thank you again for opening up and for joining us in this thread.

Sending virtual hugs and gratitude! 💗

And thank you everyone that is reading and participating sharing your story in this conversation! 🫂


~Lilis 🫶💞

[D'Amalie]

R Richard and Richelle are quite the pair.  As long as he remembers his place.

[Lilis]

Synopsis, accepted

Thank You! !

R Richard and Richelle are quite the pair.  As long as he remembers his place.

Yes, women run this world! 💗

Oh wait.... sorry guys... 


~Lilis 🫂

[Asche]

What does being nonbinary mean to you right now... in this season of your life?

The short answer: being non-binary means that I don't hold with the fantasy that humanity consists of two groups, male and female, discernable at birth, that are fundamentally and immutably separate and different.  That's why I don't insist that "I am a woman," but only that "I live as a woman."

I think just about everything said about gender, and even most of the research, is pure BS, but it's part of the world I have to live in, sort of like the current US administration, so I can't just ignore it.

I live as a woman, and mainly use she/her pronouns and a traditionally feminine name, mostly because I find the male role so constricting and painful and contrary to my nature, and because, thanks to the work (and sacrifices) of feminists, the female role is now broad enough that living that way is more or less comfortable.  If there were an established "non-binary" way to live, I might have chosen that instead, but at 71 years of age, I don't have the energy to bushwhack my way through the wilderness of society's gender rules to get to a more compatible non-binary life.

The history:

I grew up in the South (USA), in a culture that I now refer to as "the Ante-Bellum South."  The spheres of men and women (and thus boys and girls) were kept separate, and gender roles were strict and enforced.  As a child, I knew boys were supposed to hate girls and anything that was labeled as "girlish," which included cooking and playing piano.  I remember in first grade (age=6) feeling that the way boys were (or were supposed to be) was kind of stupid and I ended up not having a lot to do with other boys, but I also tried to avoid being seen as "girlish," too, for obvious reasons.  As I got older, the male socialization got worse and more alienating, and I got called "queer" and "weirdo" a lot.  I think that's about when I first encountered feminism.  It fit in well with my distaste for what passed for "masculinity" and for the sexism my mother encountered on a regular basis.  It has formed the basis for a lot of how I see the world.

Over time, my feminism has gotten more and more radical, to the point that I question anything that is claimed about gender.  While I'm not ready to insist that the only differences between men and women are due to socialization, I don't think anyone has convincingly proven otherwise; our gender-essentialist culture biases all attempts to study gender differences.

That's why I don't fit in in the binary-trans femme community -- so much of what they talk about seems based in a gender-essentialist worldview, which comes across to me as like discussing geography from a flat-earth viewpoint.  I can't condemn them for that, since we are practically drowning in gender-essentialist propaganda.  Also, I'm kind of addicted to transgender stories, but so many of them are based on a "you're either a girl or you're a boy" dichotomy; a boy gets magically turned into a girl, and suddenly she is sexually attracted to boys, make-up, etc., and suddenly starts showing "girlish" mannerisms.  I remember being at the Phila. Trans-Health conference, back before COVID, and found I felt much more at-home with the non-binary folks.

[Asche]

Oh, and every  now and then I think, I'm thinking of myself as a man, and other times I'm thinking of myself as a woman.  But most of the time I don't even ask.

And I think when I do ask, it's because I'm looking at myself from the outside and asking, which am I?  Inside myself, I don't care, it's just this gender-essentialist world that makes me ask which I am, by that world's standards.

[Lori Dee]

And I think when I do ask, it's because I'm looking at myself from the outside and asking, which am I?  Inside myself, I don't care, it's just this gender-essentialist world that makes me ask which I am, by that world's standards.

THIS. Thanks, Asche. I always enjoy your perspective, and I can relate in many ways.

[Hinoiri]

What non-binary means to me? Well as an adult I could see that I can express being strong and sensitive can be part of your personality. For me being sensitive is part of my feminine aspect. I did not use non-binary until last year. After keeping a diary and going to weekly sessions I settled on non-binary as my best label. I just see myself as masculine and feminine regardless of body. I do plan to take hormones when I can. In the meantime I practice makeup and try to find nice clothes. My goal is not to cross dress as such but just to have feminine clothes as everyday wear when I choose. I mean when you look back in time women had to wear those corsets and not show any skin. If they wore trousers they were not regarded as being feminine. So times changes. Not quite sure if I'm explaining myself well. Oh yes I want to be both masculine and feminine. I'm not planning surgery. Not sure when I end up in future but I figure tomboyish could be a good start.

[Amanda500]

We have waited to let others go first. For us, being plural, our experience is both very different yet has a lot of similarities to singular non-binary people. We have a lot of the same thoughts and emotions; they are just held by our different parts.

Our sense of gender shifts depending on which of us is onstage and who is downstage in the spotlight. To the outside world this looks something like genderfluidity or some complex multi-gender identify.

Each of us has our turn being affirmed, but we have had to compromise a lot like keeping our ugly (to me and our little) beard. A good day is when we get to work from home, coding, and able to be in a dress or skirt and blouse. We have even been able to have one-on-one check-in video chats with our boss while dressed a few times. Being seen and accepted by others for who we are is very affirming like in our telehealth therapy sessions where us female parts can have the spotlight and be in control while dressed as ourself. We just wish our wife were able to be more accepting.

Being able to do some things that society considers feminine like knitting or sewing also help. But, we may be showing our age here.

[Lilis]

We have waited to let others go first. For us, being plural, our experience is both very different yet has a lot of similarities to singular non-binary people.

Thank you, Amanda, for joining the conversation and sharing your experience. It's refreshing to hear a perspective that honors both the differences and the overlaps.

We have a lot of the same thoughts and emotions; they are just held by our different parts.

Our sense of gender shifts depending on which of us is onstage and who is downstage in the spotlight. To the outside world this looks something like genderfluidity or some complex multi-gender identify.

Each of us has our turn being affirmed, but we have had to compromise a lot like keeping our ugly (to me and our little) beard.

My experience is also a plural system that is genderfluid, but my experience of gender is rooted in identity and expression, rather than dissociation.

We're both valid.... We're both deeply beautiful.

And in many ways, we both can look similar to the outside world.

But the inner architecture is different.

Thank you so much for sharing this, I think both of our illustration here helps the reader understand our experiences better.


~ Lilis 💞

[Lori Dee]

we have had to compromise a lot like keeping our ugly (to me and our little) beard.

I have been told that a beard is the most common trigger for those of us with dysphoria. That is because it is the most prominent thing; it is on our face! For me, the beard was a defense mechanism that allowed me to camouflage my true self. After two years in therapy, I finally accepted who I am and decided the beard must go!

Clean-shaven men are not unusual. It is not in any way feminine, but it could help the two of you feel less dysphoric by not needing to see or feel it. Is this something she might accept? A small compromise perhaps?

[Amanda500]

but it could help the two of you feel less dysphoric by not needing to see or feel it. Is this something she might accept?

Thank you for your thoughts, but it is a bit more complicated than that for us. This is a key way our experience is different from most non-binary people and so alien to binary trans people.

It would help with our wife, but our little, me-Amanda, Maleme, and some other dormant parts have to maintain our relationships as well. In addition to still being a disguise to help hide our pluralness from the everyone but the few how know, the beard is also a symbol of our commitment that we will not abandon the male parts and that they are equal partners in the system.

I can tolerate the facial hair, but our little hates it, so we have to avoid mirrors when she is downstage. Of course, if things were up to her, we would be shaving off all of the body hair right now instead of typing this, working on getting HRT ASAP, and starting to research surgery options. Being in the middle of a girl who wants the right body and males who want to keep their junk would be exhausting without the cooperation of the others. Negotiated compromises like this help everyone trust each other.

[Lori Dee]

It would help with our wife, but our little, me-Amanda, Maleme, and some other dormant parts have to maintain our relationships as well. In addition to still being a disguise to help hide our pluralness from the everyone but the few how know, the beard is also a symbol of our commitment that we will not abandon the male parts and that they are equal partners in the system.

That makes sense. Thank you for the explanation. I am still learning how systems like yours work, so your experiences help me with that.